I don't know what the title should be. Looking for reassurance maybe.

[justventing]

OK, here goes nothing. I made a new user id for this post, I've been here several years and know a lot of you IRL too. I'm just not ready for this to be "public" to people in real life. If that makes sense...

I don't know why I'm posting, I guess for advice. Or maybe for someone to tell me everything is going to be ok. Or something. I don't know. I don't really have anyone to talk about it with here yet.

I've been with my fiancee for a little over 7 years. We have a WDW wedding plannned. I have no kids, he has two who consider me their stepmom. For all emotional purposes they are my children, I love them like they are my own.

Earlier in the relationship he was unfaithful. We worked through things and came out on the other side stronger I thought. To be perfectly honest I probably overlooked more things than I should have because if our relationship ended I would lose the kids too. I'm just the fiancee/future stepmom, I have no rights. I know now I shouldn't have done this, but hindsight...

Fast forward, about two months ago he took a contract job in another city (few hours driving from here). He was working Fri-Sun night (not unusual for industry) The industry he works in bills when a job is done, so not having any income coming in yet was not anything to be suspicious over. Due to him not being able to see the kids because he's been working I decided to email his ex (we have a "working" relationship due to the kids) this past Saturday and ask her if I could pick up the kids on Sunday to surprise him for Fathers Day when he got home that night. I haven't seen them since this job started and missed them too, so I would also be able to spend some time with them.

No response which was odd. When he gets home I told him I was trying to plan the surprise for him, but never heard back on getting the kids. He seemed almost angry at me about it.

Finally I get an email back from her yesterday telling me that he had picked the kids up as normal and they spent the weekend at his new girlfriends house. (apparently this wasn't the first time) She said he told her we had split up a while back and not to email me any longer. So of course she was very confused once she got my email asking to pick the kids up.

I confronted him, he denied. I asked for proof that he was in this other city doing this job, gas/food receipts, anything. He said he paid cash for it all. He then said that he's known for a while things weren't working out with us and was just afraid to tell me. He packed a bag and left, said he would work on getting everything out of the house soon.

I'm devastated to be honest. I emailed the kids mom and pretty much pleaded my case with her hoping that she will let me stay in contact with the kids. I'm heartbroken. It's one thing if he just doesn't want to be with me but I'm losing so much more than just a relationship. (if that makes sense)

I guess on top of everything else I'm just scared. I'm 36 and quite frankly I've never been "alone" as an adult. From when I moved out of my parents house I had a roommate, from there got married/divorced and then moved into this relationship after that. The house is mine so that's not an issue, I'll stay there with the dogs. It's just I guess I'm intimidated at being alone again and I guess just starting over. My confidence/self-esteem has taken quite the beating from this and the past infidelity and I'm really uncomfortable with reaching out for new friends, etc again. I don't know.

Wow, this has gotten long and rambling but I feel better for writing it out. I think I need a "How to Live Life" guidebook or something because I feel totally lost.

Thanks.

 

[MAKmom]

That really stinks I hope you feel better soon.

 

[JerseyJanice]

Not to be trite, but breaking up is hard to do. It's way better you found out now than after the wedding.

I know you care a lot about the kids, but keeping a relationship with them may not be the best thing for you in the short term. It'll give you a reason to stay connected to him, and what you need is a clean break. Let's face it--the guy is a lying, cheating dog. You need to get him out of your life completely.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's devastating, I'm sure.

 

[JessicaR]

Do you have any family close by that you can share this with? I'm so sorry. He doesn't deserve you but I'm sure you know that. I HOPE you have no intentions of working it out with this two time loser. He'll do it again.

I'm sorry about the relationship with the kids but you'll just have to see where that goes. It may not be the way you hope for but you MUST move on from this relationship and that may mean severing all ties.

Counseling would be a very good first place to start.

I wish you the best. I'm so sorry you were hurt again.

 

[luvmy3]

I don't even know what to say except I'm sorry you are going through this

 

[DMickey28]

Wow, that really stinks. I am sorry that this happened to you. Obviously, it's so much better that it happened now vs. after the wedding. I know it must hurt to feel like you are losing the kids too .... I wish I had advice on that.

