I need to let it out.....

[arminnie]

This woman judged us by our skin complexion. She assumed we couldn't be mother and daughter.

My maternal grandfather was mostly American Indian. My mother and her six sisters were all dark with dark hair and eyes. Virtually all of my cousins are also like that.

When I was a child I was very, very fair with white blonde hair and very blue eyes. I am sure my mother went through this a lot, but I honestly don't remember it. I just remember that all of my relatives looked alike (you could spot cousins a mile away) except for me and my sister. It didn't bother me though. My adopted cousins looked more like the family that I did.

Your daughter is fortunate to have a beautiful skin tone that most people spend ages trying to achieve.

 

[Poohgirl]

Im sorry you had to go through that. I understand how comments like that can be hurtful. I have encountered the same "problem" a few times. I have two boys a year apart, same mother (me) and father (my ex). I am Sicilian, American Indian, French, and German/Irish. My ex is Greek. I have Brown/Auburn hair and light/med skin tone, My ex brown hair light skin.

Our children look nothing alike, each look like one of us but not like each other. The oldest has red hair fair skin (obviously got the german/irish) and the youngest black hair, dark skin (yep he got the Sicilian/Greek/American Indian) I have had people ask me if they have two different fathers several times (very uncomfortable, especially when the ex and I were still married! ) People have even asked the boys if they were adopted!

I used to get so upset when they were younger. Some people are just rude to even ask!

 

[Crankyshank]

I would personally just let it roll off your back. People say weird things to strangers and honestly what she said was rude but it wasn't derrogatory.

My Mother is half French and half Italian with pale skin and freckles she inherited from her French father. My Grandmother is northern Italian and has dark hair and eyes and very fair skin.

My Father is half French, 1/4 Swedish, and 1/4 Irish with dark hair, blue eyes, and olive skin. The Olive skin he actually gets from the Swedish side of the family. I inherited the dark hair, dark eyes, and olive skin. When I was born my Father got turned away from the nursery because they didn't think he was my Father - they thought I was Puerto Rican. I'm the only one of my 2 siblings that has olive skin and wasn't blonde. I got comments all of the time when I was with my Mother and siblings because I didn't look like them at all. People often thought I was the babysitter I still get asked my heritage and when I tell them they automatically assume my coloring if from the Italian side. Nope not at all. It really doesn't bother me. I just take it as being very fortunate to have great skin.

I went for a facial 2 wks ago and the woman doing the treatment said to thank whichever parent I got my skin from because it's the skin of someone 10yrs younger and I am very fortunate. Any lingering resentment of the rudeness I received growing up about looking different was totally eradicated with those words.

 

[BeNJeNWaFFLe]

Some people can be so rude can't they? I just ignore them. I usually can't be bothered with their stupidity.

No one in my family looks anything alike. We all have different complexions, hair color, and eye color. My dad has dark brown hair and brown eyes. My mom has light brown hair and blue-grey eyes. Somehow I was born with red hair blue eyes and my brother with blond hair blue eyes. What is funny though is that my aunt has red hair like me and we look similar. There is no blood relation though. Her daughter looks like my mom. So when her family and mine used to go out together people always assumed my aunt was my mother, and my mom was my cousins mother. Now that I've gotten older I look more like my mom. Which I can't complain, she looks very young for her age.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Some people are just tacky and some people mean no harm, but just phrase things the wrong way. I love to look at what I assume are the parents and look at the beautiful combinations that are the children, but I have learned not to comment on them or if I do, I am very vague and complimentary.

One time, many years ago, I asked the stupid question of someone who had a red haired DD. I asked her where the girl got her red hair and she informed me (and was not happy about it) that the girl was adopted. I wanted to crawl under a rock, but I did learn my lesson. I went on to have a DD with reddish hair (strawberry blonde) and have gotten that same question many times before. For the first 5 or so years, my answer was always, "the mailman", until my DD got old enough to ask me what I meant by that.

