I Feel At My Wit's End--updated pg 4

[MO Disney cruiser]

If I read everything right, the hat was not the only issue. Meet w/ the principal and take notes. Your DS is still being harrassed. Keep going up the chain. Eventually, someone will listen. If for no other reason than to shut you up.

My dd had a bullying problem in middle school too. I told the office that if this doesn't stop ASAP, me or my DH would come to school every day; all day and make sure it doesn't happen.

Also told dd, you're bigger than they are. Take care of it and I'll take care of the consequences. She never did that. Too sweet of a personality.

Good luck

 

[BrinxFam]

Don't back down! and don't let this fall by the wayside. I would still go directly to the superintendent and make my presence known. It sounds like some is protecting the bullies. Go ahead and put the school district on notice that if anything else happens everyone in the community will know by way of the local media and that if necessary you will involve an attorney to protect your family. If you don't persue this now the recent events will not have as much importance in a few weeks or months. This is ridiculous but believe me it happens everywhere!

 

[mchames]

I have a couple of questions for you on a different angle. Is this school in a city or a small town where everybody knows everybody else? Do either of the "terrible twosome" have parents that work for the school system? Is there a reason that the school liason and principal would be protecting them ie: they know them personally from church, synagogue or youth sports? Are either of their parents "big players" in the community?

I ask these questions because sometimes you need to know what you are fighting against. Unfortunately, often the "status" of students or their parents play a big part in how situations like these are perceived and handled, zero tolerance or not, especially in smaller communities.

I grew up in a small town and went to a relatively small high school in a neighboring town (this was back in the mid-80's). There were two girls in my HS class that could do no wrong. It didn't matter how evil or "witchy" they were. They were both from the town the HS was in and were known by most of the teachers since birth. One was the daughter of the HS secretary and the other was the daughter of the President of the Board of Education. As students, we learned pretty quickly that these girls didn't always follow the same set of rules as anyone else by virtue of who their parents were and this effected how they were perceived by teachers and school staff. These girls were always polite and respectful to adults but evil and manipulative when the adults were not watching. In the case of the "secretary's daughter" staff saw her as the sweet five year old they had known for years not the witchy, manipulative teenager she had become and in the case of the school board president's daughter, school staff was afraid to "step on any toes".

This is just another perspective. From what you've already written, it doesn't look like you are dealing with ordinary bullies. Good luck.

Mary

 

[MO Disney cruiser]

I have a couple of questions for you on a different angle. Is this school in a city or a small town where everybody knows everybody else? Do either of the "terrible twosome" have parents that work for the school system? Is there a reason that the school liason and principal would be protecting them ie: they know them personally from church, synagogue or youth sports? Are either of their parents "big players" in the community?

I ask these questions because sometimes you need to know what you are fighting against. Unfortunately, often the "status" of students or their parents play a big part in how situations like these are perceived and handled, zero tolerance or not, especially in smaller communities.

I grew up in a small town and went to a relatively small high school in a neighboring town (this was back in the mid-80's). There were two girls in my HS class that could do no wrong. It didn't matter how evil or "witchy" they were. They were both from the town the HS was in and were known by most of the teachers since birth. One was the daughter of the HS secretary and the other was the daughter of the President of the Board of Education. As students, we learned pretty quickly that these girls didn't always follow the same set of rules as anyone else by virtue of who their parents were and this effected how they were perceived by teachers and school staff. These girls were always polite and respectful to adults but evil and manipulative when the adults were not watching. In the case of the "secretary's daughter" staff saw her as the sweet five year old they had known for years not the witchy, manipulative teenager she had become and in the case of the school board president's daughter, school staff was afraid to "step on any toes".

This is just another perspective. From what you've already written, it doesn't look like you are dealing with ordinary bullies. Good luck.

Mary

You are so correct Mary. I live in a small town. Sometimes it's throw caution to the wind and not care who these people are. My DH and I have done that several times and get such shocked looks it's kinda funny. We've only lived here 5 years. Came from a large city so I don't really care who these people are related to.

 

[Doug123]

I haven't read all the other replies. My answer, however, is that you contact the police. Just because it takes place in school doesn't mean these two kids are not committing a crime. Calling the police will get the attention of the principal, and the kids' parents.

 

[Microcell]

Have you spoken to the parents?

DS is in preschool, and there is a boy with what I would call in my professional (that would be Behavior Disorders) opinion "disturbed". He is very violent for a three year old. I had been communicating with the teacher all year about this, because at first, my DS was concerned because the boy targeted the little girls in the class and my DS didn't like it. Well now my DS has been exhibiting some of the behaviors at home, prompting me to say I don't want to have them in the same class next year. I punish my DS, and these parents kiss their son's rear end. That little boy is in control of that house.