HUGS.

 

[southernbohemian]

I am so sorry you are going through this. No one deserves to be treated this way. I understand that the pain is intensified because you are not just losing a fiance, but also a family. Unfortunately, even if you had gotten married (thankfully not!) and then divorced, you would still not have any claims to the kids. You have to just come to terms with the fact that you loved them as much as you could while they were in your life and that is all you can do.

 

[Tinkerbell21]

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this as I can't even imagine how hard it must be. My thoughts are with you in this difficult time and just know that each day will get easier.

 

[Scurvy]

I'm sorry. I have no advice, but the whole situation stinks. Even though it's better that it happened now rather than after your wedding, there's never a good time for something like this to happen. I hope that you are able to maintain some contact with the kids, if for no other reason than so they know you didn't stop caring about them. But as another poster mentioned, maintaining close contact with them might not be the best move for you right now. The guy sounds like an idiot, and though it probably doesn't seem like it right now you are well rid of him. I am sorry you're going through this, though.

 

[Tinkermommy]

I am so sorry you are going through this.

If you want any advice, here's what I have to offer.

1. Don't let his lying, cheating, sorry *** ways make you think badly about yourself. This is all on him sister.

2. Not all men are like him, so please when your ready to start dating again go in with an open mind. But don't go in blinded either.

3. It is clear from your post you love and care about these children. I am sure they miss you as well. I don't know if I would try to carry on the relationship with them at this point. As others have said it will keep you tied to him and not sure that is good and they now have another woman in their life too whether they like it or not. Perhaps you could ask their mom if you could send them cards at their birthday/holidays. It may be nice for them to know you are still thinking of them without putting in demands for their time.

As I said this is unsolicited advice so feel free to disregard.

I wish you all the best.

 

[Luvchefmic]

I understand how you must be feeling. I also think it could have been much harder on you in the long run had you married this man. As far as keeping in touch with the children please understand that since you are not going to be their step-Mom it wouldn't be fair to try to still belong in their life. I would cut all ties, no emails to their Mom. Let him get his stuff out of your house asap. Now you have to focus on the new life you will have. If you can volunteer somewhere it will help you and the ones you help. You mentioned you have dogs...they will never let you down and will keep all your secrets and your tears.

One of my favorite authors is Maya Angelou, her life has been extremely difficult and her writings are inspiring. I recommend all of her books. There
is a really great fquote for YOU in this situation:

"Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman"
— Maya Angelou

PLEASE try to remember that as you begin your new, and healthier, life

Here's a link for more from Maya:
http://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/3503.Maya_Angelou



Ruthie

 

[Handbag Lady]

OK, here goes nothing. I made a new user id for this post, I've been here several years and know a lot of you IRL too. I'm just not ready for this to be "public" to people in real life. If that makes sense...

I don't know why I'm posting, I guess for advice. Or maybe for someone to tell me everything is going to be ok. Or something. I don't know. I don't really have anyone to talk about it with here yet.

I've been with my fiancee for a little over 7 years. We have a WDW wedding plannned. I have no kids, he has two who consider me their stepmom. For all emotional purposes they are my children, I love them like they are my own.

Earlier in the relationship he was unfaithful. We worked through things and came out on the other side stronger I thought. To be perfectly honest I probably overlooked more things than I should have because if our relationship ended I would lose the kids too. I'm just the fiancee/future stepmom, I have no rights. I know now I shouldn't have done this, but hindsight...

Fast forward, about two months ago he took a contract job in another city (few hours driving from here). He was working Fri-Sun night (not unusual for industry) The industry he works in bills when a job is done, so not having any income coming in yet was not anything to be suspicious over. Due to him not being able to see the kids because he's been working I decided to email his ex (we have a "working" relationship due to the kids) this past Saturday and ask her if I could pick up the kids on Sunday to surprise him for Fathers Day when he got home that night. I haven't seen them since this job started and missed them too, so I would also be able to spend some time with them.

