I have to hand it to you SAHMs!!!

[rainy~daze]

I am still trying to figure out which is harder for me. I worked P/T outsdie the home since my son was Born in 2001, (it would have been full time, but my job was terrible and wouldn't flex my schedule hours at all). My daughter was born in 2002, and after my 6 weeks, back to work. I have run my husbands business from the house on my days off and in the evenings, until this past March. We finally found a decent insurance plan we could afford (tough to do when your husband is self employed in a dangerous profession). Well, we took the plunge and I quit my job to run the business fulltime from home and raise the kids. It has been so tough!! Trying to get us on a schedule, I am still working on it. My husband has been very supportive, though, I have heard horror stories of 'well, you're home all day why you complainin???' It is NOT EASY! Between answering calls (with screaming kids in the background), just the screaming kids alone, cleaning, cooking, yada yada yada! It feels good to know I am not the only person in the world who fells like she is going nuts on a daily basis! Having been on both sides of the work or not work, there is no easy answer. It is difficult no matter what. And to all of you moms out there, SAHM or not.... Yours is the most difficult job in the world!!! I am so glad I found these boards, and have found I am not alone, not in my distressing moments at home, or my crazy sick devotion to that funny little mouse!!

 

[MyZoeJane]

I figure it is my responsibility to stay home with my daughter at the age she is at. She's 2.5 and sure, it's pretty darned tough at times... but that's part of the package deal when you decide to have kids, IMHO. It's a responsibility that really ought not be passed off to some daycare provider if it can be helped. (Obviously, some people choose to have kids even though they are in a financial situation that does not afford one parent the option to actually be with them full time.)

I happen the believe that children under school age (3) really need to be near at least one parent most of the time in order to develop a healthy and quality attachment (according to Erikson this attachment is crucial to this stage of their development). Maybe I've read too many child development books, though. Something dramatic changed in "our" children when women took off for the work place in the 60's. (Don't get me wrong, I'm all about having a career! I'm currently finishing my teaching certificate and will start teaching high school English next Fall.)


Anyway, I'm not looking to get flamed... but being a "SAHM", just seems like the obvious thing to do when children are small. I know it's a sensitive subject, though. Women who work out of the home often have a hard time leaving their kids in daycare... they just don't have a choice.

To each their own, though. I wouldn't trade these precious early years with my child for anything... It'd kill me if someone else was there for more of their waking hours than I was....

 

[sara74]

Sorry ZoeJane, but I am going to unsubscribe from this thread after your post. What was so nice about this thread for the first few pages was the lack of posts like yours.

I just wrote, and then deleted, a long post about how your choice is good for you and mine for me and how great my kids are even for being in daycare part time....blah, blah, blah. I shouldn't bother. You've already judged me and the rest of us who choose to work, or chose to have kids when they can't afford to make it on just one income. For the record, I choose to work and being away from my kids for 30 hours a week hasn't killed any of us yet. But if I was working without a choice, like so many are, I would be deeply hurt by your post.

It was nice to have a working/staying home thread that was non judgemental while it lasted.

 

[DVCLiz]

And here we go...

Some SAHMs - in fact, almost all of the ones who have posted on this thread so far, have an open mind and a healthy sense of "what works for you is what you should do." But there is always, and I mean always, one who simply cannot RESIST throwing the gasoline on the fire. I've found them to be more and more tiresome the older I've gotten, and I'm pleased to see that their children don't grow up to be any different from anyone else's.

So there.

 

[scraptoons]

This is a support thread rather than a debate thread. We all have our reasons for staying at home or working. There were no right or wrong discussions going on here.

In a perfect world, we would all stay at home to play with our children while the chef makes our lunch and the maid is cleaning the house.
Then when the kids (or ourselves) get cranky, we just hand them over to the nanny to put them down for a nap.
And our husbands (who provide large incomes for us to spend at our delight) come home for a long lunch with flowers and chocolates.
They sweep us up in their arms and talk of our radiant beauty.
The butler answers all the phone calls and runs the errands.
And when the children rise from their naps, they call us blessed. We laugh and read books together. After a few hours of training our children in the way they should go, we send them along to the playroom with their nanny while we relax in our bubble baths.

Right, Moms? NOT! Dream on. Lucky for those who actually live it. Good for them.