My DD is now 18yo and I still get the question and I take it as a compliment. I've had people argue that my boys aren't related to her since they all have brown hair. Um, last time I checked they all have the same parents. I've had people argue that two of my boys look just alike (when they were younger), especially their eyes, and then I point out that one has blue eyes and one has brown eyes. Amazing how someone else can be quite the expert on your offspring.

Chances are this lady was admiring your daughter, but wasn't phrasing it well. I am very light skinned and have always wished that I had skin that would tan. All of my kids have light skin, but two of them do tan somewhat when out in the summer sun (two are like me, though).

 

[RickinNYC]

I'm not sure that the woman meant any harm, although her ignorance and callous behavior certainly revealed that she is/was a complete idiot. I'd just let it slide off your back and understand that there are some folks out there who don't have an edit button in their brains before they open their mouths.

We went through this growing up. My Dad is Scottish/Irish and Mom is Japanese. My brothers and I all have varying levels of asian features, but it's pretty clear that my father's genes were the dominant ones in the mix. I am 6'4" and have green eyes. Mom is 5" tall and has classic, beautiful Japanese features. Frankly, you should see her when she introduces me to her friends. She loves the fact that I'm twice her size and tower over her. My partner thinks its hysterical to see us both in public, me holding her purse shamefaced as she pokes around Bloomies or Macy's, following her like a puppy, muttering, "Yes Mom..."

When I was little, my hair was much, much lighter in color and my eyes were a light, light green. I distinctly remember my Mom being mistaken for our maid, our nanny and more. It irritated her but she took it in stride. No one is worse for the wear for stupid assumptions.

 

[Nancyg56]

Chances are this lady was admiring your daughter, but wasn't phrasing it well.

I would agree with this. I am Irish and french. My husband was french and polish. I am fair while his complection was very dark. My DS is blond with blue eyes, and the two younger have dark hair, black eyes and dark skin. Add summer tans into the mix and the comments were nuts!

I always let the comment go unanswered or commented on how jealous I was that I burn in the sun, and they just got even more beautiful. As the kids got older, they were amused. Not everyone manages to compliment well, so we always let it go.

 

[KirstenB]

Okay, I'll admit I'm very clueless. But I'm not sure why you're upset. I'm not trying to be mean, I truly don't understand. It sounds like the lady thought your daughter was very pretty. Neither of our dd's look like me. Their daddy is very tanned, and they take after him (thank goodness). Folks comment all the time on how tanned they are, and how pale I am. And it truly doesn't bother me at all.

I'm grateful they'll always tan. They're prettier than me, which is great too. I guess it never occurred to me that anyone wouldn't think they were our daughters. But if they did, so what? It's a perfect stranger.

 

[Daxx]

(bold emphasis mine)
I know you weren't meaning anything by it but I think it's ironic that in a statement about how people can be rude, something you wrote could be perceived as rude to others. I think a lot of it depends on context and intent. I know you were trying to illustrate a point and not intending to offend anyone but as an adoptive parent, it's disheartning to hear this kind of comment.

As a caucasian mother of 2 children of african descent, I'm always asked if they are mine. Of course they are mine! Just because my children are adopted, it doesn't make them any less "mine".

Thank you from another adoptive mom!

DS is adopted and biracial (3/4 caucasian, 1/4 african american), according to adoption papers. He looks like me a bit -- same hazel eye color, same brown hair color but w/a rich bronzy skin tone. When he's w/me, most people say "You must've gotten those curls from your Dad!" When he's w/DH, he is told "You must look like your mom!" b/c DH has blue eyes and blonde hair. When we're together, we get "Where'd he get the curly hair from?" since Daxx and I have poker straight hair. DH loves to say "Well, I did notice that our mailman has curly hair ......." and walk away. Of course, I simply tell people that curls run in the family (DH's mom had wavy/curly hair).

I am sure that Stacerita meant no harm ... but it is disheartening to hear people saying that "no, the child isn't adopted, she's mine". My adopted child is mine just as much as your bio-child is yours.

 

[mommy22gurlz]

My dh is mexican and I am total white girl....so my two girls as you can see in their pic below have a gorgeous tan, especially in the summer. We can go to the beach early summer and they have a dark tan that last all summer! Where I have to go to a tanning salon and wait three weeks before even noticing a difference! Everyone's different that what makes the world go round!

