I wish for world peace. Please let it start with homework.

[MushyMushy]

I agree with a couple of the other posters. Stop fighting and just let them deal with the natural consequences. Let them face the disappointment of the teacher and take a zero, or even a few zeros.

I used to have some miserable fights with my son over homework. It felt like an enormous power struggle from 3:15 until bedtime every night. He was in counseling for ADHD and one day the counselor said, "Just quit. Let him face his own consequences" and I sputtered, "but, but what about his GRADES???" to which he replied, "Exactly, they're HIS grades."

Well, it worked. It took me a while to want to try it, but one night I threw up my hands and told DS forget it, just leave it, but then he'd have to explain to his teacher why it wasn't done. Lo and behold, the homework started getting done! I did give a heads up to the teacher and she was NOT happy about the method, but you know what, she didn't have to live with us and listen to the crying, whining and shouting.

That won't work for every kid, but it sure made our home a much more peaceful place.

 

[palavra]

I know! I wish they could go outside and play. Have some fun. They aren't getting much of a break after school.

Granted, I think it's the process of getting them to attend. But it is still a lot, and I think when they see the "mountain" they buck the whole thing. I can't say that I blame them. But the work still has to be done.

I wish there were a way to get it done quicker and they have time to be kids!

I think the kids may be feeding off your attitude. it's pretty clear that you see the homework as a chore, and that you actually sort of expect them to buck the system when it comes to homework. Believe me, they will! Help them break their assignments down into manageable parts. Off small incentives for each part done. And, most of all, stress that doing homework usually helps you stay caught up in class and can show the teacher where your kids need the most help.

 

[MUFFYCAT]

They are in second and third grade.

We have had family meetings. Of course I've talked with them quite a bit about it! We have had many talks. They have had suggestions. Waiting is the primary theme, which doesn't work.

I'm sorry I have no tips but you have my sympathy. Home work with my DD at that age was horrible. It did get better by 4th grade when she did most of it herself.

 

[ols386]

I agree with a couple of the other posters. Stop fighting and just let them deal with the natural consequences. Let them face the disappointment of the teacher and take a zero, or even a few zeros.

I used to have some miserable fights with my son over homework. It felt like an enormous power struggle from 3:15 until bedtime every night. He was in counseling for ADHD and one day the counselor said, "Just quit. Let him face his own consequences" and I sputtered, "but, but what about his GRADES???" to which he replied, "Exactly, they're HIS grades."

Well, it worked. It took me a while to want to try it, but one night I threw up my hands and told DS forget it, just leave it, but then he'd have to explain to his teacher why it wasn't done. Lo and behold, the homework started getting done! I did give a heads up to the teacher and she was NOT happy about the method, but you know what, she didn't have to live with us and listen to the crying, whining and shouting.

That won't work for every kid, but it sure made our home a much more peaceful place.

I agree. It is their homework, they should be responsible for getting it done and turned in. If they have questions or ask for your help on something that they are having a problem with, then by all means, take time to help them in the understanding part of it, and then let them do it.

And as you said, let them face the consequences if they do not get the homework finished and turned in.

And I also agree, this may not for all kids, but as with you, it worked with my kids.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I'm hoping to get to that point eventually. The oldest is in 3rd grade.

It's hard. Sometimes I really think they look at homework as punishment. I tell them it isn't. But I'm sure it feels like it. I do explain why they have it and all of that. I'm sure they just look at it as this massive unwanted chore. I know that's how I felt as a kid and I didn't have nearly as much as they do!

Quite often the homework seems excessive to me. But I really have to step back and look at how long it should take vs how long the whole process is taking due to digging in their heels in protest. I think if I could show them a visual of some sort maybe it would click.

Go out and buy a portable timer for each of them. They are cheap at Target/WalMart.

For whatever reason it seems to make things more efficient.

 

[diznygirl]

I've always doubted the effectiveness of hours of homework. As others have said, after being in school all day, a kid needs a break. Sure, do a few math problems and read a chapter for tomorrow's science lesson in the evening, but hours of further work?

It's idiotic.

It might seem like just busy work, but it was while tackling homework that my kid found out whether or not he actually understood the concept taught in class. There were times he had something completely backwards, and would have certainly flunked a test. But he did the homework, I checked it - told him it was wrong and we figured out the problem.