After talking to the teacher and director, I found out that they have only recently even told that kid's parents that there is a problem at school! They were upset that they didn't know how upset my DS was over it all. I could tell they felt so bad about the effect thier child has on mine.

In your situation it sounds like maybe the other kids parents might know thier kid is a bully, but I wonder if they know about your Ds's situation in particular? They might be the typical bully parents and simply take offense, but if it was my son bullying yours, I would want to know, and I would come down hard on my DS. It maight be the wrong path, but if you have reasonable parents willing to raise thier son well, it might help.

 

[Chicago526]

Whatever you wind up doing, it's going to take some time to resolve. Meanwhile your son is still a target.

Since the school cannot or will not address the lock situation, don't let your son store ANYTHING in the locker that you ever want to see again or is costly to replace. This goes for textbooks, too. I would put it past these little poops (not the word I wanted to use ) to start destroying his text books next, trying to get him into trouble. So, no more storing hats, books, cd's, or anything else in the locker. Any personal items should be left at home, and he'll just have to carry his books from class to class from now on.

Next, he should never go anywhere alone. Before and after school, he needs to be with a friend or friends at all times. Witnesses may not totally stop the harrasment but will at least keep the severity of the abuse down. During school, same thing, he should walk to classes with other students and he should always try to be where the adults are. Even though the teachers seem to be useless so far, the bullies won't try anything too outragous with an adult nearby.

And like other posters have said, I'd also instruct him that if these boys try to hurt him, he's got full permision from you to defend himself, you'll deal with the fallout from school. His safety is more important than detentions at this point.

I still think you should pull your son out of school, get a lawyer, and see the principal about all of this. But if you can't do that, your son needs to stay as safe as possible.

 

[kilee]

We do live in a very small "country" town. Our school is one school for K-12. About 1200 kids in the entire school. I don't know if these boy's have parents in the school---as I don't know anything about the boys besides there names (and who they are visually).

I was going to contact the parents but I could not find any contact info on them, and the school won't release this information.

As for the meeting--- they cancelled on me. The prinicipal has never been willing to meet w/ me. She keeps telling me this is not the type of issue's she handles and I have to go through the Student Liason. The principal doesn't even take my calls, the secretary tells me I HAVE to speak to the liason.

Anyhow, I did call the superintendent's office of our school-- he's out until Monday. Left a message. I did try the police again this morning. Basically, I got the same run around- the village police where we live won't help because the school sits 1/8th of a mile out of the village. I need to contact the county sheriff's. I called them- and explained what my situation was. They took my # and had a chief call me back. He said that if the original hat was returned there is nothing they can do since technically the property wasn't vandalized or stolen. He said if I had made the report prior to the knowledge of the hat being unharmed- once the hat was returned they would of close the report anyhow, especially since it involves minors. They won't take the report.

I did in the end, for advice, contact the attorney we used for our house closing an dh's accident case (he's a general practice). He said he's never dealt with this sort of issue before. He is going to look around and see if someone does. Otherwise, he said I need more detailed dates. To basically keep track (since I only started a short while back). Write everything down. With enough information he'll send a letter to the state's dept of education to request an investigation he said .

My son has a cell phone- but they are not allowed in school and will be confinscated. He's been told that if anyone lays a hand on him again- he should go to the nurse and have it be the worst injury ever (thats the only way they'll call me). If he goes to the principal again- they're going to sweep it under the rug again. Also, by going to the nurse they'll file an injury report. If we go this route- I was advised by the sheriff we can file an assualt charge/report against the boys. I was told to be persistent and do the report right then and there though.

So, for now that's the game plan.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

and open up your notebook and write down

February 9, 2006. Requested meeting with Principal _________ cancelled in spite of his agreement to meet with me and discuss safety and harrassment issues.

Secretary ___________ refused to put call through to _________ to discuss concerns regarding missing lock from son's locker, and everything else you just told us.

also
I would recommend that you follow whatever your school's procedure is regarding your right to appeal whatever punishment they have devised concerning the missing lock on the locker.

If you don't mind my asking, what State do you live in? Many states have laws which require the schools to allow a student to carry a cell phone in their possession. They can be required not to have it out of the pockets and that it must be turned off, but they have to be allowed to carry it.

 

[BriarfoxinWA]

Boy I think I would take this to the media even if it is just a letter to the editor in the local paper. It's crazy that they won't do anything about this. I guess I'm sensative to this problem for a couple of reasons - my son's had similar issues and we live 20 miles for Moses Lake, WA

If that town name doesn't ring a bell - it is the first place in the nation where a school shooting took place. Ten years ago this year Barry Loukitas shot and killed his teacher and 2 students. He was a troubled kid that was picked on by school bullys - two of the boys he shot and killed.

