I have been engaged for 4 years....

[manning]

I don't understand this?

He said lets go get married, invite your folks if you want to , I don't want to invite mine. To me it isn't her business to tell him he has to have them there.

Sounds to me like he would get married next week, it is SHE who is coming up with excuses.

Maybe, didn't have time to read all post.

 

[Disneylover79]

What about applying for the TODAY show wedding? What about applying for my fair wedding or any wedding shows for that matter??

 

[snowywhite89]

So you want to marry him, but won't unless his parents can be there? Since he doesn't want his parents there, you either won't marry him at all or wait until he's willing to have his parents there?

Or wait until his parents died.

 

[cheshireqt]

Only one side of the family (my father's and not my mother's) was at their wedding. All my life, my mother told us they eloped. I even knew the tiny local chapel they were married in. she finally confessed that it was a "half elopement."

Now I have a name for it. This is exactly what my paternal grandparents did! Grandpa was getting ready to ship out for WWII and they always said they eloped but got married in a church. This distinction was very important to Grandma. Turns out Grandpas family was there but none of hers. At their 50th wedding anniversary I found this out b/c Grandma had a bit of a public "discussion" with her sister, who was still very put out that she was not told about the wedding or the marriage at the time. She found out through the grapevine about a month later. There was more to the story though...Grandma was a teacher and wanted to continue teaching while he was away, in South Dakota you could not be a female married teacher, you quit or were fired. They were intent on keeping their marriage a secret from the community. During the "discussion" with her sis she stated matter of factly, "you would have blabbed...you know it and I know it!" Guess it was true b/c her sis simmered down. Turns out she did get "caught" but did not get fired b/c so many men had already shipped out and the school was short-staffed.

OP - Why can't you get married, if that is what you want to do and have a party later? Invite whoever will support you and be there for you during you marriage to the ceremony. Tell everyone else who needs to know you are married that you will have a vow renewal and party at a later date. Heck call it a wedding if you want. If the party happens great, if not you are married and enjoying it!

 

[Kat77]

I didn't have much of a wedding. It was literally just DH and I, and some creepy old lady who offered to marry us in her little chapel for fairly cheap.

Because we spent nothing on the wedding and didn't invite anyone at all, it was probably a lot more romantic than it would've been with all of my crazy relatives there. My mom would've been drunk, my brothers would've been bored, and as far as extended family, they either would've demanded us pay for plane tickets to California for them to see the wedding, or not come at all and created yet another wedding argument in the family.

Don't have a wedding now. Save up and renew your vows in 10 years and make it a big deal then. There's not as much to celebrate when you're just starting out.. but once you hit a milestone like that, you'll have plenty to celebrate!

That is so sweet! Good Advice.

OP- My brother was in a relationship with a girl who could not get it together for a wedding. Her family issues were her crutch and kept her from making any plans. We suggested elopement but she could not do that either (that would hurt her family too). He stayed eight years before realising it was just never going to happen for them. He's now in a new relationship.

If you want a wedding, set a date and plan it. Find a nice local park, retain a JOP, order a bakery cake and a daisy bouquet, then notify everyone of the time and date. It's really that simple.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Why does it have to be "do you want a wedding or a marriage"? Can't someone want BOTH?

Sure, but there does come a time in life when one has to realize that they just might be having champagne taste on a beer budget.

I will admit it--around when I got married, I would have been upset if I had to delay my wedding b/c of money. With maturity, I realize that was kind of dumb and I also realize why we just didn't get married at a time I wanted versus what was chosen. (I would have delayed it actually to have a December wedding.)

However--if we delay things in life until we can afford the one of our dreams....it is likely that dream will never come.

And for the OP--since life keeps getting in the way and it seems their wedding fund is being used as their emergency fund--it is time to review the finances and the reality of what they can truly afford.

The dream I wanted would have been Disney. Totally wasn't in the budget and waiting several years for it to be in my budget was unrealistic.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

All I want is a small wedding immediate family only. Problem is we live far from our families so even a small wedding is an expense. DF wants to go to the courthouse. I want my parents there, he doesnt want his there. This is the real problem. You cant invite my fam and not his.

I think his fam is the real issue, the expense is just an excuse. I want my parents there, that is what i dont want to compromise on. His mother is bipolar (mostly not taking her meds) and there is always big drama with weddings & holidays.