The lower grades were hard - they were just learning how to do homework - the teachers would give them a packet and they had all week. They would do it the night before. But they've since learned that if they get it done early, they can do what they want with the rest of their time. Now they are these alien children who do their homework without being asked!

 

[Pigeon]

I think the kids may be feeding off your attitude. it's pretty clear that you see the homework as a chore, and that you actually sort of expect them to buck the system when it comes to homework. Believe me, they will! Help them break their assignments down into manageable parts. Off small incentives for each part done. And, most of all, stress that doing homework usually helps you stay caught up in class and can show the teacher where your kids need the most help.

It is a chore. No two ways about it. If I had to bring home reams of work to do every night after I got off working a full day, I'd think it was a chore, too.

I don't badmouth it to my kids, but I'm not going to lie to them and pretend that I think it's a good thing, either. As for showing the teacher where kids need help, kids are "assessed" to death. They don't need homework for that.

 

[Halloweenqueen]

It's a battle in our house as well. I want to have homework time right after school. This doesn't work because neighborhood kids were constantly ringing the doorbell to play. Plus the days are getting shorter and I like for my kids to get outside, so I've scheduled homework for after dinner.

My kids would get an average of 2+ hours of homework when we lived in NC, but now they average about a hour here in WA. I also schedule one hour of quiet time, which means no electronics or friends. They can read, listen to music, or draw/color. Then an evening show and bedtime routine.

 

[OceanAnnie]

3rd grade boy here.
FOr now I have quit talking : ) . I set up a schedule on a white board and hung on wall. He has his own alarm clock, he gets up and starts his day, gets dressed , makes bed , bathroom , pick up dirty clothes and meets me in kitchen at 7 am .

When he looks like he is getting off schedule , I just remind him to look at board.

I am amazed, but it is working great!!!!!! He likes the schedule and not having to hear me remind him what he needs to be doing etc all day long.

He started homework 30 mins after he got home, but we have figured out works out best when he starts the minute he gets home, so we have adjusted schedule .

Beginning of year was rocky, you might have read my post on it lol. But this new schedule is working out AWESOME. Can't believe I didn't do this sooner , once I put my serious Momma face on and quit talking all the time and prodding and poking him into doing stuff, he got with the program. Go figure, of course it isn't 100% perfect, but the consequences are also all clearly spelled out on board , if you don't stay on schedule and get homework done. He seems like to being more responsible for himself.

Thank you so much for the tip! I didn't see your thread. I think you are right about quitting the talk and have something concrete to view and help them keep on task. I'm glad it is working for you and I will give it a try!

OceanAnnie, I have also found that once different concepts are mastered they are much more open to doing the work because it becomes "easy" for them. Math in particular can be such a struggle, even for my homework loving DD, when the concepts are new. Can you ask for extra review in class to make sure your kids are on top of the concepts? Or for math review try some of the online stuff?

softschools.com has a great mad minute game that DS loves. He goes on and "plays" lots of rounds to try and beat his score.

Thank you for the website. We aren't having too many problems with math per se (I was responding to another poster). It's just the drill work for the different subjects. Putting in the time and focusing on what is at hand.

I think the kids may be feeding off your attitude. it's pretty clear that you see the homework as a chore, and that you actually sort of expect them to buck the system when it comes to homework. Believe me, they will! Help them break their assignments down into manageable parts. Off small incentives for each part done. And, most of all, stress that doing homework usually helps you stay caught up in class and can show the teacher where your kids need the most help.

No. I was venting here. I see the importance. I did mention I think it seems excessive but I added it might be the process that makes it so.

I don't have an "attitude" about homework. I have acquired an attitude about slacking. It can be very stressful. I do tell them the homework reinforces their classroom studies. And I reiterate how important it is. I'm not feeding into anything. I'm trying to get the job done to make life easier for them and me. The "chore" part comes with helping them get it done! How do you get I expect them to "buck" the system? That is so far off base.

If I didn't think it was important, I certainly wouldn't be struggling to help them get it done!

We do break it into manageable chunks. Rewards.

Go out and buy a portable timer for each of them. They are cheap at Target/WalMart.

