I could use some advice on how to deal with my nephew.

[Tuffcookie]

I have a nephew (age 29) who has never amounted to a hilll of beans. I believe he suffers from depression but he is not the type to get any help and always blames others for everything bad that has happened to him. As most of you know, I look after my DM, who has cancer. She is 79 but is still living alone in her home. My sister and I take her to Cleveland Clinic for periodic check-ups and she has a doctor here in town. Lately, the nephew has been going to see mom pretty often and it's never for a pleasant visit but only to cry on her shoulder about how bad he is financially and how he doesn't know how he's going to make it this month. He doesn't come right out and ask for money but he knows how to make my mom feel bad for him and offer it. Mom feels bad for him and has been giving him money (I haven't pressured her about how much). Tomorrow he is coming to her house and she is going to drive him to Lenscrafters so he can get his eyes examined and new glasses! He will probably be very choosy about what frame he gets. Also, I learned today that he has told her he is sleeping in his car so of course, mom offered him a place to stay. Thank goodness he turned her down this time. We have talked about this before and I told her not to offer him a place to stay or I would be over there in a flash and I would make a fuss! This is my brother's son. My brother commited suicide in 1985. My DM found him hanging. I know she feels that my nephew may take the same path as my brother so she's racked with guilt! I acknowledge her feelings but I am angry that he seems to be taking advantage of her. How should I handle this. Would you have a talk with him? Although I don't want to cause him to do anything, my main concern has to be my mom's health. I need some objective advice here. Thanks.

TC

 

[WillyJ]

First of all, I can certainly understand why your frustrated. . it sounds like your nephew is a bit of a con artist and if I were in your position I'd be worried about him taking advantage of your mom too. .


On the other hand. . . I think it is important to find out how much money she is giving him. Is it nickle and dime stuff? or amounts that will end up hurting her financially?

If it isn't anything significant, I think I'd keep a close eye on the situation but let it go for now. It could be that being sick and older she might feel a bit like a burdon to everyone else, and maybe you nephew makes her feel needed. . .

I sure wouldn't take a stand over the glasses deal; if she were handing him cash it would be different, but that seems to be as much of an outing for her as it does him taking advantage. .


Just guessing here TC; and like I said I can sure understand why the situation is concerning you and even ticking you off a little. . . but maybe she's getting something out of it too that isn't apparent at first glance.

Or maybe he really is milking her dry, and in that case you need to bring the hammer down on him. . LOL!!

Good luck with it . .

 

[Tuffcookie]

Thanks for your response, Willie. I'm not concerned about the glasses or other amounts of money that she's given. However, I don't want to see him move in with her. She's doing good to take care of herself without having to take care of him, which is what would happen if he did.

TC

 

[Angelrose]

Tuffcookie I'm so sorry for what you are going through. My cousins' son just committed suicide a month ago. He was bipolar. He could never get his life in order and was on drugs. He stole from his mother and dad for drug money. They used up all of their retirement money on drug rehab for him. You have to watch that your nephew doesn't wring your mother dry. Your mother has to realize that depression is a disease and it is heriditary. No one is to blame for it. Your nephew will either get the help he needs or not. It is his choice. Please don't let your mom feel guilty about her son or her grandson.

 

[Rock'n Robin]

This worries me. My uncle was mentally ill and really took advantage of my grandmother. She lived 7 blocks away from us. If he was staying with her he would take stuff and go sell it. He thought the devil was talking to him. It got to the point that once I went to rake her leaves and he was there, and I pedaled my 10 speed like crazy to go home and tell my mom about it.
A couple of years before Grandma died he pushed her down some stairs and my mom got him out of there and threatened him with legal action if he ever showed up again. When she died, he went through the money she left him in about 2 years. No one has heard from him since and we are happy with that. Last I knew he was living in a shelter in Toledo.
Please no one flame me for having no pity, but I would worry about your mom first and foremost and try to keep your nephew the heck out of her life as much as you can.
Robin M.

 

[Saffron]

:::Just puttin' on my flame resistant suit here:::

Before doing anything TC, I would talk to your mother. I'm just guessing that she's capable of making decisions for herself. If she is, then you need to hear how she feels about what's happening before you step in. I know it's tough; I'm very protective of my mother, so I know how it feels. If your mom is capable of making her own decisions, then you need to hear her out on this, no matter how hard it if for you. He is her grandson. I would talk to her before you talk to him. Maybe she'll welcome you stepping in, maybe she won't.

Okay flame away.

 

[annemariec]

Originally posted by Tuffcookie
Thanks for your response, Willie. I'm not concerned about the glasses or other amounts of money that she's given. However, I don't want to see him move in with her. She's doing good to take care of herself without having to take care of him, which is what would happen if he did.

