I need help with my DD12

[happily single]

I seriously don't know how to handle this issue. I have three kids; dd12; ds11 and ds5. My two boys (and I) would give you the shirt off our backs if we thought you might want it. My dd12 would demand that you give her the shirt (well maybe that bad).

For an example: This weekend ds11 had a friend over. This is a huge accomplishment because he has PDD. The boys were in the living room with a snack-granola bars. One each. When DD12 decided she wanted one and they were gone she DEMANDED that one of the boys give her their granola bar because she wanted one.

Another one: I had a bunch of kids in the van yesterday. DD12 had a water bottle, which she finished. The other kids all announced they wanted juice boxes. DD tells me we are 1 short so the 2 yr old will have to share with his 4 yr old sister. That's fine. UNTIL SHE PULLS OUT THE "MISSING" JUICE BOX AND STARTS TO DRINK IT.

I seriously don't know what to do. I keep trying to explain how you shouldn't be selfish, "how could you seriously take a drink from a 2 yr old", etc. With no luck. Other than being selfish she is a great kid

Any suggestions would be great!

 

[golfgal]

I would have pulled over and taken the juice box from her and she would have been very grounded when she got home for acting like a 2 year old. She would also get treated like a 2 year old if that is how she chooses to act. You need to call her out on EVERY incidence and lay down the law or it won't stop.

 

[sunshine1178]

Stop it now; it will only get worse. If you can get her to a professional therapist, do so. Otherwise, things may escalate until you have no control at all. BTDT.

I seriously don't know how to handle this issue. I have three kids; dd12; ds11 and ds5. My two boys (and I) would give you the shirt off our backs if we thought you might want it. My dd12 would demand that you give her the shirt (well maybe that bad).

For an example: This weekend ds11 had a friend over. This is a huge accomplishment because he has PDD. The boys were in the living room with a snack-granola bars. One each. When DD12 decided she wanted one and they were gone she DEMANDED that one of the boys give her their granola bar because she wanted one.

Another one: I had a bunch of kids in the van yesterday. DD12 had a water bottle, which she finished. The other kids all announced they wanted juice boxes. DD tells me we are 1 short so the 2 yr old will have to share with his 4 yr old sister. That's fine. UNTIL SHE PULLS OUT THE "MISSING" JUICE BOX AND STARTS TO DRINK IT.

I seriously don't know what to do. I keep trying to explain how you shouldn't be selfish, "how could you seriously take a drink from a 2 yr old", etc. With no luck. Other than being selfish she is a great kid

Any suggestions would be great!

 

[worm761]

I agree with taking things away that she demands from other people. That just isn't right. I would have made her give up the juice too. I am assuming that she knows that her behavior is wrong and she just doesn't care. What are the consequences for her behavior? If there are no negative consequences then there is no motivation to change it.
Personally, she would be volunteering to help those less fortunate. That may help to teach her to be less selfish.

 

[RitaZ.]

You can't let her get away with it. You have to step in and correct the situation. If it means that you have to physically remove the item from her hand, then that's what you do.

The talks aren't doing the job. There have to be some real consequences for her poor behavior. Has this method always worked for her in getting what she wants?

 

[bellebud]

I love a pp's idea of her volunteering to help the less fortunate in some way. maybe you can do it together? this is an important time in her life - she'll only start to pull away more as a teen - use the volunteering as bonding time with you too. good luck! parenting can be so difficult sometimes.

 

[happily single]

Thank you for all your replies. Of course I immediately took the juice box from her and pretty much berated her for taking juice from a 2 yr old. I also gave her a piece of my mind about the granola bar incident.

Everytime I see it, and honestely it's only been recently that I've noticed, I "call her out on it" and do not allow her to have her way.

Volunteering is a good idea. She knows how forunate she is and we do things such as PTO, donate to the homelss shelter, give to Salvation Army. But maybe making her go to a homeless shelter/food pantry to help would be a good idea. I'm just not sure if she is old enough.

I'm just worried that I'm not always around to correct her behavoir and I don't want this to turn into a major issue

 

[portocall]

My sister was very much the same way. Good news is she grew up to be quite a lovely and giving kind of person as an adult. My mom let her get away with it though in our younger years. Christmas is hilarious to watch on old tapes now (not going through it mind you) because she was always crying over what she didn't get cause she didn't realize she wanted it until someone else got it.

My sister now says a lot of it was because there were four of us and she felt like no one looked after her interests. (one of our sisters had childhood cancer so a lot of time, attention, and treats from parents and strangers alike went to her) It was her way of making sure she got some of that too. She wasn't a talker and didn't fess up until her 20's though.

