I have to hand it to you SAHMs!!!

[Sleeping~Beauty]

I could point out the irony of raising our daughters to believe they can become anything they want, while simultaneously declaring that the best thing a woman can do is stay home with her kids.

But if they do choose to stay home with the children (like me) it isn't a bad thing, and it doesn't make us anything less. I think that one person's flamable post has hurt many and there is some backlash that's being generalized at everybody.

I'm a college graduate, have my certification in teaching, have taught a number of years and owned a business. I became a SAHM when I had my children. I keep up on my field, and wisely budget, and save my money. And my children are coming out fantastic, if I do say so myself.

It looks like there is a lot of negativity right now, and it was so nice before the problematic post. Let's not feed the fight.

 

[va32h]

But if they do choose to stay home with the children (like me) it isn't a bad thing, and it doesn't make us anything less. I think that one person's flamable post has hurt many and there is some backlash that's being generalized at everybody.

I'm a college graduate, have my certification in teaching, have taught a number of years and owned a business. I became a SAHM when I had my children. I keep up on my field, and wisely budget, and save my money. And my children are coming out fantastic, if I do say so myself.

It looks like there is a lot of negativity right now, and it was so nice before the problematic post. Let's not feed the fight.

I'm not disagreeing with you. I am also a college graduate and have been at home with my children for eight of the last ten years.

For a few years, my husband and I worked split shifts, so one of us was always with the kids, I have also telecommuted, done freelance work, and now work from home with my own little online store and some supplementary contract work on the weekends.

My comment that you quoted really stemmed from a conversation I had with my 10 yo daughter, who asked me what I had wanted to be when I grew up, when I was a child. She was the one who pointed out to me that although I always tell her she can do whatever she wants, I myself am not doing what I wanted to do.

At the time, I simply replied that people's ideas of what they want changes as we grow up, and that I could still go on to be a museum curator, if I wanted to (in fact I suggested that when she goes to college, I will just follow her to get my master's).

But it did make me think. I don't want to set the example that mothering is what you do when children show up and spoil your other plans.

I don't believe in the notion that women can "have it all". It is simply impossible to devote oneself 100% to furthering a career and furthering a family - something gets the short end of the stick. But I do think we can have a balance.

 

[3DisneyKids]

I'm sorry that I have not read the entire thread, so this may have been suggested. I am home with my 3 kids ages 3.5 (DD) 5 (DD) and 7 (DS) each a year and a half apart. I also work full time from home (all at night after they go to sleep...which means I never sleep, but that is another thread...lol).

Anyway, I have explained to them what a "put down" is, so they know when they call one another a name or say something mean, that is a put down. So, every time I hear a put down, that child needs to give the other 2 or 3 "put ups" (which means that something nice has to be said....you're a good sister, you're good at riding bikes, really anything positive). After only a couple of times, they started policing themselves on it.

Another thing we have is an "excursion jar." I have put a ton of little slips of paper in the jar with all sorts of activities...some of which are free (go to the library, the park, the beach--we live on the coast--etc. and some which cost money--go to the movies, and so on). They all LOVE being the one who gets to pick out of the excusion jar...so they have to be on really good behavior to earn the privilege. This one works like a charm.

The other thing I *try* to do (not always organized to get it done) is try to have a theme each week of the summer. For example, it might be "seal week." We'll start off at the library and get some books out about seals and learn about them. Then at some point in the week we'll do a craft project about them. Finally, we do a field trip and actually go see the seals at this remote beach in our area.

I let them choose the themes, too. Let's see...we've had "wonders on wheels" (all about different things that have wheels...so they use their bikes, skates, scooters, etc.) We've done "water week," "nature," "bugs" (not my favorite...lol....but on the rainy day we watched A Bug's Life so it wasn't all bad), of course we had "Disney week," and you get the idea.

But the fights will happen...it is part of siblinghood and growing up. Try not to let it ruin your precious time home with them. Yes, it can be frustrating and exhausting, but it is SO worth it.

The BEST thing I do for MY sanity is play dates with other moms and their kids. Have someone over or meet at the playground, etc. The kids play with their friends and you get some much-needed adult conversation. Good luck and keep up posted.

 

[disnutt]

Well, yesterday afternoon at 3:30 p.m. I became a SAHM! I'm still mourning my job but I'm loooking forward to my new role. I left because my husband accepted a job out of state and I'm not going to look for a new one.


