I feel like I can't win (long vent)

[laurajetter]

I feel like my mom will never be satisfied by my appreciativeness; I will never be able to thank her in just the right words or exactly how she imagines I would. Because if it's not just the right way, she will get hurt, say something to my dad but tell him not to say anything to me, then he calls me anyway, telling me to thank her specifically for whatever it is, but he doesn't want me to tell her he told me.

The latest instance just happened yesterday into today, and frankly, I thought my DH and I thanked her plenty, since we didn't want this to happen again. Here's the situation:

My 6 month old son was getting dedicated at our church this past Sunday (sort of similar to a baptism in other religions). Aferwards, I wanted to have a luncheon for all the people we invited, however my house wouldn't comfortably hold everyone. My mom volunteered to let us have the party at her house in their new sunroom. I told her that would be great and we started making plans for when/how DH and I would get the food to her place, plus other various details.

She gave me recommendations along the way, foodwise, and had suggested to buy a bunch of lunchmeat and cheese and she could roll the slices and arrange it on a tray instead of me buying a party platter. She also said my 17yo sister could make the deviled eggs. Great, I agreed and we had arrangements to drop off all the other food the night before, and a couple things (such as the cake) early the next morning.

So we go to the dedication, and afterwards all the guests arrived at my parents' house. The table of food looked great, in fact my mom had included a lot more food than I had planned for. She had shrimp cocktail, lots of snacky food, and a few other things. (In fact, I wish she had told me she was going to make these additional things because I went out of my way to make an additional dish not thinking there would be enough items; it would've saved me a lot of time and energy since I was making the majority of the dishes.) Her display took up most of the table and I had to try and maneuver things around to fit everything I had.

So anyway, the party went on for several hours, and people started leaving. Finally the last people left, and DH and I were about ready to take Jacob home. As DH was making a couple trips to put a few things away in the car, my dad whispered to me to make sure we thank my mom. I told him we would. In fact, I kept thinking we have got to make sure to thank my mom in a way that she will know we appreciated all the work she did (even though originally I only wanted to just use her sunroom, and didn't ask her to help with the food in any way).

So DH comes back in, and we go find my mom who's by the computer. I told her thanks for all the work she did, everything turned out great. DH said something similar, and even gave her a hug. Afterwards, I reiterated a "thanks for your help." She seemed to respond favorably to our thanks; she smiled warmly and was making conversation in response to what we were saying.

Fast forward to this morning; my dad calls and said that when we get a chance, maybe we could tell my mom that we liked the way the deli tray turned out. He said she was a little upset/disappointed that we didn't have a response for the look of the tray of rolled meats. I told him we thanked her last night and told her we appreciated everything, both of us. I told him I didn't understand why she'd be upset. He said it wasn't that we needed to thank her more, but she was just looking for some kind of comment about the tray itself, about how it turned out. Then he added that when she told him this, he said "oh, she probably will still mention something." and her response was "You'll probably call her."

So now, I somehow have to work into conversation how the deli meat tray turned out so nice, it really looked great (which it did, and I do appreciate), without her being suspicious that my dad said anything to me. I hate this!

I thought we covered everything last night when we thanked her? Apparently we didn't say it just the right way or with enough specific details for her. Maybe I'm a spoiled brat for feeling this way, I don't know. I will say I've never been a big "thank you" person when it comes to my parents through my years growing up. I don't know why, I have just never had a way with words. Maybe that still comes through when I thank her and I don't show my appreciation profusely enough. After getting off the phone with my dad I felt and

I hate to say this, but maybe it would be easier to just do everything completely myself, then I won't have to deal with these issues. In fact, that was originally my line of thought anyway. The only thing I wanted from my mom was the use of her sunroom. I was going to worry about everything else. By the end, she had added so many things and done so much else, it wasn't as simple as I had thought it would be, and now I am in the predicament I wanted to avoid. And I hate it when my dad calls when he was told not to, because now it puts me in the middle of what seems like a little game. If he really wanted to help, maybe the next time we were together he could've maybe mentioned something subtly about the meat tray looking great or something, and I surely would've expounded upon his comment.

I hate this. Ok, I'm curious how others view this; Do you side more with my mom, or me? I just want to know if I AM acting like a spoiled brat, or am I justified in feeling like I can't win, nothing I say will be good enough, etc.

Thank you if you've read this 'til the end!

Laura

 

[kdibattista]

You are not out of line... your mother is (at least based on the information you gave).

