I need some "life" advice

[phlufster]

OK, here is the situation...
I am getting married in one month ( ) and my DH2B and I want to start a family right away (I feel that I am getting old) I am currently working at a job where we are only open monday through Saturday and I have a second job that is a bartending job where I basically just pick up shifts when I can. In fall next year my first job is going to be opening on sundays, which is my only full day to spend with my DH2B. So I will have to work 7 days a week!!

We are also living in my parents basement right now (we moved here from another state a few months agao)! It is a nice basement and is like an apartment, but still... We are trying to find a place of our own, but the town we live in doesn't have much to offer!

I don't want to work 2 jobs and I don't want to have to work 7 days a week. I want to start doing at-home child care and my DH2B is behind my 100%, but I am just caught up with the timing. I don't want to get a bunch of kids that I am taking care of and then have to take off for a week or two when I have my baby, and what if there are complications and I have to go on bed rest or something, then what! I guess I may be overanalizing a bit, but I just feel like I need to make a decision on what I am going to do soon and start working towards it and I really am having a hard time deciding! I feel like I am going to make the wrong choice and really screw things up for myself! I am so stressed out about all this! I should just be focusing on our upcoming Disney wedding, but I just feel like this job situation is bringing me down.

Thanks for letting me vent a bit!
Jocelyn

 

[Christine]

I certainly don't have the answers, but I do think your concerns are valid and I think that it's great that you are responsible enough to think things through like this.

It probably isn't the best idea to start an in-home daycare when you think you might get pregnant. Pregnancy can be tough and take a lot out of you and having a lot of young kids can wear you out. Plus you never know what could happen. Then again, many pregancies are so easy that it might not be a big deal. But, it is really rough on parents and the kids if, 6 months into their care, you abruptly have to stop. Very difficult.

Again, not sure what I would do. Probably I wouldn't do it but I am very cautious by nature.

 

[coliebird]

I understand your concerns. I have a 3 year old and I work full time. I am due in January with my 2nd and I don't want to work full time anymore. I want to stay home so I recently got into the home party business. I am a Lia Sophia advisor (they sell beautiful jewelry). Have you thought about doing something like that? My goal is to have 2 parties a week. It doesn't take up much time and I get 30% of the sales.

Good luck to you. I think it's great that you are planning ahead.

 

[jbdreamer]

I am probaly going to get yelled at for this one but...

I personally don't think you should start thinking about having kids until you are finacially stable. Having to work two jobs while living in your parnets basment is not fair to your child, your parents, or you. You and your (future) husband need to get your own place, save up some money, and get use to being married before starting a family.

And your only 28. That's not old!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Starting a family right away when you live in your parents basement and work 7 days a week plus another job sounds like too much on your plate.

I suppose it is better to get to a place where your dh2b can support you in case unexpected things happen.

I was on bedrest and then had a sick child and couldn't work. So any "plans" we had were thrown out the window and we had to regroup.

My advice is to focus on the wedding and enjoy your moments!!!! Family planning can came later.

 

[Sandy V.]

I am probaly going to get yelled at for this one but...

I personally don't think you should start thinking about having kids until you are finacially stable. Having to work two jobs while living in your parnets basment is not fair to your child, your parents, or you. You and your (future) husband need to get your own place, save up some money, and get use to being married before starting a family.

And your only 28. That's not old!

I happen to agree. If you "have" to work at this point, and it clearly sounds like you do, waiting is the best option. One step at a time - enjoy your wedding planning, the wedding itself, and being together as a COUPLE first. No matter how well you know each other beforehand, actually getting married does change things (in my opinion).

Kids are wonderful, but they are physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially depleting as infants.

Congrats on your upcoming wedding!!

 

[Breezy_Carol]

I was 31 and owned my own home when I got married but we still decided to wait at least 6 months before starting a family. Marriage was a big adjustment for me and I had to get used to one thing at a time.

I agree with the advice of waiting until you are more financially stable before starting a family.

And I do agree with your thoughts that starting at home daycare and then taking time off for an infant would be tough on the moms who used you. Maybe you could quit your job at the end of your preganancy then start daycare a few months later.

 

[jedi_librarian]

I think you should take one goal at a time. You sound like you have a lot of things to think through, and I think one at a time. I agree with the above post that you should hold off on kids - at least until you figure out the job situation. That sounds like a major obstacle.

At 28, you're not too old for kids!! But I know what you mean. I'm 29 and have been married for 6 years and still no kids. Sometimes I start to freak out, but then I realize we're not at that stage yet. We have our other goals that we're working on - I finished my masters degree, so that's done. We both have stable jobs, so that's another one. Now we're working on the financial stuff.

One at a time. And with a wedding coming up, you need to focus on that. I'm sending you hugs and pixie dist!

