I hate the holidays !

[charmin1976]

I'm ready to just tell my sons to "do their own thing" for Christmas and I'll just stay home!

The deal is, DS#1 and DIL have split holidays between the two sets of parents. This year they went to her parents for Thanksgiving and Christmas was to be with me. Well, DIL is 7 1/2 months pregnant, so I offered to drive the six hours to them. At first her parents were going to come earlier Christmas week (they live 7 hours away), so I changed my plans and DS#2 and I were driving down on Christmas Day. Then, her parents decided not to come, but I couldn't get time off to go earlier because my work has set times to make your vacation plans. Fine. We're going Christmas Day and coming back on Sunday.

Now her parents are coming on Friday. So, I get less then one day to spend with my son. They ruined my summer vacation with my son and now this. They feel everyone should do everything together and it all involves major drama -- tears, etc., if you don't go along with the plan. (Explains how I ended up in Victorias Secret with my son and her dad -- not a happy camper.)

I just don't know what to do. At this point, I just want to stay home and send DS#2 to be with his girlfriend's family.

To add to the hurt, my son and DIL spent an entire week with his Dad and I haven't had one minute alone with him this year. It hurts.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Charm

 

[EthansMom]

DH and I both have mixed-families so I know how tough it can be. I recommend that you call DS and tell him how much you were looking forward to having some alone time with he and DIL and how hurt you are to have the ILs horning in on your time.

 

[TeresaNJ]

Any chance of switching your plans to visit over the New Year holiday?

 

[mjkacmom]

I think you have every right to be upset - if DIL wasn't pregnant, they'd be at your house, right? You should let your ds know how you feel - I think there is a good chance this could be an issue next year, when they have a baby.

 

[bellebud]

I'd try for a visit during non holiday time. If your ds's inlaws are always going to do this, you can't change it if dil and ds allow it to happen. So if it were me, I'd opt for a non christmas visit for real alone time. Just go during christmas, knowing it's a 'whole' family thing, and plan something for another time when the inlaws won't come.

 

[camreesmom]

The deal is, DS#1 and DIL have split holidays between the two sets of parents.

To add to the hurt, my son and DIL spent an entire week with his Dad and I haven't had one minute alone with him this year. It hurts.

Sounds like they have to split between more than 2 families. We are in the same situation so I know how you feel. Ours gets even more complicated though because my parents are divorced and DH and I both have kids with our ex's. Plus our two oldest DDs are both married so they have to see the in-laws also. This all adds up to a LOT of stress!!

Our solution was to take ourselves out of the Christmas day mix. I felt so bad seeing the married DDs stressing out trying to make everyone happy. What has happened in the past is that they go from house to house and don't get to spend any quality time with ANY of the parents. This year we are hosting a NYE/New Year's Day get together at our house. So now we won't be disappointed when the kids are in and out on Christmas Day. Before it felt like they came in, opened presents and left to go to the next stop.

I hope you can work something out with your DIL and her family. I take it that you all are not close enough to enjoy one big gathering?

Hugs to you .....I know you're hurt and it's not an easy time of year.

 

[java]

I'm confused as to how they coming means one less day with your son?

I don't know the history. But on face value this situation doesn't seem very dire.
What is the visit about? It always hurts me when people are sad during the holidays. Personally I would suck it up and go and have fun. But that's me and I'd want to spend the holiday together rather than be a home alone feeling sorry for myself.

 

[luvpooh]

I apologize if I'm misunderstanding but why can't you all get together at the same time if you're all going to your son and dil's?

 

[charmin1976]

It means I have less than 24 hrs. (probably less than 12 hours) one-on-one with my son and DIL until they descend and take over the holiday. They are all drama (tears if you don't go along, running to bedrooms and slamming doors, etc.) -- and I just don't want/need the stress. Like I said, they ruined our summer vacation with their antics -- I just wanted a good Christmas.

Charm

 

[akhenaten]

I can sympathize but OP now that your DSon is married and especially since there will be a grandbaby soon... i don't think you can expect much more alone time!!!
Don't make the time you get full of tension and friction by causing issues....

ETA sorry OP i am sure there is much more background...i don't know the summer vacation story....

 

[John Smith1]

What's the old saying: a son is a son till he gets him a wife, a daughter's a daughter for the rest of her life.

