I could cry!!!! In-law troubles!!!!

[HGD24]

As someone who has lost both my parents and inlaws, I tend to think of how short life is and how quick we can lose our loved ones. You want to tell your in-laws that you will plan a trip with them down the road. How will you feel if it never comes? What if something happens to one or both of them or any of you for that matter before that time comes?

I've lost many, many close family members and if anything, I've learned to live my life to do what makes me and my family (DH & DD) happy and what's best for us. Also, I don't believe in letting negative people stay in my life. Life is stressful enough without the added stress of having negative people around you. Sounds like the OP's IL's thrive on negativity. DH has a family member like that and when he's around, I make myself scarce.

 

[disykat]

I think I'd want my dh to flat out ask them why they want to go. "You don't like theme parks, you've made it clear you don't like DW's family, why do you want to go?"

I agree that if they really want to vacation with you, then you need to make separate plans with them to do so.

If it's about a birthday, birthdays can be celebrated on different days. The only time my parents and my inlaws have been together for a birthday is my boy's first birthdays. They are also together for baptisms, confirmations, graduations, etc. - any one time things that happen at a specific time.

If they don't get along, it's all about minimizing time together to keep those times they come together from being impossible!

 

[roscoepc1]

Oooooooh I like this idea....and perhaps we will need to have a yearly convention....I know the perfect destination

Well of course we do! Our Association credit card will give us Disney rewards for each dollar charged!

 

[Tenuviel]

I think I'd want my dh to flat out ask them why they want to go. "You don't like theme parks, you've made it clear you don't like DW's family, why do you want to go?"

I agree that if they really want to vacation with you, then you need to make separate plans with them to do so.

If it's about a birthday, birthdays can be celebrated on different days. The only time my parents and my inlaws have been together for a birthday is my boy's first birthdays. They are also together for baptisms, confirmations, graduations, etc. - any one time things that happen at a specific time.

If they don't get along, it's all about minimizing time together to keep those times they come together from being impossible!

My biggest hurdle with discussing this with DH was the birthday thing. He seems to think his parents have some right to be with DS on his birthday. This is silly to me. I mean if we around and available to see them on his birthday- sure, but it isn't a guarentee. If I was on a trip with his fam for one of Logan's birthdays my fam would just celebrate another day- no biggie. I didn't get that arguement at all.

 

[smiles&grins]

I think your DH needs to address the treatment of you and your family away from the trip idea. If this is talked about with the trip it will be all about how you and your family don't want them to go(something that's your fault again). You'll never get to the issues at hand. They just make it about you guys being selfish. Try to get your DH to just deal with how they treat you & your family - your trips a long way away if they change their ways maybe then you can revisit the idea of them coming on the trip. If no change you gave them a chance and they just took the rope and hung themselves.

Playing devils advocate too... I think they just want to see your son's reactions to being in Disney. You said they like to cruise maybe a Disney cruise with them. If they have a special trip with him too maybe they won't care about this 1st trip?? Make that a special trip too his next B-day or right before he starts school( a big boat trip for a big boy). Sell them on one of those cool surprising ways of telling him. Good luck and you and your DH need to stick together on whatever you decide.

 

[mom2faith]

Oooooooh I like this idea....and perhaps we will need to have a yearly convention....I know the perfect destination

Where??



We could get shirts with Minnie Mouse holding a pitch fork - we are the Evil Daughter In Laws!!

Seriously though, DH's family has always been terrible to my family (referring to them as white trash, stating my dad did not take care of us properly because my mom had to work, etc). I was also told right before the wedding that I had to learn to "act like a lady now". The thing is, they are not rich, they are not well-to-do snobs, they just act like they are. MIL never even got her license or a job. And now that the boys are all grown up she is literally going a little coo-coo!!

It is nice to know that others have the same problem. You feel a little more normal and less evil.

We recently decided enough was enough. DH did finally "man up" and gave them the ultimatum - they accept all 3 of us (DH, DD and I) or none of us. We have not heard from then since. I guess if that is their decision, it is for the better. DH is not even that upset. I think he realizes that his mom has real problems and that he cannot "fix" her. We are getting along way better since the decision, and things are going good. It was sad last week when DD asked if Gramme was still her Gramme. We said, yes she is, and she loves you, she is just really busy right now. What else can we say. We will not stoop to her level and bad-mouth her.

Anyways, good luck to you and your DH. I hope your situation turns out better than ours!!

Amy

 

[Tenuviel]

Where??



We could get shirts with Minnie Mouse holding a pitch fork - we are the Evil Daughter In Laws!!

