I have been engaged for 4 years....

[Hannathy]

All I want is a small wedding immediate family only. Problem is we live far from our families so even a small wedding is an expense. DF wants to go to the courthouse. I want my parents there, he doesnt want his there. This is the real problem. You cant invite my fam and not his.

I think his fam is the real issue, the expense is just an excuse. I want my parents there, that is what i dont want to compromise on. His mother is bipolar (mostly not taking her meds) and there is always big drama with weddings & holidays.

Wow not that it is in writing it is more clear.

Your parents can be at the courthouse.

Get married at the courthouse with your parents there and then go out to dinner. His parents don't have to be there if he doesn't want them to be. He is an adult and can decide that.

There problem solved.

 

[Agri]

Why not get married and then have the wedding later?

If you keep looking for excuses, you'll keep finding them. If its important to be his wife, go to the courthouse. If not, you need to re-evaluate.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Just saw your edit about your fiance's mom. Could he sit down with her and gently tell her that he wants her to be there, but only if she's taking her meds? I would think two outcomes would be that she'd agree (problem solved) or that she'd blow up and tell him to get out, she wouldn't want to be there anyway (problem solved).

 

[RainbowBrite]

No wedding yet. No money for a wedding. There is always going to be something else that needs to be paid for. Everytime we start to save up or plan something, something goes wrong (lay off, car accident, house fire) I just feel like something is always pushing it to the backburner and its never going to happen. All out wedding dates keep passing me by. DF keeps saying next year, next year, but well enough is enough. I am officially having a pity party today.

And yes we can go to the courthouse, but well, not what I had in mind.

If we can do it, anyone can do it! My wife had to move back home from an out of state college without finishing because she had a medical problem that left her unable to work for a few months. She never ended up going back because we wanted to get married and I couldn't move to Florida. Her credits weren't transferable so she couldn't finish here. She finally found a job and we moved in with 6 other roommates just so we could live together. She had zero savings and I didn't have much either.

We managed to throw together a beautiful wedding on a very small budget! Check Craigslist.com. We found someone who wanted to become a wedding planner who was offering to do our wedding for free for experience. We found an amateur DJ and a pregnant graphic designer on bedrest who wanted to make a little extra cash by designing our invitations. We made the flower arrangements out of silk flowers, made the centerpieces and the bows for the rows of chairs at the ceremony. We found a friend of the family who made cakes (she was only 16 years old!) for fun and did our cake for us, it turned out beautiful.

In the end everyone thought we spent a lot on our wedding because it turned out beautifully. It really was a bare bones budget, though. The key is to DIY!

 

[Handbag Lady]

My parents would never have forgiven me if I got married without them. I now understand the OPs position.

And yes, I wanted a real wedding AND the marriage. I compromised and got married on a Monday and we were just barely able to afford Disneyland's low budget offering for that day. They don't offer it any longer and that's a shame. But, our families were there.

Maybe you need to sit down with your parents (conference call!) and your future husband and discuss the issues of his parents. Maybe they will decide that you getting married alone is best. Maybe they won't. But, if he's the right guy, get married. Yours is just going to take a little extra effort. Maybe your future husband needs to alert your parents to how his family will be and your parents will take it in stride and help support you on your day.

 

[manning]

All I want is a small wedding immediate family only. Problem is we live far from our families so even a small wedding is an expense. DF wants to go to the courthouse. I want my parents there, he doesnt want his there. This is the real problem. You cant invite my fam and not his.

I think his fam is the real issue, the expense is just an excuse. I want my parents there, that is what i dont want to compromise on. His mother is bipolar (mostly not taking her meds) and there is always big drama with weddings & holidays.

Wow now that it is in writing it is more clear.

I am just feeling sad.

He has a choice to make........You or his parents!!!

Simple as that!!!!

 

[NotUrsula]

He has a choice to make........You or his parents!!!

Simple as that!!!!

Um, the way I read it, he DID make the choice, and he chose her. She's the one holding out for the presence of his parents.

OP, here is something that you need to learn to accept if you want to be happy: your spouse's relationship with his parents is NOT your responsibility to maintain, and it never will be. If he chooses not to have them in his life, then you need to accept that and let it be.