 

[castleview]

My MIL has three sons and can probably relate to you. and I'm the DIL with the divorced parents. For years, she tried to control everyone getting together, arranging her party for the week before or after Christmas. While I saw her side, it didn't win her any empathy because it made for more stress during the holidays. But...when she stopped trying to get everyone together, things started falling in place for her. She might not get her big holiday bash, but she can travel on holidays wherever she wants and her sons appreciate her not being so high maintenance. Even us DILs love that when we get together with MIL, it's extremely relaxing.

 

[Allison]

I would go and enjoy the time you have with your family.

 

[Longsx3]

I am sure my opinion won't be popular; while I understand your frustration I still think you are being unreasonable. Your son is an adult, he and his wife are beginning their family together, I think the expectation that you have of alone time is not fair to him. IMO the only person deserving of alone time is his wife. I say be grateful that you have two wonderful sons, a daughter in law and a new grand baby on the way. Enjoy all the time you do have with them instead of tracking who else gets what time.

 

[N&B'smom]

What sort of get-togethers are we talking about?? Slamming doors? Tears? Running to bedrooms? Seriously???? It sounds like you're talking about kids not adults!

By the tone of your post I would say you just genuinely don't like these people at all. I'm not sure they could do anything in your eyes that would be acceptable. (not saying I blame you I'm guessing that summer vacation story is quite interesting to say the least!)

I have to say though, life is short and you never know what the future holds. Go, spend time with your DS and DIL. Just let anything/everything the other IL's do roll off your back.

Shelby

P.S. I truly hope it's better than you expect!!

 

[akhenaten]

I am sure my opinion won't be popular; while I understand your frustration I still think you are being unreasonable. Your son is an adult, he and his wife are beginning their family together, I think the expectation that you have of alone time is not fair to him. IMO the only person deserving of alone time is his wife. I say be grateful that you have two wonderful sons, a daughter in law and a new grand baby on the way. Enjoy all the time you do have with them instead of tracking who else gets what time.

I , for one, agree with you!! Nice post!

 

[Allison]

I am sure my opinion won't be popular; while I understand your frustration I still think you are being unreasonable. Your son is an adult, he and his wife are beginning their family together, I think the expectation that you have of alone time is not fair to him. IMO the only person deserving of alone time is his wife. I say be grateful that you have two wonderful sons, a daughter in law and a new grand baby on the way. Enjoy all the time you do have with them instead of tracking who else gets what time.

It's popular with me-I agree with you.

 

[Darcy03231]

I am sure my opinion won't be popular; while I understand your frustration I still think you are being unreasonable. Your son is an adult, he and his wife are beginning their family together, I think the expectation that you have of alone time is not fair to him. IMO the only person deserving of alone time is his wife. I say be grateful that you have two wonderful sons, a daughter in law and a new grand baby on the way. Enjoy all the time you do have with them instead of tracking who else gets what time.

Actually, I agree with you.

OP, now that your son and DIL have a child they may not want to travel at all over Christmas anymore. I know I don't. Whoever wants to come to my house is welcome to, but on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day I'm not going anywhere. Some years we have a crowd and other years we don't. My parents usually alternate between going to my sisters house and my house. DH's parents would come occasionally when the kids were younger (we live in NH and they live in TN). If you want to see them over Christmas I would go and not worry about what anyone else is doing or whose time it is.

 

[Mkgaapril]

can you imagine how hard it is on your DS and his pregnant wife? to have people upset when they are trying to share themselves with all of you? and the stress on his wife in her condition?

It stinks always being the bigger person, I know. Do it for your son. he knows what you are giving up. Maybe you can sneak in a trip when the baby comes and give them a helping hand....just don't be to hard on them..and don't give up your Christmas with them..that will hurt your son. Just show up , with a hug and a kiss and make the best of it..and if you really want to go shopping alone with him just tell them...or sneak out...

Good luck.

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

I remember something about your post earlier in the year, this same topic.

I'm sorry to hear things have not gotten better for you.

If it were me, I would suck it up and go. And try your very best to honestly be happy with the situation. REGAURDLESS of how much you hate DIL's family. It will mean a lot to your son. (even if he dosen't say it)

And relations will stay happy.

Yes, it stinks that you don't get the one on one that you deserve as the mom. But maybe the holidays isn't the best time to be looking for it either.

Setting up a time AFTER the holidays that you can spend exclusive time with your son and his family would be a nice gesture and something that might be easier for EVERYONE to accomadate.