I’m not imagining things, am I?

[Miffy]

OP, Whatever you do--and whatever is going on--please do NOT sign the papers for the home equity loan. You may not realize this, but the money from a heloc can be spent on ANYTHING. So you could end up living in and owning a house with a hefty mortgage on it, your husband gone (I cannot call him a DH), and you now being responsible for the payments on the heloc, since you would have cosigned it.

IOW, if you sign the heloc, your main source of security will be gone. Because for sure if your husband has applied for this he intends to do something with the money that has nothing at all to do with the house. He needs the money for something else, something that has zero to do with you.

In some ways, I understand why you're clinging on to this marriage, but, honestly, I think your marriage is over, unless to you a marriage is a piece of paper, someone you can call "husband," and zero trust, reliability, honor, integrity, or honesty. To me, that wouldn't be a marriage. That would be a very poor contract arrangement.

Unfortunately, I speak from experience although at least my ex didn't abscond with a ton of cash while he was betraying and deserting me.

 

[CdnCarrie]

He is looking for another job because he wants to make more money. He’s about 10 years out from retirement. He is at the top of his field where we live, and he knows that the salary can be a lot higher in CA.

He is not my “everything“. I don’t go out much i am very much involved with my congregation, via Zoom. He likes my friends from my congregation and he likes to listen in sometimes, which I don’t mind at all.
Before my health got to this point, I used to work at a job that I loved, I would do community volunteer work with my congregation, and I’d often visit close family who live(d) a couple of small states away. I had/have more of a social life than he does.
We moved to where he grew up. He literally has no friends. He is close with one of his cousins whom he sees when they get the chance to get together.

When I said that I don’t have any friends or family, I meant, in the way that they could help me move out quickly if I needed to. I have confided in one of my friends in my congregation, as well as a close family member that’s like a sister to me, but she lives in another state.

When I started this thread, I was typing out general, basic facts. I will try to clarify as I go.

Thanks for clarifying!

 

[jujubiee4]

Oh hun I just read your post today. Agree with everyone else. Start getting your affairs in order just
in case. If possible hire a Private Investigator to check things out. My Grandfather retired from being
a divorce attorney for 50 years. The things he use to tell me and the lengths ppl go to were crazy.
It has definitely made me weary. One thing he said always stood out to me. That ppl have been having
affairs since forever but Internet access has opened more venues. Even if he is using escort services that
is JOINT FAMILY RESOURCES being used to pay. Might be an expensive scam he got caught in.

If you need to account for the money for the P.I tell him you are helping out a desperate relative.

You are being proactive and that is always a good thing. It may be nothing at all but better to be safe
than sorry. Big hug and good luck.

 

[sam_gordon]

I'm guessing you (the couple) is in more financial difficulty than what you think. Now, WHY that is could vary. It could just be "life". It could be he's having a problem (whether gambling, substance abuse, "transactional relationships", or maybe he lost his job or took a paycut he didn't tell you about).

Needing more money than what's coming in explains (not excuse, explain) the HELOC & the hunt for a new job.

 

[mjkacmom]

What area of the country do you live in? Living in a high COL area, salaries are higher, but not high enough to compensate for the COL. I can’t imagine what salary would be needed to support a second place to live in CA and bring in even more money than he does now.

 

[robinb]

OP, I looked at some of the searches.

(1) Exness Pro appears to be a Crypto platform.
(2) Someone reported a Crypto Currency Scam to the feds. One of the people he googled, "Baolin Xia" lives in SF and was part of the scam.
https://dfi.wa.gov/consumer/alerts/...g-operating-out-los-angeles-and-san-francisco
(3) I googled the phone number. It's attached to a nasty Escort listing.

I wonder if your DH has fallen for a Crypto scam and is trying to get out of it by giving them more money.

I have a friend who likes to play with scammers who reach out to him. He pretended to be a busy doctor and he kept one beautiful young woman (from the photos "she" sent him, lOL) on the hook for weeks while "she" tried to soften him up. "She" massaged his ego and sent him tons of happy friendly messages, flirting and showing interest in him. He would tell "her" the most outlandishly hysterical stories using innuendo and slang terms that wouldn't translate well and "she" would compliment him on a job well done in surgery. Finally, "she" set the hook and tried to get him to invest in Crypto with "her". "She" finally lost interest when he didn't download the app she wanted him to download. My friend figured that he kept "her" busy for a while so she wasn't scamming someone else.

