I need advise..I'm whing to much...laid off

[kittie31]

HI,

My name is Janice and I am a lurker but I have enjoyed reading all of the interesting threads. But I just can't keep whining and need a little perspective from an outsider. I promise I will take the good comments with the bad.


Background: I am a 41 year old (never been married) engineer. I worked at my current postiion for 12 years and my previous job for 4 years. I have been dating a 35 year old engineering technician at my company for the last two years. I haven't dated much the last few years because I was taking care of my sisters children, a drug related issue.

I was laid off on May 17th. This was th 4th round. In the past year and a half about a 1000 people have been let go. I guess my number was up this time. It sucks. I'm may still consumed with why me and not the other guy. I do know this isn't the last layoff. Another one will happen in the fall/winter time frame.

The day I was laid off my boyfriend and I left for a great vacation to South Carolina, his home state. I met his family and childhood friends. We had a GREAT time and I didn't dwell on the job. Since we have been back I have been whiney and annoying. Tonight we had a fight because he wanted to hear my 'networking statement' I have been working on with the outplacement service. I started saying it and he interrupted to critize something and I blew up at him. I wanted to finish my statement. I need to practice to get it correct and natural sounding. I hate networking. He wanted to give feedback because he didn't like my opening sentence.

I know I am being defensive and right now I can't seem to stop it. Unfortunatley, it's him I'm taking my anger and frustation out on. Intellectually I know he is trying to help but I am so defensive. I also know he needs to let me finish speaking without interupting. It is a very bad habit of his.

Now, I need to apologize but he was so mad that I became defensive and I wouldn't let him help. He did a lot of engineering sales before his current job. I am not a good public speaker. I am so bad at it.

An underlining issue is I need to bring up what our future is going to be. He needs to look for a new job eventually.

I love him and I want a future with him and the job situation is very emotional and we are both very good single people and he isn't ready to make sacrafices in his wants for an 'us'. I was going to talk to him about it after our vacation but I was laid off and it has made it even harder to bring up the subject because I am too emotional.

Thanks for letting a first time poster vent. Any advice will be great. I promise I won't be defensive. I am lost in uncertainity.

Janice

 

[Sparx]

I don't really have a lot of advice, but I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry that you're going through this right now. Any thing that was major in your life (job, relationship) you have to mourn the loss of it.

I'm sure your boyfriend didn't mean to interrupt you in a malicious way. You said it was a bad habit.

I don't have any other advice, but good luck finding a new job!

 

[dumboiu]

HI,

My name is Janice and I am a lurker but I have enjoyed reading all of the interesting threads. But I just can't keep whining and need a little perspective from an outsider. I promise I will take the good comments with the bad.


Background: I am a 41 year old (never been married) engineer. I worked at my current postiion for 12 years and my previous job for 4 years. I have been dating a 35 year old engineering technician at my company for the last two years. I haven't dated much the last few years because I was taking care of my sisters children, a drug related issue.

I was laid off on May 17th. This was th 4th round. In the past year and a half about a 1000 people have been let go. I guess my number was up this time. It sucks. I'm may still consumed with why me and not the other guy. I do know this isn't the last layoff. Another one will happen in the fall/winter time frame.

The day I was laid off my boyfriend and I left for a great vacation to South Carolina, his home state. I met his family and childhood friends. We had a GREAT time and I didn't dwell on the job. Since we have been back I have been whiney and annoying. Tonight we had a fight because he wanted to hear my 'networking statement' I have been working on with the outplacement service. I started saying it and he interrupted to critize something and I blew up at him. I wanted to finish my statement. I need to practice to get it correct and natural sounding. I hate networking. He wanted to give feedback because he didn't like my opening sentence.

I know I am being defensive and right now I can't seem to stop it. Unfortunatley, it's him I'm taking my anger and frustation out on. Intellectually I know he is trying to help but I am so defensive. I also know he needs to let me finish speaking without interupting. It is a very bad habit of his.

Now, I need to apologize but he was so mad that I became defensive and I wouldn't let him help. He did a lot of engineering sales before his current job. I am not a good public speaker. I am so bad at it.

An underlining issue is I need to bring up what our future is going to be. He needs to look for a new job eventually.

I love him and I want a future with him and the job situation is very emotional and we are both very good single people and he isn't ready to make sacrafices in his wants for an 'us'. I was going to talk to him about it after our vacation but I was laid off and it has made it even harder to bring up the subject because I am too emotional.

Thanks for letting a first time poster vent. Any advice will be great. I promise I won't be defensive. I am lost in uncertainity.

Janice

Very odd first post on a Disney board, but good luck to you anyway on your job search. I hope you get the *advice* you are looking for......or that someone can *advise* you as to what you should do.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You focus on one thing and that is getting a job. The other stuff needs to be set aside. Yes, he needs to look and you are uncertain about your future however getting a job should be your focus.

Apologize to him and then talk to him about his "habit" when you are both calm. Come up with a code word for the both of you or something else.

