I think I just might skip Christmas

[Mouse House Mama]

We have not fully skipped Christmas but each year one child loses a present(s) and has to donate it. So far they are doing really good this year and they might all actually get to keep all of their gifts.

Now Halloween and Birthday parties are another story. My boys have not gotten to go Trick-or-Treating in 2 years. DS8 lost his birthday party last year and has now lost his birthday party this year. We still give him gifts and a cake but he does not get to have friends over and have a big party, only family with some cake.

Our kids don't have to like us but they will respect us. They get mad at us when they are punished but then a few hours later they are apologizing and saying that they love us. They know what we do is because we love them and want them to be better. There is nothing fun about telling your friends why you can't have a party, Trick or Treat, doing lots of chores (laundry, dishes, scrubbing bathrooms) or why your dad is sitting in your classroom with you, but if it means our kids will be productive memebers of society and not end up in jail, then we will do it.

So do what you feel is right.

At their age what on earth could they have possibly done to lose such things?! Really? No trick or treating at 5 years old? Seriously? I cannot even fathom what a child could do at that age to warrant that.
I hate to say it but it doesn't sound like your methods are working if you have to have a repeat of them.
I cannot wrap my head around this post. I don't put up with the kids being fresh but I cannot imagine then getting to the point where I would cancel their holiday or birthday party at such a young age. I would think that if they were truly and honestly that ill behaved then I must have failed somewhere.

 

[inkedupmomma]

Great post and I agree.


If one of the children has an ODD diagnosis than the issue becomes more complicated. No amount of punishment is going to be effective in dealing with a child with ODD.
Being the sibling a child with ODD is no bed of roses, either.

Given the special circumstances I would strongly advise against the OP canceling Christmas. There seems to be more going on than a simple case of rude children.

Good luck, OP. It took a lot of guts to come post this and I wish your family the best. I agree with the previous posters who recommended family therapy.

Thank you. I was just amazed that moms on a Disney forum would be agreeing, even encouraging hitting Especially for a child with ODD. Any child. Hotting is just not cool.
I agree that there is MUCH more going on than what we have heard on here. Therapy definitely sounds like a great route!

Don't be sad. God puts all kinds of people in our lives to make us learn the lessons we need.

I learned how not to treat others. I met the most wonderful man and have a life that I thought only happens in fairy tales.

so true, so true! everything happens for a reason! and yay for your fairytale ending!

I know everyone has different parenting styles and I respect this difference. However, in my world the more I want to hit, the harder I hug, the more compliments I give and the more "I love you"s that come out of my mouth.

I would not deprive them of Christmas. This Holy Day is a celebration of our Faith, and since it is my Faith which has carried me so often in life the last thing I would ever do would be drive a wedge between that source of solace and my kids. But this is just my take on it, to each their own. Good luck.

what a beautiful way of thinking!

 

[manning]

I remember a grand niece being rude to her mother. The father told her to apologize and she wouldn't do it. After he got in her face and explained why she should (what would be taken away) she couldn't apologize fast enough.

 

[Kennywife]

"I know everyone has different parenting styles and I respect this difference. However, in my world the more I want to hit, the harder I hug, the more compliments I give and the more "I love you"s that come out of my mouth.

I would not deprive them of Christmas. This Holy Day is a celebration of our Faith, and since it is my Faith which has carried me so often in life the last thing I would ever do would be drive a wedge between that source of solace and my kids. But this is just my take on it, to each their own. Good luck."

ITA. Even though I have no children at this moment, I couldn't take away Christmas or a birthday because they weren't behaving. That's just not right imo.

Anna

 

[NYPDwife]

First I would like to point out that she slapped her daughters mouth. Not her ODD son. Secondly, ODD is not basically just bad behavior. Dig a little deeper on your research of it and you will soon realize it is much more than that. Thirdly, why oh why would any of you ever encourage spanking/slapping/abuse of any form, on a public forum no less? There are laws against this. I know the laws have gotten a bit out of hand, but your logic of "backhanding you on your mouth so you can hurt for a bit" is crazy? You intentionally want to make your child hurt for a bit?? Hitting them is not going to make them respect you, it is going to make them resent you, and teach them that hitting is what you should do when you are not in control of a situation.

As Dis moms we should be encouraging each other on healthy ways to deal with our children.

My point in making my child's mouth hurt is "did you say something nasty to me, yes?, than maybe you'll remember how your mouth hurt the next time you try it". My mother did more than backhand my mouth, I got slapped in the face (openly slapped), hit with the belt, etc. and I'm a productive member of society that loves my kids dearly and does not beat them. Do I think that you should be able to break your childs bones or punch them? No, but I don't believe that you should try and take away my right to discipline my child as I see fit. I'm not pimp-slapping them, it's just a flick of my hand. Jeez.

