I need some help from divorced folks (this might be long)

[MickeysMommy]

My divorce was final in November of 2002. So why do I still feel guilty?

Background ~ some of you know it. I started dating my ex when I was 19 (waaaaaaay too young if you ask me), we were married when I was 22. When everyone meets him they fall in love with him (including all my family). He is a professional fire fighter (actually a deputy chief) and is involved quite a bit with our community. But, he was verbally and emotionally abusive to me throughout our relationahip. He would belittle me infront of people and when it was just the two of us. When I would call him on it, he didn't think he did. The last year of our marriage was particularly difficult as he would not stop asking me when we were going to have a baby. I am not ready and wanted to wait (he is 9 years older and wants a family). He would ask me in the car, at home, sitting in a restaurant...well, one day I left. And, as you know, when you make up your mind to leave you have to leave *that* day or you never will. So, he had no idea (well, I had told him 4 months before that if things didn't change I was going to leave so he didn't not have an idea) and when I left, he just sat there. He didn't tell me not to go. He didn't tell me to get my stuff and get out, he just sat there. So, anyway, I went to counseling and he finally did go but by that time - I didn't want anything to do with him.

My questions is, why do I still feel guilty? He never, never, never asked me to come home. He never made an effort for us to get back together. His now girlfriend moved in about 4 months after I moved out with him protesting that he wasn't with her when we were together I don't know if I believe that or not. I am the one that tried in the marriage not him. But I still feel that if I could have done something else, if I had tried more...UGH! I still feel guilty. For a long time (and probably still today) I wondered if I was un-loveable. Am I not a good person? Is it just in the cards? I know I am better off but...

Anybody have any input?

 

[Pooh67_68]

 

[Maleficent13]

The first part of your post sounded eerily similar to mine. We met at 19, married at 22. Too young, too many issues. We tried to work it out for a while (although he didn't try very hard), until one day I said enough. My ex also protested he had no idea it was coming.

I've been divorced 2 years now, and it took me a long time to get over the guilt of it, although I knew it wouldn't have been a good idea to stay there.

You are not unlovable. You are not a bad person. You are trying to live the best life you know how the best way you can. It will get easier, it will get better, and you will have a loving relationship again.

Sending you good vibes!

 

[scarlett873]

we were 19 when we met too...married at 22...

i felt guilty for a while after my divorce too. but my guilt was because i had hurt my ex so badly. i was the one who left...he wasn't abusive in any way...i was just unhappy in the relationship. i had to do what was right for me...i knew what was right for me, even if no one else agreed with my decisions...i immediately got back together with the absolute love of my life and i can honestly say that in the last 3 years, i have never been happier in my life!

the guilt eventually subsided...especially once i found out that he had started seeing someone else. i have no regrets to this day...i still believe that it was the very best decision for everyone involved...

hang in there sweetie...

 

[Chrissi Pooh]

I was married at 19 and divorced 2 years ago.

I felt guilty but only because it was as if I failed at being a wife although I never cheated or did drugs or lied profusely. We both went through counseling but that didn't do anything for either of us.

I think we all have a little guilt even though we know whatwe need to do to make things right. Come to terms with it and move on, you will feel so much better about yourself!!!

Hugs to you!!! Good luck!

 

[missypie]

My first husband (who I married at 23) left me 7 years later for another woman...I hope he doesn't ever feel guilty because it's the best thing that ever happened to me...he was a big abusive jerk and I'm so glad that some other woman took him out of my life!!! (Actually, the woman he left me for broke up with him a couple of months later and then he wanted to come back but by then I'd had a taste of life without him, so no way!)

Were you raised in a religion that really preaches against divorce? That might be a source of your guilt.

You know, people talk about the "good old days" when divorce was a lot more rare, but I don't think those days were good for a lot of women. Financial dependence kept many many marriages together when the wives would have been much better off without their sorry husbands!

Enjoy your life! If you think you've committed a sin, confess it, ask forgiveness from God and move on!

 

[LindaR]

You need to look in your newspaper/phone book/local info to find a "divorce support group".

A divorce is hard to get over. Period. You need help. Most people cannot identify that help is needed, so you've taken a big step. If you don't get counseling/support, you may eventually end up in a relationship that is unhealthy and/or ends unsucessfully because you have unresolved issues.

 

[Dizzy-Disney4]

wow..well not divorced yet but heading that way. Met at 16 married at 19...now 13 years later its about over. I am sad but just want it done. Hugs to you.

 

[Disney Doll]

Don't confuse guilt with sadness either. It's perfectly normal to feel sad about a divorce...in a way, it's the death of a relationship, the death of dreams youhad for your life together with your spouse etc. When my brother got divorced many years ago, he said he didn't start to feel normal" until 2-2.5 years later.

Based on what you said, leaving a verbally/emotionaly abusive husband who didn't really make a huge effort to change &/or make the marriage work doesn't sound like a reason for any guilt, especially when you throw in the girlfriend moving in 4 months later and the claim that he wasn't seeing her during your marriage. I don't believe that.

Much of what probably happened to you is getting tied down at too young of an age to someone who was in a different "time" in his life. He was looking for babies, you were still looking to enjoy marriage without babies for a while.

Try to look at it as a learning experience, examine what went wrong, figure out what good qualities you want in a mate and what bad qualities you won't tolerate in a mate, and what quirks you can overlook if the good qualities outweigh them. Enjoy being independent, enjoy your freedom, and don't rush into anything.

I would also recommend some sounselling. Many people go to marriage counselling, and if the marriage fails, they stop counselling too. You need as much (if not more) counselling to deal with the demise of a marriage as you do to deal with trying to repair a marriage.