I just need someone to talk to.

[QuirkyButterfly]

Hi guys, I just need to get all my thoughts down...

My boyfriend has been offered a job in a different city. So we have to move. I don't want to move. Now I love my boyfriend with all of my heart, we have been together 4 years, and leaving him is out of the question. So I have said that I will go. He is really excited because this is a good opportunity for him, I am trying to be really supportive of him and be happy for him. But really I am pretty devastated. I have a job that I like here, I like the people I work with and I know that it will be difficult for them when I do leave. My friends are here and I don't know anyone where we are going. I like our home, it is small but it's set up the way I like it. And the number one reason I don't want to leave is that my Mum is here. I am an only child and I don't have any contact with my Father. My mother and me are really close, and I know how upset she will be when I have the courage to tell her. I want to live close to her. I know I am a mammas girl, but while I was growing up we were all the other had.

Change is really really scary. And I am scared about my/our future. What if I can't hack it in another city? Especially because it is so much bigger than where we live now.

Thanks for listening. Just needed to get that off my chest.

~Quirky

 

[Launchpad11B]

Does your boyfriend know how strongly you feel about not wanting to move? Making life changing decisions based on someone Else's happiness is risky. Be sure to consider your own happiness, as well as his in your decision. Good luck with your situation. I hope it all works out for you.

 

[mainegal]

Wow, this is tough.

I remember a time long ago when a couple had a marriage commitment and the man's job was the primary one, the was no discussion. The couple followed the husband's career.

Now, couples don't make marital commitments. Men and women have equal careers. Individual concerns are taken as equal in making the couple's future plans.

This could be a time of interesting opportunity and exploration for you.

I was in a similar situation ten years ago. My partner (boyfriend of three years at the time) was offered a position in a large city another state. I was really unsure about uprooting and didn't get really excited for him as maybe I should have. In the end, we stayed here in Maine. Several years later he got a similar, better paying job. I have had my same job for many years. We have lived together for ten years. We sometimes wonder what if he or we had moved, but we are okay with where we are now.

I wish you all the best in this questioning time. Yes, change is scary. But it might be worth a try.

 

[churchpilot]

 

[safetymom]

Please tell your Mom sooner rather than later. She probably knows something is bothering you.

 

[QuirkyButterfly]

Does your boyfriend know how strongly you feel about not wanting to move? Making life changing decisions based on someone Else's happiness is risky. Be sure to consider your own happiness, as well as his in your decision. Good luck with your situation. I hope it all works out for you.

Thanks for responding.

At the moment the only thing keeping him where we are is me, and the only thing that is in the new place for me is him.

It is so difficult, I know that I am putting him first in this decision, but I feel that for the total of our relationship he has been staying for me because he knows how much I like it here. He has been so unhappy in his job for the longest time and I feel like it is my turn to put him first, and see that he is happy and content in his occupation.

Unfortunately putting him first means that I have to give up a lot.

Wow, this is tough.

I remember a time long ago when a couple had a marriage commitment and the man's job was the primary one, the was no discussion. The couple followed the husband's career.

Now, couples don't make marital commitments. Men and women have equal careers. Individual concerns are taken as equal in making the couple's future plans.

This could be a time of interesting opportunity and exploration for you.

I was in a similar situation ten years ago. My partner (boyfriend of three years at the time) was offered a position in a large city another state. I was really unsure about uprooting and didn't get really excited for him as maybe I should have. In the end, we stayed here in Maine. Several years later he got a similar, better paying job. I have had my same job for many years. We have lived together for ten years. We sometimes wonder what if he or we had moved, but we are okay with where we are now.

I wish you all the best in this questioning time. Yes, change is scary. But it might be worth a try.

Thanks for telling me your experiences, I really appreciate it.

At the moment my head space is completely focused on the negative and I know that I am not considering the positives of a move.

He would have better work hours so we could spend more time together. That would be good.

We would also be close to the beach which would be great.

He wouldn't be as stressed which would make both of us happier.

I would have no trouble finding a job, as what I do is in demand.

I might find that I like the excitement of a big city and this is a good move.

But at the moment seeing the positive is really difficult. Maybe I should make one of those pro's and con's lists they always do on TV

It might help me look at the bright side a little more.

 

[QuirkyButterfly]

Please tell your Mom sooner rather than later. She probably knows something is bothering you.

Don't worry I will tell her tomorrow. She was on the road today visiting her partners mother so I didn't get to see her today. I really want to tell her in person, so tomorrow it is. Wish me good luck, it is going to be so emotional we might need a bucket load of tissues.

