I guess it's over

[Serena]

I doesn't matter how much you trust or think you know him. Get a lawyer.

Lawyers can be objective when you can't. They will get all the information and it all done and final.

My divorce was amicable, but the lawyer kept it that way. It wasn't me or him, it was what the law requires be done. We did have some choices, but you won't have to defend your chioces.

good luck

 

[Liberty Belle]

I'm so sorry. I can only imagine how devistating this must be.

I'm willing to bet, though, that you are going to come through this a stronger, happier person. It looks like you've been given good advice here.

If your husband is a lawyer, I think it's imperative that you find yourself an excellent lawyer no later than Monday. Before that, I'd do what others have said and get out some money, make records, etc.

God bless you and your children.

 

[ZipaDeeDooDah]

I am so sorry this happened to you. Knowing it might be coming doesn't make it any easier when it actually happens.

I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to say that Caradana has some VERY good points:

Honest truth?

You're getting played. And you're making it really easy for him. Stop thinking with your emotions and start thinking with your POCKETBOOK.

- He's an attorney. He's going to burn you when the time comes, just as he burned you at the end of your marriage. Of course he's being nice right now. He's got all the power. He makes all the money, I'm sure that there's a honey in his sights right now, he's got the graduate degree, and you're going to raise his children for less than half of his income. He's getting a sweet sweet deal and you're going right along with it.

- Don't be "nice." That's the biggest stupid mistake women make in divorces. The time for "nice" stopped when he decided that you personally weren't worth the effort, which is what he decided, no matter how you sugarcoat it to yourself.

- He knows he's probably going to wind up paying your attorney or a least part of his fees, therefore, he will manipulate to keep you from hiring one. No matter how "good" a guy he is, he's not so stupid as to set himself up to pay some attorney that is filing against him thousands of dollars, especially when you are wavering on it.

- Who's paying your health insurance?

- Who's paying for your kids' college? How?

- Who's paying for your life insurance?

- Who's paying for your next minivan?

You will pay for it royally if you don't get an attorney. A GOOD ONE.

Don't let yourself get played.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Oh my gosh - thank you so much for all your encouraging words. It is so huge for me to feel the amount of compassion I just got by reading all these responses. I'm sorry I can't respond to every single one of you but know that I've read (and will probably reread) everything and I really appreciate it.

As far as the money goes, he has not looked at a bill or account in the entire 14 years. I have done all of our finances and know them backwards and forewards. I know everyone thinks I should get a lawyer, but it would stress me out even more knowing that I was spending $250 an hour. We are not advisarial right now but bringing lawyers into the picture would guarantee that would happen. It's very simple - 3 major assets we'll split 50/50, we each get a car, and he doesn't even want much of the furniture. He wants me to have the house and is willing to support me and the kids almost 100% because I told him weeks ago that I absolutely refuse to put the kids in daycare. He made his decision knowing that so now he'll have to pay. We're very fortunate that he does well enough to support 2 households. We've already discussed budgets and splitting up the assets, but we'll have lots of details to work out.

As far as work goes, I guess what worries me the most is that I not willing to work more than part time. I have a bachelors in accounting and worked for 7 years in that field, but it's been a long time. I guess I just can't help looking down the road and thinking how bleak it looks.

You'll at least need to sit down and have someone draw that agreement up, right? Please - you can't just take his word for it. You don't know what is going to happen.

 

[Janet Hill]

He agrees to split his take home pay 45/55. Think about that and how he can manipulate this amount. Have the check overwithheld for taxes and just wait for the IRS refund. What else ?? His insurance 401k and retirement contributions are before take home. Maybe 45/55 gross pay would be more like it. Is he a partner that sometimes gets non-W2 wage distributions from the practice. You definately need a lawyer to help you think through these things.

I also have a friend who (with a lawyer's advice) agreed to a portion of her ex's paycheck. Well he met someone new and then decided to pursue a new career as a PART TIME substance abuse counselor. The new wife of course had a great job to support him in the manner to which he was accustomed. Too bad for my friend though she only gets a portion of a very small paycheck. To make matters worse she has MS and can't work. She's barely making it and is also on SSI now.

 

[momrek06]

So sorry you are going through this, Punkin

But read and re-read everything DANA has said. GREAT ADVICE!!!!

You have the DIS on your side!!!

 

[Robinrs]

 

[Kitty 34]

Some wonderful advice given by other DISers!!

So sorry you have to go thru this but eventually you will come thru stronger and happier.

 

[mark&sue]

so sorry you are going through this.

Please believe us when we say that 99 times out of 100 these men will always promise everthing to the the wife they are leaving. It is the guilt they feel. Give them time and they realise that they have another home to pay for and the new life style that a new partner entails and they slowly withdraw all that they have promised.

Even the greatest man changes because as the others have advised on this thread they are now no longer the wonderful thoughtful man we have known for so long but someone elses thoughtful and lovely man.

Their guilt promises you an easy life but before you know it they offer less and less.

You never know they may come back to you and always worth trying to get it back again. Try to make him feel that you are worth fighting for. If he has not found someone else yet he may come back especially if he feels you can live without him easily. He may even realise the grass is not greener even if he has found someone else. HE NEEDS TO KNOW THAT HE WILL NEVER FIND ANYONE LIKE YOU and you need to know it too.

Love yourself.

We love you and are all thinking of you. I am here in the UK thinking of you

Good luck


susan

 

[Miss Park Avenue]

I'm going through the same thing and I feel for you.

People say it will get better. I hope they are right!

 

[shortbun]

You have gotten some wonderful advice here. I can add nothing. I am offering hugs and I hope you can find some peace and quiet in the chaos that must be buzzing through your head right now. Is there some good music or a kids movie you can watch that will allow you to rest mentally? Drink lots of water, eat your veggies and allow yourself some pampering along the way. You deserve it love!