I want to be happy for them....

[epcotfan]

I think there are some good ideas presented in this thread. I would try ebay or pet sitting for some extra cash. At least it is something that wouldn't require too much time and the profits can be decent.
Now I don't mean for this to sound rude, but if MY boyfriend decided he needed to work 7 days a week to keep up with my salary I would be looking for a new boyfriend. If my boyfriend felt making more money was even more important than time together it would be over. If you don't see each other, what is the point of having this relationship?

Good luck in whatever you decide.

 

[poohandwendy]

Oh Esmerelda...your posts make me sad and frustrated, LOL.

Please, please, please take my words as intended...not to hurt, but to make you think. To give you another angle as an objective outsider.

Alot of really great advice has been given, but one thing that I don't think has been mentioned:

You talk about how supportive he is of you, how generous, etc.

But you start the thread with , "I want to be happy for them, but I am not"...how supportive are YOU? A person who is "angry and envious' is not supportive. He gets a promotion and you are wringing your hands and feeling sorry for yourself...is that supportive?

You should be CELEBRATING the fact that the person you love has achieved success in his life!!!! You should be boasting his accomplishments...his cheerleader. Like he is for you. Not once in this thread have you mentioned how proud you are of him, I think that is a bit revealing.

Instead, you are considering risking it all by competing with him. Honey, eventually he will tire of it and your FEARS will be realized. You won't have a relationship left to control. You are sabbotaging the relationship...you need to find out why. I am a merely a manicurist, you have a psych degree...you KNOW enough to realize this is not about money...or your BF.

If you truly feel as strongly about this issue as you have conveyed in your posts, I urge you to seek outside help or you will never have a healthy relationship.

It's ironic that you are fretting over being financially equal, but you don't seem to notice that there is an emotional inequity in the supportiveness department of your relationship. Just food for thought.

Look at the time, your hour is up...No charge this visit....

 

[outstandinfarmer]

(The whole 50/50 thing bothers me. I want my man to take care of me. I want to take care of him. We take each other out. Whoever has more money that week pays. Everything is pretty much joint, but we each do a lot of side jobs and that can vary the money a lot)

Anyway, if you want to work two jobs then you need to get one that is laid back. My mom worked two jobs for years. Her day job was a stressful, never stop deal. Her evening and weekend job was real easy. She was a leasing consultant as her part timer. You don't need any experience for most of these jobs. She worked at an apartment complex and pretty much just sat there. She played on the computer, tenents came in and taked to her she sat and did her work from her full time job. She really liked it. She was the only one there. Look for a job like this where it's real laid back. A receptionist or something would do to. DON'T WORK AT WALMART!!!! Although it can be a good place to work, YOU WILL BE TIRED!!!!!! I used to get home from there and want to die!!! (I was a cashier and whew. . .) My mom worked 7-4, Mon-Fri., 5-8 Mon-Thurs, and 11-5 Sat and Sun. She still had her nights so she could "go out and play". If you work at Walmart, your hours will be crap. You will work until real late and never ever have a life. If you get a job in an office, the hours will be much better.

If you are getting the job because you need the money, then by all means do it. If you are doing it to just to be equal, then I'd forget it. (Maybe go back to school and get that grad degree. You could do that on the weekends just a thought)

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Originally posted by pw2pp
But I think she is feeling guilty because maybe she doesn't really LOVE him - she stated "We never plan to marry".

We never plan to marry because we are not religious and we do not feel that we need to make our relationship "legal". I know several unmarried but deeply committed couples who have lasted a lot longer than 1/2 the married people I know.

We're quite happy together.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Thank you all for your advice and thoughts. I will read this thread over and over and consider the advice I have been so kindly given very carefully before deciding what to do.

Someone earlier in a post suggested instead of a traditional second job, I do something like Pet sitting. I am currently looking in to that instead of Wal Mart.

Another poster asked if I needed the money or if I just wanted to be equal. Well, I guess it's a bit of both. We are not starving, but I also live paycheck to paycheck. Having even an extra $60 a week is a HUGE deal for me.

And I was very happy for him. He knows that. He also knows my anger lies with the fact that I was in his dept. once, for a lot longer than he has been, and I was only offered a promotion when I threatened to leave. I wound up leaving.

I love my current job , the only problem is I am doing the full time jobs of two people and getting paid starting salary, still , after almost 5 years with the same company. I am one of the worst paid employees in the entire company. I can not discuss this with my boss because she has been out on family leave since I don't even remember when and there is no one else can talk to. I did talk to her once last year about making me the equivalent of "senior support services rep" (she heads support services, and I report to her, but I'm technically not in the dept. because my job is specialized and i'm the only one who does it) and she siad she would if she could, but she can't.

I'm sorry if I come across as angry, or looking for pity. I'm not. I am just frustrated with the way my life is going and I feel like everytime I try to turn it around for the better, I fail.

I'm almost 28. I make less money ($30K) than most of the people I know who just graduated college. I make less money than most of the people I know who dropped out of high school and I feel like my early adult hood was wasted on a useless education.

Thank you all for listening.

 

[Serena]

I wish I knew what to say. I'm 40, make minimum wage and I'm lucky to have gotten this one. Jobs are really hard to find around here.

I do hope you and your bf work things out. And I truly don't think it will have anything to do with being equal. But hey, it might work for you after all.
Take care.

 

[kasar]

I am a merely a manicurist, you have a psych degree...

Excuse me, but manicurists and hairdressers are the BEST therapists around.

