I have been engaged for 4 years....

[Grumpy's Gal]

No wedding yet. No money for a wedding. There is always going to be something else that needs to be paid for. Everytime we start to save up or plan something, something goes wrong (lay off, car accident, house fire) I just feel like something is always pushing it to the backburner and its never going to happen. All out wedding dates keep passing me by. DF keeps saying next year, next year, but well enough is enough. I am officially having a pity party today.

And yes we can go to the courthouse, but well, not what I had in mind.

travel to where ever your parents are. Ask them to be your witnesses. You can get married, your parents will be there, and the rest of your family can come if you want them too. Maybe if you plan a bit in advance, someone in your family would throw you a reception. His parents don't have to be there. Best wishes to you both!

 

[Rafiki31]

I should not have posted this on a public message board. I know that now. It is just too emotional I guess. I just wanted to vent. I did that. Im moving on.

let me clear a few things up:

Wanting my parents there in no way equates to me not wanting to marry my fiance. I cant even believe some people would say something that hurtful or draw that conclusion out of nowhere. I have wanted to marry him since our first date. Our relationship is wonderful. The only hitch thus far has been how to accomplish the wedding we both want since we cant seem to find a middle ground.

It just seems so wrong to have my parents and not invite his. I guess we can do this and hope his mom never finds out. But if she does, man is it going to be ugly.

It has nothing to do with the wedding being more important than the marriage. I am not looking for ann elaborate party here or trying to be a spoiled brat I just know it will hurt my father to not be present when I get married and i really want my parents there.

 

[TLuvsD]

Just have the wedding. You are in charge of your guest list (your family/friends) DF is in charge of his guest list (his family/friends). If there is a problem with his mother, it's HIS problem to deal with...not yours. You are ready to move forward with your life, you want your parents there (I would, too), so make it happen. If he really doesn't want his parents present, let him have that--it's his wedding, too. Just be happy.

 

[hereyago]

I guess we can do this and hope his mom never finds out. But if she does, man is it going to be ugly.

How old are you? Not to be a slam, but how would she not find out, you hide that your married or am i just not understanding?

 

[katesorad]

I didn't have much of a wedding. It was literally just DH and I, and some creepy old lady who offered to marry us in her little chapel for fairly cheap.

Because we spent nothing on the wedding and didn't invite anyone at all, it was probably a lot more romantic than it would've been with all of my crazy relatives there. My mom would've been drunk, my brothers would've been bored, and as far as extended family, they either would've demanded us pay for plane tickets to California for them to see the wedding, or not come at all and created yet another wedding argument in the family.

Don't have a wedding now. Save up and renew your vows in 10 years and make it a big deal then. There's not as much to celebrate when you're just starting out.. but once you hit a milestone like that, you'll have plenty to celebrate!

 

[snowywhite89]

I should not have posted this on a public message board. I know that now. It is just too emotional I guess. I just wanted to vent. I did that. Im moving on.

let me clear a few things up:

Wanting my parents there in no way equates to me not wanting to marry my fiance. I cant even believe some people would say something that hurtful or draw that conclusion out of nowhere. I have wanted to marry him since our first date. Our relationship is wonderful. The only hitch thus far has been how to accomplish the wedding we both want since we cant seem to find a middle ground.

It just seems so wrong to have my parents and not invite his. I guess we can do this and hope his mom never finds out. But if she does, man is it going to be ugly.

It has nothing to do with the wedding being more important than the marriage. I am not looking for ann elaborate party here or trying to be a spoiled brat I just know it will hurt my father to not be present when I get married and i really want my parents there.

You are now at an impasse. You will never get married unless one of you makes a huge compromise. Does he tell you that your parents can't be there or just not his? It may not be the way you want it be it is the way he wants it.

