I want to be happy for them....

[believe]

Yes...and no amount of money is worth not seeing DH. There have been times that I made more than DH and times when he made more than me. Doesn't matter to me. He even tends to have more 'spending' money because I pay the bills that fluctuate and he has 'set' bills. We work together. That is what a relationship is about. When I worked 2 full times jobs DH had to pick up the slack at home, that was not fair to him but he was willing to do it since one job was for income and the other was to try to get a permanent job in my field. If you take another job will it mean more work for your DBF at home. Are you still going to be able to help around the house? I'm thinking you may make more money but you will be losing something you can never get back...time together.

 

[robsmom]

as a physcology major you, I hope you will understand when I say you should talk to someone about this. I remember from your prior post that plan to be together for a long time (forever) but never married. I think I remember something about you being divorced and your ex kind of taking you financially? Was this the right post.

It is o.k. to be independent financialy

It is o.k. to not want someone else to pay your way

It is not o.k. to assume that you can spend the rest of your life in a relationship with someone who makes the exact same dollar amount as you. It's not o.k. because it is not realistic. You will never be happy. Could you mentally set a range for yourself such as "whenever my significant other and I make within 25% of the same salary I will consider us financially equal". When you start to head out of this range you set, then you can think about a new career etc. You can react a bit slower and do what is best for you.

 

[dumboiu]

Originally posted by Bumbles
which is why therapy is a good thing

 

[Cindy B]

Another thing to think about is defining the line between roommate and romantic love interest.

I've lived with roommates, the _who-bought-toilet-paper-this-week, and the ones who drank all MY milk, etc... but this was during college.

When I lived with my DH, its a different thing. I don't let the money thing bother me. I don't have a hang up about who is doing what, where and HOW much.

I hope the best for you. If you both are equals in other areas, the numbers on a paycheck shouldn't matter

 

[TigerBear]

Originally posted by EsmeraldaX
When I get the money. Possibly one or two classes here and there. It will take a while but I think it will be worth it.

I would just encourage you to think through all of your options before deciding. I just completed a Ph.D. in psychology - it is not a field that anyone should go into for money. Unless you write a book or have a private practice that does not involve third party payers, there is not money in this field. I know many, many people who make more than I do with a Bachelor's degree.

 

[Serena]

I have a question, how are the financial arrangements as they are now?

I'm wondering if having three bank accounts would help. One for each of you and one for both of you. The combined account is what each of you would contribute to the pot. And if I were you, I would definitely talk this through with him.
Set up a budget, including entertainment. That way you won't feel beholding to him.
The rest is seperate. To use how each of you wish. With no complaining if one of you gives a gift to the other, or choses for example, hey I want to go out, and you're going with me. No arguments.

Would something like that help?

 

[Tigger&Tink]

NOT trying to be RUDE or start ANY debates,,I guess I am just OLD fashion (NO NOT OLD __OLD FASHION HEEHEE) when it gets to the LIVING TOGETHER STAGE and of course when married,,
I feel,,, whats MINE IS YOURS what YOURS is mine,,,all in one pot,,,some days he will want/need something,,somedays you will...I just do not understand all the YOURS/MINE..together is together..everything.....JUST MY 2 PENNIES worth..PLEASE no one YELL at me -I AM TENDER HEARTED---and cry easy



TINK---LINDA

 

[Serena]

My sister's new husband has this thing about everything being 50/50 and he's obsessive about it. I don't like the sound of it, but I can't smack him and tell him to snap out of it.

 

[ScarlettO]

Originally posted by EsmeraldaX
My degrees are bachelors in Psychology and Sociology.

I think you have the qualifications(degree wise) to try and figure why you feel this way. My gosh, there is no way any couple in America makes the exact same amount of$$. What you earn is not what you are WORTH. You need to take a good hard look at how you feel about your self-worth.

 

[Pooh Girl 71]

What would you like to go back to school and study? You could get financial aid to attend. There might be scholarships available. If all else fails, you could get student loans and pay them off when your done with school. I've read several of your posts where you speak about not getting further ahead in your current job, never being able to buy a house, etc. It sounds really bleak.

I know you've mentioned having a very bad prior relationship and I imagine your feeling battle scarred from it. I understand your need to protect yourself from getting hurt emotionally, financially, etc. However, your need to be on equal terms with your boyfriend sounds unhealthy. Lots of people have said this and I agree, chances are pretty good that you and the boyfriend are never going to make the same exact amount of money. Now, if you want to get a part time job to help pay some bills, etc that is all fine and dandy. But, working 7 days a week will make you resentful and very tired.

Good luck to you. You do sound like a nice person and I hope you get what you are looking for. I think if you do have any mental health benefits, that it would be beneficial to talk to a therapist.

 

[Tigger&Tink]

SERENA............but I can't smack him and tell him to snap out of it.



WHY????? heeeeee heeee!

 

[Serena]

I know, I know, but my sister might protest. Well, that's never stopped me before.

