I feel so mean!!

[wovenwonder]

First of all --- I DON"T think you were mean BUT....

Have you tried 'positive' reinforcement with them? Something along the lines of - "Your toys must get picked up. I don't care if it takes you an entire month to do -- they must get picked up. BUT if you do it in the time that I set my timer for [say 1 hour] you will earn extra tokens for chuck e cheese -- or movie rental for the evening, etc."

 

[dizneegirl]

When I was 9-10, my dad threatened to throw away everything on my floor if I didn't get my room clean.

He made good on his word... I found the bags out for the trash, and found a marionette (amongst other things) he had thrown out.

I didn't get to rescue the marionette.

I didn't really learn any lessons except that my father was mean.

And I'm still holding a grudge 20+ years later.

Hmmmmm... I suppose that didn't help any, did it?

 

[4greatboys]

Originally posted by Bon Bon
You feel mean and guilty because doing the right thing hurts you more than it hurts the kids. That's just the way it is. I don't think it's harsh, not unless you got rid of a favorite baby blanket or that special toy they will probably always keep. DH and I have been through the same thing. We also did this and yes, they cleaned their rooms like there was no tomorrow the next time!

For future use, I want to share with you what we had to do with our teenaged DD's. The older they got, the more expensive their clothes and shoes got. I would get so frustrated walking into their rooms and seeing those $45 pants they had to have laying on the floor in a heap. After much struggling, I went into their room one day while they were in school, picked the clothes up, and held them for ransom. I told them that once they started paying for the clothes, they would treat them better and have a better appreciation for the money we spent. I "sold" their clothes back to them by charging them money from their allowance: $1.00 per shirt, $2.00 per pair of pants etc. I've never had a problem since then.

LOL I think that is a great idea. My problem is I have boys what if they dont want their clothes back

 

[Bon Bon]

LOL, than take their Game Boys or Comic Books.

 

[Serena]

Lissa, you said yourself, they were junk and probably needed thrown away, why would you feel guilty?

Trust me, a little tough love will make your life and theirs much easier in the future. I should have done more of it.

 

[Kallison]

When my kids were that age I remember fighting to clean up too. Our entire basement was lined with toys. As they get older they get away from the what I call "crappy crap", more into video games, board games, crafts, etc. They all clean up pretty good now, it's a rule your floor must be cleaned or I get you out of bed. They are 13, 11 and 9. So there is hope eventually. I've also gone in with the garbage bag, I regularly still clean out their rooms and drawers. They have never missed anything and I come out with a big bag full. It's amazing what they amass isn't it?

 

[Keli]

Throwing away the toys because they wouldn't clean their room is hardly the last time you will feel guilty over punishements you have doled out to your kids. Wait until they are teenagers and keep breaking/missing curfew and you have to make them stay home during some great event (like a big party, dance, homecoming or the like) as a lesson in coming home on time. To me that was much harder to do to Ashli than the punishments I gave her as a small child and it definitely hurt me worse than it hurt her.

 

[DisneyObsessed]

I wish I had been tougher when mine were younger. They are now 15 and 12 and they pick up NOTHING. It is the main cause of arguments in our house. They can't take the time to put their dishes in the dishwasher, throw their clothes down the laundry shute(how hard is that) etc. Yesterday I found the empty cheese package in the fridge. They took the last piece and couldn't throw it away? If they need a bandaid, the box and empty wrappers stay on the bathroom counter. Their %#&@ is everywhere and my husband has had it. Yesterday he made a pile in the family room. My daughter picked it up at 6am when DH woke everyone up screaming about the pig sty. He told them last night, if he ever sees their stuff laying around again, he is going to throw it out in the backyard...rain, snow whatever. He means shoes, coats, everything. He won't go into their rooms and wake them up any more in the mornings because he says he's going to break his neck tripping over their stuff someday. They clean their rooms but within 2 days they are a complete disaster again. We are at our wits end. So....take charge while you can so it doesn't come back to get you later.

I think I just vented didn't I? Sorry

 

[moinab]

Try reading some John Rosemond parenting books. I don't always agree with what he says, and he often comes across as arrogant and harsh, but I think he makes some very good points about setting definite boundaries/rules and sticking to them. He's big on empowering parents. I've learned several tactics from him that have been very effective on my children, and they seem happier for it. Personally, I'm waiting for Dr. Phil to come out with a parenting book.

For the record, I think you did the right thing, 100%, and you managed to get rid of some useless junk. Win/win!

 

[Cindy B]

I've done it as well.. the trash bag comes out.. and it gets tossed.. they do wind up going to Goodwill if they are salvageable...

As for empowering parenting books.. here are two.. Dare to Discipline, and Parenting isn't for Cowards..

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Hi!
Oh yea, I know this fight. My solution is to clean it up when it gets to the overwhelming point. I realized that my kids can't handle a HUGE mess anymore than I can.

Dad was in older dds room this weekend. He supervised her cleaning.

I have to go for a major overhaul this week in the "TOY ROOM". ewwww.... I am going to paint and we are getting new carpet.
I will probably throw away and donate alot of stuff.

I just have thrown the drama out. We are tough and they do clean. We just have too much stuff.

