I need help and ideas for struggling son (14)

[patsal]

Help! I need some friendly advice/constructive criticism. My son is 14 and is failing math miserably. He passes the tests and quizzes (but just barely he really just isn't a math kid) and does the homework--but he doen't turn in the homework. Turns out after extensive counselling he has been being bullied and his homework is being stolen and he is threatened and beat up for it. He was wanrned that if he told he would be beat up worse, and the kid would get his sister as well. The "team" has a policy that if you give your homeowrk to anyone else you are a cheater too--hence some extra fear on his part to tell anyone, not to mention the fragile 14yo ego. His math grades are 62 first quarter, 50 second quarter, and at the five week mark 41 for third quarter. Obviously he isn't going to pass math--there is not way he could get grades high enough fourth quarter and on the final to pull it off.
I am will ing to home school over the summer to bring that grade up and even let him take the school's assessment, but I dont' want him in summer school until he has finished with his counselling--at the 8th grade level the majority of kids in summer school are not there because they are nice kids. I cannot quit my job to home school him--I carry the family medical insurance and we need the $$ to pay our bills.

Any ideas?

 

[JCJRSmith]

First piece of advice I can give you is that the bully needs to be reported at once.

 

[dmslush]

Does the school know that he is being assaulted and his homework taken? If that is the case, the school needs to be informed and see if there is any extra credit project that he can do in order to bring his grade up to at least passing. Have you thought about getting him a tutor to help with the summer school issue? Sometimes, local colleges have Education majors who have to do tutoring as part of their academic work.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I would go to the school about the bullying. Most schools, after Columbine and other school shootings, are VERY strict when it comes to bullies. I would go to the police if it has turned physical or if threats have been made. I would not take that lightly. I would also hire a tutor. I was on the brink of hiring one with my son, but he pulled his grades up just in time. I would also talk to the teacher and see what can be done to pull up the grades. I would schedule a conference between your son, the counselor, the math teacher and you.

I would also consider signing your son up for some type of martial arts. He needs to feel empowered towards a kid or kids who would do this to him. He could then learn how to carry himself, when to fight back and how, and how to get help.

Good luck to you and your son!

 

[patsal]

The school was informed as soon as DH and I were made aware. Unfortunately it is not just one kid--DS has rather long hair, kids are attempting to cut his hair, the homework stealing and physical confrontation part as well constantly being called derogatory names. They are currently working on it--we checked in at the end of the day yesterday withthe principal--I did take it to administration. I have a tutor in the works and want to continue that route for the summer (but will the district accept that? That's the big question in lieu of summer school). I have an appointment for additonal counselling on Saturday as well.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You need to seek out the Principal immediately. In fact this is assault, stealing, threatening.

I would not expect an adult to handle this let alone a mere child. If you don't plan on moving I would put him in Martial Arts to learn self defense. Consider moving or a private school or something after the school year. A school where he feels that threatened cannot be good.

As far as Math, hire a TUTOR!!!!!! I did for my dd and WOW! It is expensive but basic math needs to be understood by your son.
My dd went from a D to a B after 3 sessions. She is also 14 and a freshman in HS.

 

[MUFFYCAT]

I would go straight to prinicipal office and advise her on all of this. Go to see the schoool superviser if they don't do action RIGHT AWAY.
The bullys should be immediately suspended. Demand that they get
the maximum penalties. The school should help yopu with his studies
being that all this happen under the teacher's nose.

Your son has to know & feel that he is being protected by you, school
and the police (if you have to)!

If there is one thing I dispise is bullying and what it does the person.


Good Luck! Keep us posted. I'll be praying for him!

 

[Disney Doll]

Will the district accept it??? Your child was bullied and harrassed, causing him to fail a class and you're wondering if the district will accept the results of a tutor as a passing grade????!!!!!! I'd be telling the school that they'd be accepting it, if a qualified tutor worked with my child and could prove that he could do the work.

Do yourself & your child a favor. Do a search here on the DIS for posts by "ducklite". She gives wonderful advice about how to handle school-related issues.

 

[luvtogo12]

I am so sorry your son has to deal with this.

Kids are attempting to cut his hair???? That is assault with a weapon as far as the zero tolerance policy is concerned. The school can not bring up charges against these kids, but you can.

 

[DisneyBaby!]

Ok I skipped over most of the posts on this because I feel so stronly on this. I am a fairly normal 36 yo father, employed (so far), took alot of college but never graduated. I ended up fine, but I had a Helluva time in school, with grades and bullies. I was called ***, dork, cloths made fun of, accosted in the halls-in class, condoned and ecouraged by the student teacher (after my mother was done with him, he left teaching). I saw the school counselor, it helped a little. But what got me through it the most was I knew I had the support of my mother. Right now, be there for him. There is hope. It might seem bleak at this time, but this will soon pass.

For advice, tell the school, and keep at it until you get results. Tutoring helps with the grades, but I contuned to struggle with English until college and I was able to take classes independant study. The Math kept me from graduating and that is one of the things that I regret the most. But enough about me. For the bullies, it never stopped for me until I stood up for myself.

My mother told me, no matter what, if I did not start a fight, was defending myself, than there would be no consequences at home. I would need to serve the punishment at school, she would fight for me If she felt it was wrong, but I never started a fight. I decked a few kids in the locker room after football practice, kids that were 40 pounds on me, or in class (thanfully, that teacher kept it in the classroom). But, for the most part, they left me alone after that. Yeah, I served a few detentions, those must be on my "permanant record" They might have been enemies after that, but for the most part kept their distance. This was 20 years ago and the culture is completely different now and I am in now way condoning violence. Everyone has a lawyer, the school district is afraid and largely can do nothing. My problem was I would let it get to me to the point that I would explode, now I am much better about speaking up.