For whatever reason it seems to make things more efficient.

I have used a cheap kitchen timer. The ticking drives them nuts. Maybe if I keep it in another room it wouldn't be distracting. That way they can just hear it when time is up.

 

[It'sWDW4me]

I agree with a couple of the other posters. Stop fighting and just let them deal with the natural consequences. Let them face the disappointment of the teacher and take a zero, or even a few zeros.

I used to have some miserable fights with my son over homework. It felt like an enormous power struggle from 3:15 until bedtime every night. He was in counseling for ADHD and one day the counselor said, "Just quit. Let him face his own consequences" and I sputtered, "but, but what about his GRADES???" to which he replied, "Exactly, they're HIS grades."

Well, it worked. It took me a while to want to try it, but one night I threw up my hands and told DS forget it, just leave it, but then he'd have to explain to his teacher why it wasn't done. Lo and behold, the homework started getting done! I did give a heads up to the teacher and she was NOT happy about the method, but you know what, she didn't have to live with us and listen to the crying, whining and shouting.

That won't work for every kid, but it sure made our home a much more peaceful place.

DS and I have had this power struggle over homework for YEARS. I was well on the way to a nervous breakdown last year. Unfortunately, DS doesn't. care. what happens with his grades. He failed one class last year (7th grade) and I paid for him to take a correspondence summer-school course. He passed it with a 96% - obviously he's competent but lazy in school.

He started off this year with a bang already. Actually told the Algebra teacher that he doesn't feel like doing the work and he doesn't care if he flunks because he can just do a "packet" over the summer. Lovely. So, DS and I had a little chat. He's 14 - way old enough to understand the responsibility of his actions and the consequences thereof. I let him know that I was in no way, shape, or form paying for summer school this year. If he flunks any class, he's back in 8th grade next year while all of his friends move on up to the high school. I also let him know that I was no longer going to fight with him on homework. If he doesn't want to do it - I don't care.... don't do it. I will be available if he ever needs help but he needs to ask me. I'm not going to hound him.

So here's the bottom line: I know he's completely capable of making Honor Roll. Even in his toughest classes (English/Reading), he can pull off an 80% without breaking a sweat. I drew the line in the sand at 75% or an "S" (gym, music, art, etc) or better in every. single. class. I will print his grades off the online system every Thursday afternoon. If he makes the grades, he's good for the weekend. If any grade drops below my line - even if he has a 74.9% in one class - he's grounded for the weekend. I don't care if he has to back out of a hunting trip with his grandfather, a camping trip with scouts, or a weekend hanging out with friends! As of right now, his lowest grade is an 85% with the rest at 90% and up.

I imagine he'll test me. And I hate like heck to make him back out of a hunting weekend with Pappy (he's 80 and not getting any younger and I know DS cherishes their time together) but, thankfully, Pappy's on board with me. His teachers and I have tried for years to find his "carrot" (he was diagnosed with ADHD at age 5; Aspberger's at age 11; and depression last year). Taking away electronics, play time, toys, etc never worked for long. I hope this works but, if not, at least I hope to keep my sanity!

 

[FINFAN]

Amen. And I think as a society we look at this exactly backwards. The school has our kids at least seven hours a day. If they cannot get done what they need to get done in seven hours, they should reexamine what they are doing. How family time is spent should be determined by families, not by the schools.

And there is very little evidence that doing much homework, particularly in elementary school, has an impact on academic achievement. The amount of homework my kids get is staggering. The only impact it has is negative--math anxiety in particular.

Could not have posted this any better. Homework USED to be what you did not accomplish in class by not applying yourself so you had to finish it at home. STUDYING-RESEARCH-PROJECTS were for at home/non-school hours. This is the first year my sons math class handles ALL homework assignments in class. Right there with the teacher present to teach them, help them, explain it the way she is teaching ( as opposed to how we help DS at home which is at times was not the same as the teacher thus adding MORE confusion)Guess what? So far DS has the best math grades in his entire life, he is a Junior. At Orientation, the parents who bothered to attend were floored by the fact that their kids were not lying about not having hw, that it was in fact getting done in school. That the subject matter was indeed secured before moving on to the next( what a concept). The teacher was pretty laid back about it all, was a bit taken back at how amazed we all were...she felt this is how it is, she is there to teach them, not simply dictate to the curriculum.
Oh, and she is available for support during her lunch! She said yes, she will be eating while helping, and figures the student will be as well...I love her already.

