I can't sleep and need advice...

[AlohaPolynesian]

OK this is going to be a long story, but I really don't know what to do. My parents are annoyed with me and say, "you got yourself into this, you can figure out how to get out of it!"

Here it goes:

I go to college in Chicago and should have graduated with the rest of my class this past June. However, I chose to do my internship out of state last fall and therefore I was unable to take classes. So, I had to come back to school to make up for it this fall. The only thing about that is I ONLY needed to be here for my school's fall quarter which is ten weeks. No one wanted to lease an apartment to me for ten weeks alone, and the few friends that were still here didn't to split rent with someone who was going to be gone before December.

That's when I got a Facebook message from a girl I went to high school with. She graduated this past spring and just got a job here. Her roommate is still in school but would be studying abroad until January. Since I go to school in the same city she was wondering if I knew of anyone who needed to sublet an apartment just for fall. I wrote back and told her that I actually needed a place to live and that would be great.

I was really excited because the apartment is in a great location and close to everything. I wasn't friends with this girl in high school but it was really looking like my only option and I was grateful to have found something.

So fast forward to last Saturday when I moved in. I had seen the apartment before I agreed to live here, and although it's not great, it would do for ten short weeks. But now that I have been here for a week, there are so many things that make me hate living here. I can't sleep at night so I stay up all night and go to Starbucks as soon as it opens! It is really terrible.

Not only does my roommate come home drunk almost every night, go to work after smoking you know what, and then smoking more you know what when she comes home with a random guy, but there are roaches and centipedes all over and I have a RIDICULOUS fear of bugs.

Now I find out that one of my friends who graduated is moving back to Chicago for a job. She is living in a two bedroom apartment and wasn't planning on having a roommate but told me she would be glad to let me live there if I needed to. I also have another friend who commutes from the suburbs who said I am more than welcome to live with her family until November.

Of course I need to find someone to live here. I plan on posting something at school and asking around in my classes, because I feel that finding someone on Craigslist wouldn't be the best idea.

So my question to you all is: How do I tell her I want to move out? Should I find someone first and then tell her "I decided to move in with my friend because _______ but I found someone to move in ASAP" OR should I say "Hey I am thinking about moving out and living with another friend because ________ so before I find someone to move in here do you know of anyone who would want to move in?"

PLEASE help me out...I really don't know what to do. Thanks in advance to everyone

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Did you sign a document with your friend for the sublet?

 

[AlohaPolynesian]

Nope, I didn't! I just paid her the first month's rent and I never signed anything. I could just move out since I'm not tied to anything, but I would feel a little bad even though I don't like her. Oh and her dad is one of my brother's middle school teachers!

 

[Plannin'Shannon]

Yikes. to you for living in that environment. I know I certainly couldn't.

If the situation is so bad that it's affecting your health and studies, i.e. not sleeping at night, then you need to fix it fast. I would just be honest with your roommate. Tell her it's simply not working out. Ask if she has any prospects for another roommate in mind, and offer to help her find one if she doesn't.

Best of luck! Sending you some pixie dust from the Sleep Fairy...

 

[bumbershoot]

Oh and her dad is one of my brother's middle school teachers!

You could remind her of this, that you have immediate access to her father, as you're leaving....


That said, the friends that would let you stay at their place or with them...are they going to charge you rent? If not, you could still put something towards your verbal obligation with this person. Then again, it sounds like she could probably get someone to move in with her easily...


What a rotten situation; I feel for you! And so would my mom, if she were still around, so there's some form of parental empathy. My mom would have moved me out already at her expense, actually.

 

[AlohaPolynesian]

Yikes. to you for living in that environment. I know I certainly couldn't.

If the situation is so bad that it's affecting your health and studies, i.e. not sleeping at night, then you need to fix it fast. I would just be honest with your roommate. Tell her it's simply not working out. Ask if she has any prospects for another roommate in mind, and offer to help her find one if she doesn't.

Best of luck! Sending you some pixie dust from the Sleep Fairy...

Thank you. I am thinking of saying something like "Hey I don't think this living situation is working out. My friend has offered to let me stay with her but I wanted to see if you had someone who might want to live here or if you want me to help you find someone?" Does that sound good?

