I guess it's over

[Sandy V.]

Did you ever stop and consider that he's being so pleasant and cooperative because he KNOWS that you're going to settle for far less than you're entitled to? (More importantly, what YOUR CHILDREN are entitled to.)

 

[DVCLiz]

Did you ever stop and consider that he's being so pleasant and cooperative because he KNOWS that you're going to settle for far less than you're entitled to? (More importantly, what YOUR CHILDREN are entitled to.)

Exactly. And ask yourself this question - "What happened the last time I entered a legal contract with this man? How did he behave? Did he hold up his end of the contract?" I think you know the answer to that question, sadly.

It's not only about living expenses and the here and now, although those are important. It's about college costs, your future lifestyle, your retirement, the whole package. How will you get your own healthcare, and who will cover the children? Do you have that spelled out somewhere? What about your retirement - do you have access to half of any plan he has through his work? You should. And so on.

Please don't think I'm not supportive of you. You are going through a terrible time, I know. But you've got to be realistic, because you have a lot at stake.

 

[rie'smom]

I'm so,so sorry that you have to travel this hard road. You can do it though and you know that we're all here for you.

If he writes an agreement,hire a lawyer and have her/him read it. I've worked for my dad who's a lawyer. Be careful,I saw what lawyers tried to slip through on so-called friendly divorces. Don't forget that if there's no honey around now,there may be shortly. Then your husband who may be rational will begin thinking with another part of his anatomy. You HAVE to do this- if not for yourself,then to make sure your kids are protected. Trust me on this. It will make me very sad to read on the DIS later how you trusted him to do the right thing and then he messed you over. Look at this as a business arrangement-forget your emotions or that you still care for him. Remembrances of love past and rose colored glasses have no place here.

 

[Punkin's Mom]

Did you ever stop and consider that he's being so pleasant and cooperative because he KNOWS that you're going to settle for far less than you're entitled to? (More importantly, what YOUR CHILDREN are entitled to.)

Am I entitled to more than half? That's what we've talked about. I would get the proceeds of the house and part of the retirement that together would equal half of all the assets put together. We each keep our car. We would split the cash in the savings account in half. The budget we've talked about, but haven't finalized, splits his take home pay 45% for me and 55% for him. He would continue paying his student loans and his car payment. This arrangement would allow me to only work part time and be able to be at home with my kids after school.

Am I wrong in thinking that this is very fair? Please correct me if I am.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Just want to say my brother and soon to be EX-SIL were going to have an "easy divorce"....yea, right. She has drug this thing out for almost 2 yrs.

You owe it to yourself and your children to hire a lawyer for yourself.
Whether or not what is "fair" is interesting but there is alot more things you add into the divorce decree. Stuff you probably wouldn't think of.
If you want to ever change it you have to hire a lawyer to do so and then go back to court.

Sorry and hugs for strength.

 

[NMAmy]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've been in your situation and I know that panicky desperation to keep the status quo even though it was awful.

Just a couple things I wanted to share as someone who has been there--things I wish someone had told me.

You'll get through this. You're much stronger than you realize. And, really, your life is not on some awful downward spiral for the rest of your life. In the short run, it's going to be hard but things will get better. You will even be happy again. I promise.

My attorney gave me some of the best advice ever--"This is not your husband any more even though you're still married. He does not have your best interests at heart." I agree with everyone else here that you really should consult an attorney of your own to protect your interests and those of your children. Do you know any attorneys who would handle your case at a reduced rate or pro bono? I knew my attorney through work before my divorce--it was a small town and he and my husband disliked each other. He was tickled to take my case pro bono.

again to you. I am so sorry you have to go through this. Please know you can always come here for support or PM if you need to talk. I wish you the best.

 

[kellyg403]

I too am sorry that you are having to go through this. But you are stronger than you know. As someone who has been through it also, please make sure that you retain an attorney. As another poster said, this is not the same person you have been with all these years.

Your agreement does sound like a good one, but remember an attorney can tell you what the repercussions can be, like taxes on the money etc.

The worst part of any divorce is the fact that even though it is a court ordered document, if your ex decides NOT to abide by any one item you agree to, in order to enforce it you MUST go back to court and make him. Sometimes it can be a long hard road.

My attorney was a good guy but very hard nosed. His very best advice to me was to pick 3 things that were non negotiable and remeber the rest is always negotiable. He also told me it was his job to deal with facts and not the emotions. And that probably was the biggest help of all.

Kelly

 

[MUFFYCAT]

I'm so sorry for you.

Maybe he'll agree to counseling when the lawyers are invovled.

My best to you and you children.

 

[ADisneygirl]

First I'll say that it sounds like a fair and amicable deal to me, so if you choose to go ahead without council please get it into writing.

Now I want to tell you how I am feeling from reading this. How he is acting right now aside, I must say as others have said so well - this is not the husband you loved and trusted anymore. He may look the same, sound the same, smell the same, but he is a different man. Think about it. How could the man you loved and trusted with your life do something like this to you and your children? The effect this will have on your children's lives is monumental. How could he stop loving you? He could because he has changed. He has changed therefore he is unpredictable.

