I am so mad at my DH I can hardly stand it! (long)

[mickeyfan2]

When he is at preschool from 8-12:30, do your hobbies. Let the housework or whatever you do then wait for another time.

 

[floridafam]

I hear ya.

I am a SAHM and we have no family here in Florida. Sure, it's a problem sometimes but we do what we can to work it out.

I love it when DH says "I was aksed to go golfing this weekend but I said no." Gee, thanks. I always love the "but I have to go golfing statements."

I think I'd have smoke coming out of my ears if DH was gone for 11 hours golfing. I guess a golf outing takes a bit longer, though.

I often schedule my hair/spa appts on Saturday and then I want to stay home with him and the kids when the time comes. I usually end up going, though. I usually feel guilty for being gone for 2 hours. I really have to get past that.

You're not alone. Dh and I are pretty happy. He said the other day that he wants us all to go golfing with him soon.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I need to know how other women deal with this. Especially SAHMs or people with no family around.

If you made it through my vent, thanks for listening.

Hey been there!!!! Kids are older now and DH and I go out together alone everywhere it is GREAT!
(Just wanted to show you there is light at the end...)

Way back when, I also got mad. Then I realized I am part of the equation and you have to schedule time away, you must coordinate with your dh, plan, plan, plan....

And if your dh cannot help with watching the kid, then hire someone!!!! Get to know someone well, since your dh is sooooo busy you have to allow yourself a break with adult time too.

 

[justhat]

I agree about doing more things you'd like when your son is in preschool. I know you said your friends are at work then, but see if there's something else you can do, like take that time for a spa morning so that when you get your son you're refreshed and not feeling like it's just one more chore on this list for the morning.

Another suggestion, what time does your husband have to be in work? Right now there are times when my husband is taking a class instead of working in the hospital so he doesn't have to be in school till 9am. On those days (like today) he gets up with our daughter, feeds her breakfast, dresses her, brushes her hair and teeth, and takes her to school. That way I can sleep in (though not today cause she was as grouchy as Oscar and she wanted mommy to help out) which is very important to me right now since I'm pregnant and tired, then when I wake up I can shower uninterrupted and relax before I get my daughter. I never do things like cleaning until later in the evening when my husband is home so he can play with our daughter while I do the chores I have to do, or he'll do them some nights instead. BTW, at first he wasn't thrilled with this idea of getting up early on the days he would have gotten to sleep later (if he's at the hospital he's got to be there by 7am at the latest, some rotations it's 4am), but I pointed out that once he starts work in July I'll be stuck taking her to school everyday for 4 years, plus I'll have to tote around a newborn. When I pointed that out he no longer complained about taking her to school for a few weeks this year.

 

[SC Minnie]

When he is at preschool from 8-12:30, do your hobbies. Let the housework or whatever you do then wait for another time.

I agree. Join a group/club that meets during this time at least one day a week. You will meet new people and do something that you enjoy. Even it is going to an exercise class or book club or some other hobby.

The housework can wait.

 

[MsLeFever]

This is something I actually "teach", (talk about) with my college students. We do a day on marriage and family and their expectations. They almost always say "Oh, we will share child rearing and household chores equally."

Sounds good but I've never seen it happen. DH and I both work full time but I schedule all dr. visits (including his), handle getting kids ready for school, make lunches, arrange my schedule so that I can be home early when they get home, do all of the driving to preschool (I realized yesterday that he doesn't even KNOW where it is!!), and if I want to do something "off schedule" it is my job to find a sitter and cover. That's just the way it is - I also do all of the cleaning (he does handle the cat box from time to time) and all of the bill paying and such. He cooks dinner about 3 times a week.

Wow....seeing it all typed out like that no wonder I feel frustrated too!

 

[Tiffann4k]

I guess the best way that I could explain it is that while I chose to be a mother, being a mother doesn't define me. My child is not my life, never has been. I love her dearly of course, but she is not my life. I see being a mother as a part of me, but not all of me. My job with her is to raise her to be a productive member of society, know right from wrong, know how to give love and receive love, etc.. and a lot of that I do simply by example. My goal is for her to be able to leave home and take care of herself. If she were my life, what would I do when she left? How would I function if all of my life for the past 18 years had been wrapped completely around her except for a few hours a week? If mom were my only job, what would I do when there was no one here to be mom to?

You know what I meant I didnt have children so I could find every opportunity to get away from them or pawn them off on other people or complain when I dont have a break. Obviously I was able to live before I had children and will be able to live after they are gone.