 

[ladyelle]

I have been a stay at home mom for 8 years. I have five children (twins - 8 and triplets - 6) This job as full-time mom has been really tough and I never thought I would stay home. I always wanted to work; however, once I had the twins I couldn't leave them. Eight years later I am now exhausted mentally and physically and my house is not clean and I don't cook very much. I have had severe and chronic migranes and veritigo for almost 6 years ever since the triplets were born. I am postive it would have been easier to go to work. And I worked a stressful job working many long hours with lots of deadlines and I did not get migranes or veritigo.

I don't think that it gets easier as the kids get older. I am now at a point where my kids are school age and I am thinking that I may want to go back to work. I have a college degree in accounting and business administration and attended college for my MBA. I worked for almost ten years before having kids. I was thinking of eventually doing temp accounting work while the kids are in school. My schedule has to be flexible for sick days, school vacation days and summers off. It would be nice to have a balance. I do work a few hours a week at home doing insurance work for my in-laws. I may just increase my hours and decide that to work at home is the best thing for me and my family right now.

Thanks for listening.

 

[noodleknitter]

This is a support thread rather than a debate thread. We all have our reasons for staying at home or working. There were no right or wrong discussions going on here.

In a perfect world, we would all stay at home to play with our children while the chef makes our lunch and the maid is cleaning the house.
Then when the kids (or ourselves) get cranky, we just hand them over to the nanny to put them down for a nap.
And our husbands (who provide large incomes for us to spend at our delight) come home for a long lunch with flowers and chocolates.
They sweep us up in their arms and talk of our radiant beauty.
The butler answers all the phone calls and runs the errands.
And when the children rise from their naps, they call us blessed. We laugh and read books together. After a few hours of training our children in the way they should go, we send them along to the playroom with their nanny while we relax in our bubble baths.

Right, Moms? NOT! Dream on. Lucky for those who actually live it. Good for them.

I want to live in this world...

Unfortunately, life and its choices are not quite that easy!

 

[beattyfamily]

How did this support/advice thread turn into a debate? There have been posts on both sides of the subject that just aren't necessary and contribute to the debate.

I just don't get it. It's unbelievable and sad.

 

[belle&beast]

I started this thread to get advice from SAHMs about how they do their VERY DIFFICULT job! It has become a supportive thread with lots of stories and laughs and good ideas. Let's not let one poster spoil it for the rest of us. We all make the choice that is right for our families and NOBODY has the right to judge our decisions. I for one have enjoyed reading the posts and have learned I am not alone in my endeavors to be the best mom I can be. Let's keep it positive!

 

[DVC Sadie]

And here we go...

Some SAHMs - in fact, almost all of the ones who have posted on this thread so far, have an open mind and a healthy sense of "what works for you is what you should do." But there is always, and I mean always, one who simply cannot RESIST throwing the gasoline on the fire. I've found them to be more and more tiresome the older I've gotten, and I'm pleased to see that their children don't grow up to be any different from anyone else's.

So there.

ITA! The poster you are referring to seems to want to turn a wonderful adult conversation into a full blown "mommy war".

There are no easy answers, for if it was, parenting would not be so hard.

I was in a different situation due to being in the Air Force and having no choice but to work after we had a child. For some reason the military frowns on just quitting to have a baby.

I find the most judgemental parents are the ones who don't have to work who enjoy putting down the moms who have no choice (due to circumstances) but to work for the welfare of their family. Not all but some.

 

[DVCLiz]

Well, if anyone wants to be a little more judgemental, I've just sent my older DD17 off with her Dad and stepmother (broken home) for a week while younger DD12 is away at camp for three weeks (letting others raise child; missing important milestones while selfishly having free time) and I have six whole days to do nothing but indulge myself. And I'm going to do it again later in the summer when they both go to the beach with their Dad (see above re: broken home) for a week. Wooo Hooooo!! What kind of a mother would do THAT???

 

[DVCLiz]

I have been a stay at home mom for 8 years. I have five children (twins - 8 and triplets - 6) This job as full-time mom has been really tough and I never thought I would stay home. I always wanted to work; however, once I had the twins I couldn't leave them. Eight years later I am now exhausted mentally and physically and my house is not clean and I don't cook very much. I have had severe and chronic migranes and veritigo for almost 6 years ever since the triplets were born. I am postive it would have been easier to go to work. And I worked a stressful job working many long hours with lots of deadlines and I did not get migranes or veritigo.

