I feel sooo lost....I need help.

[Singleminnie]

As a person who is currently going through a divorce, if you have read the previous posts, you have received some good advice. My situation is a little different, I have been the breadwinner for a majority of our 15 years of marriage and I filed for the divorce. Make and keep copies of everything, you can set up another bank account, but that money will be subject to the divorce settlement along with any retirement accounts you may have. In NE, he will have to carry you and your children on his insurance during the proceedings and you for six months after the divorce is final.

I would suggest once you have talked to your children, get some counseling, if only for someone for them to talk to. I thought my girls would have a harder time with our divorce, but they are holding up very well even though I have had to move. If you have any private papers, notes, calendars, etc, make sure he can not get to them, my Ex's atty told him to steal my planner claiming he was just wanting to find out about the children's schedules. That's how out of touch he was with our children, even though he was only working pt. Be prepared to be on a tight budget, I have custody of our girls and since my Ex only works aprox 24 hrs per week, I get very little child support. There is a lot of things to think about, but start with a good atty if you feel this is the end of your marriage, and only you are the one who can make that decision.

If you wish, feel free to pm me for any other questions. Keep in touch!

 

[Nie0214]

I'm so sorry!

Make sure you toss that makeup he gave you into his morning coffee!

 

[ryanshana]

I sincerely appreciate all the kind words and advice.

I know this forum is public, for that is the reason why I am being vague about details.

my kids are 2 and 1 do you think they will still need counseling?

 

[ryanshana]

i'm so sorry!

Make sure you toss that makeup he gave you into his morning coffee!

right!?!?!?!

 

[C.Ann]

I'm sorry..

 

[LadyEMT]

I am so sorry for you. I have been in your shoes! The feeling is indescribable to anyone who hasn't experienced it; like a bomb that detonates and destroys everything you thought was "normal" and right.

I very much agree with you checking out www.survivinginfidelity.com.

That is a great place with wonderful people and advice, and I have spent many hours there learning and sharing.

Right now, realize it CAN be done. You CAN get through this, and you can even save your marriage. Cheating does not have to end it, if you both still want to be together.

Go to the above mentioned site and read in the Just Found Out forum, and read the " Tactical Primer", which is near the bottom of the page.

 

[SandrA9810]

Who says you need a divorce???

I personally think that's over-reacting. Most the time cheating is because they feel they're not getting something at home. Counseling is the best option first.
And you should always be on top of finances, even if you're not the one writing the checks. With almost every company online now, it's easy to keep track of credit cards and bank accounts online.


I've been on the other side of this... granted we're not married... nor can we be. But trying to tell your g/f you got knocked up is pretty hard. It only happened once, and never went back after that. But it still brought a whole new prospective to our relationship and made it a lot stronger. And well opened the doors for more communications... which I'm not good at.

Try to get to the bottom of why it happened first before jumping off the deep end.

 

[kt_mom]

An excellent, excellent site: www.survivinginfidelity.com

This is a wonderful site and has tons of great information for all the different stages you will go through. The people are friendly and caring and you will find them very supportive. Take your time and read some of the articles and talk to some of the people. There are people there in all stages of this. Granted every situation is different, but there is a common bond for those that have been downt his horrible road.

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

You have received a lot of good information here already. I would make the copies of the financial papers and check out some lawyers. But I wouldn't rush into anything just yet. You are still in shock and it takes time to absorb it all. It takes time to figure out where exactly his head is too. And it's not any easier when their behavior leading up to you finding out ends up seeming so strange. I know it can really throw you for a loop.

There are so many factors that will go into your decision about your marriage and each needs to be examined carefully. Once you've protected yourself there's no rush to make any decision. And you may change your mind several times. The final outcome depends on both you and your husband though. You may want to work things out and he may not at this point or the other way around. There is a lot of shock and anger and your emotions are all over the place in the beginning. And it's not always the best time to make life altering decisions. Try to surround yourself with supportive people but not ones that want to push you one way or the other.

Feel free to PM me if you need to talk. And be careful about how much information you post on the public boards. You do have to be careful to protect yourself and your children.

 

[akhenaten]

so sorry....

 

[wall*e2008]

I sincerely appreciate all the kind words and advice.

I know this forum is public, for that is the reason why I am being vague about details.

my kids are 2 and 1 do you think they will still need counseling?