 

[horseshowmom]

Does your district have an asst. supt.? If they do, try to see them as soon as possible instead of waiting for Monday.

There are laws against student harrassment in schools - remind them of that - and they are NOT providing your child with a safe and bully free envionment (which is required). Tell them that you are formally asking for their help (also present them with a written request that briefly outlines some of the incidents/dates/etc.).

Good luck!

 

[Tantor]

Oh Kilee. I can't believe this is happenign to your son. Some good advice from everyone. Keep track of everything that has happened and write it down. Everything , date, time etc. That helped us with our problem (most of you remember that one....) Getting an attorney is good but threatening to go to the media might get things rolling.
Major your way.

 

[hentob]

Does your middle school have payphones--mine did way back when. Can you instruct him to run and dial 911 from that payphone next time.

911 coming from a school will not be ignored

You can tell the bullying principal that was what you instructed your son to do.

Very good idea.

I feel so sorry for you.

I would hire an attorney. Today. Why the heck is the secretary involved in this? What is going on at that school?

 

[Trish Bessette]

I am so upset with all that I am reading I could just blow up!! I am so sorry for what you are dealing with. Seems like you are hitting dead ends with any angle you are trying and that is wrong.

I would not stop yelling until someone hears you. What about the media? Your whole family is in my thoughts!

My DD, 3rd grade, got a note handed to her from a boy in her class that said "Hey Pig" She gave it to her teacher and OMG the whole sky opened up. Here is what happened:

1 Teacher met with boy and my dd
2 Teacher then spoke to my dd about how she was feeling (my DD was more confused over the note than upset)
3 Teacher brought boy to Principal
4 Principal made boy call his Mom and explained what he did
5 Boy had to fill out a "bullying" log
6 Principal had one final meeting with the two - all is fine!
7 My DD teacher called me that night to make sure all is fine
8 Principal called me the next day to make sure all is fine

I was floored! LIke I said my DD was more confused over the note than mad.

 

[horseshowmom]

Also, if you can't get an asst. supt., ask them who handles Title IV (Safe and Drug-Free Schools) and ask to meet with them. Once they see that you're very serious about this, you may see a better reaction.

 

[disallday!]

Everything I would do has been posted... I would go to the state like said and let them know you want to involve legal process since no one seems concerned.

Please send your son our best wishes, I have one his age and a couple of years ago, he went thru the same thing pretty badly. Things seem to be better...

Let him know it is not him, for some reason these foolish kids have an insecurity and try to play it out on someone else!!

It's sick to think that someone does this to feel better about themselves!

Our love, thoughts, and prayers to him!

 

[Poohnatic]

I wouldn't be surprised if the secretary gave a heads up to the boys, they put the hat back and took the lock. She was 'watching' to take the heat off of them. It is quite probable that one of this kids is a neighbor, a friend's child, attends her church, etc. It's way too odd to chalk up to 'coincidence'.

Take your complaint up the chain. The local Superintendant isn't available? Go to the state contact. Lawyer and media talk will speed a resolution. This principal is ineffective-attending school without bullying is a MINIMUM expectation.

I was the kid picked on in 6th grade. My teacher didn't stop the behavior, nor helped to prevent the occurances until my mom went in to address my absences (missing school but still getting top grades, mind you). When my mom went on a tear, I was called into the principal's office and asked for names and as many specifics as possible. It stopped as soon as the parents were called. This was minor in comparison I was just called names. The lack of intervention by the principal is appalling!

Suzanne

 

[MO Disney cruiser]

Instead of call the principal, can you just show up before school? It's hard to ignore you that way.

More hugs to you and DS

 

[barkley]

i'm surprise at the police position on this. around here (and in most parts) the law is pretty clear on theft-if you steal something weather you bring it back or not your are still legaly accountable for the theft (i mean, if these 2 kids stole a car and then dumped it back in front of the owner's house would they still not be prosecutable?). seems like having the ruined hat to tie them to the scene of the crime would be the evidence necessary to make a conviction stick.

p.s.-unclear-unless they interviewed the bullies and got the information about them using a sib's hat how did the info. about that come out? if your ds heard it then they are blabbing to someone/s. i think there needs to be some interviewing of people on a grand scale in this circumstance. (in some schools having knowledge of a crime or bullying and not coming forward to report the info. to the proper person can result in disciplinary action as well).

 

[Chicago526]

Any updates?