I don't think that it gets easier as the kids get older. I am now at a point where my kids are school age and I am thinking that I may want to go back to work. I have a college degree in accounting and business administration and attended college for my MBA. I worked for almost ten years before having kids. I was thinking of eventually doing temp accounting work while the kids are in school. My schedule has to be flexible for sick days, school vacation days and summers off. It would be nice to have a balance. I do work a few hours a week at home doing insurance work for my in-laws. I may just increase my hours and decide that to work at home is the best thing for me and my family right now.

Thanks for listening.

ladyelle, it really does get easier - you just aren't quite there yet!!!!

I was a working mom for twenty years, so all of my pregnancy, childbirth, infant, toddler, preschool, and early school age years were spent juggling a fulltime job, and my hours were 9 - 6, so by the time I left work, picked up children from daycare or my mom's, and got home, it was 7 and we still had the whole evening routine to go through). Those were by far my toughest years. Add in an unsupportive spouse who was reconsidering the whole responsibility/earn a living thing, and it was super tough. In contrast, my stay at home years have been with children who are both school age, and it has gotten easier every year. I don't mean it's a breeze to parent older children - they come with their own issues and demands. But I really do think it's easier to deal with them from an emotioanl standpoint when there's less driving them places and helping them through the pre-teen angst they usually hit, etc. At least it has been easier at my house. Of course, now I'm divorced and I get to run my own show entirely, so maybe I just think it's easier because I have one less problem to deal with!!!!

 

[noodleknitter]

Well, if anyone wants to be a little more judgemental, I've just sent my older DD17 off with her Dad and stepmother (broken home) for a week while younger DD12 is away at camp for three weeks (letting others raise child; missing important milestones while selfishly having free time) and I have six whole days to do nothing but indulge myself. And I'm going to do it again later in the summer when they both go to the beach with their Dad (see above re: broken home) for a week. Wooo Hooooo!! What kind of a mother would do THAT???

My mom use to LIVE for the 2 weeks each summer we spent at Dad's. He lived too far to visit except those weeks, so she was on her own the rest of the year. Luckily she settled here where there were two sets of grandparents, and they took us most wknds, so that she could work.

I hope you have grand plans for yourself this week, even if it is just a stack of books!

 

[justkeepswimmin]

I have enjoyed reading all the thoughtful posts on this site and am encouraged that there actually are open minded people on both sides of this issue.

What we all have in common is the most important of all things: We are mothers. And as moms, we should be united in making things better for our daughters.

I highly reccommend the book "The Price of Motherhood" by Ann Crittenden. It has eye opening information for both SAHM and working moms and while some may argue her bias leans slightly toward SAHM I think the main point of her book is that while the womans movement had success in opening the doors for women in male dominated industries it has not been successful at liberating women as mothers. What I mean by that is "mothering" or even jobs that call to a womans natural, nurturing tendencies (ie teaching, nursing) are not properly valued in the way that counts most in this society-financially. Those that do go into traditionally male dominated industires still have to play by the rules that have been in place for men for decades and do NOT account for a woman's need to balance her role as a mother with her job. These archaic standards for "getting ahead" hurt men too, who are now starting to be more active participants in their households. My point is we should ALL be on the same side here, no matter what our choices are.

To OP, sounds like you are doing great and reaching out for support from fellow mothers is a wonderful way to get perspective. The number of responses you have received shows how eager we all our to reach out to each other and engage in a thoughtful discussion not through the labels that seek to divide us but as mothers.

 

[sbpuckett]

I figure it is my responsibility to stay home with my daughter at the age she is at. She's 2.5 and sure, it's pretty darned tough at times... but that's part of the package deal when you decide to have kids, IMHO. It's a responsibility that really ought not be passed off to some daycare provider if it can be helped. (Obviously, some people choose to have kids even though they are in a financial situation that does not afford one parent the option to actually be with them full time.)

I happen the believe that children under school age (3) really need to be near at least one parent most of the time in order to develop a healthy and quality attachment (according to Erikson this attachment is crucial to this stage of their development). Maybe I've read too many child development books, though. Something dramatic changed in "our" children when women took off for the work place in the 60's. (Don't get me wrong, I'm all about having a career! I'm currently finishing my teaching certificate and will start teaching high school English next Fall.)


Anyway, I'm not looking to get flamed... but being a "SAHM", just seems like the obvious thing to do when children are small. I know it's a sensitive subject, though. Women who work out of the home often have a hard time leaving their kids in daycare... they just don't have a choice.

To each their own, though. I wouldn't trade these precious early years with my child for anything... It'd kill me if someone else was there for more of their waking hours than I was....