Congrats on the dedication

 

[Evil Genius]

I agree with you on alot of points. I feel that you and your dh thanked your mom for everything. If she wanted to know what you thought of the deli tray she should have asked you yesterday if you liked it. I agree with you that in the future you do these types of things yourself. And if she offers to help, tell her no you've got it all taken care of.

Having said that, I would send her a thank you note or possibly drop by with a bouquet of flowers as a thanks for all the work she did.

 

[VSL]

I thought we covered everything last night when we thanked her? Apparently we didn't say it just the right way or with enough specific details for her. Maybe I'm a spoiled brat for feeling this way, I don't know. I will say I've never been a big "thank you" person when it comes to my parents through my years growing up. I don't know why, I have just never had a way with words. Maybe that still comes through when I thank her and I don't show my appreciation profusely enough. After getting off the phone with my dad I felt and

BIG

- I don't think you're being a spoiled brat, I think your mother is (well, maybe not a brat, but far too oversensitive and attention seeking!). It sounds like you thanked her enough and she seemed happy enough with it, but felt that she needed to complain when you left.

- I'm with you when it comes to communicating with my parents. Really struggle with my family in giving compliments and saying 'I love you' (not the family I'm going to make, the family I was born/adopted into). No idea why though

 

[Stitchfans]

I can understand your frustration. As a mom, I don't expect my dds to go into great detail when they are thanking me for something. My mom didn't expect that from me either.
Often later in a conversation we might be reminiscing about something and then one thing or another is brought up, but again the idea that a thanks is in order never occurs to us.
Sure wish I had some advice or knew what to say, but I am lost here.
Sorry.

 

[Hillbeans]

Oh Laura - big hug to you

First of all, my mother has passed away, so I really don't want to talk badly about my mother however her and I never had an overly warm and fuzzy relationship as we got older. She was my mom, and I always felt like nothing I did was really ever good enough for her. Like you, if things weren't done to her liking, she'd be obviously disappointed.

It sounds as if your mom is a little insecure and needs to be given a lot of attention - and that's not really a bad thing per se. While I wouldn't think my mom would need me to thank her for every slice of deli meat and bottle of mustard, I have been on the other end where I get no appreciation for anything I do and just need validation.

Hopefully you can come to a mutually satisfying relationship with her and enjoy each other for the people who you both are.

 

[NMAmy]

I hate to say this, but maybe it would be easier to just do everything completely myself, then I won't have to deal with these issues.

I think that maybe this should be the lesson you take away from the whole situation. If your mom behaves this way, well, now you know to try to stay away from that situation.

I really know how you feel--although the problems are different, my mom and I have a lot of issues, too. I've just learned over the years that there are certain situations that I need to steer away from, if possible, to avoid the conflicts. It's highly unlikely that your mom is going to change at this late date. The only thing you can do is to change your reaction to her.

 

[laurajetter]

I agree with you on alot of points. I feel that you and your dh thanked your mom for everything. If she wanted to know what you thought of the deli tray she should have asked you yesterday if you liked it. I agree with you that in the future you do these types of things yourself. And if she offers to help, tell her no you've got it all taken care of.

Having said that, I would send her a thank you note or possibly drop by with a bouquet of flowers as a thanks for all the work she did.

Evil Genius, thanks for your advice. I like the thank you note/flowers idea... that would seem more genuine than me just specifically stating out of the blue that the meat tray turned out awesome (as my dad suggested). I just think it would be so completely obvious that he called me if I did it that way.

 

[Disney Doll]

I think it's sad that your Mom does things for the accolades and not because she wants to do them or she enjoys doing them or anything else. It's also pretty obvious that this has been a mode of behavior for years, since her comment to your dad was "Oh you'll probably call her and tell her". Kind of interesting that she knows what goes on behind her back, so therefore knows that any additional thanks are not "genuine" but because dad has intervened, and still the behavior continues.

I'm pretty stubborn, so I probably wouldn't say or do another thing, excpet maybe send a thank you card from the baby thanking "Grandma and Grandpa for the nice party", just because I think that's kind of cute and they'd get a kick out of it.

I would also probaly not let my mother do much for me in the future, and if she insisted, I'd probably say "You know what Mom, it's too much pressure to have to thank you in just the right way all the time for what you do for me to deal with it, so I'll just do it myself". I wouldn't say it in a nasty way, but very matter-of-factly. I think at this point, you are not going to change your mother's behavior, so you have to change your reaction to it.