 

[OceanAnnie]

It seems like you are frustrated by a dead-end job and you are focusing your anger on your DBF & friend. It isn't easy to be happy for them and put your unhappiness on the back burner, but it can be done. It's not their "fault" they got promotions & raises. I'm sure it's a difficult position to be in, but aim your attention at the situation you are in and use it for positive change.

Instead of looking for a second job, consider using all that energy towards finding a way out of the dead-end job. Do an assessment of the skills you have and skills you need to further your goals. (You don't necessarily need graduate school. You may just need a few classes to round out some gaps.) Identify transferrable skills that can springboard you into another more lucrative field. Do you live close by the college or university you graduated from? If so, look into their student services programs. You may be able to get free career testing & advice as an alumni.

I don't quite "get" the never going to marry, splitting 50-50 thing. It sounds like a lot of history beforehand that's worked it's way into the present. I hope if it's not working for you, you will reconsider some of the rules (for lack of a better word).

P.S.- A good book to read: The 9 Steps to Financial Freedom- Suze Orman

Best of Luck to you. Keep us posted.

 

[Lisa F]

Originally posted by ScarlettO
What you earn is not what you are WORTH.

Truer words were never spoken.

 

[TigerBear]

Originally posted by Serena
My sister's new husband has this thing about everything being 50/50 and he's obsessive about it. I don't like the sound of it, but I can't smack him and tell him to snap out of it.

My s-i-l actually has a similar philosophy (due to a bad first marriage) and my brother and she are very happy! Its not so much 50/50 as they have separate accounts and split the bills - he pays the mortgage and she pays for the other house related bills. She recently told me that she and her ex fought so much about money that she wanted to make sure that didn't happen in her next relationship. It truly works for them.

I had friends in college who literally tried to split everything 50/50 and it was a mess. I remember several times at dinner they would argue about who owes who money. That I can't imagine.

Like someone said above, different things work for different people.

 

[kasar]

Has anyone ever seen the Joy Luck Club movie when the husband and wife are fighting over who owes what for the ice cream? That's exactly what this reminds me of.

I totally agree with all of the above posters. As hard as it may be, you need to learn to trust your BF and not bring your past into THIS relationship. I'm almost positive that he would rather treat you to a few movies and dinners than have you out working every single day and night (if not, then there are much greater issues than money).

One other option is to not only change jobs but change career paths. Psych degrees are great springboards for all kinds of jobs like sales or management or anything! Check out those want ads and take a chance on something else if you feel like you aren't going anywhere in this field. Just a thought.

 

[battricia]

Originally posted by pw2pp
But I think she is feeling guilty because maybe she doesn't really LOVE him - she stated "We never plan to marry".

Did the OP actually say she doesn't love her boyfriend? Because I didn't see that, I didn't feel that, and I certainly hope you're not assuming that!

Just because someone doesn't intend to marry doesn't mean that those people don't love eachother, or even plan on spending the rest of their lives together.


I personally feel the problem is that you have issues with control. Don't take this as someone trying to be nasty, I, myself am a proclaimed 'control freak'. I constantly feel the need to have control over things, I feel much safer knowing that I'm in control. When someone else has stake in whatever it is, that means I can no longer control it, Especially if I have LESS stake in whatever it is than the other person.

I think this is possibly what you're feeling. If your boyfriend puts a few more dollars into the furnature than you do, you lose control over it. Maybe you feel as if you won't be able to put it where you want to put it. Or clean it the way you like to clean it (just one example out of a million). I know EXACTLY how that feels!

The only thing I can tell you is that you just need to let it go. If even for a few weeks or a month or two. Just let it go and see how it feels. See if it really is as un-safe as you think it is. I'd be willing to bet you forget those feelings, and relax more, and just have some fun.

I also feel that 5k a year (as many others have posted) is not enough to get up in arms about. I could see feeling off if it was like 15k or so, but 5k is not worth it.

So again, my suggestion to you is just take a deep breath, let it out slowly and relax. Take a break from thinking about this for a month or two. Maybe pretend you don't even KNOW about the extra money he's making. See what happens, and if in a month or two you still feel you need the extra job, then go out and get it. But really TRY to let go of it, if only for a month. That amount of time is not going to kill you, and he won't even have made THAT much more money in that month.

I hope this helps.
tricia.

 

[battricia]

Oh and also, (as I said before), Let the man take you out on a date every once in a while!

tricia.

 

[C.Ann]

You said somewhere in this thread that you "don't know why you feel this way.."

Well I do.. It's fear - plain and simple.. I remember reading some of your other posts - where you had such a horrible experience with your ex-husband.. Whatever he did to you - whatever he put you through - is responsible for your fear and is the motivating factor behind everything you have done since then..

Money is not going to solve this problem - counseling can.. You have been victimized and emotionally scarred.. Please, please, PLEASE consider seeing someone.. If you don't, eventually you are going to totally self-destruct..

There's no shame in getting help - the shame is in NOT getting help when you need it..

Hugs,
C.Ann

 

[Kallison]

Why don't you look for a job that would help pay for grad school. When I worked at Princeton, they would pay a good portion towards your higher education.

Dh makes about 8 times what I do -- thank goodness! I've never felt a need to catch up that is for sure! What's mine is his and his is mine.