One problem today is with all of the focus on Special Ed, any kid with and IEP has a special set of rules. My wife tells me all the time about a kid with an IEP that starts a fight with a regular kid, is the agressor, and they can't do a thing, and the regular ed kid gets a detention and the IEP kids get nothing. Oh, this steams my bean. I would hire a private detective to follow my kid, or better yet, insist that I be allowed to be there, go to the press, call the police. (breath) Ok, having been through it, I feel very strongly on the subject. Sorry for the long post.

 

[swilphil]

I taught high school freshmen for several years. You need to definitely talk to the school about the bullying. Go to the Superintendent's office if the principal doesn't pursue it.

Is the school large enough where your son could change some classes so he is away from the bullies? As far as the math grade goes, your son should be able to make up the assignments that were stolen. If he needs help with the content, arrange for tutoring. Good luck!

 

[Hannathy]

I agree with pushing for the school to deal with the bullies but in the mean time is the math teacher aware of the homework being stolen? one idea would be have your son e-mail his homework to the teacher after he does it at night . This way teacher gets it ,son gets credit and bullies still think they are stealing it. I would insist the school allow my son to turn in his work electronically until they can get this situation under control. Good Luck and give your son a hug.

 

[patsal]

He dropped hints to the math teacher, but she didn't catch them--of course not her fault, but unfortunately in her attempt to motivate through embarassment she just added insult to injury. he told her he lost it, lent it out but forgot to whom, can I have another sheet I promise it will be in tomorrow, could i turn my homework in first period--homeroom even though class is ninth period, so I don't lose it? She took it from him early for a week or so--all those are in the book as done, though he got accosted in the hallway from the same kid wanting his homework. She went to collect homework he told her he didn't have it and she made aproduction out of it in class--big surprise Josh doesn't have his homework again...
Here is where I stand now. Principal has been told, still waiting for contact toward resolution, I am planning on insisting that we come up with an alternative for math right now or that the grades be reconfigured to eliminate the homework as for or against--I will hire a tutor, he will not go to summer school. If they insist that he take their assessment he will once tutoring has been completed. We have a Counselling session on Saturday so hopefully we can start to see him become more empowered to advocate for himself by the time HS starts in the fall. If not I can weigh my options for that as well with private school, homeschooling, and or switching his district and paying for it.

 

[MUFFYCAT]

How long have you been waiting from the prinicipal?
If it's more than 3 hours I'd call the school demand a the resolution GO to the prinicipal office NOW a nd demand an answer or your not leaving. Then tell them your calling the School superintendint immediatly.
DO NOT wait on this. Your son deserves an answer NOW!!

I wouldn't put the teacher out of blame completely. She should have seen something.

 

[DisneyBaby!]

She went to collect homework he told her he didn't have it and she made aproduction out of it in class--big surprise Josh doesn't have his homework again...


You need to talk, face to face with that teacher and the way she is treating your son in class. It is completely inappropriate for the teacher to say anything about your sons getting in or not getting in homework. Go after the administration if you can not talk to the teacher. This behavior INFURIATES me. Teachers have no idea how words can shread a childs ego and self esteem. If I EVER have that happen to my kids......

 

[Kimmumum]

Call a meeting with all of his teachers, the guidance counselor, the principle and the superintendent immediately. My 12DS was being bullied at the beginning of the school year and after talking to the guidance counselor and a teacher we decided to pull in the administrators. They set up a plan with my son to catch the bullies. They just happened to be in the hall when the bullying happened. Just happened to be in the library when they called him names. They just happened to be in the hall when they pushed or tripped him etc. Because they just happened to be there, the bully had no one to blame but himself for getting caught. It worked. The bully got suspended and has left my son alone. Don't stop until the bullying stopped. Your son needs to know that you are on his side. If you don't stick up for him no one else will. Good luck!!

 

[patsal]

How long have you been waiting from the prinicipal?
If it's more than 3 hours I'd call the school demand a the resolution GO to the prinicipal office NOW a nd demand an answer or your not leaving. Then tell them your calling the School superintendint immediatly.
DO NOT wait on this. Your son deserves an answer NOW!!

I wouldn't put the teacher out of blame completely. She should have seen something.

I have waited since yesterday morning at the start of school--so like 8:30 AM. They are doing State math assessments yesterday and today so they told me it might take some time to "get to it." I'm stopping in today at the end of the school day to check on the progress if I have not rec'd a phone call or email.

 

[DisneyBaby!]

Waiting since yesterday morning? The State Assesments are an excuse. Thay do not want to handle this. March down there and force them to deal with this. BTW, is the bully the child of a board member? Prominant person in town? Had prior run-ins and had a good lawyer? Have an IEP and they are afraid of running afoul of ADA/ Special Education requrements?

 

[patsal]

Unsure --the "haircut kids" are SPED, the name calling kids are SPED, and regular ed. but behavior problems, the homework/physical punching is a kid that the district just doesn't like to deal with--often in In school Suspension (I'm guessing yes on prior problems and laywer), etc.

 

[MUFFYCAT]

Waiting since yesterday morning? The State Assesments are an excuse. Thay do not want to handle this. March down there and force them to deal with this. BTW, is the bully the child of a board member? Prominant person in town? Had prior run-ins and had a good lawyer? Have an IEP and they are afraid of running afoul of ADA/ Special Education requrements?

I'd have my A-- down there so fast their heads would spin.
GO NOW - YOUR SON DESERVES AN ANSWER NOW!
Call the superintedent office now and tell them you want action immediatly.

Why should your son wait, Did he have to wait to get humilated by the teacher and bullied by the kids?- NO !!! So get action NOW!!!!!!!!!