 

[sasywtch]

I really want to be honest with you. When I was 32 with 4 kids; youngest was one my husband left with a 21 year old that he had gotten pregnant. We were the "model" American family. He was a district manager for Coca Cola, I had worked for the state and we were the Disneyland every year family. He got a new job, didn't pay child support, lied about his income. Not saying your husband is cheating, I think he's going through a life situation where every day life is not what he thought. The reason why I told you about the above is, I went through a major depression for a year. I didn't work, went on welfare/food stamps and cried a lot. A year later something hit me and I found how strong I can be. I went back to work, I had him served with his legitimate income and finally got child support. We are stronger than we think we are. You are too! You may be in a wheelchair but you can be more independent. My daughter is paralyzed from the breast down and to be honest, being a caregiver can be taxing and not how I thought I would spend my retirement years. That is NOT HER FAULT. But we talk about it and she is learning to do more and more on her own and it is actually making her happy. I don't know your medical condition but talking to others even in a group on the internet can be good. You make new friends and learn new techniques to help you.

Now with your husband. I don't think he is messing around with another woman but, at no time would I ever let him take out a large second on the house like that. It is your security and you have to protect that. Even if he made more in the bay area, that is a joke. People from the bay area can't afford to live there and they are moving here to the Sacramento area to live. The electricity, heating and gasoline is more expensive here (gas is $5.29 a gallon for the cheapest unleaded right now-sure it's more in the bay area). This may be scary but knowing what I know now, I would file for legal separation which holds all monies accountable. It does not mean you have to get a divorce but it helps to protect the money. At no time would I ever allow someone to have a separate account that I had no access to in situations like this. (I realize some couples have separate accounts and share bills but they are on the up and up and assuming if things got questionable, they would re-evaluate that situation). Right now your focus is to protect yourself and not try to figure him out. Do not sign those papers. Sorry to be so blunt but I've seen a story such as this a few years ago on here and the wife went along even after everyone on here told her not to and he screwed her over.

**edited to add: I just read the above post about the currency scam I am honestly ignorant on that kind of stuff. However, if he is unwilling to be honest if he did fall for this stuff, I still stand behind what I wrote above.

 

[Chili327]

For anyone with questions, here is an excellent source of info & people to answer anonymously. (regarding Crypto, etc)
https://www.reddit.com/r/Scams/

 

[QueenIsabella]

Looking at those screen shots--I wonder if LA Escorts is hiring?

Just a joke, a little levity to lighten up a serious thread. It was the first thought that popped into my mind.

Yeah, he's up to no good, for whatever reason. OP, please protect yourself. By all means, if he'll go to counseling, it's worth a try. But, you need to worry about you and your child.

P.S. I agree with the PP who said higher salaries in San Francisco are a joke--people can't afford rent, let alone owning a house, even on large salaries. He's not going to be living large there.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

Ok, here are the things I found in his history.

I don’t doubt that he wants to see the area of where a potential new job might be located, but it’s these extra “sights” that have flipped me out big time. I think I said in a previous post that he has cancelled this trip. But just the idea…..

OP, I looked at some of the searches.

(1) Exness Pro appears to be a Crypto platform.
(2) Someone reported a Crypto Currency Scam to the feds. One of the people he googled, "Baolin Xia" lives in SF and was part of the scam.
https://dfi.wa.gov/consumer/alerts/...g-operating-out-los-angeles-and-san-francisco
(3) I googled the phone number. It's attached to a nasty Escort listing.

I wonder if your DH has fallen for a Crypto scam and is trying to get out of it by giving them more money.

I have a friend who likes to play with scammers who reach out to him. He pretended to be a busy doctor and he kept one beautiful young woman (from the photos "she" sent him, lOL) on the hook for weeks while "she" tried to soften him up. "She" massaged his ego and sent him tons of happy friendly messages, flirting and showing interest in him. He would tell "her" the most outlandishly hysterical stories using innuendo and slang terms that wouldn't translate well and "she" would compliment him on a job well done in surgery. Finally, "she" set the hook and tried to get him to invest in Crypto with "her". "She" finally lost interest when he didn't download the app she wanted him to download. My friend figured that he kept "her" busy for a while so she wasn't scamming someone else.