OK, I have to add something here. I think it's very unfair to point fingers and say that it's every woman's responsibility to stay at home with their kids. What about single moms? It's certainly not for you to say who should and shouldn't stay home... I am a SAHM and I love it. However, I have been a working mom as well. I feel blessed to be able to stay home with my boys but also know that not every mom wants or is able to do so. Does that make them unfit? Does that make me (us) better than them? NO! Just for the record - both of my parents worked my entire life. They were at home with us on the weekends and my mom was home with us 2 weeks a year on her vacation. That was it, but I was still very close to my parents. I have 2 sisters and none of the 3 of us ever caused any problems. They taught us right from wrong, they taught us to make good decisions (not that we didn't make any mistakes), and we all three turned out pretty good. We had several different babysitters over the years, some good - some bad. I just don't think it's fair to say that it's someones responsibility to stay home. It is a mothers responsibility to teach their child morals, to love and care for them, to make sure they receive the basic necessities. You don't have to stay home to provide those things, working moms just have to work harder at those things. I truly wish all of the finger pointing and judgements would stop and everyone would just accept accept that there are some of us who want/ are able to stay at home while there is also a large number of women who want/ have to work. It doesn't mean that SAHM's love their children more or that working moms love their children less...

I'd be interested to see if your thoughts change once you're in the working world. As a former HS English teacher I can tell you that you're going to be amazed at the various parenting styles you will encounter. Good luck with that...

 

[emma'smom]

Well...I think my kids are fabulous (even though they go to day care) and that's all that matters. They are bright, confident children. I choose to work. My husband's salary could support our family just fine. I'm proud of my professional accomplishments and I hope my daughters will see pursuing a career that interests them as a viable option (just as I hope they see choosing to stay at home with their own children as another). I want my children to be passionate about what they do with their lives....whatever they choose to do. I want to set this example for them and to model open-mindedness toward others as well.

 

[va32h]

I figure it is my responsibility to stay home with my daughter at the age she is at. She's 2.5 and sure, it's pretty darned tough at times... but that's part of the package deal when you decide to have kids, IMHO. It's a responsibility that really ought not be passed off to some daycare provider if it can be helped. (Obviously, some people choose to have kids even though they are in a financial situation that does not afford one parent the option to actually be with them full time.)

I happen the believe that children under school age (3) really need to be near at least one parent most of the time in order to develop a healthy and quality attachment (according to Erikson this attachment is crucial to this stage of their development). Maybe I've read too many child development books, though. Something dramatic changed in "our" children when women took off for the work place in the 60's. (Don't get me wrong, I'm all about having a career! I'm currently finishing my teaching certificate and will start teaching high school English next Fall.)

Anyway, I'm not looking to get flamed... but being a "SAHM", just seems like the obvious thing to do when children are small. I know it's a sensitive subject, though. Women who work out of the home often have a hard time leaving their kids in daycare... they just don't have a choice.

To each their own, though. I wouldn't trade these precious early years with my child for anything... It'd kill me if someone else was there for more of their waking hours than I was....

Oh man, where do I start? First off, since when is 3 school age? Three is still plenty young enough to need your mommy, so don't break your arm patting yourself on the back for staying home for a whole three years.

Second, those golden years pre "our mothers took off for work" that you are so nostalgic for weren't that golden. In every generation, mothers have worked. Taking in laundry or mending, housecleaning, working night shifts. My grandmother was a "stay-at-home" mom in the 30's and she worked in a school cafeteria for two hours a day. My mom was a stay-at-home mom in the 60's and 70's and she sold Avon door to door, pulling me along in a little red wagon.

Even moms who were at home all the time weren't devoting their hours to child development and welfare. There was housecleaning to be done - and without our many modern conveniences, housecleaning 50 years ago took a bit more work. Children might be told to "go outside and play" for much of the day. So while the mother might be at home physically, she was not necessarily in a better position to nurture and enrich her child.

Third, you leave out the role of the father entirely. In traditional families, the father agrees to financially support the family while the mother says home with the children. What happens when the father is no longer willing or able to fulfull his role?

Fourth, you leave out the role of the extended family, entirely. Children can receive love and nurturing from people other than their mothers, believe it or not! Many children whose mothers work are cared for my grandmothers, aunts, or other relatives. And indeed, this is how child-rearing was conducted for generations. Even the most devoted stay at home mothers in the 1950's did not spend every waking moment with their children.

I could say a lot more - I could tell you that my mother, who "stayed home" for a total of 23 years raising her kids, is now virtually homeless, because she did have enough years to earn a substantial retirement income.

