I caught my teen smoking! update post 68

[sigh]

I am a long time DIS member / poster but for anonymity sake I have created a different user name for this issue.

This is a little long, sorry!

Here is a little background: I have a teen daughter (15) from a previous marriage and I have been remarried for 5 years. My second husband and I also have a child together, she is much younger.

My teen daughter has ADHD and depression issues. She also has a biological father who shows very little interest in her, no matter how hard she and I try to get him involved. He does not live close to us; he lives about 5 hours away. Basically, he is not a good person and she is learning this. I am carefl to never say negative things about him, no matter how much I would like to!

She is currently in counseling for these issues and is taking medicine for depression and ADHD.
She has a good relationship with my husband, her step-dad.

To the issue: I discovered her smoking cigarettes one month ago. She had been smoking a few a week for about one month. We had a long heart to heart talk, she spoke with our youth pastor at our church and my brother as well. (she is very close to my brother) She also lost some privileges.

We thought she was doing well... BUT...last night, a neighbor informed my DH that he saw her smoking the day before. She was apparently hanging out of her bedroom window smoking. I have to be honest, I was extremely angry! That may not be the right reaction but I was! Just the thought of her smoking in my house again – especially with her little sister’s bedroom right next door really ticks us off. (my dh and I)
I am not a yeller but she definitely knew I was VERY upset, as was DH.

We talked to her again last night. Trying to be supportive yet STRONGLY conveying our disappointment and loss of trust in her. She has lost most of her privileges but we don’t want to take it all away. When you do that – what does she have to look forward to? (IMO)

I know this is way too long – but as a parent I am just worried about her. We want her to make wise and safe choices. She did voice that she was scared because she seems to “always do this” – meaning she “always ruins things”. That just about broke my heart.

I am also considering having her basically write a report about the detriments of smoking...

Any advice or suggestions are really appreciated at this point.

 

[Hillbeans]

I am a long time DIS member / poster but for anonymity sake I have created a different user name for this issue.

This is a little long, sorry!

Here is a little background: I have a teen daughter (15) from a previous marriage and I have been remarried for 5 years. My second husband and I also have a child together, she is much younger.

My teen daughter has ADHD and depression issues. She also has a biological father who shows very little interest in her, no matter how hard she and I try to get him involved. He does not live close to us; he lives about 5 hours away. Basically, he is not a good person and she is learning this. I am carefl to never say negative things about him, no matter how much I would like to!

She is currently in counseling for these issues and is taking medicine for depression and ADHD.
She has a good relationship with my husband, her step-dad.

To the issue: I discovered her smoking cigarettes one month ago. She had been smoking a few a week for about one month. We had a long heart to heart talk, she spoke with our youth pastor at our church and my brother as well. (she is very close to my brother) She also lost some privileges.

We thought she was doing well... BUT...last night, a neighbor informed my DH that he saw her smoking the day before. She was apparently hanging out of her bedroom window smoking. I have to be honest, I was extremely angry! That may not be the right reaction but I was! Just the thought of her smoking in my house again – especially with her little sister’s bedroom right next door really ticks us off. (my dh and I)
I am not a yeller but she definitely knew I was VERY upset, as was DH.

We talked to her again last night. Trying to be supportive yet STRONGLY conveying our disappointment and loss of trust in her. She has lost most of her privileges but we don’t want to take it all away. When you do that – what does she have to look forward to? (IMO)

I know this is way too long – but as a parent I am just worried about her. We want her to make wise and safe choices. She did voice that she was scared because she seems to “always do this” – meaning she “always ruins things”. That just about broke my heart.

I am also considering having her basically write a report about the detriments of smoking...

Any advice or suggestions are really appreciated at this point.

I am sorry you are going through this and as a child of a smoker who died of cancer I would most likely have the same reaction as you have.

I think what worries me most with this case is that she was not smoking around her friends which makes me think she's starting to get addicted if she is sneaking them in your house.

I'm sorry she feels as if she is always making wrong choices. Who is buying the cigarettes for her? I think she is still young enough where she could turn this around and stop before it gets worse. I don't know exactly what to say because I never had the urge to smoke. I think you're doing the right thing by trying to nip this now before it gets much worse.