 

[DISshopkeeper]

I've done the same thing. Thinking about doing that in DS17's room right this second. Well, maybe I'll warn him first. MAYBE.

 

[MICKEY88]

I can understand having trouble getting small children to clean, but after the age of ten I don't get it.....

take control....

my teens know that if they leave anything laying around the house they will buy it back, or lose it....

when their rooms start to look messy they are simply told that they have 2 choices, clean their room ..or sit on the couch in the family room, and stare at the walls,,,no books,,no video games...just them and the couch, until the room is cleaned they can do nothing but eat, sleep, do their chores, and go to school...

 

[aunt lissa]

Thank-you all...you have some very good ideas! I think I'm going to start w/ the buying back of items left laying around. I too can't stand the clothes they leave lay all over the bathroom but haven't griped about that much just cleaned it. Although I'm seeing I may be wrong in doing that. I know I need to get control of them or I never will. I can say though you guys have thoroughly scared me of the "Teen Years"!! I can't imagine what it's going to be like and how I would feel keeping her from a important event because of her doing something wrong. I know I have always been an easy parent, but now I'm trying to set my foot down and have control of them before it gets too far. My problem has always been that I am a single parent (that part I'm not complaining about) but I've always been the only disciplinary in their lives, so I felt like I was always being mean. I've learned though in the past few years that sometimes I'm just gonna have to be mean all the time to be a parent.

 

[Serena]

It's not being mean, it's standing up for yourself. They say it's being mean, because they know it gets to you. {{{{hugs}}}}

 

[RickinNYC]

I'm afraid I don't have children of my own so I can't speak to that end of the spectrum. However, I do recall my own parents and their methods when I was growing up.

They were never permissive from the very beginning and it was abundantly clear that when Mom or Dad said anything, we were to listen. Of course, occasionally, as little ones do, we'd get out of hand from time to time. But overall, the parents ruled the roost and it didn't take an iron fist. There was a three day rule in our household. Neither Mom nor Dad ever told us to clean up our bedroom or playroom. Rather, if a toy stayed on the floor for three days, it would end up in the trash by the fourth and no begging or pleading would change their minds. I can assure you that, as much as this may have been a painful lesson, it was a lesson that was well made. We were always neat and always put away our toys after losing a precious item once or twice.

This belief has carried over into my and my brothers' adulthood. Our wives, partners or fiancees have never had to clean up after us. We've never left a mess behind. We do the dishes and help with the house work. In fact, I straighten our apartment every night before I hit the hay. Putting the dog's toys back in his basket. Straigtening the couches and pillows, cleaning up the dishes and emptying the dishwasher. Anything that had been draped over a hook or chair, from a briefcase to a robe or coat, is put back where it belongs. Hats on doorknobs are replaced back on the hooks. Counters are wiped down, blankets are folded up and put back in their basket, shoes by the front door are straighted and organized, the towels to wipe the dog's feet are refolded, and on and on. It actually never takes more than 15 minutes each evening to do what is necessary. And I never ask my partner to help. I gladly do it because it needs to be done.

See what strong but loving parenting does? It engenders a stable, organized, neat adult.

I may have thought Mom and Dad were "mean" when I was a child and I lost a toy, but that was always shortlived. As an adult, I have nothing but love, admiration and respect for my parents. They raised my brothers and I in a happy, loving and NEAT household!


You're doing the right thing. Keep it up.

 

[moinab]

I'm married, but I'm the only disciplinarian because DH has no spine when it comes to our kids. In fact, he makes it a lot harder for me, because I'm always trying to undo the damage he does by giving in to them. (Then he complains that they never listen to him. ) I'm home with them all day, though, so they know I mean business.

Don't feel guilty! (I know-easier said than done.) Remember, the meaning of the word discipline is "to teach." They will always try to test their boundaries, but having those boundaries firmly in place makes them feel more secure. They will never admit that, of course, but it's true. (Think about how unnerving it would be to drive if there were no traffic laws. )

 

[christinou]

Well, we just cleaned the kids playroom this week-end, it took the 4 of us 3 hours to clean it, we threw away 2 huge garbage bags of junk, and took 1 really big bag to the salvation army. The room looks great, and the kids love it, they can finally play in it. We actually made them decide, what they wanted to keep or not, and they actually gave away toys, that I probably would have kept.
We had been yelling at them to clean, for the past few months, and I just got tired of yelling, I also think that it was such a mess that they could not even start the process, they are 6 and 8, and are very good at keeping their bedroom clean, but the playroom is another story.
So you are not mean, you did the right thing..

 

[LadyAurora]

I have to agree with everyone else, you did the right thing.
Whatever you do, don't give in after making a stand! I watch my husband and his ex-wife in their pattern of "threaten things and give in" and it drives me nuts! Of course kids will never listen, if you have proven over and over that there are no real consequences!
Congratulations, you have made the right choice!

 

[tiggerlover]

Boy, have I ever found this thread interesting and it has given me some things to ponder.

Melissa, I don't think you were being mean, I applaud you for actually doing it. I have threatened once or twice, but never followed through. I think when this situation arises again I will in fact get out the garbage back and the only way DS will get his toys back will be to earn them or buy them back (I still need to give more thought to that). Thank you for posting this and thanks for the food for thought.