I am so mad at my mother right now.

[diznygirl]

When FIL was dying, our expectations were unrealistic. We expected pain medications given and to see him lying peacefully until the end. That was not how it happened. Pain medication was given, but didn't necessarily work the way we thought it would.

It's possible that your grandmother is on pain management medication and you just aren't seeing what you expect.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

I would be mad about your mother and aunt not visiting. I understand its difficult for some people, but there comes a time when as an adult you need to do things that aren't so pleasant. And even though it may be difficult to see their mother in this state, it may give the mother great comfort just hearing her 2 daughters voices at the bedside.

Hospice nurses are usually trained to handle pain control. But anything can slip through the cracks. There is no need for her to be in pain. I would follow up.

Also take the time to visit. Take a day, make the drive. Sounds likeyour grandmother might not be here too much longer. I think you'll be happy you took the extra effort.

 

[EMom]

I'd try to make this short and sweet, but there's no sweetness in it, as I am fairly bitter to this day. MIL died 7 months ago. Let me say upfront that MIL could be a PITA and that she was no peach as a MIL. But whenever she got sick, DH and I were always there to be her advocates because that's how we were both raised. You take care of your parents. You do right by them. She was his mother and she deserved for us to do the best we could for her in her last days, since she couldn't speak up for herself.

One BIL (MIL's son, I mean) was right there with us in every way. He had been her caregiver, along with us, since her DH died 20 years ago. The other BIL, who could not get far enough away from his mother and shirked all responsibility for her while he laid it all on us, decided to show up the last few weeks of her life and try to run the show since he was the eldest son. Well, too little, too late. Plus, his ideas were a 180 from ours.

Keep in mind, the BIL we get along with had the medical POA. Yet every time, that BIL left the hospital for a break, obnoxious BIL changed the orders and had MIL's pain meds decreased to the absolute LOWEST the doctor would advise, spread apart as far as allowed. In other words, he was as stingy with the pain meds as possible. The other 3 of us felt that since MIL could not communicate whether she was in pain or not, we should err on the side of caution and give her a decent dose lest she experience any discomfort. I wouldn't want my own mother in pain, and MIL deserved the same protection. Yet BIL insisted, "The minimum amount is sufficient." Prissy little twit.

Seriously, it was childhood all over again and was a power play to him. Could he "win" the battle over his brothers? He didn't give a rat's hiney about what was best for MIL, only that he prevail. For that, I will never forgive him. It was heartless and cruel. I have no use for him. I told DH that if BIL is ever in the same situation as MIL, we should tell the doctors to give him a Tylenol every 12 hours maximum, since that is "sufficient."

As for the funeral arrangements, thankfully neither BIL cared to have any part in making them, so it fell to DH and me.....mainly me since DH was at the hospital so much. MIL was not necessarily a vain woman, but she always wanted her hair dyed and no wrinkles. She was without fluids for 3 weeks before she passed and looked beyond horrible. There was no way we were going to let people see her like that, since she would have hated it. No funeral home could make her look acceptable. I did tell them to dye her hair anyway, because I'd promised her years ago I wouldn't let her go to her grave with gray hair. DH got a look at her before the visitation and from 40 feet away stopped in his tracks, saying she looked atrocious and she would not want anyone to see her. We kept that casket closed tighter than a drum. If BIL would have argued the point, I'd have taken a plug out of him. If the deceased would not want to be seen in that state, then DON'T do it. Have some respect for THEIR opinion even if they are dead.

As for the meds issue, I sympathize. My mother used to say, "God made doctors and scientists smart enough to invent those medicines for a reason. We need to use them." God bless her wisdom. For crying out loud, the woman is dying. When in doubt, medicate to eliminate any chance of pain or discomfort.

I am so sorry you have to experience this and even more sorry for your grandmother.

 

[RNMOM]

There is nothing stopping you from calling the nursing home and speaking with the nurse who cares for her. By this I mean the charge nurse on the floor. The other staff are most likely not nurses but aids. Tell them your concerns and ask for some assurance she is being evaluated for pain. Ask if there are orders and if she is given any meds for pain. No one should be in pain where there are options to care for it.