 

[alebisi]

I am an only child too, and I can understand. Maybe your mom can help you to make his decision. I really don't know what to advice you, but I know that "mommys" can help you most of the times when we are passing through a rough time or times were we have to make decissions. I wish you luck and send you lots of pixie dust! keep us update! Good Luck!

 

[mainegal]

Keep working on the pros and cons.
The fact that you are likely to find a job is a great plus!
You might find that your friends will want to visit you in your new location.
Your mom might be excited for you to have this opportunity. Good luck with the conversation with her.
Dig roots deeper vs. spead wings? Good luck!

 

[chaoscent]

Best of luck in making your decision. It sounds like a tought one.Penny

 

[Royster83]

Hi QuirkyButterfly

I understand how you feel, when my partner moved to a different city I chose to follow along too... I'm not sure how far you would be moving (being in Australia it could be really far!!!)

I was really sad to be leaving my family and friends. I don't get home anywhere near as much as I would like, and even if we do most of the time is spent visiting family and not friends. However we have now built a life together, and wouldn't change that now. My mum couldn't be happier, I'm sure yours will be the same for you . Friends and family can always visit, which we always love .

There will always be negatives, I really hope the positives out way those for you though. It's always scary to make changes.

I hope you can find the best thing for you, and please keep us updated with developments. Good luck in everything!

Roy

 

[MerMom60_94]

A couple of thoughts - would it be feasible for your boyfriend to move and settle in for a period of time before you make the move? This way you can be sure everything works out for him as planned before you give everything up. Let's say he moves there for six months and then you join him. You can visit each other in the meantime. That might also help you to clarify where you need to be. After all, what if you move and give everything up and he, in the end, decides he is no happier or better off in the new location?

My other thoughts are as the mom of an only child (to whom I am very close). I did not raise my child to be an extension of me. One day she is going to go off to college and start a career of her own and (hopefully) fall in love with someone. Who knows where that will lead her. If it leads her somewhere far away, I am ok with it. I want her to be happy and I want her to be fulfilled. Since she is an only child, I won't have any other children to consider and if she moves far away and wants me to be there, there is always the option of my following her to her new locale. These days, you have the advantage of instant message, social networking sites, and cell phones with generous long distance plans. It isn't that difficult to stay in touch long distance and keep up with each others lives. The downside I have heard from those who move far from home is that most vacations are spent going back home. This might keep you from other dream vacations that you have. Then again, if you travel well together, maybe you and your mom can meetup in a special location for vacation together. I guess the point I am trying to make is that your mother is likely to be very excited for you, even if she is a bit sad at the same time.

Good luck with whatever you decide. It's a big step but I am sure it will all work out.

 

[FireDancer]

This situation is not easy. Moving away from home if you don't want to can be scary but at the same time I would find in almost impossible to turn down a job I really liked because it was in another city.

I was in a similar situation when I graduated college so I'll let you know what I did and how I feel in hindsight. I worked to put myself through college here in Ohio for a company that had their corporate headquarters in Florida. When I graduated I started the tedious process of trying to find that first out of college job. The company I worked for at the time offered me the I.T. Director job if I would relocate to the Tampa, FL area. To get that job offer first thing out of college in a company I already knew was a no brainer. I took it and moved to FL.

I worked for that company 2 years and did enjoy living in FL but after 2 years I wanted to move to a different company and decided I would look for a job back in Ohio. My family was here and most of my friends and while there were things I loved in FL I just didn't settle and it never felt like home.

I am glad I went and given the chance would do it all over again. If I were offered a significantly better job out of state again I wouldn't rule it out. I learned a lot living outside of my comfort zone that I never would have learned had I just done the safe thing and never ventured out.

My advise would be to go with your boyfriend. It is not hard now a days to keep in touch with family back home. Get a skype account and a couple of cheap web cameras and you can still see your mom every day. If you give it a shot and it doesn't work out you can move back. I would rather go try something and fail at it than sit around wondering what could have been.

Hope this helps. If not sorry for wasting 5 minutes of your life.

 

[DaParkers]

My advise would be to go with your boyfriend. It is not hard now a days to keep in touch with family back home. Get a skype account and a couple of cheap web cameras and you can still see your mom every day. If you give it a shot and it doesn't work out you can move back. I would rather go try something and fail at it than sit around wondering what could have been.

Hope this helps. If not sorry for wasting 5 minutes of your life.

I agree. I chose to leave New Orleans at a really young age and I don't regret it. I've lived a few different places and have benefited greatly from those experiences. I miss home and I may go back soon, but I don't regret leaving. There is so much that people miss out on because they aren't willing to go outside of their comfort zone. You can always move back to the place you are now. If it can be financially and culturally rewarding, then maybe you should give it a try. But, I would pray about it first.