Seriously though, DH's family has always been terrible to my family (referring to them as white trash, stating my dad did not take care of us properly because my mom had to work, etc). I was also told right before the wedding that I had to learn to "act like a lady now". The thing is, they are not rich, they are not well-to-do snobs, they just act like they are. MIL never even got her license or a job. And now that the boys are all grown up she is literally going a little coo-coo!!

It is nice to know that others have the same problem. You feel a little more normal and less evil.

We recently decided enough was enough. DH did finally "man up" and gave them the ultimatum - they accept all 3 of us (DH, DD and I) or none of us. We have not heard from then since. I guess if that is their decision, it is for the better. DH is not even that upset. I think he realizes that his mom has real problems and that he cannot "fix" her. We are getting along way better since the decision, and things are going good. It was sad last week when DD asked if Gramme was still her Gramme. We said, yes she is, and she loves you, she is just really busy right now. What else can we say. We will not stoop to her level and bad-mouth her.

Anyways, good luck to you and your DH. I hope your situation turns out better than ours!!

Amy

Wow! This is exactly where I see us heading sadly...but I was talking to my co-worker and she pointed out that if they care so little about us that they are will to cut us off because of a disagreement that we are coming to them in spirit of reconciliation and making things right, then do we really want them around? The answer to that in my book is no- hands down. Will it be sad and will it hurt, sure, but if they care for us that little maybe it will be for the best.

 

[Captain_Hook]

You may sound harsh, but you are right. It is partially my fault, for years I found it easier to just work to keep our families apart rather than address the issue out of fear that it would result in my DH losing his parents (they have a habit in his family to simply cut off the people they have conflicts with), but a good friend of mine pointed out that they know that we are scared to say anything and therefore know they can get away with it. I just got off the phone with my DH and when they get back from Hawaii we are going to have to sit down with them and discuss them not going on this trip AND the reason why they are not invited (their treatment of my family).

Sounds like we have the same in-laws. Are you sure you don't live in Md??? I'm surprised they want to go on this trip if they don't like your family that much. Must be the jealous type!

Good luck -- it is a tough situtation to be in, but as long as you and your husband can get on the same page -- it will work out!

 

[Tenuviel]

Must be the jealous type!

You hit the nail on the head!

I sent a message to my DH- I express myself better and with less emotion when I write things out. I told him when he (or we) talk to them we should just put it out there. "Look- we know you don't like her/my parents, and we know that you don't enjoy theme parks. We don't understand why you would want to go on this trip? WE (emphasis on the WE) think it would be better for everyone involved if we make plans for a trip with just our family at a different date, and then we can pick a trip/place that all of us would enjoy." Or something along those lines.

 

[Sophie_2003]

Let me join the b*^%$ club (rhymes with witch).

DH has an AWFUL family. he has 4 siblings he barely sees and his mother is a total nutjob who judges me constantly, worse judges my kid. I am like a wounded lionness when she's around. We didn't even invite any of them to our wedding (we told them after we eloped...which we kinda did, however with my immediate family).

So when these kinda things come up I make him tell her I am the one who does not wish to have her along. I have gotten some nasty voicemails and emails from her, but I really don't care.

Now where IS that pitchfork?!?

 

[ilandrazdsw]

Goody! Can we have t-shirts and memebrship cards??? How about our own Association credit card???

My address is xxx yyy 12345...please send mycard and T-shirt asap!!! Hey do we get WDW credits with the card???

I can totally symapthize. Fortunately my parents and ILs can be in the same room together. My parents see the kids more (because they are retired) so they actually encourage for ILs to take the kids if DH and I have to go out of town (which lately we have had to) so they can spend more time with them. But a vacation...no way...not for my stress factor (or DH & kids).

I went from being the favorite DIL to the witch with a capital B. Hey, I am fine with being disliked (although I am still a step up from one of my SILs) IF I earn it . We are moving FAR away (to where I used to live) and DH's parents are blaming me when infact it was DH's idea and due to HIS fathers attitude (they work together ). FIL told DH's cousin that DH is whipped...I asked DH if he was going to correct FIL as to why we are moving...DH said only *IF* FIL brought it up...UGH! And to make it worse FIL is trying to "corrupt" DD3 and DS5 about moving...where my parents totally understand and are completely supportive (then again they are palnning to move too). I am an only and DH is one of 4...but we do have 2 of the 3 grandkids on DH's side.

So when is that first meeting???

 

[mom2faith]

Wow! This is exactly where I see us heading sadly...but I was talking to my co-worker and she pointed out that if they care so little about us that they are will to cut us off because of a disagreement that we are coming to them in spirit of reconciliation and making things right, then do we really want them around? The answer to that in my book is no- hands down. Will it be sad and will it hurt, sure, but if they care for us that little maybe it will be for the best.