I have a SIL like that...anything she does for you has an agenda...either to prove to the world what a great person she is, or so that she can ask you to do something which is completely out of the question and when you refuse she can say "but remember when I did so-and-so for you?". I have actually told my SIL that I want nothing from her...no gifts, no favors, nothing... then I don't owe her anything.

 

[laurajetter]

I think that maybe this should be the lesson you take away from the whole situation. If your mom behaves this way, well, now you know to try to stay away from that situation.

I really know how you feel--although the problems are different, my mom and I have a lot of issues, too. I've just learned over the years that there are certain situations that I need to steer away from, if possible, to avoid the conflicts. It's highly unlikely that your mom is going to change at this late date. The only thing you can do is to change your reaction to her.

The thing about just completely doing it on my own that I would feel bad about is that I know deep down my mother goes overboard with trying to help in these kinds of things because she loves us so much. I know she does it out of the goodness of her heart, but sometimes she gets so into it and does so much effort to get it to a professional quality, that if she isn't lavished with praise she feels like she wasn't appreciated.

Although my head is telling me, "do it ALL yourself next time, it will be easier" my heart is telling me that if she offers to help and I turn her down, she will be offended, or hurt at the very least, and I don't want to seem like a cold person to her, when all she wants to do is help.

Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself; I think I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. It's just that I have a conflict of emotions, so there isn't an easy answer.

 

[Pam]

I would also suggest writing a nice thank-you note/card. In the text of the message, tell your Mom what a great job she did on the Luncheon, and that everyone raved to you on how wonderful the deli tray looked! Then say, "DH and I also thought the tray of luncheon meat looked like something a caterer would prepare, thanks so much for eveything you did to make Jacob's Dedication a memorable occasion!"

 

[VSL]

I think it's sad that your Mom does things for the accolades and not because she wants to do them or she enjoys doing them or anything else. It's also pretty obvious that this has been a mode of behavior for years, since her comment to your dad was "Oh you'll probably call her and tell her". Kind of interesting that she knows what goes on behind her back, so therefore knows that any additional thanks are not "genuine" but because dad has intervened, and still the behavior continues.

I'm pretty stubborn, so I probably wouldn't say or do another thing, excpet maybe send a thank you card from the baby thanking "Grandma and Grandpa for the nice party", just because I think that's kind of cute and they'd get a kick out of it.

I would also probaly not let my mother do much for me in the future, and if she insisted, I'd probably say "You know what Mom, it's too much pressure to have to thank you in just the right way all the time for what you do for me to deal with it, so I'll just do it myself". I wouldn't say it in a nasty way, but very matter-of-factly. I think at this point, you are not going to change your mother's behavior, so you have to change your reaction to it.

I have a SIL like that...anything she does for you has an agenda...either to prove to the world what a great person she is, or so that she can ask you to do something which is completely out of the question and when you refuse she can say "but remember when I did so-and-so for you?". I have actually told my SIL that I want nothing from her...no gifts, no favors, nothing... then I don't owe her anything.

Especially on the bolded [by me] parts.

 

[nliedel]

OK here goes. Yes she seems to be needy and know she is loved BUT it would be really nice of you to send her some flowers and a thank you note. Mention the tray in it. She just wants to know you love and appreciate her and while you may think your thanks are effusive enough she does not. She does not sound hard to please. Really.

A few years ago our son died. My stepmother did the greeting thing with food afterward (reception) and we thanked her but apparently not very effusivly (I was just devastated and probably did not even think about it). She was deeply hurt and it caused a huge rift for years and years. It was NOT worth it. I love and had hurt her deeply. Should she have understood more? I don't know, maybe but in the end we were not as apprciative to her as we should have been and it hurt us both for many years. Flowers would have taken little time and been so kind.

 

[laurajetter]

I think it's sad that your Mom does things for the accolades and not because she wants to do them or she enjoys doing them or anything else.

To clarify (because it's hard to convey all the subtle nuances of a situation or person in a single post), I know my mom does these things truly out of the kindness of her heart, and because she cares about us. If you met her, you'd see that. However, I do feel that she like the accolades from us. I truly don't think she does it solely for the praise, she mainly helps out to help make the event special for the people she loves. She just likes us to realize the hard work she put into whatever it is she did, I think to an extent more than what many people would say is necessary. It just drives me batty! It was hard to control how much say she had in this event since it was held at her house.

Laura

 

[nliedel]

Yeah it probably does drive you nuts but that's her job, to drive you nuts. Seriously if this is the worst thing she does build a bridge and get over it. She loves you and just wants to hear she is special. It may drive you nuts but it really won't bother you unless you let it.