 

[SwedishMeatball]

I'm sorry. I really don't have any advice except regarding the issue of making her write a report. At her age, and with the other factors you mentioned, particularly depression, pointing out the health hazards of nicotine is not going to be much of a deterrent in my opinion.

 

[EthansMom]

I don't know that punishing her is going to help. At that age, kids want to do whatever they want to do and think Mom and Dad are just saying "No" because they aren't cool.

I think the important thing to do is tell/show her that you aren't disappointed in her. And to find ways to teach her the REASONS that smoking is bad. I'd definitely go into the health issues, inability to stop the longer she smokes, the smell/taste, etc... Make her understand that you don't want her to stop smoking because you're mean but because you care about her and want her to have a long, healthy life.

Good Luck!

 

[toystory1130]

I quit years ago and it was very hard. A site whyquit dot com helped me alot, maybe have her read some of the stories on there. When my Mom caught me long ago when I started smoking as a teen nothing she said mattered to me since she smoked. Hang in there and don't just accept it,try to work through the anger. It could be alot worse (drug abuse) I wish you the best.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

I truly hope you can get her to stop now...the longer they smoke, the harder it is to quit. I don't really know what will help, but just wanted to give you hugs...

 

[manning]

She has lost most of her privileges but we don’t want to take it all away. When you do that – what does she have to look forward to? (IMO)

Perhaps looking forward on getting them back.

 

[Darsa]

I wish there was some way to get my DD13 to talk to your DD; my daughter has always been RABIDLY against smoking and will go on forEVER about how bad it is. Partly my fault; she follows my lead and knows how grossed out I am by that and how I feel about people who begin smoking now when there's SO much info out there about why you shouldn't.

Maybe I'll have her write some of her stuff down, and post it here to show to your DD She's a faster typist than I am so it shouldn't take her too long... especially with a subject she's passionate about!

 

[Bluestars]

I'm sorry about the situation with your daughter.

I experienced something similar with one of my children. Same situation. Ex husband who wasn't a part of his life, ADD, low self esteem, smoking. Trust me, taking away everything did not help. Emotional problems like these are different than a normal teenager being rebellious.

Since it seems to be a struggle for her to quit smoking, she might be addicted. People with addictive personalities have a hard time just stopping their addictive behavior.

I would suggest counseling. I would also strongly suggest making sure she is involved in something that she is good at like sports, art, etc. It is important for her to not feel like a failure and to see that she is a valued person.

I am glad to hear she has a good relationship with your husband. I don't know if they ever do things with just the two of them or not, but I think this would help her not feel so much of a void when she thinks about her biological father.

It's hard on a kid when they feel rejected by a parent. It's so sad.

Good luck. I hope you are able to reach out to her and help her see that she is the wonderful person you know she is.

 

[chesterpdt186]

teen smoking is unfoutinate. but, not as bad as what her peers or friends are doing.

by personal experience, (only 30)
smoking is kewl not only from the nicotine, but the thrill of breaking the law.

things like smoking , speeding, drugs, alchol,theft, destruction of property
are tending to be linked together.
damn just relized to one degree or another I have done all of these.

My parents never found out about any of this, corse i never was cuaght.
advice section:
dont give up
talk resonably not angerly
be honest, and realistic

let her know you lover her, and then say your prays its in her hands from there.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Where is she getting money to buy cigs and who is buying the smokes for her?

 

[minkydog]

Smoking at 15 I don't blame you for being upset. There's probably very little you can do to deter her. She knows all about the risks and she doesn't care. Teens are notorious for resistance to parental advice. They're at an age when they think they are above side effects and bad outcomes. Most of the information out there about tobacco leads teens to believe that heart and lung disease are things that old people have to worry about. Besides, they're all going to quit before they get old--you know, over 30.

I think if you want her to continue to come to you and trust you, you're going to have to back off. I would make it a rule that there will be no smoking in your house as a safety issue. You cannot control what goes on at school or away from home, so don't go there. If you tie smoking to discipline she's going to take it underground. Once she does that she'll find it easier to take a whole bunch of other stuff underground too.