Wow now that it is in writing it is more clear.

I am just feeling sad.

But why?

Isn't the groom entitled to choose whom he wants to invite? Or is he telling you that you may not have your family at the event?

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I should not have posted this on a public message board. I know that now. It is just too emotional I guess. I just wanted to vent. I did that. Im moving on.

let me clear a few things up:

Wanting my parents there in no way equates to me not wanting to marry my fiance. I cant even believe some people would say something that hurtful or draw that conclusion out of nowhere. I have wanted to marry him since our first date. Our relationship is wonderful. The only hitch thus far has been how to accomplish the wedding we both want since we cant seem to find a middle ground.

It just seems so wrong to have my parents and not invite his. I guess we can do this and hope his mom never finds out. But if she does, man is it going to be ugly.

It has nothing to do with the wedding being more important than the marriage. I am not looking for ann elaborate party here or trying to be a spoiled brat I just know it will hurt my father to not be present when I get married and i really want my parents there.

That is for your fiance to deal with--NOT you.

I don't feel you are being accused of being a spoiled brat.

You are being accused of allowing wedding planning to get in the way of marriage--and you are doing that.

You CAN have your father there. You need NOT invite his mother. It is that simple. You are sick with worry over something of which--even when married--isn't a relationship that you should be controlling.


(Sorry for not using multi-quote!)

 

[dakcp2001]

I have been engaged for 3 years, I guess I dont understand why people freak out about being engaged so long. We are planning to elope once our other home sells.

I think you should just invite your parents and not his. Just dont show them the pics with your parents in em. Just tell his parents you eloped. That way no ones feelings get hurt and no ones wedding day gets filled with unnecessary drama. Dont let other people bring you down, do what is right for you & yours. Best Wishes!

 

[disney1990]

No wedding yet. No money for a wedding. There is always going to be something else that needs to be paid for. Everytime we start to save up or plan something, something goes wrong (lay off, car accident, house fire) I just feel like something is always pushing it to the backburner and its never going to happen. All out wedding dates keep passing me by. DF keeps saying next year, next year, but well enough is enough. I am officially having a pity party today.

And yes we can go to the courthouse, but well, not what I had in mind.

My DD and her husband spent a total of $5,000 on their wedding. They had a simple dessert buffet after the ceremony at their church. Weddings do not have to be expensive.

 

[MademoiselleKel]

Save up some money when you can and elope to Disney

 

[mrsheppo]

DH and I had planned on getting married in November 1998. In July of that year, he had some dear friends of his visiting him and I asked if they would be able to come back in a few months to our wedding. When he told me they wouldn't, I got a little upset as they were like family to him. He suggested that since they wouldn't be able to come back, why didn't we get married that day. It was 1:00am and I had to go to work 6 hours later. I agreed and went to work while DH made the plans. My 16 yo DD made the wedding cake for us, DH made reservations for dinner for 10 of us after the wedding and he went out shopping for my wedding ring and a new shirt for himself. By the time I got off work at 4:00pm, he had everything ready. I had to change clothes in the employee bathroom. We walked three blocks to the marriage license bureau and then walked across the street to the JOP. We had a lovely little ceremony surrounded by the family and friends we loved.

While it was not the wedding that I was planning, it was the wedding with the man I loved and the marriage has lasted almost 13 years.

 

[MoniqueU]

It is ok to want both a wedding and a matrriage but after 4 years just be prepared to wind up with neither.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I hate to say this but if you wanted to be married you would be. He doesn't want his parents there. That is his choice. He should have a say in his own wedding don't you think? You want your parents there then have them. The end. It really isn't that complicated.

 

[bellebud]

OP - what state do you live in, and what state do your parents live in?

I think most of us here would really like to help you find a solution.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I should not have posted this on a public message board. I know that now. It is just too emotional I guess. I just wanted to vent. I did that. Im moving on.

let me clear a few things up:

Wanting my parents there in no way equates to me not wanting to marry my fiance. I cant even believe some people would say something that hurtful or draw that conclusion out of nowhere. I have wanted to marry him since our first date. Our relationship is wonderful. The only hitch thus far has been how to accomplish the wedding we both want since we cant seem to find a middle ground.

It just seems so wrong to have my parents and not invite his. I guess we can do this and hope his mom never finds out. But if she does, man is it going to be ugly.