TC

What an awful situation. He's 29 and doesn't have it together. Sad. Does he have a job? If so does he work steadily? --- Just curious, what happened to his mother?

It might be a good idea to find out the details of how much money your mother has given him and how often. If he is getting used to having the "extra income", he may come to rely on it and expect it. If he does have a mental problem he could become aggitated and maybe violent if he doesn't continue to get it. Kind of what Rock'nRobin described.

This may not sound nice, but your mother is not helping him. And she needs to know it. It's a situation that is easy for him to go to her for money because it works. (He needs to find another source, preferably a paycheck.) I'm sure it appears to her that she is helping, as it is an immediate remedy for a long term problem. ---- But she is also putting herself in a very bad situation.

If it's ok with your mom, and if it were my nephew, I'd consider talking to him (maybe even with your mother present for impact) and offer to go over his finances with him and come up with a plan for him to work towards getting a better financial footing. Also, if it's ok with your mom, I'd even let him know she's on a fixed income and can not keep subsidising him. That may help put things in "perspective" for him. --- Even if she can, he needs to learn to stand on his own feet. And he won't learn if she is always there as his safety net. What will he do when she isn't around? Something to think about. JMHO.

Lastly, you are right not to let this guy move in with your mother. What an abysmal mess that would be.

Annemarie

 

[cgcw]

Just my 2 cents.....be very careful if you feel there is the possibility of mental illness. I have a brother who is mentally ill -- bi-polar and schitzophrenia (?? spelling). He was the nicest person to my mom after she had her stroke and became her personal caregiver. It became a job to him -- something he could handle doing and did so better than any of us could have ever imagined doing ourselves. Until he got sick.....

Never in a million years would I have thought that my brother could inflict any harm on my mom but he did. He had visions that my mom was going to die of a heart attack so he would save her the pain and he attempted to save her the trouble. Although my mom survived the attempt on her life, it has changed all of us in many, many way. What my brother didn't know, and we didn't know at the time, was the visions he saw of a heart attack were in fact true -- except that it wasn't my mom who was having the heart attack but another one of my brothers. My other brother died 2 days later of a heart attack.

The mind is a strange, strange, complex thing. Who knows what controls the brains. I just know in my case that if someone had told me that my brother could have done what he did, I wouldn't have believed it for a second.

Good luck and please be careful.

 

[Serena]

TC, I would probably give him more than my .02 cents worth and not make the situation any better.

I'd go with the advice already given.

Take care.

 

[Tuffcookie]

Well, I just talked to my sister about this. She came up with an idea I hadn't thought of. We will try to find the nephew housing he can afford so we don't have to worry about him moving in with mom. I have a few connections with the local housing authority so I will definately be calling them on Monday.

TC

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

<font color=navy>Good luck, tc.

and ... hugs ...

 

[shortbun]

I like your attitude about the money and time. I think
you are right to draw the line about him living with her-
it would be too hard on her. I also like the suggestion
that you discuss this with your mom. She's always run
her own life, raised you and your siblings and this
young man is her grandson. she probably has some pretty
strong opinions about how much interference she wants
from anyone-but...would welcome the help you and your
sister are thinking about giving your nephew. It COULD
be that this young man is finding solace and comfort at
your mother's house-and rightfully so, she's his grandmother.
We all need family, in different ways and on different levels.
She and you are right to worry about him if he's drifting
and his dad was a suicide victim. Keep your help coming
from the right place-like you are now and share a little
of your concern with your mom so she knows she can
ask for help if needed.

 

[Pembo]

TC-No advice here just lots of hugs and pixie dust. I think you are on the right track about calling the housing authority. There are many agencies out there that can help him. Good luck!

 

[WillyJ]

I think that's an excellent idea TC!!!


And just to clarify my response; I defintely agree with you making a strong stand against him moving in with her. . . and finding him his own place sounds like a win-win solution!!


Continued luck and prayers with the situation my friend. . .

 

[annemariec]

That is a great idea, TC! I agree with WillyJ, it sounds like a win-win situation. Maybe the housing will be considerably less.....

I wish you the best in this.
Annemarie

 

[Tuffcookie]

Well, the weather turned pretty ugly overnight. I called mom and told her I would take the nephew to the eye doctor. I certainly don't want her out in the cold, much less driving around. The only way I see the nephew bettering his situation is if he gets a degree of some sort. I called my oldest DS who is 3 months older than his cousin. He is going to check into the Pell grant program at the University of Akron where he got his degree. If he could start working towards a degree (he is a very gifted artist) it might help his self asteem, which is pretty low at this point. But I can only suggest these things to him, he's got to want it for himself.

TC