 

[laurajetter]

OK here goes. Yes she seems to be needy and know she is loved BUT it would be really nice of you to send her some flowers and a thank you note. Mention the tray in it. She just wants to know you love and appreciate her and while you may think your thanks are effusive enough she does not. She does not sound hard to please. Really.

A few years ago our son died. My stepmother did the greeting thing with food afterward (reception) and we thanked her but apparently not very effusivly (I was just devastated and probably did not even think about it). She was deeply hurt and it caused a huge rift for years and years. It was NOT worth it. I love and had hurt her deeply. Should she have understood more? I don't know, maybe but in the end we were not as apprciative to her as we should have been and it hurt us both for many years. Flowers would have taken little time and been so kind.

Thanks, I appreciate your post.

 

[salmoneous]

Here's one way to work the thank you into a future conversation - call up your Mom and say, "Dad just called. He said you were disappointed that I didn't specifically mention how the deli tray turned out. I love you Mom, and 99 times out of 100 you are the best. But your habit of being disappointed if I don't specifically thank you for sometime is driving a wedge between us. I thanked you for everything - and I meant it - and that included the deli tray. You are the best. But if you want to know what I thought of the deli tray, ask!"

It sounds like your wonderful Mom has a hangup that is driving a wedge between you. I don't think you are being a spoiled brat for not wanting to play this game anymore. However, the solution of avoiding the problem and just doing everything yourself doesn't sound like the best one - and I'm really surprised at the number of people recommending it.

PS - If you don't want to talk this out with your Mom, how about confronting your Dad. Next time he brings up something that you really should thank your Mom for, tell him the little game is driving you nuts. He needs to stop telling your Mom that you will eventually come around to thank her and encourage her to talk to you directly.

 

[agnes!]

note/flowers would be nice and are always appropriate, whatever the relationship. (And the idea about a card from the baby is *so* cute!)

I'm thinking about this whole situation and there's an interesting family dynamic going on here, your *dad* is a big part of it. He is a link in the chain of emotions by continually passing on your mother's frustrations to *you*. I know you can't change others, but the next time your mom says something like this to your dad, maybe he should tell her to say it to your face. Does your dad think that he is really helping everybody out? I'm sure he's a nice guy, but what is the end result...mom feels bad because life isn't up to her expectations, dad feels bad beacuse mom feels bad - *so* he passes the bad news on to you, then you feel bad because now you know how disappointed she is with your responses.
Now, you feel bad, dad feels bad and mom feels bad.
And after you get back to mom with whatever you were supposed to have said/done and didn't do, now you still feel bad, dad might feel better(but this is unknown) and mom knows your response wasn't completely genuine. I don't see too many winners here.

Maybe the next time he repeats to you something your mom says about you, think about telling him that if it's so important to your mom, she should tell you herself.

good luck - hope things get better,
agnes!

 

[AtlantaSue]

If I were in your shoes, I would really try to put a stop to the game playing - that behavior would drive me nutso, also!! I would respectfully tell Dad that you need to talk to Mom about the situation, because it's bothering you. Then I would just confront Mom, in a nice way. Something like, "So - did it hurt your feelings that I didn't specifically mention the tray? Sorry about that - it was great! Next time, if I've hurt your feelings, would you please let me know?"
I agree that she probably just plays these games for attention. But you really don't HAVE to play along.

 

[VSL]

Here's one way to work the thank you into a future conversation - call up your Mom and say, "Dad just called. He said you were disappointed that I didn't specifically mention how the deli tray turned out. I love you Mom, and 99 times out of 100 you are the best. But your habit of being disappointed if I don't specifically thank you for sometime is driving a wedge between us. I thanked you for everything - and I meant it - and that included the deli tray. You are the best. But if you want to know what I thought of the deli tray, ask!"

It sounds like your wonderful Mom has a hangup that is driving a wedge between you. I don't think you are being a spoiled brat for not wanting to play this game anymore. However, the solution of avoiding the problem and just doing everything yourself doesn't sound like the best one - and I'm really surprised at the number of people recommending it.

PS - If you don't want to talk this out with your Mom, how about confronting your Dad. Next time he brings up something that you really should thank your Mom for, tell him the little game is driving you nuts. He needs to stop telling your Mom that you will eventually come around to thank her and encourage her to talk to you directly.

More good advice (IMO!). I'm loving everyone's advice today!