To all mothers out there whatever your employment status: Keep up the good work!

 

[belle&beast]

Well, yesterday afternoon at 3:30 p.m. I became a SAHM! I'm still mourning my job but I'm loooking forward to my new role. I left because my husband accepted a job out of state and I'm not going to look for a new one.


To all mothers out there whatever your employment status: Keep up the good work!

Congratulations on your new career! Have lots of fun and like someone told me earlier in this thread..."One day at a time!" It is my new motto and is helping!

 

[TinkerbellMama]

OK, I have to add something here. I think it's very unfair to point fingers and say that it's every woman's responsibility to stay at home with their kids.

I don't see how it's unfair. She stated it was her opinion. It happens to be my opinion, too. However, I do not care what other people choose to do for their own children. I don't judge women who work outside the home. That's their choice or necessity, and has NOTHING to do with me or my child. I think there is a level of defensiveness whenever a SAHM (or an unhappy working mom) makes a statement about this issue. I think most moms are really good moms and do their best for their children. Obviously there are some cases of neglect or abuse, but most are doing a fine job, IMO. I can see that people are doing a good job as parents and yet still think staying home with your children is ideal. Just because I believe that doesn't mean I am insulting others who don't choose to or can't live that way.

 

[jodifla]

I don't see how it's unfair. She stated it was her opinion. It happens to be my opinion, too. However, I do not care what other people choose to do for their own children. I don't judge women who work outside the home. That's their choice or necessity, and has NOTHING to do with me or my child. I think there is a level of defensiveness whenever a SAHM (or an unhappy working mom) makes a statement about this issue. I think most moms are really good moms and do their best for their children. Obviously there are some cases of neglect or abuse, but most are doing a fine job, IMO. I can see that people are doing a good job as parents and yet still think staying home with your children is ideal. Just because I believe that doesn't mean I am insulting others who don't choose to or can't live that way.

IMO, there's not really a way to state that you think it's a woman's "responsibility" to stay home with kids WITHOUT sounding judgmental. The judgment is right there: If she's not home, she's shirking her responsibility.

There are many situations where it's not so ideal to have a mom at home. I know: I was raised by a SAHM, and it's not automatically a great thing, although it certainly can be.

 

[jodifla]

Well, yesterday afternoon at 3:30 p.m. I became a SAHM! I'm still mourning my job but I'm loooking forward to my new role. I left because my husband accepted a job out of state and I'm not going to look for a new one.


To all mothers out there whatever your employment status: Keep up the good work!

Good luck with your new role! I'm currently in this situation, although I don't plan to be a SAHM for long. Just as soon as I get certain issues settled on the homefront, I plan to be back in the workplace.

Personally, I was more organized when I worked. I seem to get less done as a SAHM.

 

[gottalovethem]

Well, yesterday afternoon at 3:30 p.m. I became a SAHM! I'm still mourning my job but I'm loooking forward to my new role. I left because my husband accepted a job out of state and I'm not going to look for a new one.


To all mothers out there whatever your employment status: Keep up the good work!

Congrats on your new role as a SAHM. Good luck!

 

[MyZoeJane]

I don't see how it's unfair. She stated it was her opinion. It happens to be my opinion, too. However, I do not care what other people choose to do for their own children. I don't judge women who work outside the home. That's their choice or necessity, and has NOTHING to do with me or my child. I think there is a level of defensiveness whenever a SAHM (or an unhappy working mom) makes a statement about this issue. I think most moms are really good moms and do their best for their children. Obviously there are some cases of neglect or abuse, but most are doing a fine job, IMO. I can see that people are doing a good job as parents and yet still think staying home with your children is ideal. Just because I believe that doesn't mean I am insulting others who don't choose to or can't live that way.

Thanks, but I guess I didn't "tiptoe" enough. I didn't read the whole thread before posting. I'm sorry I "ruined" the thread by having a difference of opinion.

Most of you have reacted as if I am an affront to all of womankind. When people get so offended by someone's opinion it tends to make me think that they are not very secure with their own decisions... because if they were, they wouldn't get so up in arms about mine? I'm about as liberal as they get. My focus is Women's Studies in Literature, which I would hope means something in terms of speaking to my support for women. And as an education minor, I happen to have read a whole awful lot of child psychology which supports my statement that PARENTAL ATTACHMENT is very important to a child's development... PARTICULARLY between the ages of birth and three. Someone asked when three became "school age"... Well, where I live, many parents start to send their children to pre-school at age 3. Perhaps where you live it's different?