If he interrupts and you say something like, "I appreciate your input however please wait until I finish the entire thing to give verbal comments."

Maybe you can give him a pad of paper to jot down notes instead? This way he can give his opinion and then you can use it to your benefit.

Maybe think about this in terms of him being a job coach if that will help you? Change your perspective.

Being laid off is stressful and you need to come up with better coping strategies & techniques to get you thru it.

 

[Frantasmic]

1. Underneath it all, it seems you are upset that you, an older, long term employee, was laid off while someone who has been with the company less is still there.

2. You asked a "guy" for help when you really wanted a "woman/fried" to talk it over with. Guys go for results. Sure, we should listen and take turns talking; however, that is infrequent in the workplace, in which mode we tend to stay in. Guys are generally in "brainstorm" mode when trying to solve a problem. It would perhaps be wise to find a different mentor/helper in your career situation. Or state that you don't want him to help solve your problem, but just be there as a supportive significant other. It happens a lot in marriages too because guys seem geared to solve problems quickly while woman want someone to hear them out.

3. I agree with the other poster who says to focus on your career first. Concern yourself with your livelihood first.

4. A 35 year old who dates a woman for two years and hasn't spoken about the future speaks volumes. However, you've been busy raising your sister's kids during that time too. So, you have to admit that the onus isn't entirely on "his sacrificing his wants for an 'us'."

 

[ilovemonk]

Change is hard, I know. Please keep in mind if you two aren't able to make it through this crisis then how is it if you two were to get married?

Yes, keep looking for a job, but also remember that there will be many crisis in life and maybe the silver lining is that you two will learn to endure them together.

Good luck! I've been there, done that.

 

[NeverlandClub23]

1. Underneath it all, it seems you are upset that you, an older, long term employee, was laid off while someone who has been with the company less is still there.

2. You asked a "guy" for help when you really wanted a "woman/fried" to talk it over with. Guys go for results. Sure, we should listen and take turns talking; however, that is infrequent in the workplace, in which mode we tend to stay in. Guys are generally in "brainstorm" mode when trying to solve a problem. It would perhaps be wise to find a different mentor/helper in your career situation. Or state that you don't want him to help solve your problem, but just be there as a supportive significant other. It happens a lot in marriages too because guys seem geared to solve problems quickly while woman want someone to hear them out.

3. I agree with the other poster who says to focus on your career first. Concern yourself with your livelihood first.

4. A 35 year old who dates a woman for two years and hasn't spoken about the future speaks volumes. However, you've been busy raising your sister's kids during that time too. So, you have to admit that the onus isn't entirely on "his sacrificing his wants for an 'us'."

I completely agree, especially with what I bolded. I know I'm younger than you, OP, but if he was really interested in a future with you I don't think you would have to question it after two years. You need to focus on you right now and your happiness. Take care of yourself physically and mentally and whatever else is meant to be, will be. I would apologize for snapping at him and not being able to take the criticism though. Good luck to you .

 

[Scurvy]

I can't really give advice on the rest of your post, but I can understand why he interrupted you. If he found something in your statement that he thought you ought to change, it makes sense to me that he would stop you to tell you right then. He might have forgotten it if he had listened to your whole statement before pointing it out. I can see why you'd be annoyed, but there is obviously just a difference in your communication styles.

As for the fact that he "isn't ready" to make sacrifices, maybe he just doesn't want to. Do you have any reason to believe he has any interest in making changes in the future? Maybe he is perfectly happy with the way things are now and doesn't ever want to sacrifice or change anything. If that's the case, you will have to decide if this is a relationship you can live with or if you are looking for something else from your significant other.

Good luck with whatever you decide! Oh, and to the Dis!

 

[kittie31]

Thanks for the comments. I know it seemed strange to post a delimena as my first post but I didn't want to talk to friends or family about it. They've heard enough too.

Everybody's comments made sense especially after I calmed down.

Thank You, Janice

 

[Frantasmic]

An underlining issue is I need to bring up what our future is going to be. He needs to look for a new job eventually.

I love him and I want a future with him and the job situation is very emotional and we are both very good single people and he isn't ready to make sacrafices in his wants for an 'us'. I was going to talk to him about it after our vacation but I was laid off and it has made it even harder to bring up the subject because I am too emotional.

I didn't see this originally. Since you are older than he is, do you occasionally go into "mommy" mode? Why does he "need" to look for a new job? Are you inferring that he will probably be caught up in the next layoff in the fall?

I know your life is at a point of uncertainty right now. You can't make a map of your next 6 months, much less your next few years to the rest of your life right now.

Again, focus on finding your next job. Then, see if he is in fact on a future layoff list. It is highly possible that you might have a job and be more stable soon just when his life is thrust into turmoil.

Given all these uncertainties in each of your lives, now is not the time to insist on a roadmap.

Please refrain from discussing things he "needs" to do and realize that more likely, those are items you "want" him to do.