 

[Disney Doll]

I have no children, but I can tell you that my life would have been very miserable if I had behaved like that withiin eye or ear shot of my mother.

Going up to my siblings and demanding anything would have reuslted in me staying in my room for a good part of that day, without phone, TV or all the other nice amenities of life. If it happened again, I owuld have been in my room cleaning it till it sparkled.

If it happened again, I'd have been cleaning my sibliings rooms till they sparkled.

Caroline (my mother) didn't do selfish or denading very well.

 

[AntePrincess]

Sounds like she feels neglected relative to her younger siblings. I would correct the situation, ie take the juice box, but I wouldn't embarrass her about it. People tend to act worse when "caught" or humiliated, and my goal is better behavior now and in the future. Whenever I've given the benefit of the doubt, no matter how obvious bad intent really was, my children have risen to my expectations. In the juice box case, I'd have praised her for finding the "missing" box. I honestly don't care much to be "right," or if my kids might think they got one over on me, what matters is that, in the longterm, they act like civilized, kind people.

Good luck, I imagine that it is frustrating. In your shoes, I'd look for the underlying need and meet it, not in a "reward for bad behavior way," but at a time other than when she's actively misbehaving.

 

[bellebud]

Sounds like she feels neglected relative to her younger siblings.

I agree this could be true... as I stated above - maybe the volunteering WITH mom will help - getting 1 on 1 time, as a 'big' girl with mom, and seeing just how fortunate she is in life.

We homeschool and our local group does community service projects on a regular basis - some things we've done - we made veterans cards saying 'thank you for your service' and personally delivered them to the veterans hospital (the nursing home part) and spent time with the veterans; we gleaned apples for the food pantry (picked all the ones left on the trees after the season was over - there's always something left - this was organized through our 4H group); we collect items for various shelters; when we were attending our catholic school we always picked a few families from the church who were signed up to receive gifts from *santa* - I always picked a family who had a boy my ds's age, and another family who had a girl my dd's age - so my kids were in charge of picking out the gifts for that person.

You'll find something and get to the root of her behavior. A person who was a therapist once told me that more often than not, when a child acts up, there's a need not being met (not a *want* not being met, but a *need* - big difference). Just something to think about - dd is growing up, going through changes, etc. Now of course, kids will also just act up, try on different hats, etc, and we need to correct the bad behaviors.

Good luck - we all go through these things with our kids.

 

[MichelleinMaine]

But maybe making her go to a homeless shelter/food pantry to help would be a good idea. I'm just not sure if she is old enough.

She's old enough. Check with your local shelter/pantry, but ours have things kids kindergarten/up can do.

Personally, I'd recommend a soup kitchen, or other way to be in direct contact (vs shelving food at a pantry or something.) I used to take my cub scout den at that age, it really hit home that they were serving the clients what might be their only meal of the day.

 

[pyrxtc]

sometimes 12 yr old girls think the world revolves around them and nothing you do will stop that way of thinking. Nobody knows better than them and they can come up with all sorts of ways to get what they want, including lying. Good luck and I do advise therapy so she has someone to talk to about how she is feeling and why.

 

[Spinning]

You said this is a new behavior? Or is it just one that was always there and is getting worse?

You need to be consistant with her and definately call her on it and then have some type of punishment. Another thing I swear helps is make sure when you see her do something good you also comment on that. You do not need to reward her when she does something nice or good just make sure she is aware. Words can go a long way....

Also she isn't too young to help with a shelter or food bank. My son just went 2 weeks ago and he is 12. I wasn't sure how he would deal with it. He can be a little blunt and sometimes say things before he thinks....But he did great and it was an eye opener for him.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

What you are dealing with is a lack of empathy. My 13yodd has empathy. My older dd who is 18 did lack it and it was a struggle for her to gain empathy. Now she would have unlimited empathy for an animal though.

It gets tricky with siblings and very difficult. PP's all have great suggestions.

My older dd responsed to positive reinforcement better than the negative. She did not care about "punishment". However being proactive, like planning snacks and drinks for kids worked better.

The older sibling feels like "they are in charge" because let's face it, mom's do put them into that postion at times.

Find a strategy that works for her. It may take some trial and error but you will find it if you actively look for it.

What finally worked for my dd was "hug therapy". I made it up for her. One day I just hugged her as she was venting. My dd needed to be given empathy for her in order to "get it". It still does not come natural to her but she will come up and me a hug.