 

[ilovejack02]

DS and I have had this power struggle over homework for YEARS. I was well on the way to a nervous breakdown last year. Unfortunately, DS doesn't. care. what happens with his grades. He failed one class last year (7th grade) and I paid for him to take a correspondence summer-school course. He passed it with a 96% - obviously he's competent but lazy in school.

He started off this year with a bang already. Actually told the Algebra teacher that he doesn't feel like doing the work and he doesn't care if he flunks because he can just do a "packet" over the summer. Lovely. So, DS and I had a little chat. He's 14 - way old enough to understand the responsibility of his actions and the consequences thereof. I let him know that I was in no way, shape, or form paying for summer school this year. If he flunks any class, he's back in 8th grade next year while all of his friends move on up to the high school. I also let him know that I was no longer going to fight with him on homework. If he doesn't want to do it - I don't care.... don't do it. I will be available if he ever needs help but he needs to ask me. I'm not going to hound him.

So here's the bottom line: I know he's completely capable of making Honor Roll. Even in his toughest classes (English/Reading), he can pull off an 80% without breaking a sweat. I drew the line in the sand at 75% or an "S" (gym, music, art, etc) or better in every. single. class. I will print his grades off the online system every Thursday afternoon. If he makes the grades, he's good for the weekend. If any grade drops below my line - even if he has a 74.9% in one class - he's grounded for the weekend. I don't care if he has to back out of a hunting trip with his grandfather, a camping trip with scouts, or a weekend hanging out with friends! As of right now, his lowest grade is an 85% with the rest at 90% and up.

I imagine he'll test me. And I hate like heck to make him back out of a hunting weekend with Pappy (he's 80 and not getting any younger and I know DS cherishes their time together) but, thankfully, Pappy's on board with me. His teachers and I have tried for years to find his "carrot" (he was diagnosed with ADHD at age 5; Aspberger's at age 11; and depression last year). Taking away electronics, play time, toys, etc never worked for long. I hope this works but, if not, at least I hope to keep my sanity!

OH you sound like me !!! My DSS21 lived with us from 7th grade until 19 years. We had to do the same thing, sink or swim and good luck to ya, if you need us we are here for you. Nothing worked, so he was on his own with the work. We rewarded like heck when he did great, but when he did badly, no words were spoken, just fun time removed and once driving, keys were handed over to us, no fights.

He managed to make it through , didn't set the world on fire , but he did it. He is a sweet kid , holds a steady job. Thinking of joining the military or heading back to community college soon. Sometimes ya just gotta let the older ones figure it out on their own.

 

[rodeo65]

Could not have posted this any better. Homework USED to be what you did not accomplish in class by not applying yourself so you had to finish it at home. STUDYING-RESEARCH-PROJECTS were for at home/non-school hours. This is the first year my sons math class handles ALL homework assignments in class. Right there with the teacher present to teach them, help them, explain it the way she is teaching ( as opposed to how we help DS at home which is at times was not the same as the teacher thus adding MORE confusion)Guess what? So far DS has the best math grades in his entire life, he is a Junior. At Orientation, the parents who bothered to attend were floored by the fact that their kids were not lying about not having hw, that it was in fact getting done in school. That the subject matter was indeed secured before moving on to the next( what a concept). The teacher was pretty laid back about it all, was a bit taken back at how amazed we all were...she felt this is how it is, she is there to teach them, not simply dictate to the curriculum.
Oh, and she is available for support during her lunch! She said yes, she will be eating while helping, and figures the student will be as well...I love her already.

How wonderful!!! Isn't it amazing the difference it makes for your child to have a great teacher?

 

[FINFAN]

yep...what is so hard to take is that this is the first, the FIRST teacher to have this philosophy ( or to at least implement it) in his entire education and as I said he is a Junior in High School. We live in a town that touts it *top notch award winning highly rated* school district. A bit too broad of a blanket statement I'm afraid. My DS actually intiated the college conversation the other day and has joined a school club and going out for another sport...coincidence? No way. Confidence? You betcha. Also, DS said 5 more students transfered into his class this past week from other sessions. THIS is why I wish teachers were paid on performance not tenure...just like every other career out there, well most non-union ones.

