I need to vent/need some advice.

[JulielovesDisney]

Ok, so I've been having some real relationship issues. It's going to be long, so bear with me, or bail. It doesn't matter. My BFF is having a family party so I don't wanna bother her, and I can't really talk to my parents, which I will end up explaining why later on.

So. I've been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years now. We started off as best friends, then we eventually got together. My boyfriend is kind of a jokester. Which is ok, but sometimes he takes it too far. And I tell him, and we usually end up in some kinda of fight/disagreement because "I took the joke the wrong way" and "he shouldn't be joking about certain things." Etc. etc. But his joking has always been one of our biggest fight topics..if that makes sense...lol.

Another big fight starter is that he has A LOT of female friends. I'm not comfortable with it, because he used to call this one girl his best friend. Now they met waayyy before I was in the picture, so it was ok. But I didn't like her (jealousy) and it eventually came between us. I knew what I was doing was wrong, so I changed. An evil little monster in me still comes out whenever he talks to another girl, but I supress it now. Anywho, after some drama (caused by her now ex boyfriend) last year, my BF and her aren't as close.

So last night, he accidentally changed our relationship status on Facebook. Then he said that he's gonna keep it that way for two reasons. 1. Until I go visit him in like 2 weeks. 2. to see what everyone says about it, because mostly everything thinks we're eventually gonna get married...

Then today, he blatantly lied to me, as a joke, about something. He does this ALL THE TIME!! It's innocent, but it makes me think, what else is he lying about? I know that's just me being stupid and dramatic, but it's something that is hard for me to handle. I've asked him time and time again to stop with the lying/jokes, but it never happens. I've changed something about me that always starts bad fights with us, so why can't he?

Now, onto the other thing that has been bugging me. My parents don't like him (they think he is too immature and I deserve better. Plus he is Guatemalan, and they don't really like that either...). Honestly, they don't like my two sisters-in-law either, for various reasons, but they will come straight out and tell me to leave my boyfriend and they even try to hook me up with other guys. It's so rude. I've asked them to stop saying that, and they have for now, but that is now in the back of my head.

Alright, so that's about it. I just needed to get that off my chest. I'm so upset right now, I know if I talk to him, I'll just straight up end it. Which is something I do not want. But I just needed to vent. So thanks for those who stuck this thread out and read it all...haha. I bet it was difficult to follow. If anyone has any advice, I'd be grateful to hear it. An outsiders perspective is always nice sometimes.

 

[::Snow_White::]

I'm sorry Julie.

Is the whole joking thing starting to be a make or break thing? Have you told him that it's really affecting your relationship with him? Maybe he doesn't understand the seriousness of his joking.

About your parents, I wouldn't worry about them. I would take in consideration that they think he may be too immature, since you're having problems with his jokes, but I wouldn't pay attention to the fact they don't like that he's Guatemalan. I'm sure they're just looking out for you, and probably don't realize how they are coming off because of their feelings towards him.

Hope you get everything worked out!

 

[Babyjustrun]

I hate it when people lie for no reason.
My friend calls them casual lies, and it's annoying! She lied yesterday on the phone 'Mom, I gotta go, we just pulled in' when I was still like 5 minutes away from the place! Like, she could have just said 'Mom I have to go'. She doesn't really need to explain herself.
She's always pretending to be working, or having to do something with her family when she has plans with other people. If she just told me she already had plans, it'd be okay. She often forgets about those lies too, which is a big fail.

I wouldn't put up with that in a boyfriend myself, but yeah.

I'm sorry =/

 

[JulielovesDisney]

I'm sorry Julie.

Is the whole joking thing starting to be a make or break thing? Have you told him that it's really affecting your relationship with him? Maybe he doesn't understand the seriousness of his joking.

About your parents, I wouldn't worry about them. I would take in consideration that they think he may be too immature, since you're having problems with his jokes, but I wouldn't pay attention to the fact they don't like that he's Guatemalan. I'm sure they're just looking out for you, and probably don't realize how they are coming off because of their feelings towards him.

Hope you get everything worked out!

The thing is, I've told him over and over again that it's really affected the relationship for me. But it never gets resolved. It's just annoying...and it's really wearing me down.
And I know he is immature, I was the one that brought it up first when I was talking to my parents about him earlier in the relationship. I understand why they don't think he's right for me for that reason, but the rest of it is just..pathetic.

I hate it when people lie for no reason.
My friend calls them casual lies, and it's annoying! She lied yesterday on the phone 'Mom, I gotta go, we just pulled in' when I was still like 5 minutes away from the place! Like, she could have just said 'Mom I have to go'. She doesn't really need to explain herself.
She's always pretending to be working, or having to do something with her family when she has plans with other people. If she just told me she already had plans, it'd be okay. She often forgets about those lies too, which is a big fail.