 

[abdmom]

A couple of these posts have reminded me of something that happened with dd when she was 7. My dh had died a few months earlier. Dd was getting - not grumpy, but kind of b**chy. I looked at her and decided to suspend her by her ankles. Held her upside down for a while. She transitioned from being angry and bitter to laughing and happy within about 20 seconds. She hadn't been getting her needs for physical horseplay met and by meeting those needs and meeting her physical contact needs, her emotional health was much improved. I continued to suspend her when necessary.

A couple of days ago, ds14 saw ds4 run to me, calling "Mommy, mommy", climb into my lap and get snuggles. DS14 made the remark that that was his job, he should be the one calling mommy, mommy and getting snuggles. Of course, he's 5 inches taller than me know, so a little too big for that, but he obviously is somewhat jealous of his sib and misses what he once had.

Perhaps your dd is experiencing something similar?

 

[LuvOrlando]

I think the people who mention the dynamic with siblings is a factor are onto something.

First, look at yourself. DO you tend to give things out to the younger ones first and expect the older child to behave like a surrogate co-parent and help you or do without instead of being a kid? I have seen this go on in so many families and the sad part is it ruins the siblings relationships among themselves. Almost every family with a large span in ages does this and while it's easy I think it's terrible. No kid should ever be given authority over siblings because it causes resentment from both sides. The younger ones despise the older one for telling them what to do and the older ones despise the younger ones for ruining their fun... it never ends well.

The thing is that while it's true she is being selfish there must be something going on that makes her feel that if she doesn't look out for herself no-one else will and that's not good. If it was my kid I would be digging for the cause not worrying about the symptom, kwim.

Maybe DD would soften if you coddle her a bit more. Ask her what she wants for dinner. Serve her first. If you change how you treat her and she still continues to do this you have an argument. But, if she hid the juice box because she knew she would be the one who would have to do without because she is always the one asked to give stuff up for the younger ones... well that's a different thing.

Good luck

 

[monkeybug]

I love a pp's idea of her volunteering to help the less fortunate in some way. maybe you can do it together? this is an important time in her life - she'll only start to pull away more as a teen - use the volunteering as bonding time with you too. good luck! parenting can be so difficult sometimes.

I love this idea too! My parents had us volunteer in a homeless shelter when we were in middle school, and in high school sent us to build houses in Mexico. It is very hard to complain about something like a granola bar or juice box when you realize there are people with no homes and barely enough food to get by. (and my parents reminded us each time we "forgot")
I would also say that every time she behaves selfishly, take away something of hers (a privilege, or an actual item) then make her do something for someone else in the family to earn it back. Make that a rule for the entire family maybe?
When you see her do something kind on her own, then make sure you praise and reward her for it, maybe something like "I saw that you helped your brother get a snack today, that was a really nice thing to do, how about you stay up a half hour later tonight" (or whatever works for your family)

 

[mjkacmom]

Has she always been like this? I ask because of the age. Unfortunately, dd13 has always been like this with her siblings (never friends). Ds7 also seems to lack empathy. The other 3 are extremely generous and giving. You will just have to stay on her, and let her know it's not acceptable. Hopefully, it's just an issue with her family - it gets tough if it's a problem with peers.

 

[monkeybug]

I think the people who mention the dynamic with siblings is a factor are onto something.

First, look at yourself. DO you tend to give things out to the younger ones first and expect the older child to behave like a surrogate co-parent and help you or do without instead of being a kid? I have seen this go on in so many families and the sad part is it ruins the siblings relationships among themselves. Almost every family with a large span in ages does this and while it's easy I think it's terrible. No kid should ever be given authority over siblings because it causes resentment from both sides. The younger ones despise the older one for telling them what to do and the older ones despise the younger ones for ruining their fun... it never ends well.

The thing is that while it's true she is being selfish there must be something going on that makes her feel that if she doesn't look out for herself no-one else will and that's not good. If it was my kid I would be digging for the cause not worrying about the symptom, kwim.

Maybe DD would soften if you coddle her a bit more. Ask her what she wants for dinner. Serve her first. If you change how you treat her and she still continues to do this you have an argument. But, if she hid the juice box because she knew she would be the one who would have to do without because she is always the one asked to give stuff up for the younger ones... well that's a different thing.

Good luck

I agree with this too. Sounds like she may be jealous of her siblings. I still would not allow her (or any family member) to behave selfishly, or demand to take things that belong to others, but make sure she knows she is still special to you. It's hard because in a busy family, it is sometimes difficult to find the time. Try and make your time together not about getting stuff too, make it about spending time together.
They say kids need love the most when they deserve it the least, and I think it's true.