I don't know what the title should be. Looking for reassurance maybe.

[Luv2Scrap]

To OP,

I'm sorry this has happened to you. But maybe by sharing your story you will save some others in relationships some heartbreak. If someone has cheated once, it's more than likely they will do it again. Better to break off the relationship early, before there are too many entanglements.

For your sake, and for the children's, you need to break off the relationship with them. It will be painful, but really with time, it won't hurt so much.

You need to be on your own. Do not enter into another relationship, until you are able to be by yourself. Live alone with your dogs. Let all the emotional turmoil you are feeling subside.
It might be helpful for you to talk to a therapist. It can be therapeutic to let out all the feelings you have to someone who is not emotionally invested in you like a relative or friend is.

I recently came across a quotation, I'd like to share:

"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly."

Good luck and take care of yourself.

This is the best advice I ever got. Before I met my husband of seven years, I spent a year and a half on my own, and it was the first time I'd ever spent any time alone since I started dating!

In the beginning, I was constantly over at my family's houses, or out shopping, because I could not stand to be alone. Couldn't stand the thought of going home to what I felt was an empty house (even though I had a young son, I still felt like I "needed" a partner).

Finally my aunt told me I need to get comfortable with myself, and with being alone, and I realized she was right. Eventually, I came out of it much stronger and healthier emotionally.

It actually took less time than a year and a half, but there was also time spent trying to figure out how to get back into the dating scene without going out to bars. That's another whole thread.

 

[dare2dream]

I am so sorry for your suffering. I can tell that you really care for the kids but to try to continue your relationship with them may confuse them with a new GF in the picture.

It sounds like you have a lot of love to share - why not try volunteering with kids? Call your local elementary school about mentoring a child one on one, becoming a big sister to a child that needs one, or call your local Girl Scout Council about getting involved with a troop of girls.

Best of luck to you as you start this new phase of your life. I hope someday you can look back and see this was for the best for you.

 

[Magic Mom]

I'm so sorry. He sounds like an awful person. Not because he broke up with you, but because of the way he did it. I'm sure it doesn't feel this way now, but you are better off alone than with someone that would lie and cheat. Eventually your heart will know that too.

Turn to your family and friends for support. Work on being secure and confident before you develop another long term relationship. (((hugs)))

 

[DisTeach1]

He sounds like a complete loser. I hope you get the help and counseling you need.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

 

[Mary•Poppins]

Be strong! He doesn't deserve you!!!!

I know it is hard to be on your own, but you can do it. If this is the SECOND time he has cheated on you, there will be many more ... even after you are married.

I am sending lots of virtual hugs to you!

 

[focusondisney]

No advice, but just wanted to point out some amazing women who have been cheated on : Jackie Kennedy, Hillary Clinton, Halle Berry, Sandra Bullock, Princess Diana.


Not that it should make you feel better, but just know it is not you. Crappy things happen, even to amazing women. Good luck to you!

 

[Bluestars]

I'm sorry this has happened to you. What he did to you was horrible. You gave him another chance after he cheated on you, and then this happens. What a jerk. I believe that 99 times out of a 100, once a cheater, always a cheater. I think many of us have ignored warning signs before in relationships that were destined to failure because we thought things would get better.

Although it is better you found out before your marriage, I know that it is still heartbreaking. I'm sure you are very close to those children. They are probably very confused by their father's behavior. How sad for them.

I think the advice another poster had about having a goodbye lunch with them is a good idea. They need to know that the ending of the relationship between you and their father has nothing to do with them. I know it will hurt to say goodbye, but I think it would confuse them even more to have a relationship with you while their father is dating other women.

You deserve someone who will treat you with honesty, kindness, and respect. Never settle for less. There really are decent men out there.

 

[dislaney]

I am so sorry!

 

[It'sWDW4me]

First off, let me say how sorry I am that this happened to you. Do try to get your mind around the fact that he really did you a favor by showing his true spots before you married the lying, cheating, selfish, self-centered jerk!

You don't say how old the kids are. Since you were with this wastoid for 7 years, I'm assuming they're pre-teen/teen age. What a difficult, confusing time for them even without this drama!

I'm kind of in a situation like yours. You see, I am the mom of a wonderful DS of a wastoid. He cheated on me probably multiple times but I had no proof until the last time! We split when DS was just shy of 3. Ex married "J" when DS was 7. They have a DS who is now 5 and loves his older half-brother to bits. Wastoid and J split up about 2 years ago (surprise! he cheated on her). They were together for 6 years - from the time my DS was 6 until he was 12. J is his stepmom. DS loves her, her parents, and his brother very much.

DS is, as I type this, with J, her DS, and her parents camping for the weekend. He's also spent a few days over Christmas and Easter breaks and there's a weekend in August that he'll be with them.

My advice, FWIW: have a heart to heart with the mom. I'm positive she's heard from the kids how much they miss you, too; their confusion as to what the heck happened; their pain, sadness, and anger. She's probably heard their comments that "maybe dad will wake up" and realize he made a mistake. I heard all this and more from my DS. Depending on your relationship with mom, maybe the two of you can hash out some way of you maintaining a presence in the kids' lives.