 

[C.Ann]

I agree with the others.. Finding a place to live on your own, figuring out finances that don't require you to work 2 jobs 7 days a week, etc., all need to come first - before the baby..

Enjoy your wedding and then take the necessary steps from there..

 

[Crankyshank]

I agree with the others. Bringing a child into a new marriage when you're not even financially solvent enough to have your own place without working all of those hours is not a good idea. It's going to be a strain on your mental and physical health as well as your marriage.

28 is not too old. I have been married for 7yrs and will be 31 in December and don't plan on having children for another 3yrs due to the fact that DH and I want to be on better fiancial footing and I want to finish my degree first.

 

[zalansky]

I am probaly going to get yelled at for this one but...

I personally don't think you should start thinking about having kids until you are finacially stable. Having to work two jobs while living in your parnets basment is not fair to your child, your parents, or you. You and your (future) husband need to get your own place, save up some money, and get use to being married before starting a family.

And your only 28. That's not old!

Ditto, and ditto on your are not old. I had my first child at 34 years of age and am happy about that. I also thik you shouldn't plan on taking in other people's kids as a sitter until you see how you handle motherhood. It isn't the easiest job in the world!!! Good luck and congrats on your upcoming wedding....

 

[pkasbohm]

I do home day care myself and i have to say it is alot of work! If you get licensed they there are certian things you have to meet. Like, to you have more than 1 exit in the basement you are living in? Do you have wired in fire dectectors? I know this varies from state to state but those are some things you need to look into also.

I did daycare when i was pregnant with my first ds and it wasn't to hard for me but i did have to have an emergency c-section and was off for 2 months instead of the 4 weeks i had planned. You never know when it comes to pregnancy...everyone of them is different!

If you have any questions about daycare or starting a daycare you can pm me and i will try to help you if i can.

 

[disneygals]

echoing the others...you are NOT too old to wait. I got married at 29 and I noticed that I had a little 1950's fantasy in my head that I would accidentally get pregnant and get to quit my job!!

Well, clearer heads prevailed and we waited til I was 31 to get pregnant, went part-time for 3 years and then ONLY because my dh switched to a sales job was I finally able to quit.

Some other thoughts...my dh and I fought more in the 1st year after my dd was born than we did or have in the 7 yrs before and 12 years after that year. Give yourselves time to get to know each other better, make a home etc. My friend and I also looked into home daycare and it's a lot more than "just a bunch of kids". I used to babysit and thought I knew it all. Once I had kids, I realized that watching someone else's was a HUGE responsibility.

 

[Saphire]

Please read the good advice here and take it to heart. You do NOT need to be in a rush to have children. There is nothing wrong with waiting a few years. During that time, you can get to know your husband and establish a solid marriage, work all you want while saving money, think about your work goals for the future and how you will proceed with those plans, and be a little carefree for just a few years more. It just sounds like you are trying to pack everything in at once. There is a time for everything...this is your time to get married and be a newlywed...enjoy this special time without adding all the resposibilities of having a baby right away.

 

[Christine]

Okay, I've read the OP 3 times now. Where does she say she's 28? Am I losing it?

 

[jedi_librarian]

Okay, I've read the OP 3 times now. Where does she say she's 28? Am I losing it?

You're right! She doesn't! I just took that from the poster above me. Oops. Maybe it's the DH2B and the 2B looks like "28"..

My apologies, phlufster....

 

[Missy1961]

Okay, I've read the OP 3 times now. Where does she say she's 28? Am I losing it?

They must have checked her profile, because you're right, she doesn't say it in her post.

 

[jbdreamer]

Okay, I've read the OP 3 times now. Where does she say she's 28? Am I losing it?

I am almost positive it said 28 before! Did OP edit it? Anyways, I just looked at her profile, born in 77'. So she is 28 - I'm not crazy - I think.

 

[vacanut]

SHe edited her post.

 

[grlpwrd]

I am probaly going to get yelled at for this one but...

I personally don't think you should start thinking about having kids until you are finacially stable. Having to work two jobs while living in your parnets basment is not fair to your child, your parents, or you. You and your (future) husband need to get your own place, save up some money, and get use to being married before starting a family.

And your only 28. That's not old!

Yes, I recall reading her post earlier and she stated she is 28yo.

You're young still. I hope you do for you (as in invest in yourself and achieve more stability) before another person enters your life. You have time to improve your status quo via education (college or vocational school) and to get your things in order.

You're thinking about a daycare? Have you had any one on one experience with kids? If not, it's kinda like putting the cart before the horse. Well, plus you may have birth complications and/or a child born with special needs and that may be a challenge that you are not prepared (for).

Definitely don't rush into anything.