I have been engaged for 4 years....

[minkydog]

DH and I had planned on getting married in November 1998. In July of that year, he had some dear friends of his visiting him and I asked if they would be able to come back in a few months to our wedding. When he told me they wouldn't, I got a little upset as they were like family to him. He suggested that since they wouldn't be able to come back, why didn't we get married that day. It was 1:00am and I had to go to work 6 hours later. I agreed and went to work while DH made the plans. My 16 yo DD made the wedding cake for us, DH made reservations for dinner for 10 of us after the wedding and he went out shopping for my wedding ring and a new shirt for himself. By the time I got off work at 4:00pm, he had everything ready. I had to change clothes in the employee bathroom. We walked three blocks to the marriage license bureau and then walked across the street to the JOP. We had a lovely little ceremony surrounded by the family and friends we loved.

While it was not the wedding that I was planning, it was the wedding with the man I loved and the marriage has lasted almost 13 years.

I think this is the best story so far. You guys got it right!

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

Op- You need to get over the his parents won't be there idea. MANY people are seperated from their family. People don't get along and thus aren't invited to weddings or parties. You don't need a lot of money if you're willing to see that the wedding is for you and DF and that is all.

 

[cm8]

But marriage isn't about what kind of wedding you had. the whole purpose of being engaged is to later get married, to live as husband and wife. I myself had the JOP perform our ceremony where we lived. Life is too short for not what you had in mind, you never know what may happen.

:

 

[mhawk4]

Sorry!

 

[MrsPete]

Why does it have to be "do you want a wedding or a marriage"? Can't someone want BOTH?

Yes, certainly someone can want both . . . But in this case, it seems that the money just isn't there. Wanting is one thing. Affording is another thing.

 

[MrsPete]

My parents would never have forgiven me if I got married without them. I now understand the OPs position.

And yes, I wanted a real wedding AND the marriage. I compromised and got married on a Monday and we were just barely able to afford Disneyland's low budget offering for that day. They don't offer it any longer and that's a shame. But, our families were there.

Maybe you need to sit down with your parents (conference call!) and your future husband and discuss the issues of his parents. Maybe they will decide that you getting married alone is best. Maybe they won't. But, if he's the right guy, get married. Yours is just going to take a little extra effort. Maybe your future husband needs to alert your parents to how his family will be and your parents will take it in stride and help support you on your day.

I wanted a wedding too, but I also wanted a house and other things. The possibility of having them all BIG AND IN STYLE just wan't there. So we had the small wedding. 20 years later, it was absolutely the right choice.

 

[tlbwriter]

And furthermore.....and this is true irony here.....

Your DF is still under the control of this woman through YOU!!!!!!!

Please set him free of her.

This is a very good point.

 

[bellebud]

you must, must, must get over his parents - he's decided he doesn't want them there. You should honestly be relieved. Can you guys get married somewhere mid-way between where you guys live and your parents live? Just do it!!! Life it too short! Are you on the same continent as your parents?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

This is a very good point.

Isn't it? My MIL is schizophrenic and believe me early on I tried to "force" a relationship because afterall kids are supposed to do stuff with family and keep in touch despite everything else.

Well, I learned one day that my dh had to do things on his terms with his mom. He would get MAD at me for trying to push things.

So I dropped it and let him do "his family" and I just would support him.

So now 20yrs later in hindsight, duh, being supportive in a relationship is what counts. Do I agree with everything he does? No, but guess what, he doesn't agree with everything I do either.

Now I will admit that I put a bug in DH's ear to go see his sperm donor father, I just feel "it is time". Whether we do or not remains to be seen but I did suggest it and not push it.

 

[2disneyboys]

Don't start your marriage by letting family issues stop you from happiness and what you both want. Family issues will ALWAYS be there in one form or another. I agree w/ all the other persons... in my marriage I deal w/ my family & DH deals with his. We both love our inlaws but we also recoginze that ultimately, I am my mom's daugher and he is his moms son. enough said. and the legal points about your rights is a very very vaild point. If something happend to him, do you want to be at the mercy of his crazy mother for the choices she makes on his care and your access to him? Not married = not allowed to even see him if the legal family members won't allow it and he is not able to speak for himself. The thought of not being able to be in the hospital room w/ my dh simply because of a LEGAL peice of paper would send me into such a panic I would go out that AFTERNOON and drag his bottom to the JOP and just make it happen..


My brother and his wife were in similar situation. My SIL family is *NUTS* and my brother felt it was wrong to have a wedding etc w/o both families at least being invited. my SIL did not want to invite her mother (similar reasons as you have indicated for your DBF) add to that money concerns, and they were at a standstill. Finally, they ended up getting married in a very small cermony @ our church (her parents were not there) and then they came back to our house for a receiption with about 25 friends joining the approx 20 familes members who had been @ the church. SIL addressed the wedding the next week w/ her mother, who was not happy but did get over it.

If you are really concerned with not hurting his family's feelings, I would go with the suggestion to go to where your parents live and have a small cermony/recption there. then when he discussed w/ his parents, it can actually be made to come across as your family did this for you (regardless of if your family really did or not) people don't have to know the WHOLE truth.

forgot to add - Good Luck with what you do and remember that your love is the most important part and guest of the day!

 

[SC Minnie]

OP, if you are still reading this thread, have you two gone to premarital counseling yet? It may help having a neutral 3rd party talk to you both about all this.

When DH and I got married the minister wouldn't marry us until we went through several weeks of counseling with him. He brought upt a number of topics we had never talked about and helped us find some middle ground and see things from different perspectives.

 

[scrapquitler]

No wedding yet. No money for a wedding. There is always going to be something else that needs to be paid for. Everytime we start to save up or plan something, something goes wrong (lay off, car accident, house fire) I just feel like something is always pushing it to the backburner and its never going to happen. All out wedding dates keep passing me by. DF keeps saying next year, next year, but well enough is enough. I am officially having a pity party today.

And yes we can go to the courthouse, but well, not what I had in mind.

Well, there's probably never going to be enough extra money unless you win the lotto, someone rich dies and leaves you a bunch of extra money or you compromise ont he type of wedding.


It seems like it's going to come down to what's more important to you: the marriage or the wedding. And then you have to make a plan from there. And you need to remember, its not an all or nothing, you don't have to decide between 'the courthouse' and a big elaborate wedding...there are tons of variations in between at a huge variety of price points. And theres no reason why you couldn't do a small ceremony (yes even the courthouse) NOW and plan for a bigger party later.

If you are already living together, and what you care most about is being married, then just do it and have some kind of party later (or even a big vow renewal with the whole ceremony on your 1st, 5th anniversary or when its convenient).

On the other hand, its been 4 years, your fiance is not pushing you to 'lets get married' maybe he's not that into the marriage part?

I think you guys need to sit down and have a frank honest discussion about this.

 

[scrapquitler]

All I want is a small wedding immediate family only. Problem is we live far from our families so even a small wedding is an expense. DF wants to go to the courthouse. I want my parents there, he doesnt want his there. This is the real problem. You cant invite my fam and not his.

I think his fam is the real issue, the expense is just an excuse. I want my parents there, that is what i dont want to compromise on. His mother is bipolar (mostly not taking her meds) and there is always big drama with weddings & holidays.

Wow now that it is in writing it is more clear.

I am just feeling sad.

Okay, before I answered before I read followup posts. Now that I read this, I'll ammend my previous answer:

Okay, so travel to where YOUR parents are, have the wedding with your parents, and keep it simple. Don't invite his parents, he doesn't want them there anyway. Later, have a party and a renewal ceremony with his parents at some point if his mom is stable enough to deal with it.