Now that I have read this whole thread... I'm sorry I wasn't more "cautious" with my opinion. Since when did we live in a world where we all have to "sugar coat" our opinions so as not to offend anyone? I don't think my post was inconsiderate at all. I simply, in a nice way, shared my own opinion. Do we always have to qualify every opinion we share to cover our support for the differences of opinion we have between us? Can't those differences be assumed?

It is MY OPINION, which is based on well-known research and not just pulled out of thin air, that staying at home with my daughter til she reached that "milestone" of going to pre-school was best for her development. I made it clear I was aware of the fact that not everyone has the luxury of staying home with their children... but I still stand by my own (researched) opinion that having ONE parent (I NEVER specified that it couldn't be the dad!) at home with the children through this critical stage in development is IDEAL. Do I think you're a bad parent if you didn't stay home with your infant/toddler? Ummmm, no. Not at all! You are probably a lot better at potty training than I am, or a lot better at playing games... I'm not perfect either.

I suppose you could compare it to the whole "breast versus bottle" thing. NO ONE can argue that formula isn't inferior to breastmilk (not even formula companies! They spend all their time trying to figure out a way to market a product to be "as close" to breastmilk as possible!) Yet it's a highly debated issue. But other women willingly choose something that is inferior for their children. We all pick and choose what we think are the most important things to bring to our children's lives to give them the best start possible. If ya chose formula... well.... it wasn't the BEST thing to give to your child but I'm certainly not gonna fault you for it! Me, I let my kid watch too much TV. I know I do. I bust my butt staying on the Dean's List with 15 credit hours of classes and there are many days where she's watched four times as much TV as she's "supposed" to "according to the experts."

If ya wanna know what "experts" I'm referring to... you can start here.

My point is.... I know we all pick and choose what's best. And just because I have come to the conclusion that it's best for a child to spend their early years in the safety and comforting presence of their parent, doesn't mean I don't realize that "ideal" isn't always possible. I don't fault anyone for their choices because only they know what works best for them. And I certainly wouldn't be offended if someone told me they truly believed that a daycare is a better place to let a child go through the stages of "Trust vs. Mistrust" and "Autonomy vs. Shame"... I simply wouldn't agree with them.

I hope that if your feelings were hurt by my original post, that you at least feel better after some clarification.

Disnutt... congratulations on your changing role! I hope you find it rewarding and I am certain your kids will benefit immensely from having you around more! If you don't mind me asking... where are you moving to?

 

[DVCLiz]

I wouldn't be a young mother again for anything...

 

[scraptoons]

Thanks, but I guess I didn't "tiptoe" enough. I didn't read the whole thread before posting. I'm sorry I "ruined" the thread by having a difference of opinion.

Most of you have reacted as if I am an affront to all of womankind. When people get so offended by someone's opinion it tends to make me think that they are not very secure with their own decisions... because if they were, they wouldn't get so up in arms about mine? I'm about as liberal as they get. My focus is Women's Studies in Literature, which I would hope means something in terms of speaking to my support for women. And as an education minor, I happen to have read a whole awful lot of child psychology which supports my statement that PARENTAL ATTACHMENT is very important to a child's development... PARTICULARLY between the ages of birth and three. Someone asked when three became "school age"... Well, where I live, many parents start to send their children to pre-school at age 3. Perhaps where you live it's different?

Now that I have read this whole thread... I'm sorry I wasn't more "cautious" with my opinion. Since when did we live in a world where we all have to "sugar coat" our opinions so as not to offend anyone? I don't think my post was inconsiderate at all. I simply, in a nice way, shared my own opinion. Do we always have to qualify every opinion we share to cover our support for the differences of opinion we have between us? Can't those differences be assumed?

It is MY OPINION, which is based on well-known research and not just pulled out of thin air, that staying at home with my daughter til she reached that "milestone" of going to pre-school was best for her development. I made it clear I was aware of the fact that not everyone has the luxury of staying home with their children... but I still stand by my own (researched) opinion that having ONE parent (I NEVER specified that it couldn't be the dad!) at home with the children through this critical stage in development is IDEAL. Do I think you're a bad parent if you didn't stay home with your infant/toddler? Ummmm, no. Not at all! You are probably a lot better at potty training than I am, or a lot better at playing games... I'm not perfect either.