I could point out the irony of raising our daughters to believe they can become anything they want, while simultaneously declaring that the best thing a woman can do is stay home with her kids.

But I have to comment on this:

I wouldn't trade these precious early years with my child for anything... It'd kill me if someone else was there for more of their waking hours than I was....[/

This sounds like something first-time moms say. Well guess what - every year is precious. They will need you as much at ten as they do at one, just in different ways. In fact, they may need you more, since you won't have as much control over their little world as you used to . You cannot ensure a good life for your child by staying home for the first three years, or the first six, or even all 18.

There is never a perfect time to go back to work. Mothering is all about making choices, making the best choices you can.

All other things being equal, is a child best served by a parent being at home with them? Yes. But all things are not equal.

 

[disneyjunkie]

Oh man, where do I start? First off, since when is 3 school age? Three is still plenty young enough to need your mommy, so don't break your arm patting yourself on the back for staying home for a whole three years.

Second, those golden years pre "our mothers took off for work" that you are so nostalgic for weren't that golden. In every generation, mothers have worked. Taking in laundry or mending, housecleaning, working night shifts. My grandmother was a "stay-at-home" mom in the 30's and she worked in a school cafeteria for two hours a day. My mom was a stay-at-home mom in the 60's and 70's and she sold Avon door to door, pulling me along in a little red wagon.

Even moms who were at home all the time weren't devoting their hours to child development and welfare. There was housecleaning to be done - and without our many modern conveniences, housecleaning 50 years ago took a bit more work. Children might be told to "go outside and play" for much of the day. So while the mother might be at home physically, she was not necessarily in a better position to nurture and enrich her child.

Third, you leave out the role of the father entirely. In traditional families, the father agrees to financially support the family while the mother says home with the children. What happens when the father is no longer willing or able to fulfull his role?

Fourth, you leave out the role of the extended family, entirely. Children can receive love and nurturing from people other than their mothers, believe it or not! Many children whose mothers work are cared for my grandmothers, aunts, or other relatives. And indeed, this is how child-rearing was conducted for generations. Even the most devoted stay at home mothers in the 1950's did not spend every waking moment with their children.

I could say a lot more - I could tell you that my mother, who "stayed home" for a total of 23 years raising her kids, is now virtually homeless, because she did have enough years to earn a substantial retirement income.

I could point out the irony of raising our daughters to believe they can become anything they want, while simultaneously declaring that the best thing a woman can do is stay home with her kids.

But I have to comment on this:


This sounds like something first-time moms say. Well guess what - every year is precious. They will need you as much at ten as they do at one, just in different ways. In fact, they may need you more, since you won't have as much control over their little world as you used to . You cannot ensure a good life for your child by staying home for the first three years, or the first six, or even all 18.

There is never a perfect time to go back to work. Mothering is all about making choices, making the best choices you can.

All other things being equal, is a child best served by a parent being at home with them? Yes. But all things are not equal.

 

[Alex2kMommy]

Well...I think my kids are fabulous (even though they go to day care) and that's all that matters. They are bright, confident children. I choose to work. My husband's salary could support our family just fine. I'm proud of my professional accomplishments and I hope my daughters will see pursuing a career that interests them as a viable option (just as I hope they see choosing to stay at home with their own children as another). I want my children to be passionate about what they do with their lives....whatever they choose to do. I want to set this example for them and to model open-mindedness toward others as well.

Thank you for this post. I really appreciate your ability to raise fabulous children and pursue an outside career about which you are passionate. And to encourage them to see and appreciate other families' choices as well. You go, girl!

 

[mjantz]

I could say a lot more - I could tell you that my mother, who "stayed home" for a total of 23 years raising her kids, is now virtually homeless, because she did have enough years to earn a substantial retirement income.

This is why I started working the little bit I did when my kids were 1YO (12-15hours/week at a Parents Day Out[my kids went with me]). I've seen too many women of my grandmothers & MILs generation who never worked a day out of the home (but did work very hard in the home) who are now struggling because AFA Social Security is concerned, they did nothing for those years they raised children & maintained a household. I'm very concerned about certain female family members who could very easily end up in the situation you mention.
I am now looking for a full-time job & will be putting every penny allowed into my retirement account.

AFA working versus staying home, I've known horrid SAHMs & wonderful working parents. And, just to mention, one of my friends has a teen-age son & says she at times wishes she was back to when he was 3YO & most things could be solved in 5 mintues with a hug, kiss & possibly a band-aid.