You could remind her of this, that you have immediate access to her father, as you're leaving....


That said, the friends that would let you stay at their place or with them...are they going to charge you rent? If not, you could still put something towards your verbal obligation with this person. Then again, it sounds like she could probably get someone to move in with her easily...


What a rotten situation; I feel for you! And so would my mom, if she were still around, so there's some form of parental empathy. My mom would have moved me out already at her expense, actually.

My one friend that lives at home said her parents said I could stay there and not pay rent, but I would feel like I was intruding and I would want to give them something. The other girl who lives close to where I am now (but in an apartment complex as opposed to a townhouse basement!!) would charge me.

Thanks for your advice...and it sounds like you had a great mom!

 

[SeaSpray]

I can't sleep tonight either, so here I am...


Anyway... I think you have valid, legitimate reasons for wanting to move out, and that should be enough of a reason when you tell her that you're leaving. It's not as if you want to move for no good reason. You could say "I didn't realize that you smoked pot before I moved in, and that makes me extremely uncomfortable, so I need to leave".

It won't be easy, but the sooner you leave, the sooner you can settle into someplace else.

 

[AlohaPolynesian]

I can't sleep tonight either, so here I am...


Anyway... I think you have valid, legitimate reasons for wanting to move out, and that should be enough of a reason when you tell her that you're leaving. It's not as if you want to move for no good reason. You could say "I didn't realize that you smoked pot before I moved in, and that makes me extremely uncomfortable, so I need to leave".

It won't be easy, but the sooner you leave, the sooner you can settle into someplace else.

Thanks for the advice, SeaSpray. PS I love, love, love all of your Polynesian pictures! And I totally stalked your Poly thread when planning my first stay there before I came out of lurkdom, so thanks for all the help!!

 

[sbsteel]

I can't sleep tonight either, so here I am...


Anyway... I think you have valid, legitimate reasons for wanting to move out, and that should be enough of a reason when you tell her that you're leaving. It's not as if you want to move for no good reason. You could say "I didn't realize that you smoked pot before I moved in, and that makes me extremely uncomfortable, so I need to leave".
It won't be easy, but the sooner you leave, the sooner you can settle into someplace else.

OP, I'm playing devil's advocate here, but you should have all your bases covered before you go into this conversation with her. If you use the above statement, what would you say if she told you that she didn't realize it was bothering you and is willing to stop? That she's willing to be more respectful of you? Are you still going to bail?

Not to say that you shouldn't have a conversation with her, but maybe see first if you can lay down some ground rules and come up with some sort of compromise instead of just moving out. Something along the lines of no surprise overnight guests, coming in after a certain time (drunk or not) means going directly to your room, smoking only when you're not around, etc.

As far as the bugs go, if you're using that as the only standing leg of your argument, that's really weak. Buy a couple cans of Raid, a couple roach traps, and arm yourself.

In all seriousness, it's ten weeks. That's a tad over two months. Is it truly that horrible that you are willing to pack everything back up, move everything again, and unpack once more...just for a couple months?

Think of this as a character building experience and something that will make you appreciate your first place alone after you graduate so, so much more! I'm sure your parents aren't getting involved because you're an adult - this is just one small blip on the radar of handling yourself in situations.

(And not to sound totally heartless, if she is unwilling to compromise or starts to retaliate because of what you said about what bothers you, THEN you have every right in the world to move.)

I wish you luck!

 

[Disney Doll]

I'd probably be honest and tell her that you don't like the pot smoking, strange men or bugs and that you have found another place to live. As far as helping her find a new roommate...well, I'd tell her I'd post on craigslist or pay for an ad for her, but I certainly wouldn't recommend someone I know to live in an apartment that I'm leaving because of the roommate's lifestyle. If you don't want to get in to all that, is the new place you're moving in to closer to school/work/clinical/wherever you need to be to live your life there for 10 weeks? If it is, then you could just say "Mary's apartment is closer to where I need to be so it's a little easier for me to manage everything from there".

So her father is your brother's middle school teacher? If she sics her Daddy on your baby brother, maybe her Daddy would like to hear that his princess smokes pot, sleeps with strangers and lives in a roach-infested apartment. Two can play at that game, if it becomes necessary....