I wouldn't put up with that in a boyfriend myself, but yeah.

I'm sorry =/

Thanks. It's something i've definitely be taking into consideration. I don't think i can take it much more either..haha

 

[chisnpeke]

I remember when you two got together and when you were talking about him when you guys were best friends. I'm sorry this is happening. I'm having relationship problems too (lots of fights, mainly caused by me). I guess what you have to do is tell him that the lying, even jokingly, is really bothering you and that it might be a make or break deal. See his reaction to that. The thing that I think you really have to decide though is if the relationship is worth it to you. I think mine is so I'm trying to change how I am. You have changed though so it seems as if it's all up to him. If he can't change, does he view the relationship as worth it?

 

[chisnpeke]

Reading your reply, I would just flat out tell him that if he doesn't stop you are going to cut it off. And if he does it again, break up. Maybe that will snap him into reality. Sorry I don't have the best advice, I'm not very good at this stuff.

 

[JulielovesDisney]

I remember when you two got together and when you were talking about him when you guys were best friends. I'm sorry this is happening. I'm having relationship problems too (lots of fights, mainly caused by me). I guess what you have to do is tell him that the lying, even jokingly, is really bothering you and that it might be a make or break deal. See his reaction to that. The thing that I think you really have to decide though is if the relationship is worth it to you. I think mine is so I'm trying to change how I am. You have changed though so it seems as if it's all up to him. If he can't change, does he view the relationship as worth it?

Reading your reply, I would just flat out tell him that if he doesn't stop you are going to cut it off. And if he does it again, break up. Maybe that will snap him into reality. Sorry I don't have the best advice, I'm not very good at this stuff.

Haha yeah, I'm no good at this either.

I can honestly say that even a few months ago, I could easily see me spending the rest of my life with him. But then, idk..things just changed. Mostly because we started fighting a lot, due to the previously mentioned things.

The next time I talk to him (due to work schedules, it's hard for us to talk, which doesn't help this situation at all...), I'm going to basically give him an ultimatum. Either the lying/joking thing stops, or I'm leaving and never looking back. We've talked about serious stuff before, like the future, and I know he doesn't want to lose me. And I don't want to lose him either. So hopefully I'll put him straight..lol. I'm just so exhausted with all of this.

 

[DramaQueen]

Julie I'm so sorry that you guys are having problems It's definitely tough when there is one thing that causes a lot of tension in a relationship...like his joking around. My sister & her BF have a lot of issues and they fight all the time, she has a very short temper, and he is inconsiderate, so they are not a good match, it's hard for me to stand idly by and watch my sister waste her time with someone that i know is not good for her -- and maybe that's how your sister in laws feel? But obviously it's your decision and you know what it best for you!!

As for his joking around becoming a big issue, it sucks when that's an issue because it's very hard to have a serious talk with someone like that. I hope he can realize that there are inappropriate times to joke / things to joke about!!

And as for his lots of girl friends...jealously is a tough thing to get over. My BF has a lot of girl friends, but i also have a lot of guy friends, one of my best friends is a guy...so when he hangs around with his girl friends i have to think to myself....'what am i like when im with my guy friends' and just assume he is the same way with his friends (and by that i mean not flirty or being attracted to them or anything).

I really hope everything works out for the best for you no matter what! I hope you guys get a chance to talk and really work things out. If you can, try and have a talk with him about his taking jokes too far and how it can hurt/frustrate/anger you, and maaaayyybe then he'll get it?? (boys can be rather thick though ) Hugs girly and i hope you feel better

(and sorry for my complete lack of consistency with capitalizing things lol i am tired & lazy)

 

[::Snow_White::]

The thing is, I've told him over and over again that it's really affected the relationship for me. But it never gets resolved. It's just annoying...and it's really wearing me down.
And I know he is immature, I was the one that brought it up first when I was talking to my parents about him earlier in the relationship. I understand why they don't think he's right for me for that reason, but the rest of it is just..pathetic.

Ah, I see.
Well, I really hope everything works out for you!

 

[JulielovesDisney]

Julie I'm so sorry that you guys are having problems It's definitely tough when there is one thing that causes a lot of tension in a relationship...like his joking around. My sister & her BF have a lot of issues and they fight all the time, she has a very short temper, and he is inconsiderate, so they are not a good match, it's hard for me to stand idly by and watch my sister waste her time with someone that i know is not good for her -- and maybe that's how your sister in laws feel? But obviously it's your decision and you know what it best for you!!

As for his joking around becoming a big issue, it sucks when that's an issue because it's very hard to have a serious talk with someone like that. I hope he can realize that there are inappropriate times to joke / things to joke about!!