 

[englishteacha]

Rafiki31, my husband and many of his family members don't get along. We chose to invite them out of courtesy. Looking back, we shouldn't have. There may have been hurt feelings but people do get over those things. If it's important to have your parents there, then invite them. If your sweetheart doesn't feel comfortable inviting his mom, then that's OK. I hope you don't feel too attacked. I wanted a big wedding, and we were just out of college and getting married was more important to me than the wedding. It was a budget wedding, our friends and family were there, and we did a lot ourselves with the help of family. I wanted a Disney wedding, catered, with all sorts of glamour. I had a church wedding, the reception at the American Legion, with my mom and sisters making our food. It was lovely, and the people I loved were there. Not entirely my dream, but I'm married to my darling and that's important, too. My father would have been crushed if he hadn't walked me down the aisle, so I totally understand you wanting your parents there. My FIL and my DH's stepsisters? They came but wouldn't have been missed.

 

[minkydog]

Sit down, have a chat with the man and decide that you both are going to make this a priority. Yes, you can get married at the courthouse and keep that as an option. You can also have an awesome wedding at someone's house (ask your friends who have big houses, you'd be surprised) that could be your dream for not a whole lot of money.

Having attended one house wedding and seeing pictures from my friend's house wedding (the bride and groom used their house), I can tell you it is gorgeous. It is so old fashioned and romantic. At the one I attended, all of the ladies were invited to lay down wildflowers right before the ceremony to make the aisle in the backyard. It was fun and made all of us feel like we were a lovely part of their happy day.

Absolutely! If you really want to be married, then just do it. It doesn't have to cost you $30,000, though that's what brides' magazines and TLC would have you believe. My brother had his small wedding at my mother's house, with everyone who loved him in attendance. All of my sisters had small scale weddings and they're all still married >25years later.

Heck, my own wedding cost me $300 AND I made my dress myself! Can't get any cheaper than that. Well, you can if you go to a JP. But like you, I didn't want that. I wanted a real wedding. And that's what I got. We had very little money, only $300. Our parents weren't able to help us. We put the wedding together in exactly 14 days and it was lovely. In less than a month, we went from starving single students in love to married, slightly less starving almost-college-graduates. We will be married 30 years in April.

OP, I understand about not wanting his parents there. I didn't want my dad there and I made sure that someone was in charge of seeing that he didn't disrupt my wedding, as he had been known to do. DH's sister was deployed at the time and couldn't attend. Yes, we missed her--it's his only sibling. But we wanted to be married and the time was right. It wasn't going to be any easier if we waited another year or two or four. There is never going to be the perfect time. Maybe now is the time for you two to decide what *you* want. Set a date and do it.

 

[minkydog]

For our honeymoon, we spent one night in a local hotel's honeymoon suite and watched the superbowl.

This reminded me of our honeymoon.We drove to Birmingham, AL and stayed over night at the Hyatt. Probably the fanciest hotel I had ever been in up to that time. It had an elevator! Next morning we got up early, turned on the TV, and watched the first space shuttle lift off. Then we returned home and went to the laundromat. Had to be ready for school the next morning--we were both student teaching.

 

[snykymom]

I want my parents there, he doesnt want his there. This is the real problem. You cant invite my fam and not his.

Sure you can. You are marrying the man, not his parents.

Um, the way I read it, he DID make the choice, and he chose her. She's the one holding out for the presence of his parents.

OP, here is something that you need to learn to accept if you want to be happy: your spouse's relationship with his parents is NOT your responsibility to maintain, and it never will be. If he chooses not to have them in his life, then you need to accept that and let it be.

AMEN! This is something that many young brides have difficulty learning. Families come in different flavors While you might not like his family's "flavor", there is a whole history there that you will never know, no matter how much you talk about it. You don't know what a family's like until you live in it. The only thing you have to know about the family is that they are, in whatever way, at least partly responsible for the man you love becoming the man he is.

I've been married for 28 years. My DH had a falling out with his family and distanced himself from them. I was afraid that they would blame me for "not letting him" see them. Then I realized that it really didn't matter if they did. We knew that it was his decision, and since I wasn't seeing them often anyway, if it made them feel better to blame me, that was fine.

Same thing, by the way, for his friends - you can't choose them for him. While you "become one", you're still two individuals and will always be individuals.