I suppose you could compare it to the whole "breast versus bottle" thing. NO ONE can argue that formula isn't inferior to breastmilk (not even formula companies! They spend all their time trying to figure out a way to market a product to be "as close" to breastmilk as possible!) Yet it's a highly debated issue. But other women willingly choose something that is inferior for their children. We all pick and choose what we think are the most important things to bring to our children's lives to give them the best start possible. If ya chose formula... well.... it wasn't the BEST thing to give to your child but I'm certainly not gonna fault you for it! Me, I let my kid watch too much TV. I know I do. I bust my butt staying on the Dean's List with 15 credit hours of classes and there are many days where she's watched four times as much TV as she's "supposed" to "according to the experts."

If ya wanna know what "experts" I'm referring to... you can start here.

My point is.... I know we all pick and choose what's best. And just because I have come to the conclusion that it's best for a child to spend their early years in the safety and comforting presence of their parent, doesn't mean I don't realize that "ideal" isn't always possible. I don't fault anyone for their choices because only they know what works best for them. And I certainly wouldn't be offended if someone told me they truly believed that a daycare is a better place to let a child go through the stages of "Trust vs. Mistrust" and "Autonomy vs. Shame"... I simply wouldn't agree with them.

I hope that if your feelings were hurt by my original post, that you at least feel better after some clarification.

Disnutt... congratulations on your changing role! I hope you find it rewarding and I am certain your kids will benefit immensely from having you around more! If you don't mind me asking... where are you moving to?

I'm not exactly sure why, but it seems as if this poster is upset. Usually in my experience, it is the upset tone that indicates insecurity.

Nobody is forcing you to agree with them or sugar coat your own opinions. We are just asking that this particular thread be a support only thread. We are just sharing ideas and tips on how we manage to juggle and make things easier. And share a few laughs along the way.

I am probably going to be flamed.

It is my opinion that all research in the world is not the right thing for my own family, simply because we're not those people that were studied.
Each person has their own unique needs.

I personally don't listen to research or statistics. They seem to change everyday. One time tested truth is that usually parents know what is best for their own child.

If the poster's daughter thrives best by staying at home until she is three, then great!

But that may not be what works for the next child. They don't have cookie cutter personalities.

 

[emma'smom]

It is my opinion that all research in the world is not the right thing for my own family, simply because we're not those people that were studied.
Each person has their own unique needs.

I chuckled at the post that quoted the "stages" right out of the textbooks. When I was doing my doctoral work, I too touted the importance of these stages, until I had my own kids (and took on my own classrooms of young childen) and realized that this "classic research" tells a helpful story, but needs to be reconsidered in the context of the modern family, economy, and overal soceital values. Even the most steadfast research is dated..it serves as a strong knowledge base, but is not the final story. If you look at current research on child development, you will also find that many of those studies that decry day care in support of staying at home lack the variable of income. When controlled for income, many of these effects fall away. In othe r words, the benefits of staying at home vs. daycare are less benefits of the setting inwhich a child is cared for, but more about the economic and education level of parents.

Also, attachment parenting is a great thing...but not exclusive to SAHM's. We practice attachment parenting and I work.

 

[texasthree]

I have been a sahm for 5 years. I have just one son and until the last couple of weeks I have loved loved loved being a sahm. He is driving me insane. My husband is gone away on business for 2 weeks(very normal part of our lives) and my son has begun the questions stage. I think he asked me 5,000 questions today. I cant take it anymore. Its like hes on top of me every single second of the day. I have been sad and depressed about him starting kindergarten this fall but with each day closer to the beginning of school I get happier!!
Thanks for posting this thread, I feel better now!

 

[schlepsnort]

I'm a sahm, I do some freelance work occasionally. I have a 4 yr old, 2 yr old and 4 month old.
Do I count down the days til school starts for my 4 yr old? Heck yeah!
I can't wait for my 2 yr old to go to school, he is the wildest of the three!
SAHM is hard work, mentally and physically!
And I am seriously holding back any comments I have for the poster who felt the need to include the breast vs. bottle comment. Just another person generalizing. How typical.
My way to BARELY survive my sanity is to take breaks. Once in awhile DH gets all three kids and I go out. Either a whole evening to myself to do whatever (usually drinking with a good friend) or even just an hour or so by myself, no kids. It helps, it really really really helps!

