I think I'm depressed (proceed whining now...)

[minkydog]

I was listening to a radio telethon today and the hosts were talking to people about the local children's hospital. They were so earnest and nice, talking about how wonderful life is, how the kids are so full of life, how we should all be grateful for every new day. And I thought, "It's been a long, long time since I could sincerely make that statement." I don't look forward to each new day. It takes too much energy to even cry or take a deep breath.
Some times I think I can't wait until i finally die. I think that is why I don't take care of myself, sort of a twisted kind of slow suicide. I know I'm at risk for heart disease & diabetes and I don't care.

My life is pretty much the same routine day in and day out. I know why I'm depressed--I have so little control over my life, with my husband sick and one handicapped son,a preteen daughter, and the other son struggling to be a man. I get up, put 2 kids on the bus,make sure 1 kid gets off to college, wait on my hubby, do what ever hubby wants to do(if he has the energy), fix supper, get the kids ready for bed, and go to sleep. Some days I also work until 2am(from home) and do errands(with hubby.)

I know what i need--I need to exercise. I need some mental stimulation(not that the DIS doesn't provide a lot, but, umm...yeah) I have thought about enrolling in the local tech school and taking cooking classes. Music gives me a terrific boost. I don't know if I have the concentration to do college, though. Or the clothes. Or the cash. And I already have a BS so I don't need a degree. I just want to do something creative.

<Sigh> go ahead and flame away. I don't even care. Hubby's doctor told me today that she guesses he has about 10yrs to live(or less, but not more). He doesn't know and I'm not going to tell him. Not yet. He isn't ready to hear it. He is chronically ill and only 48yo. Thank goodness he has a good attitude because I'm about to lose mine.

Thanks for listening to me whine. you don't need to reply. i know you love me.I'm just feeling low

Eeyore

 

[Christine]

No flames here. I often feel like you do.

I'm not quite sure if it is depression or just being totally overwhelmed by responsibility. I only have 2 children (one that definitely has some health issues), a full time job, a long commute, and husband who is not "heroic" when it comes to helping out around the house. On top of that, I've dealt with thyroid cancer and now have a host of other "health" stuff popping up.

While, deep down, I don't feel like a depressed person (I generally have a happy outlook), I do feel so worn down that I just feel like I can't get out.

Like you, I know that exercise and eating better would greatly help me, but I feel like both of those things would be another chore to my already broken back.

By the way, I must have missed some of your postings but what exactly is wrong with your DH?

 

[Blueeyes101817]

no flames here, just a hug

 

[Snowysmom]

No flames here either. I can definately understand where you are coming from. Take care.

 

[dmslush]

I can't imagine why anyone would flame you! You are so giving of yourself that you have forgotten to give BACK to yourself!!

I think enrolling in tech school would be wonderful!! There is nothing like interaction with people who have the same interests as you!

 

[hentob]

No flames...BUT--PLEASE get yourself some help. You are depressed, you are sick. You need to take care of yourself or you won't be able to take care of others.

Also, take time to do something for YOU! Something you can look forward to doing (even if it is just one a month)..a pedicure, facial, new outfit, hair cut/color, Starbucks treat with a new People magazine , etc.

Please take care.

 

[minkydog]

By the way, I must have missed some of your postings but what exactly is wrong with your DH?

He has stage 4 sarcoidosis, a type of auto-immune disease that attacks his lungs, heart, brain and thyroid with scar tissue. He developed congestive heart failure and pulmonary hypertension about 1-1/2yrs ago. Sarcoid tissue stiffens anything it enters, so a heart can't pump right, lungs can't open & close right, thyroid can't secrete properly, brain waves get disrupted. Most of the time he is very fatigued & breathless and too weak to do much with the kids. He works about 2 days a week . There are times when he has decent energy and we can do some shopping together or even go camping, but he has been ill for the past 5 wks and is not throwing it off.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Yes, the evil depression bug.

You know, you have every right to feel like crap. I would say that exercise is very good. It does give you a boost and gets you into shape as well.

Can you take a class, like a beginner step class? Or how about Karate or Tae Kwon Do? Get your mind and body in shape?

 

[SDFgirl]

 

[hugsquared]

Awww honey. to you and your family.

 

[Pooh67_68]

 

[Boston Tea Party]

The tasks do grind on you, don't they? I am sorry. I hope that you can find peace. I know that your family appreciates what you do, even if they don't express it.

 

[helenabear]

no flames here either... just lots of

 

[winniedapooh]

 

[Rozzie]

I am always amazed at your strength. It seems like you have so much to deal with, I can't imagine having to deal with all you do. I think any of us would be depressed. Hope things get better for you soon. Maybe take some time and do something nice for yourself. And here's a

 

[raammartin]

No flames just a great big hug. I can't imagine what you are going through.

 

[ADisneygirl]

Caretakers of ill loved ones are often depressed. How could they not be? Their spouse is terminal, all the responsibilities are on their shoulders, they feel they have to be the strong one, and often there is no one to help with anything. What you need is a break from routine and some fun. Can you go out during the day? Is there anyone who could come over and keep an eye on things for a few hours? Go get a manicure/pedicure, see a movie, eat out with friends, anything you can do to feel like yourself again. You need a break in the routine.

I feel sorry for you. I can't imagine carrying that load all alone.

 

[MoniqueU]

I can relate. I got told I have a progressive, degenerative, incurable eye disease. In short I am going blind. I already can't drive in my state. I have trouble in low light conditions, after dark, in crowds, in malls at the store. I force my self to do stuff like go to disneyland about once a week with my kids out to shop all sorts of stuff. But in truth all I really want to do is sit on my tush and read internet message boards and be left alone. I am out of shape, overweight from quitting smoking and meds I am on and I just don't care. I feel like oh well looks really are nothing important compared to what I am faceing. Not being able to see my kids anymore. Not being able to read. In short being just trapped at home listening to my tv. Oh joy won't that be fun. So I do try and do as much as I can now and fake it till I make it but I really wish some other people in my life would be a bit more supportive of me.

I am glad your husband seems to be less depressed then you though, that is great. Sometimes life just isn'[t great and we can't be expected to act like it is.

 

[PrincessKitty1]

 

[minkydog]

Caretakers of ill loved ones are often depressed. How could they not be? Their spouse is terminal, all the responsibilities are on their shoulders, they feel they have to be the strong one, and often there is no one to help with anything. What you need is a break from routine and some fun.

You hit the nail right on the head! Man, you're good...

Thanks to everyone for your kind replies. I know I'm whining and I really do try not to complain. It just all kinda got to me tonight. My daughter made me watch "The King and I" while my soup was canning and that made me feel a little better. And my dog still loves me