Sadly, they are never going to accept me, and I am OK with that. But they forget that Faith (DD) is 1/2 me. So whether they like it or not, if they want her in their lives, they are stuck with me. I am fine with this, it is easier to let go then to go through the repeated hurt - KWIM?

For example at Christmas DH got an Ipod with speakers, several shirts and a gift card. DD got tons of toys and clothes. I got a sweater (that did not fit). I mean, it is so blatent!! If they think that Faith has not caught on, they are mistaken. She knows that Gramme does not like Mommy. Anyways, every Christmas was like this. And everytime we went over there something was said to hurt me. You say you are strong, and you try not to let it hurt, but deep down, it does. Especially when you really have done nothing to deserve it.

As far as daughter-in-laws go, I thought I was pretty awesome. I made her a quilt for her anniversary with pictures of all her boys, their birthdays and other important dates, wedding photos, etc. Hand-cut, hand-quilted...she opened it and said "James' birthday is wrong". I offered to fix it and she said no. We have never seen it since. (BTW - I got DH to review it several times to ensure I had everything correct, he missed the error too, but is it his fault, nope it is all mine).

My point is, not having them around is actually better for us. We fight less, I am happier and I am not getting hurt all the time. I also do not have to worry about what they are saying to DD about me and my family. Yeah, it is hard, but it really was their choice. If they phoned us tomorrow and said they wanted to reconcile, we would (with some conditions). But, I kind of hope they don't - KWIM?

I really wish you good luck. Your situation sucks!! But sadly, it is in your DHs hands as to what you are going to do. for you!! I know this is putting a terrible strain on your marriage!!

Oh, and I just have to tell you what the final straw was - it is kind of funny!!

At the end of last year, MIL was looking after DD. I came to pick DD up and they were in the backyard. I called out and no one heard, so I just went in the yard. MIL's stupid dog, a bichon-****zu (sp??) came at me and bit me, tore my jeans and drew blood. I tried to remain clam but I was pissed!! I left, and called the Health Line to make sure I did not need shots. I did have to go in just in case but, thankfully did not need the shots.

Anyhoo, DH calls his dad to talk about this saying Shasta is a bad dog and he is concerned about her being around the children (keep in mind while at the hospital they tried to get us to report the dog to the SPCA, but we refused thinking MIL and FIL would deal with it appropriately). Well, FIL threw us for a loop when he said that the dog "alledgedly" bit me and that no one was actually there to see it. Are you kidding?!?!?! The dog drew blood and tore my jeans!! Why would I lie about that??

FIL and MIL decided it was an attempt for me to take Faith away from them once and for all. DH was actually laughing thinking they were kidding - but they weren't. We took photos of my jeans and the bite, but nope - they said I jabbed myself with a pen and tore my jeans myself. Huh?? I did this on the off chance that the dog would come at me so I could blame the dog??

So, MIL and FIL said that Faith and DH were welcome at their house, but until I admitted I lied, I am not welcome. That was it. Like I said fine by me.

 

[AmyMama2AvaNtheo]

If you planned a bday party or dinner for your son would his parents be invited or just yours??

maybe that is where your DHs bday argument comes in .. and I admit I do agree. When we have parties or special events we invite everyone and if they come they come, period.

Maybe yall need to be the bigger ones and just say OK, if you want to come we will go for 12days instead of 8 (or whatever) and yall can come the last 4days with us OR maybe have both sets of grandparents overlap on your DSs bday and you can all do a nice dinner together??

I think it is SO important that your son sees the love everyone has for each other ... if possible, of course. Both DH and I gave our families *the talk* and said either you are in it for OUR FAMILY or you are not here to have a productive relationship with us!

 

[Tenuviel]

Mom2faith----OMG!!!! I cannot believe that!!!! Here's a good one for you. My aunt and uncle see my son maybe twice a month. He is in the shy phase and will cry when they try to hold him, etc. My MIL found out we were going over there for dinner one night when she wanted us to come over and started crying to my DH claiming that Logan was going to think my aunt and uncle were his grandparents- not my IL. Ummmm okay lady----my DH actually laughed at her that time. Seriously- where did these crazy people come from?!?!?!?

 

[ckdsnynt]

My DH is very naive- and he honestly thought since they are not theme park/disney people they wouldn't want to go so it wouldn't be an issue. He wasn't looking at it from the perspective of his parents being competetive with mine, but rather a there is no way under normal circumstances they would want to do this....of course nothing is normal about my IL.