The only time that that relationship would be your business to interfere with would be if his parents were overly dependent on him or overly controlling of him, to a degree that came at a financial and emotional cost to you or any children you might have together. If that were the case then you would be within your rights to set limits to protect the interests of yourself and your children.

 

[bellebud]

4 years and lots and lots and lots of excuses.

something's not 'right' somewhere. only you two can figure out where.

how come only a courthouse? you can get a judge or someone to come to a lovely town park, or a local lake, or my favorite, the beach!

honestly, the bigger the wedding, the bigger the headache! And with how you're describing his mom, forget it!! Can you imagine her showing up at your expensive, huge wedding, not on her meds, and ruining things for you after all your work and money? I personally would not chance it.

I'd do something lovely, small, on the beach (or something similar), invite those who are "in" your lives, and that's it. Money doesn't have to be an issue for a beautiful, meaning-filled wedding.

 

[pilesoflaundry]

I would not want his mother or family there by the sounds of it. I would go ahead and do it without his parents. I would rather have drama later that I can avoid, than have drama on my special day by having them there.

 

[Hannathy]

He has a choice to make........You or his parents!!!

Simple as that!!!!

I don't understand this?

He said lets go get married, invite your folks if you want to , I don't want to invite mine. To me it isn't her business to tell him he has to have them there.

Sounds to me like he would get married next week, it is SHE who is coming up with excuses.

 

[taximomfor4]

We ended up choosing what was most important to us...a big to-do of a wedding, or being married sooner. We chose the simple wedding. Not even in a church (although we did have a private ceremony later with the priest, since dh is Catholic).

For our reception, we knocked our list down to parents, siblings, their spouses, 30 other guests TOTAL. I chose cousins + spouses, DH chose best friends + spouses. We arranged with a decent restaurant to let us customize a menu, and keep an hors d'oeuvre table going. Also wine and beer available, plus people could order mixed drinks and run a tab. Basically, we took 50 people out to dinner for our reception. Cost about $2,000 total. No dancing, except for those of us who headed over to a local bar afterward, lol. Worked for us because most of the "typical" reception stuff is not my thing and I do NOT like the spotlight.

For our honeymoon, we spent one night in a local hotel's honeymoon suite and watched the superbowl.

Not everyone's dream wedding (even mine), but I don't regret it. I don't have the lovely pix others do, but we kept our money for other things. Overall, I like what we did.

 

[Syrreal]

I can see your DF's pov. When DH and I got engaged, I told him flat out that my dad was not going to be there. It wasn't because he didn't like my choice for a husband, he just wasn't going to go and I didn't want him there to make my wedding annoyingly miserable. It's his wedding too, and you should respect his request. It's his family to deal with. You can definitely have your family there if you want them to be there.

We actually eloped but had a small faux ceremony at DH's mom's backyard so that our friends and family could see us all dressed up and then we went out to dinner. Then we had our official wedding (I guess technically you call it a WeddingMoon) at Sandals in Jamaica. It wasn't huge, or the dream wedding for either of us, but it was perfect.

 

[castleview]

Take a vacation near or far and get married there. Just the two of you.

 

[stinkerbelle's mom]

All I want is a small wedding immediate family only. Problem is we live far from our families so even a small wedding is an expense. DF wants to go to the courthouse. I want my parents there, he doesnt want his there. This is the real problem. You cant invite my fam and not his.

I think his fam is the real issue, the expense is just an excuse. I want my parents there, that is what i dont want to compromise on. His mother is bipolar (mostly not taking her meds) and there is always big drama with weddings & holidays.

Wow now that it is in writing it is more clear.

I am just feeling sad.

Hmm why not fly in where your parents live and elope there. That way you get the small wedding you wanted with your family and his isn't there. After 4 years it will be a total surprise to everyone. You can always visit his family on the way home... even if it's out of the way... to make up for the surprise wedding they missed. When you get home have a big party to celebrate with friends.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

I understand wanting a party (big or small). I understand the issues of the family, and I know that kind of thing can be difficult. But there are serious concerns here aside from questions of whether or not someone gets to have a nice wedding day, or whether someone's parents are put out. As usual, I can't help but focus on the legal reasons for marriage, and the impact they may have on a seriously committed unmarried couple.