As far as the bipolar is concerned, though, please remember that there is a genetic component to it. Once you have children, be watchful for it.

And good luck to both of you!

 

[PixieTl]

4 years is a long time to be engaged!
I understand you wanting to have a formal wedding, but really there is nothing wrong with just having a small wedding with your close friends and your parents, if your df doesn't want' his mother to be at the wedding, just know that it is ok!! it really is!! bi-polar or not, if his mother has created drama in the past, inviting her or not inviting her isn't going to make a difference! One way or another problems will arise, but at the end of the day really all she can do is throw a fit!! It's taken me a good 12 years to learn that all bi-polar mothers can really do is throw fits, call you names and try to bring you into their altered world! it's really hard to learn that you can get past all that 'fun' and manage through holidays, weddings, and birthdays and such!!
Go find a pretty place and check out traveling JP's, my husband and I found an adorable JP who married us at a Gazebo by a very pretty reflecting pool, nothing fancy, nothing big, just our friends. I think you will find that you will be just as thrilled marrying your df in a small intimate gathering as a large formal wedding with all the bells and whistles!
Good luck to you!!

 

[Tinkermommy]

Here's my wedding story:

Got married by a magistrate. My parents and sister were there. My husband's family was not. They were not speaking at all during this time.

They did reconcile about 6 months later. We have had a good relationship since then and they love me now!

That was 23 years ago and still happily married.

Marriage is about compromise. I think it's something to really consider if you can't get together on this as to how you are going to handle other bigger issues that will come up.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I think you are making this alot more complicated than it has to be. If you think juggling family for a wedding is difficult, you should try juggling all the issues after the wedding is long gone and there is dust on the pictures.

Figure out what is most important to you and yours. Obviously you need your family at the wedding, which is understandable and your boyfriend does not want his family there. Just because of this issue alone, you have to come to the realization you will not have the normal fairytale wedding where all is happy and bright.

Sit down and really figure out how to make it happen where you both get what you want. I understand that someone will be traveling whether your parents or you or meet in the middle.

If you really really want a wedding, you make it happen. Cut the cable, quit going out to dinner or coffee or movies and save every single dollar and make it a goal to have the wedding ready and in place by years end. Right now David's bridal is having their annual sale. There are some really nice dresses for cheap.

Planning this far out you could really save up money and pay money towards a nice dinner for even maybe 20 people and a photographer.

Nothing is impossible but you do have to work for it and make it happen. The end result has to be worth the struggle to get there.

 

[disykat]

So you want to marry him, but won't unless his parents can be there? Since he doesn't want his parents there, you either won't marry him at all or wait until he's willing to have his parents there?

 

[RachaelA]

So you want to marry him, but won't unless his parents can be there? Since he doesn't want his parents there, you either won't marry him at all or wait until he's willing to have his parents there?

This is what I'm wondering.

They are his family. Its his choice if he wants them there or not.

 

[NotUrsula]

It just seems so wrong to have my parents and not invite his. I guess we can do this and hope his mom never finds out. But if she does, man is it going to be ugly.

If your fiance intends to hide the wedding from his family, then you do have a problem. He needs to tell his mother just after the fact. She may be hurt, but she deserves the courtesy. He can do it by letter if their relationship is that bad, but hiding will NOT work.

 

[Barbossa]

Are you sure DF still wants to get married? He seems to be stalling quite a bit.

 

[Hannathy]

Are you sure DF still wants to get married? He seems to be stalling quite a bit.

Funny but I read as she is stalling more than he is.

 

[EMom]

I should not have posted this on a public message board. I know that now. It is just too emotional I guess. I just wanted to vent. I did that. Im moving on.

let me clear a few things up:

Wanting my parents there in no way equates to me not wanting to marry my fiance. I cant even believe some people would say something that hurtful or draw that conclusion out of nowhere. I have wanted to marry him since our first date. Our relationship is wonderful. The only hitch thus far has been how to accomplish the wedding we both want since we cant seem to find a middle ground.