 

[LiteBrite]

In the mothers looking different from their biological children vein: I am extremely fair skinned with very curly red hair. I am incapable of tanning (I was a teenager living in a Florida beach town in the 1970s, believe me, I tried!). My DD, however, has straight blonde hair and tans very easily, just like her father. No one ever doubts that we're related, however, because even though her facial features are much more like her father's, her expressions, mannerisms, and voice are all almost identical to mine.

In the stupid things people say sometimes vein: Years ago, when DD was about 6, we were talking to someone we knew from church. This lady knew us, and knew our daughter somehow, but didn't know we were her parents. When she finally made the connection, the thing that came out of her mouth was, "Oh, you're Molly's parents. I would never have thought she belonged to you guys - she's so smart!"

 

[CindyBella]

Okay, I'll admit I'm very clueless. But I'm not sure why you're upset. I'm not trying to be mean, I truly don't understand. It sounds like the lady thought your daughter was very pretty. Neither of our dd's look like me. Their daddy is very tanned, and they take after him (thank goodness). Folks comment all the time on how tanned they are, and how pale I am. And it truly doesn't bother me at all.

I'm grateful they'll always tan. They're prettier than me, which is great too. I guess it never occurred to me that anyone wouldn't think they were our daughters. But if they did, so what? It's a perfect stranger.

Since the salon worker was clear across the room working on another customer while inquiring about my gorgeous daughter... it got to me. The entire salon was watching. It was none of her business. I think it was pretty clear that it was rude to say ,"NO YOU ARE NOT" when I told her I was Hispanic too. I do not like lots of attention. Hey, people tell me we are a beautiful family all of the time. I just could not figure this woman out. I let it get to me. I shouldn't have. I just wanted to let it out with you guys. Thanks for listening.

 

[Snoopymom]

I understand how infuriating it is. My adopted son is Hispanic and I'm a pasty white Irish girl.

I've gotten, "wow, he must look like his Dad", "does he speak Spanish?" and even "you should be ashamed of yourself" from a snobby lady in a Chili's who wouldn't stop staring.

I have come up with some funny comebacks. Like, "hmm, well at least he has my good manners, I'm not sure who his Dad is, and he speaks perfect English, maybe you should learn.

Fortunately, since he's older now people aren't as vocal and when they are, I make sure to say something, so that ds doesn't think that people are allowed to be rude and hurt you.

I've also gotten a thousand compliments like "his eyes are gorgeous, what a wonderful family, how lucky for you all" so life's good

Try not to let it haunt you, hugs!

 

[RealMickeysGirl]

I have only read the first page of posts but still wanted to add something.

As a child, I had very blonde hair, blue eyes and pale skin that could tan very darkly - so in the summer I was very blonde, blue eyed, dark tan.
My mother has olive skin, dark brown hair, eyes so dark you can't see the pupils and my dad is part Cherokee so he tans a great indian red, has black hair and brownish hazel eyes. Of course, now they have both grayed and their eye and skin color has faded as we all do with age.

I didn't look like either of them (both of my grandmothers were little blonde, blue eyed, ladies of irish and scottish families). When I was about 5 or 6, I learned what adoption was and I would search my mother's dresser for my adoption papers.

I wasn't adopted - I just looked different. I really don't know what made me think I was adopted but I got over it fairly quickly - and when I was 11 my brother came along and he looks just like me!

The point I am trying to make - and I don't know if it is coming across or not - is that people in a family can look very different. The important thing for your daughter to know is that you love her - that is important for all children to know.

Doesn't matter to me if your child grew in your belly or not - when people have children or adopt children, they are YOUR children. Maybe it is because I looked so different from my parents but I would never even think of asking someone if the child with them is their's or not. Even if they look a different race, I have mixed race relatives so I know that looking a different race doesn't mean they aren't part of your family.

This has gone on longer than I intended - sorry.

Just let your daughter know that she is beautiful and that you love her very much and she will be fine.