Why do people take some comments so seariously ??

 

[Marseeya]

You know what I meant I didnt have children so I could find every opportunity to get away from them or pawn them off on other people or complain when I dont have a break. Obviously I was able to live before I had children and will be able to live after they are gone.

Why do people take some comments so seariously ??

Because your comments were insulting.

 

[RadioNate]

Thanks for everyone's great suggestions. I know this is something we continue working on. He likes to be at work by 7 am but I'm going to talk to him about maybe helping out in the morning on days that he will be gone until 10-1030pm.

I think the other thing that threw me yesterday is that he just showed up from work with his buddy in tow and announced they were goinging golfing. This wasn't a preplanned activity and the place the went was 30-40 minutes away. When he got home he apoligized for just springing his trip on me. He admiting to being a little selfish since he really wanted to go and he knew I wouldn't say no if his friend was there with him.

I also should clarify the preschool thing a bit. I really only have about 3 hours. We live slightly out of town and come into a pretty congested area for school. I leave at 8 to get there by 830 and it is often 9 before I am home. That's why I ususally do errands (grocery, bank, dry cleaners) while he is at school. When I pick him up, again I need to leave at noon to get him at 1230. On days I do come home I do try to do things like scrapbooking or even catch up on a movie.

I understand that my DH works a ton and needs breaks too. But like people have mentioned. Why do men automatically get the 'breaks' while the women have to work around their schedule to do anything.

Anyway I felt better with in an hour of him being home. He understood exactly why I was upset and we decided to work on communicating better.

 

[sharbear]

You don't have to explain anything. My kids are older now but I remember those days! It's really hard. When you have a spouse that works a lot, both of you need a break. I was able to stay home, but we weren't able to hire tons of babysitters (I swear that my SIL had full-time babysitter's so they could do what they wanted. It's not how I want to raise my kids but to each their own).

Sometimes my DH didn't get it. He only saw that he was working a ton and needed time off. Not that I was also working a ton and needed time off.

It gets better. It also sounds like things were straightened out and your DH gets what you need.

 

[justhat]

Just wanted to add that after a few of those 'surprise' events my husband and I have an understanding that we will not do that anymore. Well, honestly I never did that to him anyway, but it was much easier to agree that neither of us will do that rather than tell him that he can't do it anymore.

 

[leighe]

I didnt have children so I could find every opportunity to get away from them or pawn them off on other people or complain when I dont have a break. Obviously I was able to live before I had children and will be able to live after they are gone.

Why do people take some comments so seariously ??

I don't think the OP is looking for "every opportunity to get away" from her children. I hardly think that one night of girl time is asking too much.

To the OP, . I'm glad you've been able to talk with your DH and make some plans of your own!

 

[malibuconlee]

Do you go to church? If you do join a MOPS group. Mothers of Pre-Schoolers I think. You can bring the kids and talk with other women in your situation. I don't know much about it, but it's worth looking into.

Look into other entertainment options. They probably don't do this anymore, but the bowling alley where I grew up used to have a nursery so you could bring your kids while you were bowling on a league. Can be a great way to meet people.

I understand about the whole moving around thing. DH and I have done it plenty of times. We just moved again 2 months ago this week. I'm needing to take my own advice and get out of the house more.

What about volunteering somewhere for those hours DS is in pre-school a couple days a week?

If he'll be in kindergarten next year how about a part-time job that will work around DS's school hours next fall?

Good luck!!

 

[SillyMe]

Being left alone with the kids constantly was one of the major causes for my separation. I felt like a single parent and over time it made me very resentful. Now I AM a single parent by my choice.

I hope you and your husband can work something out. If you don't take time for yourself, you will eventually become resentful and it will lead to more problems in your marriage.

 

[diznygirl]

Her comments weren't insulting - she was just stating how it works for her. And she's not alone - that's how it works for me too. Yes, I appreciate the time I have away from my children, but I don't pull my hair out looking for ways to get away from them. My job right now is to be their mommy.

But I do get time away, and that's because I tell my DH that my friends want to go out on such and such a night and he says ok.

And it cracks me up when people think that it will only last 18 years!!!! Like, magically on their 18th birthday they will be poofed to some other planet and mom will get to travel the world with no more responsibilities!!

 

[mickeyboat]

I can understand how you feel, OP. DH and I both work full time. But the kids, the house and everything surrounding them is my responsibility. He is merely the helper. So if he wants to work on Saturday morning, he automatically assumes I am available to take the kids to gymnastics and stay with them on Saturday mornings. He did it this weekend. It's the attitude that whatever he is doing is more important than whatever I might want to do, that is infuriating.