It has nothing to do with the wedding being more important than the marriage. I am not looking for ann elaborate party here or trying to be a spoiled brat I just know it will hurt my father to not be present when I get married and i really want my parents there.

It is not wrong. You need to get that out of your head.

When his mom finds out, who cares? Why do you care? Your DF DOES NOT want them there and you need to get over it. Yea it sucks but this is who you are marrying and need to respect his decisions.

Frankly, I said we are getting married on X day at the courthouse and whoever showed up, showed up. I got married at the courthouse and then went to Olive Garden.

Set a date, invite people, get married, the end. Not rocket science here.

Frankly I would call DF bluff and go through with it and not invite his parents. If you cannot respect his decision to not want his parents there then you are not ready to be married.

Now go and get married.

 

[bellebud]

OP - to me it seems the choice is - have his mom come, and it very well could be UGLY with her there, because of her choice to not take her meds. This will ruin your wedding, no matter if it's big or small.

OR you could not invite her (and dh knows best in this situation and doesn't want her there), and maybe or maybe not it will be ugly AFTERWARDS, but not AT your wedding. I'd take UGLY afterwards anyday!

DH and I have a rule I had to set a few years into our marriage, w/ both of our parents divorced, some re-married (his parents a messy divorce - parents won't be in the same town, forget about the same room). Anyway, one of my sil's gave me the idea - HE deals w/ everything to do w/ his family, and I deal w/ everything to do w/ my family. I, as the *wife* was having to deal w/ both families (his dad would call me for things instead of calling dh - his son - and I was in the middle of some sticky situations of my inlaws). Simply not my place, but they were putting me there. Talk about uncomfortable!!

You have to draw a line sometimes w/ the families - it's his decisions regarding his family, and I'd really leave it at that.

Again what states are you and your parents in?

 

[Agri]

I should not have posted this on a public message board. I know that now. It is just too emotional I guess. I just wanted to vent. I did that. Im moving on.

let me clear a few things up:

Wanting my parents there in no way equates to me not wanting to marry my fiance. I cant even believe some people would say something that hurtful or draw that conclusion out of nowhere. I have wanted to marry him since our first date. Our relationship is wonderful. The only hitch thus far has been how to accomplish the wedding we both want since we cant seem to find a middle ground.

It just seems so wrong to have my parents and not invite his. I guess we can do this and hope his mom never finds out. But if she does, man is it going to be ugly.

It has nothing to do with the wedding being more important than the marriage. I am not looking for ann elaborate party here or trying to be a spoiled brat I just know it will hurt my father to not be present when I get married and i really want my parents there.

So have your parents there. You've already said that your parents being there won't be much of an issue. Unless something has changed?

Why do his parents have to be there? Do you have a close relationship with them? If your future husband does not want them there, then you need to respect his wishes. They are his family and its *his* decision. If you can't respect that, then as others have said, you are nowhere NEAR to be ready to marry this man. If you want the 'perfect' wedding, with both sets of parents there - either you need to keep waiting or find a man with a more functional family.

Obviously *your* hangup is on an aspect of *your* wedding. You don't have to want to spend a lot of money to be a brat about something. The reality is, you could have been married awhile ago, but you have decided that your wedding must be a certain way - despite what your DF wants.

Despite what you say, the wedding is more important than actually being married to him - you keep making excuses for why you can't just go and do it. If I felt so strongly about someone that I wanted to marry him - I'd just go do it! Even if I couldn't afford to have the *wedding* I wanted - I'd marry him and then save up for a nice ceremony on one our anniversaries. The *person* is the important part, not the circumstances.

 

[tlbwriter]

The only hitch thus far has been how to accomplish the wedding we both want since we cant seem to find a middle ground.

It just seems so wrong to have my parents and not invite his. I guess we can do this and hope his mom never finds out. But if she does, man is it going to be ugly.

You need to get past the idea that it's "wrong" to invite some family members but not others. You have a perfect compromise at hand but you refuse to accept it. I assume you've never had to deal with a toxic family member. Please let your fiance lead the way on this. If he tells you he doesn't want his parents there, respect this decision. And when she finds out, what can she do to you? What are you afraid of? Is her reaction worse than not being able to marry the man you love?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

And furthermore.....and this is true irony here.....

Your DF is still under the control of this woman through YOU!!!!!!!

Please set him free of her.