 

[CindyBella]

Thanks friends. I love reading your posts.

 

[tinaluis]

My DH takes offense when people stare at us too. I just laugh it off. He's Mexican (but is often mistaken for Italian) and I'm Caucasian (blonde hair and blue eyes) and we have 3 daughters. The first is blonde haired and blue eyed with fair skin (glowing tan in the summer); our middle daughter has light brown hair, light brown eyes and has a slightly darker skin tone all year round; our third daughter has a year round tan, black hair and very dark brown eyes. I was almost tempted to have a 4th child to see if he/she would have come out even darker or maybe lighter?? Many people stare and most assume that we're a blended family. If they ask, I'm happy to tell them that they're all our biological children together. DH, OTOH, gets pretty upset when people ask. I think it's just natural to be curious when you see such diverse looks in one family. One thing I stress to all of my kids, is that they should be proud of their American and Mexican heritage. They are all very beautiful, no matter what their skin tone, hair or eye color.

 

[CindyBella]

I do have to say that I get soooo excited when I see women like Eva Longoria, Jessica Alba and Beyonce getting as much attention as say Jessica Simpson.

I read once that Eva Longoria's sisters used to call her an ugly duckling because she was dark while all of her sisters were fair. Look at her now!

I am happy that for my daughters sake, when you turn on the tv or open a magazine, you see so much more diversity now than a few years ago. Even though I am only 20-10 (30 ) I remember when only blondes with blue eyes were on tv and print.

 

[KirstenB]

Cindy Bella, I told you I was clueless! After your last remark about Eva Longoria, I'm slowly getting it. I've always thought "brown" people were so beautiful. As a child, I envied my Italian and Hispanic friends. So it would literally never occur to me that other people would think otherwise. Which is why I'm so grateful our dd's take after dh. I thought his olive skin was so gorgeous when we were in high school.

The only silly thing that's ever happened to him based on his looks is occasionally folks will walk up to him and start speaking to him in a different language. He only knows English, so he just smiles and shrugs at them.

P.S. Look how dark even Jessica Simpson is. you see her as an example of someone who looks different than the other stars you cited. I, on the other hand, see her as very similar. She is very dark and has brown eyes.

Anyway, your daughter sounds beautiful!

 

[DizBelle]

Okay, I'll admit I'm very clueless. But I'm not sure why you're upset. I'm not trying to be mean, I truly don't understand. It sounds like the lady thought your daughter was very pretty. Neither of our dd's look like me. Their daddy is very tanned, and they take after him (thank goodness). Folks comment all the time on how tanned they are, and how pale I am. And it truly doesn't bother me at all.

I'm grateful they'll always tan. They're prettier than me, which is great too. I guess it never occurred to me that anyone wouldn't think they were our daughters. But if they did, so what? It's a perfect stranger.

I was beginning to think that I was the only one that didn't understand what made the OP so upset. This woman at the nail salon was remarking on the differences between mother and daughter. Why is that upsetting? Biology is a wonderous thing and you never know what it is going to turn out. The OP herself says that most people think that she is caucasion yet she got upset some someone found it interesting that she had spanish/mexican in her because it didn't appear so. This didn't have anything to do with specific race. It had to do with differences in appearance between a mother and her child. I think the OP WAY over reacted.

 

[grlpwrd]

I don't get why people are posting to let it roll off your back and let it go or that she overreacted. It can sting or just make you feel awkward, but I guess you have to know how it feels. It's more than just a tanning issue or a difference-between-mom-and-daughter issue. In the OP's case...you just don't say that sort of stuff, especially in front of an impressionable child, kwim?

I am multiracial: Chinese, Hawaiian, Caucasian, and Portuguese. My dh is blond with blue eyes. Our kids all look more like me and we get weird comments, too. Like the times my dh will take my kids in with him to the local Asian grocery store he gets asked "are they your's?" Or the times my oldest dd's friends ask "is he your step-dad?"

I even had a weird experience at the salon where the stylists were gossiping about Asian women at another salon and seemed racist. They must not have realized I am part-Asian, too. I don't go there anymore. What is up with some people? Grrr!