 

[beattyfamily]

I'm a sahm, I do some freelance work occasionally. I have a 4 yr old, 2 yr old and 4 month old.
Do I count down the days til school starts for my 4 yr old? Heck yeah!
I can't wait for my 2 yr old to go to school, he is the wildest of the three!
SAHM is hard work, mentally and physically!
And I am seriously holding back any comments I have for the poster who felt the need to include the breast vs. bottle comment. Just another person generalizing. How typical.
My way to BARELY survive my sanity is to take breaks. Once in awhile DH gets all three kids and I go out. Either a whole evening to myself to do whatever (usually drinking with a good friend) or even just an hour or so by myself, no kids. It helps, it really really really helps!

Wow, you do have your hands full with 3 little ones under 5!!

I know I also look forward to back to school and I only have 2 and they're a bit older; 6 1/2 and 10. They constantly fight!!!

Good luck with your sanity!!

 

[va32h]

Most of you have reacted as if I am an affront to all of womankind. When people get so offended by someone's opinion it tends to make me think that they are not very secure with their own decisions... because if they were, they wouldn't get so up in arms about mine? I'm about as liberal as they get. My focus is Women's Studies in Literature, which I would hope means something in terms of speaking to my support for women. And as an education minor, I happen to have read a whole awful lot of child psychology which supports my statement that PARENTAL ATTACHMENT is very important to a child's development... PARTICULARLY between the ages of birth and three.

I am reacting more to your very condescending tone. You are not the only woman who has ever picked up a book on child development. I "happen to have read a whole awful lot of child psychology" too, as have others on this thread, I'm sure. I do not understand why you are suggesting that PARENTAL ATTACHMENT is exclusive to at-home mothers.

Perhaps in exaggerated cases ala TV movies, the vile career mother goes back to work the day after giving birth, leaving her child in the care of a succession of disinterested nannies.

But that is hardly the majority of mothers, and probably not the moms here on the DIS. Working women take maternity leave, they are perfectly capable of bonding with their babies, and forming that attachment, even if they are physically away from the child for several hours a day.

I say again - mothers in those halcyon days of the 40's and 50's, while at home with their children, did not fawn all over their babies all day. I recommend two excellent books "Parents Who Think Too Much" by Anne Cassidy and "Spoiling Childhood" by Deborah (I think) Ehrensaft (she's a child psychologist, that should please you).

Both books talk about changes in childrearing methods - that modern mothers are doing their children a disservice by being overly focused on them, overly focused on charts and developmental stages, and making sure that exactly X amount of Y stimulation is provided at Z intervals.

Mothering is an art, not a science, and all the research in the world isn't going to tell you exactly how to do it right.

Someone asked when three became "school age"... Well, where I live, many parents start to send their children to pre-school at age 3. Perhaps where you live it's different?

Where I live, kindergarten starts at age 5. I stayed home with my oldest until she was 6. Does this make me twice as good a mom as you?

 

[DVCLiz]

I am reacting more to your very condescending tone. You are not the only woman who has ever picked up a book on child development. I "happen to have read a whole awful lot of child psychology" too, as have others on this thread, I'm sure. I do not understand why you are suggesting that PARENTAL ATTACHMENT is exclusive to at-home mothers.

Perhaps in exaggerated cases ala TV movies, the vile career mother goes back to work the day after giving birth, leaving her child in the care of a succession of disinterested nannies.

But that is hardly the majority of mothers, and probably not the moms here on the DIS. Working women take maternity leave, they are perfectly capable of bonding with their babies, and forming that attachment, even if they are physically away from the child for several hours a day.

I say again - mothers in those halcyon days of the 40's and 50's, while at home with their children, did not fawn all over their babies all day. I recommend two excellent books "Parents Who Think Too Much" by Anne Cassidy and "Spoiling Childhood" by Deborah (I think) Ehrensaft (she's a child psychologist, that should please you).