It just seems so wrong to have my parents and not invite his. I guess we can do this and hope his mom never finds out. But if she does, man is it going to be ugly.

It has nothing to do with the wedding being more important than the marriage. I am not looking for ann elaborate party here or trying to be a spoiled brat I just know it will hurt my father to not be present when I get married and i really want my parents there.

Only one side of the family (my father's and not my mother's) was at their wedding. All my life, my mother told us they eloped. I even knew the tiny local chapel they were married in. When I got married, if I asked for her input, she'd say, "What do I know abou planning a wedding? I eloped." Very shortly before she died, she let something slip that made it clear that some of my father's family had been at the wedding. None of my older siblings had EVER had a clue about this. When I pinned her down for more info and pointed out that for over 50 years, she had told all her children she and Daddy had eloped and that it was pretty late in the day to be changing the story, she finally confessed that it was a "half elopement."

Meaning, his immediate family (parents and siblings) were there, but her side knew nothing about it. When I asked why, she said she couldn't bring herself to tell her father because she knew he wouldn't take it well. True enough, since her sister later reported he spent the next month crying daily at the loss of his baby. But her side got over being left out.

So "half elopements" do exist. If you want to get married and can't do it without your family, go to your family and have an affordable wedding. Let your fiance decide whether he wants his family there or not. Truly, that's his call. I'm of the "the marriage is more important than the wedding" camp. We had a nice, but affordable wedding. To me, it was a means to an end. The wedding got me to the marriage. Simple wedding, fancy wedding, whatever. The marriage was what mattered. Just like a car gets you to your vacation destination. Sure, it's nice to drive a luxury car instead of an economy car. But it's the vacation that really matters.

Personally, there's no way on God's green earth I'd wait 4 years. From what you've said, the situation will never be ideal and you'll never have the "right" conditions for the wedding you want. Meaning, you can't have both sides of the family attend and have a joyful, peaceful event take place. Ain't gonna happen. Face reality even if it's not pretty. As my wise mother said, "Wish in one hand and spit in the other and see which one gets full first."

Seriously, I'm not trying to be harsh. I'm saying that conditions will never be right for what you desire, so work with what you have and make the best of it. Ask yourself what you want most out of your relationship. Only you can answer that. Just know that a small wedding with no parents or only one set of parents is okay. Or a JP service for that matter. You can save and have a bash later to celebrate your marriage. Or you can put money away and take a dream trip on a special anniversary when the pressure has lessened. Heck, you may get more enjoyment out of that anyway.

For me, I would want to get on with the next phase of my life. As someone pointed out, legally, you are nothing to him now. If he's ever hurt, or God forbid dies, you're out in the cold. Everything will be up to his parents. Is that what you want? Sit down and ask yourself what's most important to you and act on it. Don't look back.

Good luck.

 

[Scurvy]

It just seems so wrong to have my parents and not invite his. I guess we can do this and hope his mom never finds out. But if she does, man is it going to be ugly.

It has nothing to do with the wedding being more important than the marriage. I am not looking for ann elaborate party here or trying to be a spoiled brat I just know it will hurt my father to not be present when I get married and i really want my parents there.

He does not want his parents there. So, they should not be there. You can't live your life making all your choices so that things won't get ugly when his mom is unhappy about something. If she's that unpleasant, then she's going to find something to be unhappy about no matter what you do. Trust your fiance to make the choice that is right for him. It appears that he has done that. He doesn't want them at his wedding. You shouldn't punish yourself - or your fiance - by including someone he doesn't want there just because you think you ought to include her.

You do want you parents at your wedding. So, they should be there. You shouldn't punish yourself or your parents by excluding them from such an important event just because you don't want someone else to attend it.

Are you going to include his parents in your life every time you include your parents? If you want your mother there when you have your first child, will you feel obligated to include his mother as well? If you don't want his mother there, would you exclude your own mother or just not have the chld so you don't upset her? His parents and your parents are separate people. They are not a social unit. There is no reason on this earth that you can't include just one set of parents if that's what you and your fiance want to do.