Think on it this way, what if your DF was in a horrible car accident tomorrow. I know, that's an awful thing to think, but consider it for a moment. He's in the hospital, in intensive care. You call his family in from wherever they are because it's really serious...and you can't make any medical decisions for him. Whether you'll be allowed to even see him is in question. You're sitting in the waiting room absolutely horrified at how things have turned out when it occurs to you that (I am assuming you are young) you don't have wills made out. As a result, in the event your DF dies from his injuries, you have absolutely no control over how the money and property accumulated by the man you've devoted over 4 years of your life to will be distributed. That'll be done by a probate court, who will disburse it all amongst his family members (read: not you).

Now I know that this is a crazy hypothetical, and its a million to one chance that any part of it would occur before you managed to get enough money/time/whatever to actually marry your DF, but the point it that it is a possibility. And this is just one instance where being unmarried could cause you issues. What if you got pregnant? What if you lost your job (and your insurance)? Is having a big wedding day or avoiding causing family strife more important to you and your DF then the possible problems that could arise by continuing to wait? Maybe they are, that's a personal decision. But you should be aware that until you get that piece of paper, you are nothing more than a glorified girlfriend in the eyes of the rest of the world, and will be treated as such.

 

[RachaelA]

It seems like you are the one with excuses. He is fine getting married without his parents and you seem to want them there and then not want them there which of course is impossible.

I think the real question is do you want to marry him?

 

[TheIncredibles!]

No wedding yet. No money for a wedding. There is always going to be something else that needs to be paid for. Everytime we start to save up or plan something, something goes wrong (lay off, car accident, house fire) I just feel like something is always pushing it to the backburner and its never going to happen. All out wedding dates keep passing me by. DF keeps saying next year, next year, but well enough is enough. I am officially having a pity party today.

And yes we can go to the courthouse, but well, not what I had in mind.

What is more important - having what you want for a wedding or being married?

 

[Becky2005]

Your parents can be at the courthouse.

Get married at the courthouse with your parents there and then go out to dinner. His parents don't have to be there if he doesn't want them to be. He is an adult and can decide that.

There problem solved.

I agree with this. I was at my brother's wedding at the courthouse. There was actually quite a bit of family there. It was a bit of a different situation since he was rather young but my parents, myself & my sister were there.

 

[snowywhite89]

No wedding yet. No money for a wedding. There is always going to be something else that needs to be paid for. Everytime we start to save up or plan something, something goes wrong (lay off, car accident, house fire) I just feel like something is always pushing it to the backburner and its never going to happen. All out wedding dates keep passing me by. DF keeps saying next year, next year, but well enough is enough. I am officially having a pity party today.

And yes we can go to the courthouse, but well, not what I had in mind.

It seems that the wedding is more important than the marriage. If you want to be married you can do it at a church, park, friend's house etc. for very little.

 

[Mommy2cody]

I always dreamed of having the big wedding, with a big fancy dress and flowers and candles everywhere. Didn't happen. Weddings are expensive. Instead, we got married in Vegas. It was at a beautiful chapel on the strip. I made realistic plans for what was important to us. Having our immediate family and very close friends there was the most important thing. Followed by good food, a nice dress, wedding rings and a great cake. We had about 25 people at our wedding (we are only about 4 hours away from Vegas here). I was walked down the aisle by my Dad and Step Dad in a $200 dress, we said our vows, had our reception at our favorite restaurants banquet room (Gave everyone a choice between 4 meals so we could anticipate the cost) Had a yummy cake from Costco of all places and spent the rest of the evening with our family and friends. It was great! Not the wedding I grew up dreaming about, but I have no regrets! There was no way we were paying a fortune for a wedding! We spent less then $2000 on our wedding. (not including wedding rings) It can be done! But if a big fancy wedding is what you have your heart set on, just keep saving, you will get there.