We here at the DIS only want to look out for your best interest. While your lawyerless deal looks great, I worry that without legal council you will get screwed somehow.

And I know you don't want to even think of this for a teeny tiny moment, but when your ex husband has a new love in his life, all deals may be off. When they get involved in a new start with a new person their only concern then turns out to be their financial state, not yours and the kids.

I am praying for you. Best of luck down this difficult, painful road.

 

[Muffy]

Am I entitled to more than half? That's what we've talked about. I would get the proceeds of the house and part of the retirement that together would equal half of all the assets put together. We each keep our car. We would split the cash in the savings account in half. The budget we've talked about, but haven't finalized, splits his take home pay 45% for me and 55% for him. He would continue paying his student loans and his car payment. This arrangement would allow me to only work part time and be able to be at home with my kids after school.

Am I wrong in thinking that this is very fair? Please correct me if I am.

Yes, it does sound fair. You still need your own lawyer. I don't see any other way to make the above agreement iron clad with no loop holes for him. If you let him handle the whole thing he may protect his own interest first.

Stay strong. You will get through this.

 

[DVCLiz]

Am I entitled to more than half? That's what we've talked about. I would get the proceeds of the house and part of the retirement that together would equal half of all the assets put together. We each keep our car. We would split the cash in the savings account in half. The budget we've talked about, but haven't finalized, splits his take home pay 45% for me and 55% for him. He would continue paying his student loans and his car payment. This arrangement would allow me to only work part time and be able to be at home with my kids after school.

Am I wrong in thinking that this is very fair? Please correct me if I am.

It's easy enought to split current assets. But the future is very different. What happens to your 45% if your husband decides to stop practicing law and become a 2nd grade teacher 5 years from now? What happens if he remarries and his new wife resents the loss of her income and takes it out on your kids? Who pays for college, for summer camp, for the swimming pool membership, for afterschool activities??? How will you split the holidays - do you want your kids leaving Christmas day at noon and not seeing them until the day before school starts?

There are a million details involved, and a wise person gets the advice of a lawyer. You don't have to get the lawyer involved with your husband - but you should be in his or her office and talk through everything, just so you will have the benefit of someone else's experience. For every piece of advice you get in a lawyers's office or on this thread, you can be sure at least 100 women learned the hard and painful way that it was necessary.

Please just talk to a lawyer.

 

[kellyg403]

It's easy enought to split current assets. But the future is very different. What happens to your 45% if your husband decides to stop practicing law and become a 2nd grade teacher 5 years from now? What happens if he remarries and his new wife resents the loss of her income and takes it out on your kids? Who pays for college, for summer camp, for the swimming pool membership, for afterschool activities??? How will you split the holidays - do you want your kids leaving Christmas day at noon and not seeing them until the day before school starts?

There are a million details involved, and a wise person gets the advice of a lawyer. You don't have to get the lawyer involved with your husband - but you should be in his or her office and talk through everything, just so you will have the benefit of someone else's experience. For every piece of advice you get in a lawyers's office or on this thread, you can be sure at least 100 women learned the hard and painful way that it was necessary.

Please just talk to a lawyer.

Yes, it is a hard and painful way to learn something. Your children will be the one who lose. I can attest to the fact that once another woman gets involved things can change drastically. Just the way it goes sometimes. Doesn't always happen but it doesn't hurt to make sure it won't.

kelly

 

[Amity 3]

my wife and I were teetering on divorce about ten years ago. in the interest of our daughter, we got together and drafted our own list of demands. the first thing was no scheduled 'appointments' with her. we were both equal and flexible to spend time with her.

we both hired an attorney and were appalled at their use of our child as a pawn.

we both thought we had an amicable plan to divide property and visitation, but each of our attorney's kept trumpeting how much 'more' they could get either of us. our point was that if we reached an equal division, there wouldn't be any ill feelings clouding judgement when it came to raising our daughter. in the end, we walked away and reconciled.

if you do follow through with divorce, don't let your child custody wishes get mangled by scuz lawyers, they get paid to rip families apart.

 

[Jeanny]

 

[diznygirl]

Yes I am and I never thought I'd go back to work, even when my kids both get to school. I haven't worked for over 6 years - I don't even know if could write a resume. I honestly don't remember exactly what I did at my previous jobs. I am so rusty I would probably have to take a class or something before I could start working. Like I said, I don't even want to be an accountant again. I only did it before because I was reasonably good at it, it was fairly easy to find a job and it paid well enough to put my husband through law school.

The others that suggested working for the school district gave good advice - it would keep you on the same schedule as your children.

Another place to start would be a temp agency. They test your skills and place you accordingly, and allow you to come in and practice on their computers. You can even get help with your resume and they can find better and better things for you. Their are temp agencies just for accounting. They need to fill part-time as well as full-time positions.

Good luck!

 

[Sandy V.]