 

[JimFitz]

Get out now.

 

[shortbun]

I'd leave her a month's rent and a note that says, "I don't smoke pot and don't want to be anywhere near it. Having random men in and out at all hours of the night makes me feel very unsafe. Good luck. Call some friends and have them help you move. 10 weeks is a long time to 'character build' when the issues at hand are possibly dangerous and against the law.

 

[BelleWDW]

I'd probably be honest and tell her that you don't like the pot smoking, strange men or bugs and that you have found another place to live.


So her father is your brother's middle school teacher? If she sics her Daddy on your baby brother, maybe her Daddy would like to hear that his princess smokes pot, sleeps with strangers and lives in a roach-infested apartment. Two can play at that game, if it becomes necessary....

I agree 100%. Just tell her and move out.

 

[DMickey28]

I had a high school acquintance move in with me my senior year of college for a few weeks. It worked out but I can totally see where you are coming from!!

I would sit down and be honest with her. If the 'Playing field' changes are you will to stay? I doubt she will change her lifestyle for a few weeks of you staying there.

I would just tell her that while you have no problem with what she does (smoking, strange men, drinking) it's not your kind of lifestyle and makes you uncomfortable. You are sorry but you think it's best if you moved on for the next few months. You may be labeled as a prude but that's a heck of a lot better as the opposite and what do you care anyway!!

Don't worry about her Daddy being your brother's teacher ... that is a two way street there and hopefully she is smart enough to realize that!

I would rent the extra space from your friend in the city. Then you are only responsible to yourself. I would not go and stay in the suburbs with your friend's family, that's just a different can of worms.

Good Luck ... Soon it will be over and you can move on.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Nope, I didn't! I just paid her the first month's rent and I never signed anything. I could just move out since I'm not tied to anything, but I would feel a little bad even though I don't like her. Oh and her dad is one of my brother's middle school teachers!

Then move out.

If my friend got pissed, I would turn the tables on her and tell her that she misrepresented the apartment.

Now I know that she will be the one in the lurch more than likely and not the roommate. The "friend" is the one with the contract, right?

 

[AnneR]

This is the mom in me -

I think your instinct to want to say something to her is a good one. I agree with you telling that this is just not working out for you. That you are at a different point in your life than she is. You appreciate her generosity but you are going to find a place that better fits where you are. I think if you focus on yourself and not on her behaviors, it will go better.

The mom says get out as soon as you can.

 

[nd5056]

Get out.

Don’t matter what she says (and she will) to make you feel guilty, she did not disclose everything to you before you moved in, did she?
Have you ever wonder just maybe she had a hard time finding someone to split the rent with?

Her roommate is still in school but would be studying abroad until January…

Or it the time her lease is up?

What if the cops bust in and arrest everyone (including you) for dealing or possession, or she passes out and the random guy… get out!

I always say, with friends like this, who needs enemies???

.

 

[Serena]

Do not get into a conversation with her about why you are moving. Just say that it is not working out and thank her for giving you a place when you needed it.

If she asks why, tell her that you two don't have a lot in common and found someplace else.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

Since your roommate is engaging in illegal activities, if you are uncomfortable with the situation, I would move out without thinking twice about it.

While she can sic Daddy on your brother, you have the upper hand in that you can sic the cops on your roommate.

Staying puts you at risk for more serious consequences if there was a raid on the apartment. As somebody else mentioned, what if her behavior involves dealing and the cops come after her? How are you to know that she won't stash some of her stash in your bedroom when you are gone to deflect some of the blame off of her? What if she is being paid for sex with the random men to support the drug habit? Now you have prostitution charges on top of everything. If she smokes that much and sleeps around that much, and the police got involved, it would be very hard for you to prove that you had no idea what was going on around you. Depending on how serious the situation was, you could be setting yourself up for some legal troubles.

Trust your instincts. Just move out if you are so bothered by the situation that you are not sleeping at night.

 

[AlohaPolynesian]

Thank you EVERYONE for your help and advice. I'm trying to work out final details of where I will be moving before I tell her I am moving out and attempt to find someone else. Thanks again. I love the DIS.