No response which was odd. When he gets home I told him I was trying to plan the surprise for him, but never heard back on getting the kids. He seemed almost angry at me about it.

Finally I get an email back from her yesterday telling me that he had picked the kids up as normal and they spent the weekend at his new girlfriends house. (apparently this wasn't the first time) She said he told her we had split up a while back and not to email me any longer. So of course she was very confused once she got my email asking to pick the kids up.

I confronted him, he denied. I asked for proof that he was in this other city doing this job, gas/food receipts, anything. He said he paid cash for it all. He then said that he's known for a while things weren't working out with us and was just afraid to tell me. He packed a bag and left, said he would work on getting everything out of the house soon.

I'm devastated to be honest. I emailed the kids mom and pretty much pleaded my case with her hoping that she will let me stay in contact with the kids. I'm heartbroken. It's one thing if he just doesn't want to be with me but I'm losing so much more than just a relationship. (if that makes sense)

I guess on top of everything else I'm just scared. I'm 36 and quite frankly I've never been "alone" as an adult. From when I moved out of my parents house I had a roommate, from there got married/divorced and then moved into this relationship after that. The house is mine so that's not an issue, I'll stay there with the dogs. It's just I guess I'm intimidated at being alone again and I guess just starting over. My confidence/self-esteem has taken quite the beating from this and the past infidelity and I'm really uncomfortable with reaching out for new friends, etc again. I don't know.

Wow, this has gotten long and rambling but I feel better for writing it out. I think I need a "How to Live Life" guidebook or something because I feel totally lost.

Thanks.

What a total dog. I'm so sorry he did this to you and in such a manner. I think he's a complete coward, too, and you can tell him I said that.

It is going to break your heart to not be the step-mom of these kids, too. I'd blame him for everything in that manner. But, there isn't much you can do. Will the mom let you at least have a goodbye lunch with them?

You will get through this. And look, you have your own house. You are on better grounds than some other women (and men!) who have been left high and dry by a scoundrel. When you can, pack up his things and tell him when he can come by and pick them up. Take the high road, but be in control. Don't let him dictate things for you and he has no "ownership" of you any longer. Doing that will up your self esteem like no one's business.

And if he says, "I'll be by on Saturday to get XXX." Tell him no, you have other plans. (Even if you don't.) And change your locks. This will also give you a leg-up in the YOU esteem.

 

[whatcateydid]

I'm really sorry that it's ended up like this for you. I really hope that the kids' mother is understanding of your situation and that you can keep in contact with them.

 

[punkin]

I am so sorry for you and even more sorry for those poor children. He really is a selfish pig. I wonder if their mother will let you see them occasionally...of course that may be too difficult for everyone involved. I have no advice, just . Hang in there.

 

[Cooky]

.

 

[AKL_Megs]

Everything happens for a reason...

This "everything" thankfully happened before the wedding, and now you can get out without all of the troubles that come along with a divorce.

I don't even know you, but I know you deserve better than this jerk who cheats on you without regard. You are worth more. Even if it hurts to walk away, it is better to get out.

You will find "yourself" again, and then one day, when you least expect it, you will find peace.

I also agree that it is best not to keep in contact with the children. Hard as it may be for you, I think it would be awkward and strange for the children. It would also make it harder for you to move forward.

So sorry this is happening to you.

 

[LisaInNc]

You poor thing!

Here is what is good about this. He showed his colors before you got married. For someone to treat another person like this is abhorrent.

Losing the kids is a terrible blow but it's probably unaviodable. I am sorry.

What you need to do it move forward. Rely on youre friends here, make new ones, tell your friends in real life that you need support. You need friends ot go out with, to eat with to talk with to get you through it.

Keep is posted on how you are doing!

Lisa

 

[Missy1961]

I am so sorry this happened to you. It stinks.

And I know it hurts, but I think you need to cut ties with the kids.

 

[Tinkh]

*huge hugs. I am so very sorry that this has happened to you. No one deserves this ever. Prayers sent that you will find peace in knowing that you are so much better off without someone who would treat you this horribly.

 

[Micca]

Wow, that's an awful story. Try to hang in there.