I think it would be better- which is the option I am pushing for- to plan a trip with his parents that would be something they would enjoy, like a cruise or Hawaii. They are not into rides or Mickey so them going to WDW in general seems like a disaster to me!

Maybe, just maybe, he thought his parents might want to spend some time at WDW with their grandchildren. Just a thought. After all, these are his parents.

But the second paragraph is a good option too that would allow them quality time with the grandkids and yet allow your parents time withthem too in a trip already in the planning stage. Win - win!

 

[roscoepc1]

I'm at the point that call display is my best friend. If she phones, I let it go to the machine. Then I tell dh his mother called, and he calls her back.

If dh wants to go out, and his mother is the only available childcare, he gets to call and ask her. If I do, I get an hour long runaround about how she guesses she cooould do it, if I Reeeeally neeed her toooo....but whyyyyy can't "your mother" ...meaning mine, do it.....as she ALWAAAAAYS has them so it's "your mother's turn"(yah right, once a year when the kids beg, MY mom watches them cheerfully anytime I ask)....even dh gets mad at that last bit.

And she NEVER accepted our disabled son, until he died, then she got to play the part of the loving, grieving Grandma.

She is not allowed to watch them if there is a chance in h-e-double-toothpicks she might decide to drive them somewhere, as we left the girls with her to go to a wedding, then got back "early" and discovered she was out driving around with them with no carseats/boosters....and justified it b/c she'd "been driving on that road for 40 years and never had an accident!"

I've given up. Thankfully dh now sees through her too....but that took years of strife....it took a speakerphone when she didn't know he was there for him to believe the way she talked to me.

 

[PrincessKitty1]

Wow! This is exactly where I see us heading sadly...but I was talking to my co-worker and she pointed out that if they care so little about us that they are will to cut us off because of a disagreement that we are coming to them in spirit of reconciliation and making things right, then do we really want them around? The answer to that in my book is no- hands down. Will it be sad and will it hurt, sure, but if they care for us that little maybe it will be for the best.

One of my co-workers has parents who, she said, always treated her like dirt. However, when she had a daughter, she wanted her daughter to know them and love them, so she kept contact with her parents, had dinner together once a week, etc. Now her daughter is grown and in her 20s, and guess what? She says her daughter treats her the same way her parents always did--like dirt.

My point being, you do not want your son to grow up seeing your in-laws mistreat people and seeing how everybody in the family tries to ignore the remarks, seeing how everybody is afraid to say anything about the inlaws meanness, etc. You want him to grow up in a loving atmosphere where people treat each other kindly. If your in-laws don't change, he WILL be exposed to their evilness. They WILL say ugly things in front of him and he WILL understand what they are saying as he gets older.

I'm glad to hear your DH is going to be frank with them!

 

[Tenuviel]

If you planned a bday party or dinner for your son would his parents be invited or just yours??

maybe that is where your DHs bday argument comes in .. and I admit I do agree. When we have parties or special events we invite everyone and if they come they come, period.

Maybe yall need to be the bigger ones and just say OK, if you want to come we will go for 12days instead of 8 (or whatever) and yall can come the last 4days with us OR maybe have both sets of grandparents overlap on your DSs bday and you can all do a nice dinner together??

I think it is SO important that your son sees the love everyone has for each other ... if possible, of course. Both DH and I gave our families *the talk* and said either you are in it for OUR FAMILY or you are not here to have a productive relationship with us!

I wish I could say that with parties and special events we can invite everyone- but it seriously would end up with everyone having a bad time- including my little man. My son is only 18 months, so he has only had one birthday party in which both of our parents were invited because I think it is a big deal. Generally speaking, we do all family celebrations separate- my DH we will celebrate his bday with my fam and another time with his fam. It is something I plan on doing with my DS also for the most part. Eventually I will probably have a party with his friends and then go out to dinner with our respective families. There is no love shared between our two families unfortunately. I can't make them like my family, and I don't blame my family for not liking them when they have been treated badly for nine + years.

In an ideal world I would love for my DS to have all of his favorite people on this trip, but we don't live in an ideal world and if I have to decide both go for it to be "fair" I would rather not go. And I know for a fact my parents would be fine celebrating his birthday on a different day if we get to go on a trip with his family. And my parents would be truly excited for Logan that he was getting to have a special birthday- but I guess that is just the way my family works.

 

[Vijoge]

I am the evil daughter in law too!! We should form a club of some sort - LOL!!!

Can I join? I quit the Christmas gift exchange and now we don't get invited for Christmas OR Thanksgiving! LOL

 

[Tenuviel]

oops double post tee hee