Our son did not take up smoking, but he used alcohol when he was underage. He also liked to light candles in his room and read dark literature. We were able to appeal to his sense of safety about the drinking and the candles--his room is right underneath his mentally handicapped brother's room. Just knowing that if he set a fire accidentally he could injure or kill his brother sobered him up in a hurry.

Good luck with this. She's using smoking for reasons that she might not understand. You can threaten and plead and bribe to your heart's content, but if she's bent on smoking she'll do it. Don't let her smoking drive her away from you.

 

[MushyMushy]

As a former teen smoker, my best advice and something that my parents never did, but would have worked is to hold her driver's license over her head. IF she's looking forward to it.

My son also started smoking around that age. It devastated me. It took me so long to quit and he knew that and watched me struggle with it. I never was successful in getting him to quit. Tried the license thing, but he didn't care about driving. Took money away, took privileges away, threw away packs when I found them, etc.

Where is she getting money to buy cigs and who is buying the smokes for her?

Friends who have money, friends who have parents who smoke, parents themselves who smoke, friends who have jobs, saving up allowance and/or lunch money.... need I go on? I swear, other parents can be our worst enemies in raising our kids.

Trust me. Been there, done that. It's EASY to get hold of them. Most kids aren't smoking a pack a day, so it's not like they need $5 a day to get them. And back when I was a teen, they were only $1.50.

 

[sigh]

First off, thank you for all of the responses so far.

To answer a few questions:
1. She got the cigs from a boy on her school bus. He offered and she accepted.It is not hard to get cigs for teens!
2. Darsa, when my dd was 13, she was completely grossed out and spoke out very strongly about smoking. That is one reason this has been somewhat of a shock to us.
3. She currently IS in counseling and will continue the counseling.
4. When I first approached her last night, I was honest with her, I told her I was angry about the smoking and told her I would talk her more later in the evening. About 2 hours later, after our younger daughter was in bed, my Dh and I talked with her in a calm and supportive manner. We reiterated how much we love her and are worried about this choice she has made. We tried to show support while at the same time conveying that this is not acceptable behavior. And letting her know she has lost many privileges.
5. She is an athlete, she plays volleyball and golf. She is also active in our church youth groups and mission trips.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

First off, thank you for all of the responses so far.

To answer a few questions:
1. She got the cigs from a boy on her school bus. He offered and she accepted.It is not hard to get cigs for teens!

Well duh.....however that makes a difference in your answer believe it or not. I wanted to know if she was a recreational smoker or full blown.

Right now she is experimenting with it. All hope is not lost.

Frankly I would continue to focus on her depression and not so much the smoking at this point. You said your piece and she is going to do what she wants basically.

 

[sigh]

Well duh.....however that makes a difference in your answer believe it or not. I wanted to know if she was a recreational smoker or full blown.

Right now she is experimenting with it. All hope is not lost.

Frankly I would continue to focus on her depression and not so much the smoking at this point. You said your piece and she is going to do what she wants basically.

There is no reason to be rude. You could have just asked what you wanted to know specifically. It is recreational.
Thanks for your opinion

 

[The Mystery Machine]

There is no reason to be rude. You could have just asked what you wanted to know specifically. It is recreational.
Thanks for your opinion

You were snarky with me with your response. And frankly just because she gave you the bus story doesn't make it true. As a smoker it is probably baloney.

I want to know if she has money to buy cigs.

 

[Nie0214]

Make her smoke a whole carton in front of you at once.

 

[sigh]

You were snarky with me with your response. And frankly just because she gave you the bus story doesn't make it true. As a smoker it is probably baloney.

I want to know if she has money to buy cigs.

I am sorry you thought I was "snarky", that is not my nature. I was just answering your question. I am just very upset by this situation and was not not my intent to be snarky at all.

She has some money from allowance and previous family gifts.

 

[MoniqueU]

Alot of people smoke to self medicate so to speak. I might try talking to her counselor or psychiatrist. Also depression and anxiety somtimes, not always go hand in hand. That could also be part of it. I would be upset no doubt about it but I think catching the root of the problem before she gets hooked is key.