Both books talk about changes in childrearing methods - that modern mothers are doing their children a disservice by being overly focused on them, overly focused on charts and developmental stages, and making sure that exactly X amount of Y stimulation is provided at Z intervals.

Mothering is an art, not a science, and all the research in the world isn't going to tell you exactly how to do it right.



Where I live, kindergarten starts at age 5. I stayed home with my oldest until she was 6. Does this make me twice as good a mom as you?

Yes, it does!!!

And this is an excellent post, btw.

 

[MyZoeJane]

I am reacting more to your very condescending tone. You are not the only woman who has ever picked up a book on child development. I "happen to have read a whole awful lot of child psychology" too, as have others on this thread, I'm sure. I do not understand why you are suggesting that PARENTAL ATTACHMENT is exclusive to at-home mothers.

Perhaps in exaggerated cases ala TV movies, the vile career mother goes back to work the day after giving birth, leaving her child in the care of a succession of disinterested nannies.

But that is hardly the majority of mothers, and probably not the moms here on the DIS. Working women take maternity leave, they are perfectly capable of bonding with their babies, and forming that attachment, even if they are physically away from the child for several hours a day.

I say again - mothers in those halcyon days of the 40's and 50's, while at home with their children, did not fawn all over their babies all day. I recommend two excellent books "Parents Who Think Too Much" by Anne Cassidy and "Spoiling Childhood" by Deborah (I think) Ehrensaft (she's a child psychologist, that should please you).

Both books talk about changes in childrearing methods - that modern mothers are doing their children a disservice by being overly focused on them, overly focused on charts and developmental stages, and making sure that exactly X amount of Y stimulation is provided at Z intervals.

Mothering is an art, not a science, and all the research in the world isn't going to tell you exactly how to do it right.



Where I live, kindergarten starts at age 5. I stayed home with my oldest until she was 6. Does this make me twice as good a mom as you?

Ummm, MY condescending tone? Perhaps you were reading condescention into my post... but in your's it is simply blatantly obvious. I'm perfectly capable of debating a subject without lashing out, making snide comments, or rolling my eyes. You seem so hell bent on proving me wrong and all I have been trying to do is support why I've made the decision I have. I wasn't cuting anyone down. I never claimed to "be the only woman to pick up a book...." and I never claimed that "parental attachment was exclusive to SAHM's".... I merely stated my opinion, supported it with my reasons, and never said I was a better mom than anyone else. I admitted my faults, qualified my belief that everyone is unique, and did so without

But since I can see this is a thread where opinions are only appreciated if they don't take a firm stand one way or another... I'll let the issue be and move on to discussing Disney related things here on the DIS...

"That should please you."

 

[jodifla]

I am reacting more to your very condescending tone. You are not the only woman who has ever picked up a book on child development. I "happen to have read a whole awful lot of child psychology" too, as have others on this thread, I'm sure. I do not understand why you are suggesting that PARENTAL ATTACHMENT is exclusive to at-home mothers.

Perhaps in exaggerated cases ala TV movies, the vile career mother goes back to work the day after giving birth, leaving her child in the care of a succession of disinterested nannies.

But that is hardly the majority of mothers, and probably not the moms here on the DIS. Working women take maternity leave, they are perfectly capable of bonding with their babies, and forming that attachment, even if they are physically away from the child for several hours a day.

I say again - mothers in those halcyon days of the 40's and 50's, while at home with their children, did not fawn all over their babies all day. I recommend two excellent books "Parents Who Think Too Much" by Anne Cassidy and "Spoiling Childhood" by Deborah (I think) Ehrensaft (she's a child psychologist, that should please you).

Both books talk about changes in childrearing methods - that modern mothers are doing their children a disservice by being overly focused on them, overly focused on charts and developmental stages, and making sure that exactly X amount of Y stimulation is provided at Z intervals.

Mothering is an art, not a science, and all the research in the world isn't going to tell you exactly how to do it right.



Where I live, kindergarten starts at age 5. I stayed home with my oldest until she was 6. Does this make me twice as good a mom as you?

Boy, you make some excellent points here. I really love the ones about those "perfect" mothers of the '50s that so many of our generation hold up as the epitome of motherhood.

In reality, those moms tended to have four or five kids, with the OLDER ones looking after the younger ones, and all the kids in the neighborhood playing together all day. I bet the average working mom today spends as much time interacting with her kids as the average mom did in the 50s.