 

[KittyKitty]

I agree on giving it 6 months to make sure your BF is happy at the new job. It will be tough. But take it one day at a time.

Best of luck in whatever you decide.

 

[kathrna]

This a very difficult and personal decision for you to make. I hope that our posts are giving you some things to think about and some insight for those of use who have followed wherever our partner has lead us. Let me share my story.
My first time away from home took me out of the country! That was a culture shock to say the least! I missed EVERYONE and EVERYTHING! My sister in law took the time to go around town with a video camera and filmed our family members at work, went to coffee with friends, etc and sent it to us. I wore that tape out! I was able to find work. I missed my family and friends dearly. This was before the internet boom and the phone was very expensive. Snail mail was my dearest friend.
I look at each move as a form of growth for myself and my family. I have the benefit of the having the mindset that if I don't like a particular place, I know it's not forever. We will soon be on the move again. We've never been in any one place for more than three years over the past 18 years. Some jobs my DH enjoys and he's happy, others not so much and he can't wait to be on the go again. I made the personal choice to follow this man. Someday we will settle down and live where it's always warm and I can throw away all the boxes that my electronics originally came in. We will live in a house that we took the time to find not the "hurry up and find a place" kind of home. But it's always fun/frustrating putting a house together and finding there isn't enough space for your existing stuff or the house is bigger than the stuff you have. It's all good and all part of the adventure.
It's all scary, exciting, joyful, stressful. Moving is taxing on oneself as well as a relationship. But we've made it work and I hope that it does for you as well.
My mom and I are very close as well. She looks at our various locales as an adventure for herself. Without us moving, she says she'd never get to see the country. She's been everywhere we've been, except Europe (one she shouldn't have missed!) She enjoys the travel. We enjoy "just us" time when she comes, as I usually take time off for her visit. We still talk on the phone almost daily.
I hope that you take some good time for self reflection and talk openly with your partner. It's a big change for both of you. Be open with your feelings and keep your pro/con list going.
Good luck!

 

[schoen]

i was in a similar situation when i was younger.

My husband works in politics, so it is very important for him to be close to our state capitol. BUT i wanted to live in the city where my family lives. We are not far, but it is farther than I want to be for sure.

I used to see my aunts, uncles, and cousins literally everyday, because we all had breakfast together at my grandma's EVERY MORNING before work (seriously) so even though i moved only a short distance away, it felt REALLY FAR.

It was tough at first, and for a LONG time I was reluctant to settle in. Just in the past year or so I have started to enjoy my location a little more. I have made some good friends, and I actually LIKE being at my house on the weekends, and don't feel the need to visit my family as often.

It took some time, and ultimately some effort, but now I am pretty happy. I spent the first few years lamenting that i wasn't where i wanted to be (of course i wanted to be with my husband, but you know) and i literally had to TRY to like it here, but once i did put forth some effort it worked.

It will be tough, but if you decide to move i urge you to not waste too much time wishing you were someplace else, I spent some pretty miserable years hating where I was, and that is no fun, and truly unnecessary.

Good luck to you. I hope that everything works out for you.

 

[corky441]

I wish you all the best and hope you and your boyfriend find lasting happiness with each other.

Just as this is a change, there will always be changes you'll have to face throughout all of your life. This is just one of 1,000's that will come up from time to time.
Some of them will be monumental in scope & the others just ripples on an ocean.

Every day will always give you options... which one you choose is entirely up to you

 

[solar]

tough stuff...and there's great advice here

I always remind myself - if i'm asking a question out loud, I all ready know my true answer in my heart and mind, but i'm trying to justify it....by hearing from others.

Foremost - be honest with yourself - list your priorities in order, pros/cons a good idea, and most importantly - trust your gut instinct. It often tells us what we need to hear.

Good luck to you.

 

[klam_chowder]

Lots of good advice here.

For myself, I would not have BF go ahead first if I thought of him as my SO and was committed to a lifelong relationship. The move and transition to a new job will be stressful to him too and I'd want to be there to support him during that time to give him the best chance of success. Someone once told me marriage isn't 50/50, it's 100/100. His success is my success and vice versa. I believe in that but then when it comes to relationships, I'm an old fuddy duddy

Also, if things worked out and you joined him, you would be moving into his space and would have to displace his things to find space for your things... Maybe you would have preferred a different neigborhood/community, etc. If I had to make a move like this (and I have) I would want to be an active part of the adventure.

Best of luck

cheers,