EsmeraldaX: No matter how much you love your job, $30K is not going to get you far in Boston, entry level jobs pay much more, especially with no hope of advancement. Again, I'll say that it looks like a career change is in order for you. Human resource jobs are perfect for people with psychology or sociology jobs and they pay pretty well. A family friend just took his psych degree and became a sales rep for a pharmaceutical company and started out at $50K a year (right out of college, no experience).

 

[jipsy]

I've been through two divorces and both times got the short end of the stick financially. So I know how you feel in that arena. That being said, as others have already told you, it is extremely unrealistic to think that you and your DBF will go through the rest of your lives making equal money. That will never happen.

Whose idea is it to split things 50/50? Was that your idea because of your past, or his idea or did you come to this conclusion together? And why is a 50/50 split between two people who love each other SO important to you?

All agreements between people eventually have to be reevaluated to see if they still apply. 5K right now isn't much difference between the two of you. Someday however, he might be making 45K more than you. Or you might be making 30K more than him? Now, how's that 50/50 split looking?

You stated that if he has an extra $20 and wants to go to the movies, you couldn't go because you can't pay your part. Do you EVER let him pay for anything for you without either of you expecting you have to reciprocate for it financially somehow? Or vice versa? And if not, how come?

People do nice things for those they love without expecting anything in return.

If you are in a dead end job, the solution is not to get a part time one to add more hours to your work week. The solution to to get a different FULL TIME job that PAYS MORE, if money is what is important to you.

However, at some point, the two of you are GOING TO HAVE TO CONFRONT this "equal pay between us" issue, because that is not only improbable for the rest of your life, it's IMPOSSIBLE. Better you confront it NOW at 5K difference, than later at 50K difference.

I've been with my DBF for 2 1/2 years now and we have lived together for 1 1/2 of those years. We have never equally split ANYTHING other than the rent, electric and phone because it is impossible. I probably buy 90% of the groceries, and he probably pays 90% of every time we go out somewhere. Everything else that comes up is paid by whoever has the money at the time it is due.

One last thing: You said that after you pay your half of the bills, you have virtually no money left. You've also stated that, until his raise, you made equal money, which means after he pays his half he would have no money left.

This means that you are both living ABOVE YOUR MEANS. Rather than try and kill yourself for a few extra bucks a week to equal up to his 5K - average of 30% taxes, etc. = 3500 / 52 weeks = $67/week more he will have than you, you should try to find a cheaper way to live (move or whatever) and take even that little extra he makes and work to get yourself out of debt by applying it towards any revolving cards, etc or putting into a joint savings account to put towards a home.

Or even better use that $67/week for some therapy so you can solve this problem once and for all.

 

[Lynn CC]

Between the birdhouses, that you may be able to sell on E-Bay or at a couple of yard sales or craft shows and pet sitting (people pay great money to find great people to care for their pets while they are away). I think you could make 5k a year.
Have the two of you looked into finding a less expesive place to live?
You did mention in your previous post a while ago that you had to buy a new car and your DBF uses it once in a while and I had asked you if he helps pay for that, but I didn't see a reply.
If the two of you use it regularly and he doesn't have his own then that is worth 5k a year right there, how else would he get to the movies, taxi's are pretty expensive too.
What about renting movies instead of going to a movie? There are so many little ways to save.

Your 20's can be tough, try not worry so much and enjoy one another. Time is so precious and if you have found the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with, married or not, then you are way ahead of some people, and at such a young age!
Be Happy!

 

[bubie2.5]

I understand how you feel, I’m and the other end of the relationship, I earn 3 times more than my gf. At first she was apprehensive about being with me, because (as she put it) she didn’t wanted me to support her financially, but the thing is we’re a couple, what I make is as much hers as it is mine. It’s true sometimes I want to do things that she can’t afford to do with her salary, but we work things out, sometimes she lets me pay, sometimes we just stay home and hang.

You might not be making the same as he is, but maybe for him spending his life with you is worth more than all the money in the world, so you’re actually the one with the really valuable stuff. I’m sure that if you talked with you bf he will tell you the same thing.

 

[Winka]

Originally posted by kasar
Excuse me, but manicurists and hairdressers are the BEST therapists around.

Amen. My stylist's fees have just jumped AGAIN but I don't bat an eye...hell of a lot cheaper (not to mention more fun and rewarding) than therapy any day.

Good luck Esmeralda... in the end, I can't judge you bc I've never walked where you have. I liked a lot of the suggestions presented and I hope it all works out for you. We're rooting for you.

 

[CajunDixie]

Originally posted by EsmeraldaX
The day the doctors turned into businessmen and women in this country, instead of caring people who treated the ill was a sad day.

By the way, my DBF has gone through a bankrupcy (long story - but basically he made a huge mistake and started his own business which failed after 4 years and he used personal credit cards instead of business ones to do so. He was only 26 at the time and I applaud him for at least taking the initiave to try) and if you think that people who declare bankrupcy get off scot free, you are wrong. At 32 he has so much debt, will never be able to buy a new car or house without paying ridiculously high interest (if they even give him a loan at all), there are certain loans he still has to pay, he has no ability to get credit cards etc.

Getting back on his feet has been a long, long endeavor.

Now he works in a cushy office job with a decent salary but he has no savings ect aside from his 401K. He is in no way a deadbeat, and he's better of than many in that he has a job with benefits.

But if you think that bankrupcy does not seriously damage a persons future, it does.

Guess he can pay off all his bills with his raise and you'll still be on equal ground.