I am really ticked at my brother... (sorry, long vent)

[December99]

and I just sent him and email telling him so!!!

We are in the process of signing the contract on my mom's house. Starting the week after my mom's service I busted my behind to get things out of the house, cleaned and thrown out if needed, and marked for the sale we had or taken home if needed. Not once in the whole time did he come and help me. This was about a 4 week process. I do work full time and have other things I am involved in so around all of that I did this. Most weekends I was there, driving back and forth to my own home, on Friday nights til 11pm or midnight (then I'd drive home) and then turn around on Saturday and be down there by about 8am until around 11 or midnight and then turn around and do the same on Sunday but getting home around 7 so I could see my family and have a meal with them. If he went down there it was maybe for an hour and that was twice I think. Since I had surgery I went down once and ended up raking leaves, which I probably shouldn't have done. So when I was done raking leaves I called and asked him to go down one day and clean out the gutters because there was no way I could do it, dh is out of town and really can't do it, and my uncle can't do it. So I realized after talking to him yesterday that he hadn't done it like he said he was going to. A few weeks ago I asked him to go down and sweep and mop the basement floor because it really needed it and the realtor said it would be a good idea to do it. Well, I obviously couldn't do it because I didn't have a hand free and I couldn't drive. The whole time he was doing it he was on the phone talking to me and complaining about doing it.

Anyway - the past couple of weeks he has been calling me alot wondering when we are going to get the money from the sale of the house (which we will get none of because we aren't getting out of it what we had hoped for) and out of the estate. He needs money very badly and keeps racking up bills without money to pay for them, thinks he can just up and quit his job without another one, is probably going to take a day off without caring to find another job (in the town that his girlfriend lives in that he has basically known for a month and he yet he couldn't take a day off to go to the hospital to see his mom the day that she died because he had to go to work and blames me because he wasn't there thinking that I told him he didn't need to be there knowing that she was dying which is a whole other story). He doesn't get that the estate has to be open for 6 months before it can be settled and then providing all bills are paid it can then be closed and then we can get anything that might be left. He doesn't get that you can't just blow off the bills since she is dead (he thinks that they won't come for anyone or go after anyone since she's dead and why would it matter how it affects her credit - she won't need credit now (he doesn't get the logistics of this part of it)). The object is he wants as much money as he can get, and I do have to say it would be nice but my mom left alot of debt that we didn't even know about and there is going to be very little left for us which doesn't bother me - it bothers him. The part that I wanted was to make sure she was buried with dignity and a way that she would have wanted and she was. If that's all the money that we would have gotten and it had to go for the funeral - that would have me happy!!!

I'm just so frustrated and mad and upset that I sent him an email explaining all this. I don't want talk to him right now. The phone rings and all I can think of is oh great it's my brother again. Which is horrible!!! I'm sorry to have rambled on but I'm just so frustrated right now and hurt for my mom I needed to just get this out and vent some. Thanks for listening - it does help.

 

[Serena]

A thousand {{{Hugs}}}} Chris. You don't need this hassle.

 

[nativetxn]

{{{HUGS}}} sweetie. I sure hope you can talk this out and get it settled with your brother.

Are you the oldest? I'm just guessing but I think you might be the oldest and you feel responsible. You don't need this right now but it's part of your life and I know you will do a great job dealing with it.

We're always here if you need to vent.

 

[Rajah]

*hugs*

No advice for you, just hugs.

 

[December99]

I am the oldest and it's always been expected of me to be the one to handle things which I've done. But there comes a point, in my mind and this is how we actually were raised, that if you want something you have to work for it. I feel I have "worked" my share and he hasn't and it just ticks me off. I can't wait until this is done and over but then it makes my mom being gone "final" and that's the part that I don't want to be over. I mean I know that there will always be memories but it's like that final check will be the definite end of her life. I know he can't really deal with that and maybe that's why he's doing this but come on....