I wish you the best on your new journey.

 

[bumbershoot]

OP I am so so sorry. What a rotten way to find out a rotten thing.


Those kids must be so confused. He's already letting the new person into their lives, that's so soon...and if they've seen you while he's been with the new person, that must be SO hard for them.


If the kids are older, old enough to remember who you are and know your contact info, I'd try to talk to their mom, let them know you will be there for them forever. If they are younger...well...that's harder.

You will get through this. And look, you have your own house. You are on better grounds than some other women (and men!) who have been left high and dry by a scoundrel. When you can, pack up his things and tell him when he can come by and pick them up. Take the high road, but be in control. Don't let him dictate things for you and he has no "ownership" of you any longer. Doing that will up your self esteem like no one's business.

And if he says, "I'll be by on Saturday to get XXX." Tell him no, you have other plans. (Even if you don't.) And change your locks. This will also give you a leg-up in the YOU esteem.

All of that is very true, and good advice! Take it!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

 

[DisneyFan32WI]

This was a very long relationship for you, so the pain won't heal anytime soon. The best piece of advice I can give you is this: Resist the urge to call, text, or e-mail him.

I think cutting ties with his children is also the best thing. He got caught cheating a couple times by you. How many times DIDN'T HE??

It is a hard way to find out the truth. It has to be time to move on. You will never, ever trust this man again.

((((hugs)))))) to you. I am sorry you feel so alone. It is such an empty feeling. Keep us all updated and feel free to vent anytime.....we are all here for you!!!

 

[angie@dvcstore]

Im so sorry your going threw this it sounds very devastating. Have faith that everything will turn out good and pray. Hope everything gets better for you soon

 

[chloelovesdisney]

I am so sorry, he is a giant creep, good riddance. You deserve better!

 

[sunnyday123]

First of all, there is absolutely no reason you should feel like you have to hide behind a different name because of what HE did! He's a scummy cheating bum. It has no bearing on you.

Do not let him dictate when he gets his stuff. Put it in the front yard and tell him to come get it before the trash men do. Don't text, email, or call him telling him how much you miss him. In fact, when he does call, call him a different name. "Oh, I thought this was Tom!" Let him go with grace and gratitude to the dummy who took him in. And know if he did it with her, he'll do it to her. ( Cheating.)

Seven years is a long time to be in the kids lives. Talk to the Mom, see if you can still see them occasionally. God knows they are going to need as much stability in their lives with him as a father.

Take some time to be with you-and just you. You have to like being around yourself before anyone else will, and let me tell you, nothing reeks worse than desperation. ( not that you are ) Have fun. Do things out of the norm for you-nothing dangerous mind you, but do things YOU want to do, not having to make decisions based on someone else's wants is amazingly fun!

 

[Micca]

I am so sorry, he is a giant creep

I'd say that's a generous description Chloe, but it's a good place to start.

 

[Pumbaa_]

You have been handed a gift. You have dodged a major bullet

Before you committd to marriage and legal ties, he has shown his true colors. This is the gift. There is no question about what happened, you don't have to wonder what is going on. You know!

Now is hte time for self-discovery. Mourn the loss of what you had hoped to have (since he is not the man you thought he was).

Get comfortable being in your home. You have pets to keep you company. What have you always wanted to do? Now you have the gift of time to explore whatever you want

Hard with the kids. If you can have closure, awesome. Don't be afraid to be alone. You WILL come out of this stronger than you went in

 

[Amy&Dan]

I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like he is just a chronic cheater and will probably always be that way.

I agree with others in that its a blessing it happened now, instead of after marriage. If you'd been married, the whole house issue would possibly be messed up, now at least its still all yours.

I also agree that it might be best if you don't see the kids. Maybe one last time to just say goodbye and have the closure, but an ongoing relationship with them is an ongoing relationship with him. Which is the last thing you need.

Again, I am so sorry. You didn't deserve this and in time, I think you'll come to realize how strong you are. In the beginning of a breakup, its always natural to feel bad about yourself even though you shouldn't. Just know that the stink of this breakup is on him, not you!

Hang in there and best of luck to you.

 

[luvsmickeymouse]

I understand how you must be feeling. I also think it could have been much harder on you in the long run had you married this man. As far as keeping in touch with the children please understand that since you are not going to be their step-Mom it wouldn't be fair to try to still belong in their life. I would cut all ties, no emails to their Mom. Let him get his stuff out of your house asap. Now you have to focus on the new life you will have. If you can volunteer somewhere it will help you and the ones you help. You mentioned you have dogs...they will never let you down and will keep all your secrets and your tears.

One of my favorite authors is Maya Angelou, her life has been extremely difficult and her writings are inspiring. I recommend all of her books. There
is a really great fquote for YOU in this situation:

"Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman"
— Maya Angelou

PLEASE try to remember that as you begin your new, and healthier, life

Here's a link for more from Maya:
http://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/3503.Maya_Angelou



Ruthie

This quote says it all.