Am I entitled to more than half? That's what we've talked about. I would get the proceeds of the house and part of the retirement that together would equal half of all the assets put together. We each keep our car. We would split the cash in the savings account in half. The budget we've talked about, but haven't finalized, splits his take home pay 45% for me and 55% for him. He would continue paying his student loans and his car payment. This arrangement would allow me to only work part time and be able to be at home with my kids after school.

Am I wrong in thinking that this is very fair? Please correct me if I am.

The point is, a lawyer can tell you if your husband is truly offering "half" of everything. You helped put him through law school, so depending on his type of law practice, if he's a partner, sole practitioner, associate, etc., there is the value of a law practice to be considered. That is an asset that I'm sure your husband hasn't included in this split.

As we've all mentioned, there are SO many factors, financial and otherwise, to consider that only an attorney advocating on your behalf can address them. And as DVCLiz pointed out, he could attempt to change jobs or decide his priorities are different if he finds a "honey" down the road. Please get legal advice to put all of this in writing and protect your rights and those of your children. I don't mean to sound dire, but the decisions you make NOW could affect you and your family for the rest of your life. So you need to choose wisely and not go into this blindly because your husband's offer seems so "fair" on the surface. It may be, but it may not be.

I truly wish you the best of luck. Please keep us updated!!

 

[Caradana]

Honest truth?

You're getting played. And you're making it really easy for him. Stop thinking with your emotions and start thinking with your POCKETBOOK.

- He's an attorney. He's going to burn you when the time comes, just as he burned you at the end of your marriage. Of course he's being nice right now. He's got all the power. He makes all the money, I'm sure that there's a honey in his sights right now, he's got the graduate degree, and you're going to raise his children for less than half of his income. He's getting a sweet sweet deal and you're going right along with it.

- Don't be "nice." That's the biggest stupid mistake women make in divorces. The time for "nice" stopped when he decided that you personally weren't worth the effort, which is what he decided, no matter how you sugarcoat it to yourself.

- He knows he's probably going to wind up paying your attorney or a least part of his fees, therefore, he will manipulate to keep you from hiring one. No matter how "good" a guy he is, he's not so stupid as to set himself up to pay some attorney that is filing against him thousands of dollars, especially when you are wavering on it.

- Who's paying your health insurance?

- Who's paying for your kids' college? How?

- Who's paying for your life insurance?

- Who's paying for your next minivan?

You will pay for it royally if you don't get an attorney. A GOOD ONE.

Don't let yourself get played.

 

[Sandy V.]

He knows he's probably going to wind up paying your attorney or a least part of his fees, therefore, he will manipulate to keep you from hiring one.

Dana brought up a VERY good point here.

 

[arminnie]

I noticed that you are in Texas. This is a good web site to get information:

http://www.raggiolaw.com/txart06.html - How a Texas Divorce Case Works.

Louise Raggio for years was known as THE lawyer to get to defend yourself in a Texas divorce. I don't know if she is still practicing, but her three sons are now in the firm Raggio & Raggio.

Many a divorcing husband has quaked in his boots when he found out his wife had hired that firm.

 

[Debbie Jean]

It's easy enought to split current assets. But the future is very different. What happens to your 45% if your husband decides to stop practicing law and become a 2nd grade teacher 5 years from now? What happens if he remarries and his new wife resents the loss of her income and takes it out on your kids? Who pays for college, for summer camp, for the swimming pool membership, for afterschool activities??? How will you split the holidays - do you want your kids leaving Christmas day at noon and not seeing them until the day before school starts?

There are a million details involved, and a wise person gets the advice of a lawyer. You don't have to get the lawyer involved with your husband - but you should be in his or her office and talk through everything, just so you will have the benefit of someone else's experience. For every piece of advice you get in a lawyers's office or on this thread, you can be sure at least 100 women learned the hard and painful way that it was necessary.

Please just talk to a lawyer.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!!!
You need to look further into the future... DVCLiz is absolutley correct... although you may not want to think about it, it is more than likely that one or both of you could remarry. What then? All the goodwill in the world can go out the window when new blended families are created and generate new financial priorities... you won't just be dealing with ex-DH

As far as division of assets is concerned, as a SAHM you need legal advice... not just about reasonable child support but at least provisional alimony... given your feelings on your prior work training, you might want to take advantage of this opportunity to go back to school and switch fields.

Believe me I understand perfectly where you are in the grief process... I have been divorced for over 12 years following the end of a 17 year marriage... and I have never been happier ... while the ex-DH is now on wife number 3 I absolutely agree with keeping things amicable between you for everyone's sake... BUT... as a lawyer himself he should not feel threatened or upset but actually understand that you want to have at least a mediator or your own attorney. I would be very suspicious if he said otherwise. Why would he want to control this and make you dependent on HIS interpretation of how things should be?

The most important reason to consult legal advice is not for you... it is to protect your children's interest.

As many people here who have walked in your shoes can say from experience, it's a very, very tough thing to go through... hang in and take it a day at a time... better days are defintely ahead