So, @robinb, you’re saying some young sexy thang faked sexual interest in an effort to coax your friend into a crypto scam. OP’s husband is doing searches about a specific crypto scam ring that operated out of LA and San Francisco. He’s searching for a San Francisco woman named Baolin Xia (also known as Yvette Ye) who was involved with this scam. He’s also searching escort services in LA and San Fran. He suddenly needs a large sum of money and is planning a trip to San Francisco. Any chance this woman was involved with an escort service, or pretended to be? Did she rope him into this crypto scam? Is he looking for her?

OP, is your husband the kind of person to seek revenge on someone?

 

[wenrob]

OP, I looked at some of the searches.

(1) Exness Pro appears to be a Crypto platform.
(2) Someone reported a Crypto Currency Scam to the feds. One of the people he googled, "Baolin Xia" lives in SF and was part of the scam.
https://dfi.wa.gov/consumer/alerts/...g-operating-out-los-angeles-and-san-francisco
(3) I googled the phone number. It's attached to a nasty Escort listing.

I wonder if your DH has fallen for a Crypto scam and is trying to get out of it by giving them more money.

I have a friend who likes to play with scammers who reach out to him. He pretended to be a busy doctor and he kept one beautiful young woman (from the photos "she" sent him, lOL) on the hook for weeks while "she" tried to soften him up. "She" massaged his ego and sent him tons of happy friendly messages, flirting and showing interest in him. He would tell "her" the most outlandishly hysterical stories using innuendo and slang terms that wouldn't translate well and "she" would compliment him on a job well done in surgery. Finally, "she" set the hook and tried to get him to invest in Crypto with "her". "She" finally lost interest when he didn't download the app she wanted him to download. My friend figured that he kept "her" busy for a while so she wasn't scamming someone else.

DING DING DING We have a winner! I did not do any Googling but as soon as I saw those screenshots I knew he was caught up in a scam. You may very well already be broke OP. DO NOT sign that HELOC. You’d be throwing away your only security. Talk to your lawyer ASAP.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Yikes. Not to be a dark cloud but I'm not so sure you are in the clear or that you nipped this in the bud. If I saw this I would get myself to a Dr IMMEDIATELY to be checked for every STD under the sun. There are many men who go to trafficking victims thinking they are all ok with things when they have no choice but to comply or be beaten, and those poor people do not get the best healthcare. You have no idea how long he has been involved.

Also, definitely do not sign a single thing, sounds to me like he is looking to skip town with his half of the house money and leave you stuck with paying off the home equity of his half.

Things are not looking great but protect yourself first, cry later.

 

[wenrob]

So, @robinb, you’re saying some young sexy thang faked sexual interest in an effort to coax your friend into a crypto scam. OP’s husband is doing searches about a specific crypto scam ring that operated out of LA and San Francisco. He’s searching for a San Francisco woman named Baolin Xia (also known as Yvette Ye) who was involved with this scam. He’s also searching escort services in LA and San Fran. He suddenly needs a large sum of money and is planning a trip to San Francisco. Any chance this woman was involved with an escort service, or pretended to be? Did she rope him into this crypto scam? Is he looking for her?

OP, is your husband the kind of person to seek revenge on someone?

More likely he’s trying to verify this is all going to make him rich. Why try to take a HELOC and separate his income from the OP’s for revenge? That doesn’t add up. My gut says he separated the income so she wouldn’t see where the money was going.

 

[robinb]

So, @robinb, you’re saying some young sexy thang faked sexual interest in an effort to coax your friend into a crypto scam. OP’s husband is doing searches about a specific crypto scam ring that operated out of LA and San Francisco. He’s searching for a San Francisco woman named Baolin Xia (also known as Yvette Ye) who was involved with this scam. He’s also searching escort services in LA and San Fran. He suddenly needs a large sum of money and is planning a trip to San Francisco. Any chance this woman was involved with an escort service, or pretended to be? Did she rope him into this crypto scam? Is he looking for her?