And as for his lots of girl friends...jealously is a tough thing to get over. My BF has a lot of girl friends, but i also have a lot of guy friends, one of my best friends is a guy...so when he hangs around with his girl friends i have to think to myself....'what am i like when im with my guy friends' and just assume he is the same way with his friends (and by that i mean not flirty or being attracted to them or anything).

I really hope everything works out for the best for you no matter what! I hope you guys get a chance to talk and really work things out. If you can, try and have a talk with him about his taking jokes too far and how it can hurt/frustrate/anger you, and maaaayyybe then he'll get it?? (boys can be rather thick though ) Hugs girly and i hope you feel better

(and sorry for my complete lack of consistency with capitalizing things lol i am tired & lazy)

Thanks Caitlin =)

I just talked to him for a little bit on the phone. We didn't talk long because he was in bed and he has to get up at 5am for work. But things were ok. He sincerely apologized about the joking thing. We're gonna talk about it sometime tomorrow after he's done work and hash it out. I think it'll be better that way because I'll be fully cooled off and I won't say things I don't mean (which happens when I'm angry..lol) It's looking up...for now.

I know this whole long-distance relationship isn't helping the situation either. We live 2 hours away from eachother when we're not at school, and it's really, really hard to find time to talk because our schedules are so opposite. He works early in the morning, I work at night. That equates out to barely talking besides the occasional text. That takes a big enough toll on the relationship without our issues.

Ah, I see.
Well, I really hope everything works out for you!

Thanks =)

 

[OceanAnnie]

I'm sorry. It sounds so frustrating.

The changing facebook status is a sticking point along with the lying, to me. Those were lame reasons and I wouldn't buy it. If you are having a number of issues with this guy, why stick with the relationship? There are other fish in the sea that won't mistreat you. That's what it is, mistreating. Why put up with it?

It sounds like he is a yo-yo. Nice and then the inappropriate joking, lying, game playing (?/facebook). Reeling you in and pushing you away. That would get old quick. If this is his behavior you are wasting your time with him. He won't change. He might think it's charming because he has a lot of women friends and these behaviors might be cute to some. (Not the sane ones.)

What your parents think doesn't even factor in at this point. He's doing himself in all by himself with his behaviors.

 

[life of the party]

I remember your thread asking for advice about him awhile ago.. except back then you were talking about how you think you have a crush on your best friend!

anyway, it's not fair that you have changed the things that bother him but he can't change anything for you. It's totally unbalanced and hea juat being a jerk. honestly, if it's been a year and a half and he can't change one thing about himself for you... it doesn't seem like he's very serious about the relationship.

I'm sorry that you're having relationship troubles! PM me any time!

fun fact: I was in wildwood the other day and thought of you haha

 

[AmandaSparks730]

I'm sorry, Julie. And just the other day you posted on Facebook how happy you were to finally be seeing him!

I'm always here to talk. I'm sorry that I don't know what to tell you :-/

 

[JulielovesDisney]

I'm sorry. It sounds so frustrating.

The changing facebook status is a sticking point along with the lying, to me. Those were lame reasons and I wouldn't buy it. If you are having a number of issues with this guy, why stick with the relationship? There are other fish in the sea that won't mistreat you. That's what it is, mistreating. Why put up with it?

It sounds like he is a yo-yo. Nice and then the inappropriate joking, lying, game playing (?/facebook). Reeling you in and pushing you away. That would get old quick. If this is his behavior you are wasting your time with him. He won't change. He might think it's charming because he has a lot of women friends and these behaviors might be cute to some. (Not the sane ones.)

What your parents think doesn't even factor in at this point. He's doing himself in all by himself with his behaviors.

Thanks, it is very frustrating.

We do have a few issues, but doesn't every relationship? And I'm sticking with him because I do love him. And he's my best friend. I'm willing to work through the issues we have so we can come out stronger, for however long we are together. Whether is be a few more days, or a few more years, or even a lifetime...

While he may be mistreating me, it could be MUCH worse. He would never, ever hurt me, physically or emotionally. There's a lot of his past that he has shared with me when he was still in Guatemala (he was adopted at age 8) that is absolutely horrifing and repulsive. I don't want to reveal it to a bunch of strangers (no offence guys ) and after everything he went through, he would never lay a finger on me out of anger or frustration or anything like that, unlike what other men do. And that is just his personality. He is a jokester. I knew that from day 1 with him, long before I had feelings for him. He just wants to make everyone happy and laugh. It's just that sometimes, I think he forgets I'm his girlfriend and not one of his guy friends when he makes me a butt of his joke, or lies just to tease me. It's that fact that is driving me nuts.

I feel bad because now I'm making him out to be a horrible boyfriend because I'm only venting about bad stuff..lol. Now that I'm cooled down, I feel even worse..