 

[Mellie2162]

Without having read any responses, homework used to be a battlefield here. I used to have to monitor my kids until I came to the decision to let them go and be on their own. Basically what I told them was this...its up to you to be responsible for doing your homework. If its not done by a certain time of the day then you will not be able to do it because its bath time and lights out, no exceptions. If you want me to sign off on it then you need to hand it to me by a certain time so I can look it over. If you dont do it, I dont sign off and you are responsible for telling the teacher why and ultimately taking the 0 for not doing it. Once I started this method homework became a breeze. Ever since then they would come home and do their thing but always would get their homework out and complete it before the cut off time. It only took a few times of having to explain to the teacher why it wasnt done. Now I dont even have to ask them about it, they do their homework every night without any fuss. Of course mine are older now, but this policy has been in effect for several years now.

 

[It'sWDW4me]

OH you sound like me !!! My DSS21 lived with us from 7th grade until 19 years. We had to do the same thing, sink or swim and good luck to ya, if you need us we are here for you. Nothing worked, so he was on his own with the work. We rewarded like heck when he did great, but when he did badly, no words were spoken, just fun time removed and once driving, keys were handed over to us, no fights.

He managed to make it through , didn't set the world on fire , but he did it. He is a sweet kid , holds a steady job. Thinking of joining the military or heading back to community college soon. Sometimes ya just gotta let the older ones figure it out on their own.

Thank you for the reassurance. There are some days that I just don't know if he'll get to wear a cap and gown at ANY graduation. This is quite an effort on my part - I was the kid sniveling if I did something to disappoint my teacher so I just don't understand his attitude. It's hard to stand back and see how far he lets himself sink! But I think he understands that I'm completely serious. I'm done cajoling, hounding, threatening, yelling ... basically making myself a wreck. The other night he didn't feel like doing his History HW. I just calmly said "OK but this will be the second assignment you miss this week. That can't be too good for your grade." Lo and behold, he suddenly had a change of heart and got it done!

 

[shortbun]

School is stressful and homework is sometimes piled on brutally. Teachers need to check their egos and meet from time to time so they know that they are giving the students room to breathe. My son has 4 teachers who have each assigned two major projects already and we've been in school 5 weeks. My son is an A student and he's really struggling to maintain that A average this year so far. As far as when to do homework, I allow a total hour break when he gets home. He has already been in brainiac mode for 7 hours and needs a break-so does your child. Children are body responders and those kids who are pushed will react in some way even if they do not vocally object. Also, we are noticing that our child is having trouble staying organized due to the pace that things are being thrown at him. We took some steps to help him stay organized here at home. If your child needs a break, let them take one. They are humans and humans can not sustain constant work mode without the quality suffering.

 

[ilovejack02]

Thank you for the reassurance. There are some days that I just don't know if he'll get to wear a cap and gown at ANY graduation. This is quite an effort on my part - I was the kid sniveling if I did something to disappoint my teacher so I just don't understand his attitude. It's hard to stand back and see how far he lets himself sink! But I think he understands that I'm completely serious. I'm done cajoling, hounding, threatening, yelling ... basically making myself a wreck. The other night he didn't feel like doing his History HW. I just calmly said "OK but this will be the second assignment you miss this week. That can't be too good for your grade." Lo and behold, he suddenly had a change of heart and got it done!

: ) it is so hard just to let go and put all responsibility on them , but fighting with them usually gets no where. Some kids are going to set the academic world on fire and others aren't .

Funny thing, my best friend's husband was bad bad bad in school . Obviously intelligent, just didn't give a rat's behind about school , horrible grades and rotten attitude. Some how he made it to college and he took off.

He now makes almost 300k a year , go figure. He is the biggest go getter I know .

I don't see my oldest doing that , but he will make his way. He has shown he can keep a job and does well, gotten a promotion or two . He will make a good husband and a great daddy one day. Is he most likely going to pull in that much money, no but he will do just fine and that is what is important . Proud of the boy we have raised.