Not knowing why she is in the condition she is in, remember when people loose a lot of weight and become bed ridden they often have facial expressions that may not reflect what is going on inside their minds. Muscles contract and such. Ask for some input from the staff. You could even mention you would appreciate them not telling your aunt and mother to avoid tension between them and you. You don't have to be there to speak with them and express your concerns. Good luck.

 

[MIGrandma]

First of all, I'm so sorry about your Grandmother.

I agree with you about the pain meds, your Mother and Aunt should contact the doctor to get the orders to give her something for that. She shouldn't have to be in pain.

As for the funeral arrangements, I'm sure this is very, very difficult for you but if your Grandmother didn't have her funeral pre-paid/pre-planned, then it is up to her children to make the arrangements. Grandchildren usually don't have much say about what is done. And, actually I believe the funeral is for the family left behind. It really doesn't matter to the deceased, they know nothing of what is going on. If your Mom and Aunt want an open casket, that is their choice. I'm sure the funeral home will make your Grandmother look as nice as possible.

Personally, I'm totally against funerals in the first place. When my Dad died 2 years ago he had no real wishes of his own, so it was up to Mom. She wanted the full-blown 3-day visitation, funeral, graveside service and dinner. It was hard on her. And on me. I did not want to even look at him in the casket. I wish it would have been closed. But, it was not up to me. I wanted to remember him alive, not lying there in the casket. I think a memorial service, a couple months or so after the person has passed, is much better than a funeral. An hour-long (or more if wanted) celebration of their life, with people talking about their memories of the person, etc. Not standing around a casket crying. But that's just me.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is it really isn't your choice. It's up to your Mom and Aunt, as your Grandmother's daughters. You can disagree with their choices, as I did with my Mom's (she has no idea though) but it might be best to just keep your opinion to yourself and go along with what they want. You really don't want to cause them more heartache at this time, I wouldn't think.

 

[mom2taylorandemily]

She does not need to be in pain. I would speak up for her......

I totally agree....

I am so sorry you are going thru this. It is very difficult to watch someone you love die. They can administer pain meds to keep her comfortable.

 

[ols386]

So sorry about your grandmother. That's really sad.

If I were in your shoes, which I'm not so this is only my opinion, I wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut about the fact that your grandmother appears to be in alot of pain, and not being given any pain medication. That's the part that would bother me most, and I'd have to voice my opinion about that. Even if it's going to the facility where your grandmother is, and speaking to a care-giver about it.

The other stuff, about your mom and her sister not being with their mother as much as you think they should be....I think it's up to them how much time they spend with her. It would be nice if they could spend time with her, but I guess that has to be their decision. Having the casket open, when you know your grandmother would not want that....I think that is your mom and her sister's decision also...but I don't see anything wrong with you stating to them that it's not what their mother wants.

 

[barkley]

just be aware-

if you call the nursing home, while they may listen to your concerns they may also refuse to discuss anything with you b/c of hiipa laws-they are extreemly restrictive.

hospice cannot do anything that violates any advance medical directive your grandmother has-and while this likely does'nt say anything about withholding pain meds, unless you are privy to that directive you don't know if she has anything written into it that may have hospice doing other than what would seem to you the common sense course of treatment.

you can speak to your family about your/gma's wishes on the closed casket, but the reality is whomever is the executor gets to make the decision (in some states, the law permits that despite a person spelling out in their will EXACTLY in no uncertain terms what they want for final arrangements/going to the extent of preplanning and paying for it-the named executor of their estate can override and do exactly what the executor wants).

if you are concerned about your gma and neither the medical staff nor the family members with the legal right to make decisions are, in your opinion, act in the best interest of your gma-call adult protective services in the area your gma lives. tell them your concerns and ask if this is something they feel needs to be addressed on their end.


i sympathize with you-it's hard, very hard dealing with this. please, however with respect to your gma's medical treatment try to reccognize that even if a person has some medical power of attorney-depending on how it's written up and how an advance medical directive has been written, the person who is acting on their behalf can to some extent be very limited in being able to do things.