Once we talk tomorrow after he works, I'm gonna lay it all out on the table and tell him that either the jokes stop, or I'm gone. Because that's the way I feel. No matter how much I don't want to leave him and how much it will really kill me, it needs to be done, because like OceanAnnie said, there may be a better guy out there for me. But hopefully he'll realize how serious I am finally, 'cause I'd really like to keep him for a while...

 

[JulielovesDisney]

I remember your thread asking for advice about him awhile ago.. except back then you were talking about how you think you have a crush on your best friend!

anyway, it's not fair that you have changed the things that bother him but he can't change anything for you. It's totally unbalanced and hea juat being a jerk. honestly, if it's been a year and a half and he can't change one thing about himself for you... it doesn't seem like he's very serious about the relationship.

I'm sorry that you're having relationship troubles! PM me any time!

fun fact: I was in wildwood the other day and thought of you haha

Haha..wow..that was such a long time ago..
I mean, he has done stuff for the relationship. He used to smoke, but I had a huge problem with it. I never asked him to quit, but he did it on his own because he didn't wanna mess up the relationship. But it's just this one thing that is killing me. I just can't stand it anymore. ugh.

And aww..wildwood. Love of my life..haha =) I was just down last weekend!

I'm sorry, Julie. And just the other day you posted on Facebook how happy you were to finally be seeing him!

I'm always here to talk. I'm sorry that I don't know what to tell you :-/

I know, and I truly was happy to see him. And I can't wait to see him again too. Well..if it turns out okay that is..haha.
And thanks for being there Meg

 

[KidGoofy]

You guys just need to talk. No fighting...just a nice sit down and no raising of voices.

And you have my number if you need more help. See im very good at preaching but not so good at the practice.

 

[life of the party]

OT: were you on the boardwalk saturday night?!?!?!

 

[JulielovesDisney]

You guys just need to talk. No fighting...just a nice sit down and no raising of voices.

And you have my number if you need more help. See im very good at preaching but not so good at the practice.

Yes, that is exactly what we need. It'll just have to work over the phone and not a face-to-face convo..lol
And thanks Tom..you're a great friend!

OT: were you on the boardwalk saturday night?!?!?!

Kinda..I was only down for the day and i left between 7:30 to 8.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Thanks, it is very frustrating.

We do have a few issues, but doesn't every relationship? And I'm sticking with him because I do love him. And he's my best friend. I'm willing to work through the issues we have so we can come out stronger, for however long we are together. Whether is be a few more days, or a few more years, or even a lifetime...

While he may be mistreating me, it could be MUCH worse. He would never, ever hurt me, physically or emotionally. There's a lot of his past that he has shared with me when he was still in Guatemala (he was adopted at age 8) that is absolutely horrifing and repulsive. I don't want to reveal it to a bunch of strangers (no offence guys ) and after everything he went through, he would never lay a finger on me out of anger or frustration or anything like that, unlike what other men do. And that is just his personality. He is a jokester. I knew that from day 1 with him, long before I had feelings for him. He just wants to make everyone happy and laugh. It's just that sometimes, I think he forgets I'm his girlfriend and not one of his guy friends when he makes me a butt of his joke, or lies just to tease me. It's that fact that is driving me nuts.

I feel bad because now I'm making him out to be a horrible boyfriend because I'm only venting about bad stuff..lol. Now that I'm cooled down, I feel even worse..

Once we talk tomorrow after he works, I'm gonna lay it all out on the table and tell him that either the jokes stop, or I'm gone. Because that's the way I feel. No matter how much I don't want to leave him and how much it will really kill me, it needs to be done, because like OceanAnnie said, there may be a better guy out there for me. But hopefully he'll realize how serious I am finally, 'cause I'd really like to keep him for a while...

Yes, every relationship does have issues at times, they get worked out if it's a good relationship. When issues crop up over time, it shouldn't be the ones that have already been ironed out. That should be covered ground. If the same issues keep coming up, it's red flag time.

I know what it's like to love someone, know their history, and to have a shared history for years. It's complicated. You like him. You love him. You want it to work. Maybe it will. Maybe it won't. I wasted a lot of time on a guy that I thought was great except for a few things. Years. He didn't change. He wasn't awful. There were some things about him I couldn't live with. I hung in there. I finally saw the situation for what it was. Looking back it took way too long.

I did find a great guy. No exceptions. I know you want that too.

ETA- I know "wasted" sounds bad. We had a lot of good times. But we were spinning our wheels so to speak. Not going anywhere.

 

[KidGoofy]

Yes, that is exactly what we need. It'll just have to work over the phone and not a face-to-face convo..lol
And thanks Tom..you're a great friend!



Kinda..I was only down for the day and i left between 7:30 to 8.

no problem bud