OP, is your husband the kind of person to seek revenge on someone?

Could be. The scammer might also want to launder the money through the escort service. Or that might be the number that Baolin the scammer gave him.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

More likely he’s trying to verify this is all going to make him rich. Why try to take a HELOC and separate his income from the OP’s for revenge? That doesn’t add up. My gut says he separated the income so she wouldn’t see where the money was going.

Oh, he definitely doesn’t want OP to see where the money is going. If he googles that woman’s name he’s going to find it’s a scam, not verify that it will make him rich. I just assumed he was dealing with two issues. 1) He lost/owes a significant amount of money, 2) He’s angry about it.

 

[Chili327]

Oh, he definitely doesn’t want OP to see where the money is going. If he googles that woman’s name he’s going to find it’s a scam, not verify that it will make him rich. I just assumed he was dealing with two issues. 1) He lost/owes a significant amount of money, 2) He’s angry about it.

3) He is being scammed again to "try to get his money back"... First thing a scammed person does is get hit with a million opportunities to "get it back". He could be trying to get back what he already lost & trying to hide that from her.

 

[wenrob]

Oh, he definitely doesn’t want OP to see where the money is going. If he googles that woman’s name he’s going to find it’s a scam, not verify that it will make him rich. I just assumed he was dealing with two issues. 1) He lost/owes a significant amount of money, 2) He’s angry about it.

That he still wants to go through with the HELOC and still wants to go to California says to me that even though everything shows it’s a scam, he doesn’t believe it is or he thinks he can out scam the scammer. There are those in this world who will toss all of their critical thinking skills for whatever it is that they WANT to be true despite mounds of evidence to the contrary. Money in particular will do that to people.

For what it’s worth I don’t think he’s actually visited an escort. I think the previous searches have led him to those searches. I’d still get myself checked out though.

 

[gottalovepluto]

More likely he’s trying to verify this is all going to make him rich. Why try to take a HELOC and separate his income from the OP’s for revenge? That doesn’t add up. My gut says he separated the income so she wouldn’t see where the money was going.

My money says he has already lost the money he hid away as barely anyone is smart enough to travel somewhere to verify a get rich scheme will make them rich before investing.

...I wonder if your DH has fallen for a Crypto scam and is trying to get out of it by giving them more money...

From your intel gathering off the searches + his attempt at the HELOC it's really starting to look like that.


OP, if you haven't already do a check on your financials and your DD's financials (run your credit reports) to make sure there are no surprises there, that is done online with each of the bureaus individually. While doing that Freeze each of the 3 bureaus (Transunion, Experian, Equifax), again you'll have to do this for each bureau. Banks you already do business with will still be able to run your credit but no one new will be able to without you going in and unfreezing. Freezing and unfreezing are always free and almost immediate, you do it all online. ….And maybe think twice about showing your hand too much when talking to him so he doesn't realize where you got your intel, otherwise that intel avenue will be shut down.

 

[gottalovepluto]

Has he said what he needs that money for? Maybe I missed that part.

In order to further fund his trading according to the first post

 

[wenrob]

My money says he has already lost the money he hid away as barely anyone is smart enough to travel somewhere to verify a get rich scheme will make them rich before investing.


From your intel gathering off the searches + his attempt at the HELOC it's really starting to look like that.


OP, if you haven't already do a check on your financials and your DD's financials (run your credit reports) to make sure there are no surprises there, that is done online with each of the bureaus individually. While doing that Freeze each of the 3 bureaus (Transunion, Experian, Equifax), again you'll have to do this for each bureau. Banks you already do business with will still be able to run your credit but no one new will be able to without you going in and unfreezing. Freezing and unfreezing are always free and almost immediate, you do it all online. ….And maybe think twice about showing your hand too much when talking to him so he doesn't realize where you got your intel, otherwise that intel avenue will be shut down.

Oh yeah, he’s probably already lost a ton of money, no doubt. I’m thinking he might think he’s “in love” with the scammer or he’s been told he needs to bring the HELOC money in person. Or they have a job waiting for him.

Great advice on doing a check and freezing things.

Kudos to the OP for listening to her gut. Usually if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it’s a duck. So many women go against their own instincts and end up totally screwed or worse.