 

[luvsJack]

NYPDwife,

you sound like all the "helpful" people that tried to tell me how to deal with my son's ADHD. ODD is even worse and for neither one, HITTING DOESN"T WORK!!

I am not against spanking. But, if it doesn't work, it just doesn't work.

Everyone wants to look at these diagnosis and say, "back in my day we just called that being bad" or whatever. Nope. Not even close to the same and until you have to deal with it you have no clue.

Actually slapping a child breaks down their self esteem, btw. That is a terrible thing to do to a child. It not whether the slap hurts, its how it makes the child feel inside.

 

[allison443]

At their age what on earth could they have possibly done to lose such things?! Really? No trick or treating at 5 years old? Seriously? I cannot even fathom what a child could do at that age to warrant that.
I hate to say it but it doesn't sound like your methods are working if you have to have a repeat of them.
I cannot wrap my head around this post. I don't put up with the kids being fresh but I cannot imagine then getting to the point where I would cancel their holiday or birthday party at such a young age. I would think that if they were truly and honestly that ill behaved then I must have failed somewhere.

I agree.

 

[allison443]

My point in making my child's mouth hurt is "did you say something nasty to me, yes?, than maybe you'll remember how your mouth hurt the next time you try it". My mother did more than backhand my mouth, I got slapped in the face (openly slapped), hit with the belt, etc. and I'm a productive member of society that loves my kids dearly and does not beat them. Do I think that you should be able to break your childs bones or punch them? No, but I don't believe that you should try and take away my right to discipline my child as I see fit. I'm not pimp-slapping them, it's just a flick of my hand. Jeez.

Well, it may be a "flick" but it does hurt them, right? You said that's the point, for them to "remember how their mouth hurt." Calling it a flick is minimizing the fact that your intention is to actually hurt them.

 

[Deffenm]

Well my kids weren't 5 when they lost Trick or Treat they were 8 & 10. Also they still have a birthday party just not a BIG Party. The reason the big birthday Party got cancelled is because son broke his glasses mutiple times (he has had them since he was 2 so he knows how to take care of them) and the cost to buy him new ones cost the same as his Big Party. I don't know about you but we don't have money growing on trees. I couldn't afford buying him new glasses and have his birthday party at the place he wanted. We are a one income family and my kids know that if they lose something multiple times or break something the money has to come from somewhere. We will still have cake and presents at home. They know they are loved and they do not want for anything.

As for losing Trick ot Treat one boy stole and the other boy was being disrepectful at school and lied. These are not acceptable behaviors in our home and the boys knew that if they did not have behave at school this was their consequence. They chose to make a bad decision and had to suffer the consequence.

Our children are adopted and unfortuantely they came with a lot of baggage. People can critize how we parent but unless you live with our children and deal with their issues please don't judge. I understand everyone has their own opinion and I respect that.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Well my kids weren't 5 when they lost Trick or Treat they were 8 & 10. Also they still have a birthday party just not a BIG Party. The reason the big birthday Party got cancelled is because son broke his glasses mutiple times (he has had them since he was 2 so he knows how to take care of them) and the cost to buy him new ones cost the same as his Big Party. I don't know about you but we don't have money growing on trees. I couldn't afford buying him new glasses and have his birthday party at the place he wanted. We are a one income family and my kids know that if they lose something multiple times or break something the money has to come from somewhere. We will still have cake and presents at home. They know they are loved and they do not want for anything.

As for losing Trick ot Treat one boy stole and the other boy was being disrepectful at school and lied. These are not acceptable behaviors in our home and the boys knew that if they did not have behave at school this was their consequence. They chose to make a bad decision and had to suffer the consequence.

Our children are adopted and unfortuantely they came with a lot of baggage. People can critize how we parent but unless you live with our children and deal with their issues please don't judge. I understand everyone has their own opinion and I respect that.

You said your sons lost ToT the last 2 years. That would make them 6 and 7.
I get the not having money thing and I agree with the behavior not being acceptable but I guess it would never occur to me to take away a holiday from them. YMMV.

 

[Explodo]

My next door neighbors have three boys (Ages 6 and 4) The oldest tries to be good...but is a boy...the Twin younger Boys are nice boys...they are just ornery. For example...Our Three year old boy and the two 4 year old boys were playing in the backyard...they decided to crawl over a 5 foot fence...cross a street and go down to a pond. Swear to god it onnly took them about 2 minutes to get over the fence and across the street.

There were many tears and hurt feelings over this one...All three were in big time trouble. The next day they were all grounded...the twins didn;t like this...so they threw a fit and threw a shoe through flat screen TV. EVEN BIGGER trouble...

Then the 6 year old boy decided he was mad at mom and dad and snuck out of the house at 10:30pm once mom and dad went to bed. I happened to be outside with the dog...It was about 7 degrees outside and this boy was in PJ's and boots. (And a can of Spagetti-o's...don;t ask me...I was trying not to laugh)

I took him home...His dad was Shocked to have me at his door at 11pm...but turned beet red when he heard the story.