Just keep on and let him live ; ) !

 

[FINFAN]

: ) it is so hard just to let go and put all responsibility on them , but fighting with them usually gets no where. Some kids are going to set the academic world on fire and others aren't .

Funny thing, my best friend's husband was bad bad bad in school . Obviously intelligent, just didn't give a rat's behind about school , horrible grades and rotten attitude. Some how he made it to college and he took off.

He now makes almost 300k a year , go figure. He is the biggest go getter I know .

I don't see my oldest doing that , but he will make his way. He has shown he can keep a job and does well, gotten a promotion or two . He will make a good husband and a great daddy one day. Is he most likely going to pull in that much money, no but he will do just fine and that is what is important . Proud of the boy we have raised.

Just keep on and let him live ; ) !

Once an individual can get out from under all the unecessary BS classes and get into what interests them, they usually do take off. Look at Europe...by age 16 most Gen Ed type courses are finished and students are entering their fields of study that they choose to attend college/University for.

 

[MushyMushy]

DS and I have had this power struggle over homework for YEARS. I was well on the way to a nervous breakdown last year. Unfortunately, DS doesn't. care. what happens with his grades. He failed one class last year (7th grade) and I paid for him to take a correspondence summer-school course. He passed it with a 96% - obviously he's competent but lazy in school.

He started off this year with a bang already. Actually told the Algebra teacher that he doesn't feel like doing the work and he doesn't care if he flunks because he can just do a "packet" over the summer. Lovely. So, DS and I had a little chat. He's 14 - way old enough to understand the responsibility of his actions and the consequences thereof. I let him know that I was in no way, shape, or form paying for summer school this year. If he flunks any class, he's back in 8th grade next year while all of his friends move on up to the high school. I also let him know that I was no longer going to fight with him on homework. If he doesn't want to do it - I don't care.... don't do it. I will be available if he ever needs help but he needs to ask me. I'm not going to hound him.

So here's the bottom line: I know he's completely capable of making Honor Roll. Even in his toughest classes (English/Reading), he can pull off an 80% without breaking a sweat. I drew the line in the sand at 75% or an "S" (gym, music, art, etc) or better in every. single. class. I will print his grades off the online system every Thursday afternoon. If he makes the grades, he's good for the weekend. If any grade drops below my line - even if he has a 74.9% in one class - he's grounded for the weekend. I don't care if he has to back out of a hunting trip with his grandfather, a camping trip with scouts, or a weekend hanging out with friends! As of right now, his lowest grade is an 85% with the rest at 90% and up.

I imagine he'll test me. And I hate like heck to make him back out of a hunting weekend with Pappy (he's 80 and not getting any younger and I know DS cherishes their time together) but, thankfully, Pappy's on board with me. His teachers and I have tried for years to find his "carrot" (he was diagnosed with ADHD at age 5; Aspberger's at age 11; and depression last year). Taking away electronics, play time, toys, etc never worked for long. I hope this works but, if not, at least I hope to keep my sanity!

You have all my sympathy! And it does sound exactly like my son. He decided his 9th grade year that he wasn't going to do homework. EVER. Oh, and he decided he wasn't going to dress for gym. EVER. The consequences that had worked so well in elementary school were obviously not going to work for high school. Like you, I tried to find a carrot. Cash worked for a while, but other than that he wasn't motivated by anything material and it didn't bother him a bit to be grounded.

That first year, he failed gym and one other class and I paid for him to take summer school classes. The next year he decided that summer school was awesome, so he "planned" again to fail gym and whichever class had the most work. OMG, that kid tested me and tested me. After that first year, I made it clear that he was paying for summer school, and it all came from birthday and holiday money.

Sometime around his junior year he got in trouble and had to go in front of the magistrate to pay a fine and do community service. That wonderful man must have seen some kind of potential in DS and saw how much I cared, and he put DS on a probation contingent on his grades and attendance. We went from thinking that DS was going to drop out to being on the honor roll once. DS fulfilled his probation, but the magistrate still asked DS to send in his report cards so he could keep up with him. I'm not saying he was a great student after he was released from that, but he graduated.

Anyway, keep at it! You should be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel at this point, even if it seems far off. Some day he will thank you.