But we have been working hard to stop this pattern. He has been much better lately, and I have been much more understanding when he is really busy with work. When I want to do things with friends, it is usually in the evenings, and he never gives me a hard time about it. Even PTA meetings once a month are a good time for me to socialize with adults, and still feel like I am doing something for the good of my family. Heck, I went to France with my mother last fall - for a whole week. He was much more appreciative of all I do while I was gone.

To be honest with you, I would love to have the time while the kids are in school to myself. It is a luxury for me to be able to shop by myself. But if I felt the need for more time for myself, that is exactly where I would take it. Maybe you can join a gym and take some classes during that time. Is there a scrapbooking group of club in your area that meets at that time?

Good luck. Keep talking to your DH!

Denae

 

[RadioNate]

yep - it's the 'my stuff is more important attitude' that becomes a problem and I don't want to start resenting him. Yesterday I felt resentment and I didn't like that at all.

I have started looking into working again next year. We also toured a new gym in the area on Saturday. It has way more kids programs and isn't over the top costly so we will probablly do that.

I wasn't insulted by Tiffann4k original comments but I did feel that she didn't really understand. We just have different perspectives on parenting. One isn't better or worse, just different. I'm not trying to constantly escape from DS but I also don't want to be the only parent who is actually parenting. DH had a lot of pressure at work and we fell into a bad pattern. We've both realized and will work on things.

 

[DVC Sadie]

I guess the best way that I could explain it is that while I chose to be a mother, being a mother doesn't define me. My child is not my life, never has been. I love her dearly of course, but she is not my life. I see being a mother as a part of me, but not all of me. My job with her is to raise her to be a productive member of society, know right from wrong, know how to give love and receive love, etc.. and a lot of that I do simply by example. My goal is for her to be able to leave home and take care of herself. If she were my life, what would I do when she left? How would I function if all of my life for the past 18 years had been wrapped completely around her except for a few hours a week? If mom were my only job, what would I do when there was no one here to be mom to?

Great Post!! I have had friends who have devoted their lives to their children and now are facing divorce or are already divorced due to wrapping their whole lives around their children. It's a very sad thing to see.

 

[Alicnwondrln]

i have the same problem. DH works full time and I stay home with the kids. Ds6 is in first grade ( but has been home for 4 weeks with a broken leg ) and ds2. I work part time at night, and take classes. Dh does nothing around the house, goes out when ever he wants, stay late at work and tehn will go out with teh guys after. When ever I want to goanywhere he always say oh your taking the kids right. IT DRIVES ME NUTS. I know how hard how hard he works but he needs to helo more and remember i am a person and NOT a robot. I am getting burnt out. When I ask for help I get sometimes, when we fight it changes for a week and then goes back to the same odl same old. I wish we could come to a better understanding. I told him I was going in sept on the dis trip and he wasnt happy at first but I told him to get over it. He takes day trips to foxwoods, goes to games ( celts, bruins, red sox) anll the time. Yearly trips to buffalo to watch the pats. I just want to be able to a small break myslef. I went away for work in soet 2004 i brought my mom. DH was a jerk calling me everyday. He runied all free time on the trip. His brother was living with us at the time and when i came home he was like DH said he could not wait for you to come home so he could go back to do nothing. Sad. its alittle better but not much. I do all appointmetns, school things everything and up until last year I was working over 40 hours a week.
Wow I am getting mad just thinking about all of this ....

 

[SillyMe]

yep - it's the 'my stuff is more important attitude' that becomes a problem and I don't want to start resenting him. Yesterday I felt resentment and I didn't like that at all.

I have started looking into working again next year. We also toured a new gym in the area on Saturday. It has way more kids programs and isn't over the top costly so we will probablly do that.

I wasn't insulted by Tiffann4k original comments but I did feel that she didn't really understand. We just have different perspectives on parenting. One isn't better or worse, just different. I'm not trying to constantly escape from DS but I also don't want to be the only parent who is actually parenting. DH had a lot of pressure at work and we fell into a bad pattern. We've both realized and will work on things.

Going back to work is not going to be the answer. Yes, it will get you out of the house, but then you will be crunched even more for time. I worked full time and still had to do everything while he was off "doing his thing". If you are planning on going back to work, then I would suggest working this out ASAP or it will only get worse.