So...this kind of thing has gone on all year...Boys will be boys...But Mom and Dad have decided that the boys will be getting no christmas presents this year. They have informed everyone that the boys have been naughty(and they have) and any gifts they recieve will be going to the Toys for Tots Program.

My Wife and I are in Awe.

 

[missypie]

The sibling issue is one reason why I suggested professional counseling. If I had one child who had an actual diagnosis of why he acts the way he does, and one who is perhaps acting just as disrespectfully, I'd personally be at loss for how to handle it. We parents try to be fair and equal, but I'm not sure that consequences should be the same for these particular two siblings.

I have one child with mild Aspergers. When the other two get in trouble for something that the Aspie didn't get in trouble for, believe me, the other two are quick to let me know about it. But yet, you can't always handle each child the same way. Some kids are a lot more challenging than others and we aren't born knowing how to handle the more difficult ones.

 

[Darsa]

My next door neighbors have three boys (Ages 6 and 4) The oldest tries to be good...but is a boy...the Twin younger Boys are nice boys...they are just ornery. For example...Our Three year old boy and the two 4 year old boys were playing in the backyard...they decided to crawl over a 5 foot fence...cross a street and go down to a pond. Swear to god it onnly took them about 2 minutes to get over the fence and across the street.

There were many tears and hurt feelings over this one...All three were in big time trouble. The next day they were all grounded...the twins didn;t like this...so they threw a fit and threw a shoe through flat screen TV. EVEN BIGGER trouble...

Then the 6 year old boy decided he was mad at mom and dad and snuck out of the house at 10:30pm once mom and dad went to bed. I happened to be outside with the dog...It was about 7 degrees outside and this boy was in PJ's and boots. (And a can of Spagetti-o's...don;t ask me...I was trying not to laugh)

I took him home...His dad was Shocked to have me at his door at 11pm...but turned beet red when he heard the story.

So...this kind of thing has gone on all year...Boys will be boys...But Mom and Dad have decided that the boys will be getting no christmas presents this year. They have informed everyone that the boys have been naughty(and they have) and any gifts they recieve will be going to the Toys for Tots Program.

My Wife and I are in Awe.

Good for them! This is a perfect way to handle those situations, in my opinion.

 

[wenrob]

I was thinking about this thread last night and the poster who said they still resent their parents for taking Christmas. As a young adult I still resented my parents for a lot of things but as I get older and am now experiencing a teen I can see, understand and even appreciate some of what they did. Do I think all of it was right? Of course not, I think every generation tries to do better then the last and every child is different. We have to do what we feel is right to get the message across. I was slapped in the mouth once and I never committed that offense again. I don't remember my self esteem being lowered. I knew I deserved it at the time and while I may have been resentful it did teach me a lesson. Today's kids are way too disrespectful and it's because they have no consequences for their actions. I'm not saying people need to resort to smacking mouthy teenagers (personally I'm not against it) but there has to be something of value restricted to get the message across. I just don't think talks and hugs (and I'm not against those either) are enough to get the job done. If the OP thinks taking Christmas away will work then I say go for it. Hurt pride will do a kid good every once in awhile.

I have a 15yr old nephew. He treats my sister like crap, gets suspended from school on a regular basis and it's my sister's own fault. There are no consequences for his behavior. When he is in my home he is a model citizen because he knows that's what we expect. He would never dream of speaking to me the way he does his mother and he's afraid to cross my DH whom he towers over and out weighs. We don't stand for it in our house EVER, he knows we'll pack him up and take his butt home. He knows it, so he doesn't even try, KWIM? We as the adults in these kids lives have got to learn to get tough. If their feeling get hurt, well, so be it, they'll survive. If they miss out on something because of their actions maybe they'll think twice next time. Giving them something they don't deserve is like patting them on the head and telling them they can do whatever, whenever they want.

 

[disneybound2012]

I can't take credit for this because I read it somewhere and these kids are to old for this. But instead of writing letters to santa asking for specific items have them write about why they deserve to get presents on Christmas.

 

[inkedupmomma]

My point in making my child's mouth hurt is "did you say something nasty to me, yes?, than maybe you'll remember how your mouth hurt the next time you try it". My mother did more than backhand my mouth, I got slapped in the face (openly slapped), hit with the belt, etc. and I'm a productive member of society that loves my kids dearly and does not beat them. Do I think that you should be able to break your childs bones or punch them? No, but I don't believe that you should try and take away my right to discipline my child as I see fit. I'm not pimp-slapping them, it's just a flick of my hand. Jeez.

First off, you are not your mother. Did her hitting you work? Clearly not if she had to do it more than once. Same with your kids. I wasn't trying to say you beat them down btw. Point is, hitting your kids does not work. Clearly if you have to continuously do so.