They are so young. No need for counseling for them. Just realize that you are not the cause of his wondering.

 

[RobinFabulous]

They are so young. No need for counseling for them. Just realize that you are not the cause of his wondering.

I think you have to realize they will feel the tension, when you are upset. They won't need counseling, but you probably need time-outs for yourself, so you can feel what you need to.

I don't know specifically about alimony laws in your state, but in my state you only get rehabilitative alimony unless the marriage has been very long. You will be entitled to child support, and since you're not working, my state would assign you a minimum wage income in the figures.

You WILL be okay, your children will be okay.

 

[Kimberly]

Who says you need a divorce???

I personally think that's over-reacting. Most the time cheating is because they feel they're not getting something at home. Counseling is the best option first.
And you should always be on top of finances, even if you're not the one writing the checks. With almost every company online now, it's easy to keep track of credit cards and bank accounts online.


I've been on the other side of this... granted we're not married... nor can we be. But trying to tell your g/f you got knocked up is pretty hard. It only happened once, and never went back after that. But it still brought a whole new prospective to our relationship and made it a lot stronger. And well opened the doors for more communications... which I'm not good at.

Try to get to the bottom of why it happened first before jumping off the deep end.

Harsh words, but I entirely agree. Counseling might be the best first option here before even considering a divorce. Granted, this is under the assumption that you still want to be with him. Best of luck!

 

[wall*e2008]

I think you have to realize they will feel the tension, when you are upset. They won't need counseling, but you probably need time-outs for yourself, so you can feel what you need to.

I don't know specifically about alimony laws in your state, but in my state you only get rehabilitative alimony unless the marriage has been very long. You will be entitled to child support, and since you're not working, my state would assign you a minimum wage income in the figures.

You WILL be okay, your children will be okay.

I did not say she should not get counseling but a 1 and 2 year old will get nothing out of their own counseling.

If the OP has a college degree some states will use that salary in figuring our alimony. I know a guy whose ex was a SAHM but was a dental hygienist by profession. They used the dental hygienist starting income when they figured out alimony.

I cannot speak for the OP state but I know for a few other states 10 - 20 years was the magic number for alimony. Less and you got none.

Many are saying the marriage is not over, but I think in this case it is. Back in late January she "found" bare essentials make up card worth over $100. She said this was not her brand. He did give it to her. I suspect it was for the other women but he covered his but by giving it to her. If I am correct then this affair has gone on for 5+ months.

 

[PinkRhombus]

How extensive is the cheating? One time drunken thing, or via coworker or mutual friend?

If you do want to see if this can be worked though, and it is a coworker, he needs to change jobs. Make that a condition.

 

[NMAmy]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Just reading your post brought back that awful kicked in the gut feeling that I experienced when I went through infidelity and divorce. It's not something I would wish on my worst enemy.

One thing to remember is that this is not your fault. Your husband knew he was married and made a CHOICE to have an affair. I hate that "he's not getting what he needs at home" line. If he's not getting what he needs at home, he needs to talk to his wife, not have an affair.

And finally. YOU CAN NO LONGER TRUST ANYTHING YOUR HUSBAND TELLS YOU.

This is similar to the best advice my attorney gave me. He told me, "He is not your husband anymore. He does not have your best interest at heart."

I hope things work out the way you want them to. I know it's hard to believe right now but, even if you do end up divorcing, life will get better. You just have to work your way through this horrible situation.

 

[alexandria674]

I am really sorry this happened. Get a lawyer though. And some counseling to help you.


BTW, Maybe I misread this but he TEXTED you that he was cheating? That is low.

 

[brekin67]

Are you sure the text was from him? And, are you sure the text was meant for you?

 

[Disney Doll]

Be practical first and follow CHicago 526's advice. It is very good.

Take your time deciding about ending the marriage, counselling or whatever. Only you can decide what your marriage is worth to you and how much you are willing to fight for it, if at all.

But do the practical things first to protect you and your children. Chances are, if your husband has another woman, he is not going to be thinking about your children primarily, so that will be up to you.

Bets of luck. Be strong.

 

[jobhunter]

I am so sorry. COnsider checking out www.survivinginfidelity.com

You will find everyone there has been there, done that, and you will get a lot of support.

Good luck to you.

 

[RitaZ.]

I have no advice to offer, just to you.