 

[danacara]

How about this as an idea:

Call him and tell him that you've put in a lot of hours at the house (in a non-confrontational way). Say that you think you are going to submit an hourly bill to the estate for your services in getting the house into shape for sale. If he says "You can't do that," tell him "Absolutely yes, I can, and I will." (I don't know if you can or not, but your brother doesn't sound like the type to call the lawyer for confirmation on anything).

If he sees money coming "out of his wallet" he might feel just a bit more impetus to go down to that house and get something done.

By the time the estate is settled, the issue will be long dead. It doesn't matter if you actually get distributions from the estate or not - it just might get his rear into gear, so to speak.

Good luck.

 

[nativetxn]

Or, on the same tack, tell your brother that you are going to hire someone to clean the gutters and it will be paid by the estate. That might help get him in gear to help a little.

 

[SonjaB]

I think Kath and Dana have a couple of good ideas. I'm so sorry you're getting hassled on TOP of doing all the work. Another thousand {{{{{HUGS}}}}}, 99.

 

[kejoda]

I'm sory this has happened to you Chris. Unfortunetly you are not alone. Take Kath and Dana's advice.

Oh don't forget to read my sig. line. KimRaye said it very well.

 

[LIDisneyFan]

What a crappy (sorry about wusing that word on the DIS, but it is the only one I could come up with that fits) situation. I have just the opposite situation. Mom and Dad both died 4 months apart, Mom 2 weeks ago. She was in the process of selling her house. She was also in and out of the hospital and nursing home for the past several months.

My older brother lives 3 hours away - we lived about 45 minutes away. He and SIL came in often, called daily, ran when we needed them, stayed at our house for 2 weeks so we could take the kids on our Disney vacation, dealt with half the doctors. Basically, he did whatever he could long distance, knowing the brunt would logically fall on DW and me.

I can honestly say we're closer than we've ever been, and it helps a lot when you're dealing with the loss of a parent as well as the adminstartive side of handling things. And you're right - that final check is going to be a tough day.

Hang in there - you seem like a string person - in the end you know you did the right thing. But I would also take the advice of others here - anything he won't do, and you can't find time to do - hire someone and bill the estate.

Vent when you need.

 

[bsnyder]

Chris,

I'm sorry that this is happening to you.

One of my best friends is basically in the same situation. One of her brothers is being very nice, but the other one is just being a huge jerk. All he can think about is getting his greedy hands on his share of the money. I can hardly stand to be in the same room with him anymore, because I see how much my friend is still grieving the loss of her mom, and her brother is just making it worse.

Hugs to you, dear! I hope the situation can be resolved soon, for your sake!

 

[Dan Murphy]

Sorry to hear, Chris. My very best to you. Family can truly be a pain at times. {Hugs}

 

[Tuffcookie]

Chris, Hugs to you and prayers for patience!

TC

 

[browneyes]

Brothers are barrels of fun, aren't they. {{hugs}}

 

[ripleysmom]

Sorry you have to go through this December99.

 

[Boots]

{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}

 

[KimRaye]

Originally posted by danacara
Say that you think you are going to submit an hourly bill to the estate for your services in getting the house into shape for sale. If he says "You can't do that," tell him "Absolutely yes, I can, and I will." (I don't know if you can or not, but your brother doesn't sound like the type to call the lawyer for confirmation on anything).

Chris, you CAN do this. It was my exact thought before reading down to Dana's reply. Katholyn also has the right idea.

And, if you're the executor, which I presume you are, you can also claim a fee for that too, off the top, before anything left gets split between the two of you. I know you're not out to jyp your brother but, you have done more than your share and, maybe he just needs to know what recourse you have.

{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}} my friend.

 

[Big V]

{{{{Hugs}}}} Chris.

 

[Mamu]

December99 so sorry you are going through all this. {{{HUGS}}}

 

[helenabear]

So sorry you are dealing with this Chris {{{hugs}}}