My even bigger and most important point was that we are all Disney Loving moms. Moms that should support each other in healthy behavior.Not encouraging hitting our children. You may not break your childs bones, but how do you know who you are supporting and how hard they hit? Safest bet is to never encourage behavior that makes a child feel pain, physical or emotional.

NYPDwife,

you sound like all the "helpful" people that tried to tell me how to deal with my son's ADHD. ODD is even worse and for neither one, HITTING DOESN"T WORK!!

I am not against spanking. But, if it doesn't work, it just doesn't work.

Everyone wants to look at these diagnosis and say, "back in my day we just called that being bad" or whatever. Nope. Not even close to the same and until you have to deal with it you have no clue.

Actually slapping a child breaks down their self esteem, btw. That is a terrible thing to do to a child. It not whether the slap hurts, its how it makes the child feel inside.

I HATE when people say things like "back in my day we just called that being bad" . It is a shame that back in that day these people were dismissed as just problems. I for one am glad that people are no longer labeled as just problems, and can actually find the help they need to be productive parts of society. Having ADHD/ODD/ or any spectrum does NOT make a child bad. That child did not choose to be that way. good grief, why does that even have to be explained?? Don't get me wrong, doctors now a days are very quick to slap a label on kids, but most truly do have issues and get help thanks to research and studies. So no they are not just bad. and they weren't just bad back in those days either.

 

[kellyg403]

As a mom with a dd with the ODD/ADD diagnosis..until you have been there the truth is I can't even explain to you the road, the frustrations, the times when you are barely living trying to figure out what to do. The other kids start to act out because you are focusing every moment of your attention on one. Truly and honestly, counceling and my daughter seeing a child psychiatrist were the only things that saved us. I learned that these types of children do not respond well to punishment, that consistency is the key, that saying what you mean, mean what you say and not saying it mean is the only way to go. Add in focus issues, self esteem issues, impulsiveness..I could go on and on and on.

I honestly am not a spanker. Grew up in a home with a spanker. Did I turn out o.k? I think I did. Just wanted something different in my home. Were there times I 'did' spank out of frustration..yes. I don't think the OP's children at their age should be anywhere near the level of disrespect they are at. This began way before the day this was posted. I don't blame the OP and know that frustration can make you do things you wouldn't normally do but I am not going to judge her on one moment in time.

OP, I still think if you start meaning what you say and stay consistent your children are well old enough to get the message. You will be doing a service to them because if you do not do something, your children will be out in the world someday. What boss is going to take it? How long will wives/husbands take it? You will be cleaning up messes forever if you don't decide what you need to do NOW. Whether it be taking away Christmas, start holding them to the rules, finding their currency. Whatever. Otherwise, this frustration will continue throughout their adult life and you, the parents, will out of guilt and frustration continue to aid them and they will never learn its not acceptable. Period. But, if that is what you want to do, again it will be your business.

Kelly

 

[threecrazykids]

Actually slapping a child breaks down their self esteem, btw. That is a terrible thing to do to a child. It not whether the slap hurts, its how it makes the child feel inside.

This comment is a true contribution as to why some (I'm not saying ALL) kids act the way they do. God forbid a kids self esteem be broken to teach a lesson. A little humiliation and humbleness never hurts ANYONE. It DOES hurt their pride and self esteem. However, kids who tell their parents to F off have entirely too MUCH self esteem to begin with. Because apparently it doesn't matter how that kid made someone ELSE feel by their actions in the first place? It's like saying that no matter how a child acts they should never be on the "hurt" end of a situation...I don't agree with that AT ALL.

 

[inkedupmomma]

This comment is a true contribution as to why some (I'm not saying ALL) kids act the way they do. God forbid a kids self esteem be broken to teach a lesson. A little humiliation and humbleness never hurts ANYONE. It DOES hurt their pride and self esteem. However, kids who tell their parents to F off have entirely too MUCH self esteem to begin with. Because apparently it doesn't matter how that kid made someone ELSE feel by their actions in the first place? It's like saying that no matter how a child acts they should never be on the "hurt" end of a situation...I don't agree with that AT ALL.

No, they NEVER should be physically hurt. There are MANY other ways to humble a child and make them have respect for you. Your comment is a true contribution to why people will never talk about their problems and resort to violence first. Great way to think, you hurt me, so I'm going to hurt you. Awesome.

 

[wdwfan16]

No, they NEVER should be physically hurt. There are MANY other ways to humble a child and make them have respect for you. Your comment is a true contribution to why people will never talk about their problems and resort to violence first. Great way to think, you hurt me, so I'm going to hurt you. Awesome.

ITA

If a kid does something wrong, that does need to be corrected, and is corrected in a violent way then how will the kid know that violence is not the correct action to take in other situations?