we are in a situation with a family member who is terminaly ill-we get regular calls from her friends and some other family members demanding to know why dh (poa) is'nt doing certain things these people believe are common sense courses of treatment/pain managment, including issues with hospice. what these individuals don't realize (and we don't feel is our place to disuss in detail) is the restrictions the family member put into place in that poa and their amd, and that hospice won't offer some types of treatment (or involve themselves at all) if with certain illnesses the patient is still receiving certain types of treatments hospice believes, despite it not being the case-are in the realm of pursing a 'cure' to the terminal situation.


we also get flack from family for not making arrangements for dh to spend more time with this family member-but the reality is, even if we lived in close proximity we likely would'nt. reason being is, at least in this person's case-visitors (even close cherished family) contributes to worsening health. we can look to the most recent hospitalizations and all occured within hours or one day of well meaning family and friends converging and visiting. it just physicaly and mentaly exhausts the person-but try as they might they/we can't get it through to people that for now, we do this person better to telephone and then limit the conversations to just a few minutes.

it's hard being 'outside the loop' of information and watching this happen to someone you love and care for, it's equaly (and at least in our case i think moreso) harder if you are 'in the loop' and you are held to respecting the privacy of the terminaly ill person such that you can't disclose why things are being done in certain ways-and family members assume (and verbalize to you) that you are behaving in an uncompassionate manner

 

[Evil Genius]

I have to ask, did you drive there over the weekend and sit with your grandmother? Have you offered in any way to help your mom and aunt deal with any of this? Have you ever sat with someone you love (especially a parent) knowing that the next breath they take may be there last?

Seriously, cut your mother and aunt some slack. They are about to lose their mother and they are dealing with it in their own way.

 

[arielsleepingbeauty]

I am sorry that you are losing your grandmother.
Is your grandmother awake and aware of what is going on? It definately sound slike she is at the end stage where her body is shutting down so she wouldn't have an appetite and since you did not inidicate what her medical conditions are, maybe she isn't in pain. Maybe she did indicate that she did not want any pain medications.
There are Hipa guidelines, but that doesn't mean that you cannot contact the nursing facility and /or Hospice. They may not be able to give you any information, but they can listen to your concerns and check into it.
It is difficult to be with someone for long periods of time watching them pass. You may want to take a drive and spend time with her if you feel she isn't getting what she needs.
Good luck and god bless.

 

[PaulaSue]

Do what you can for her.

 

[PollyannaMom]

I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother.

It's certainly OK for you talk to the Hospice people, in person or by phone, to express your concerns about pain medications. Just let them know that your mom and aunt are looking to them for cues; I'm sure they've had family members feel that way before. And they want your grandmother to be comfortable as well.

As for the funeral, I expect you can't change the format...but if it has to be open, maybe you can make sure the funeral home has the right pictures of her to go by? Sometimes they really can do a very nice job if they know what the person looked like before. So it might help to make them copies of a couple photos that you know your grandmother would approve of.

 

[suzanna1066@comcast.]

I have to ask, did you drive there over the weekend and sit with your grandmother? Have you offered in any way to help your mom and aunt deal with any of this? Have you ever sat with someone you love (especially a parent) knowing that the next breath they take may be there last?

Seriously, cut your mother and aunt some slack. They are about to lose their mother and they are dealing with it in their own way.

I have gone up as much as I can manage. Not making excuses, but I do have a small child and a demanding job. My mother and aunt live in close proximity and do not work. While I do not expect them to be there every minute of every day, I do think they could go more often than every 3rd day.

I had to watch my father die an agonizing death so I know personally how hard it its.

 

[suzanna1066@comcast.]

I do appreciate everyone's input! This is so hard and everyone's nerves are shot. I am going to try to get off work and go see her by Friday.

 

[suzanna1066@comcast.]

Thank you again for all your comments. Just to update, my grandmother passed away this afternoon. Her funeral is Friday and the casket will be open---not the choice I would have made but I will respect the decision.

 

[mickeyboat]

I am so sorry for your loss. She is at peace, now.

 

[agnes!]

My sympathies for your loss. Your grandma must have been a spectacular woman to have inspired you so.

agnes!