Husband Quit His Job

[PneumaticTransit]

My husband called me yesterday afternoon yelling that he had enough of his job and was leaving. This isn't the first time this has happened, and I figured it was just him having another "tiffy" that would soon blow over. Well, this morning he refused to get up and go to work - so if his employer didn't count his walking out yesterday as quitting, he'll almost surely be fired for not going today.
My husband is BEYOND horrible with money. I am in charge of all of the bills. For some reason, last week he opened our electric bill and exclaimed "$104?!?! Didn't you pay the bill last month?" <sigh> Yes I did, the bill last month was $140...
He has NO concept of what our bills are. He has no concept of the value of anything. I am responsible for EVERYTHING around our house: cleaning, laundry, bills, pets, cutting the grass, taking out the trash, groceries, etc... etc... I have had the "responsability talk" with him more than once asking him to please help me out. It never seems to last long. I have finally given up, and told him the only thing I expected out of him was to go to work. Now it seems he won't even be doing that.
Neither of us makes much money, but he made a little more than me. (I make around $20K/year, working full time - and that's with 3 promotions!) We do not live beyond our means at all, I have mananged to save about $5K in less than a year (the time we've been married). The job market here is horrible - there is no way he will be able to get a job making what he did (which was only $12/hour). What I'm trying to say is - I'm stuck. I don't know what to do. I live 1600 miles from my family and have no friends here to turn to. Has anyone else been in this situation? I felt like screaming at him this morning saying since he'd have sooooo much time on his hands he should go to the courthouse and file for divorce. Now, I love him very much and don't want to get a divorce - but I cannot live like this... Im a stress bomb...

 

[Lizzydoll73]

I was in a similar situation in 2000. My husband to-be quit his job in retail 2 days before our wedding. I was three months pregnant at the time and also worked in retail. He would not find another job and sat home playing playstation while I worked. We did live with my parents at the time so it was not a major financial burden. After two months I told him he had to do some thing so I sent him to a computer tech school that I had to charge on my credit card. Luckily, he found a computer related job the month I gave birth. Now he works and I don't. I stay at home with our 2 kids and take care of things around the house and he brings home the money. I really hope things work out for you, I know how hard this must be for you. You should really discuss how you feel with your husband. You 2 are the only ones that can solve this. Good Luck!

 

[barbnbrian]

Sorry for your hard time. But, a person (you) can only be pushed so far before they will snap. Give him the ultimatum, shape up or ship out. I know I sound cold, but I've been there sister. I put up for six years and it wasn't until I had my son that decided that enough was enough. One child (my son) was a enough and my husband had to go, as much as I "thought" I loved him.

I'm not encouraging you to go ahead and divorce him, just trying to make you see that a marriage is a partnership and it sounds like he's not participating.

Good luck!

 

[punkin]

There is only one question to be aksed if you are looking to divorce. Will I be better off with him or without him? Only you know the answer to this. Generally, however, I believe that unless he drinks (alcoholically), takes drugs, gambles, or beats you or the kids, you are generally better off with him.

However, I would still give him a ultimatum and follow thru. If he does not chenge, you need to leave. Go back to your family. AND whatever you do, DO NOT have a child with him until you feel he chnged. If you have no kids, you can pick up at any minute and leave. With a child, everything is much more complicated.

I'm sorry for your situation. I've been there.

 

[MELSMICE]

You are in a tough situation. It sounds like your DH needs to mature a little bit.

While this may be hard, here is my suggestion:

--Tell him that because he is home every day now that he has to be responsible for some of the household chores. He should be cutting the grass, taking out the trash & taking care of the pets. He could even do laundry (unless of course you don't want him to - last time my DH did laundry he washed it with fabric softener)
Do not cave in & do these things yourself, even if the trash is falling on the floor & the grass is knee high.

--Seeing as though HE quit his job - HE doesn't have money of his own right now, therefore, don't give him any spending money out of your pay check for ANYTHING, unless.............................he does some of the chores for the house.

If he's going to act like a child, then he should be treated like a child.

 

[crisi]

Do you have kids?

If not, I'd kick him out. Tell him you aren't sure you want a divorce, but you do want a legal seperation (and make sure you get one, you don't want to declare bankruptcy being responsible for his bills). See if living on his own, doing his own laundry, and paying his own rent is enough to have him shape up. Then, with him taking care of himself, and - more importantly - you taking care of yourself and getting rid of the stress - you can talk about if you still want to be married. Twenty years from now, its doubtful if - under this kind of stress - you will still "love him very much" - something has to change or you will regret giving him years of your life.

I've been there too. He never did do dishes, no matter how green I let them get. He never did learn not to spend money. He never did figure out why holding a steady job was important. Fortunately, he also never figured out why it was important not to date other women, and eventually one of them took him off my hands - but if I had to do it again, I'd give him the boot.

With kids, things change.

 

[CarolA]

Generally, however, I believe that unless he drinks (alcoholically), takes drugs, gambles, or beats you or the kids, you are generally better off with him.

Sorry, but this is just not true! If you are miserable you ar better off without him no matter WHAT he does. I grew up in house where the parents stayed together and were miserable. Trust me, it is not good and kids know!


Now as to the OP, personally I would be out of there, but.. I know that can be a hard decision. I would have told him to file for Divorce (but to be honest, you would probably have to pay for that too.)

I agree with the poster who said "no work, no money" CUT HIM OFF! It sounds like he went from his parents to you and has always had someone to "rescue" him. HIDE the savings or he will spend it!

 

[erinz]

I feel SO BAD for you! I can't imaging how hard this must be for you.

It is going to come down to how much of his behavior you can take. He is not participating in your relationship. He is doing nothing to show you he cares about making your relationship work, or about helping you out in any way.

I have no doubt that you love him. But love all by itself is not a reason to stay in a relationship. There has to be respect, friendship, partnership, responsibility

If he is not willing to work at improving this situation, then there is no relationship. There are only two roomates. One, who is in alot of pain, and the other who doesn't care.

He has to want to change. Until he does, take care of yourself anyway you can.

I REALLY hope it all works out Are there any counselors that might be able to offer sliding scale? Does your employer offer EAP benefits? If your husband would at least be willing to talk with someone with you that would be a really positive step.

 

[punkin]

CarolA, notice I said "generally." I would not presume to judge your parents (or anyone else). Each situation is different, but for the most part people caan work out most problems without getting divorced. BTW, notice in this case, my advice was to leave.

 

[HenDuck]

See if he will go to marriage and/or debt counseling with you. If he won't, the handwriting is on the wall.

Like other posters have said, you cannot change him. If he does not want to change, there's nothing you can do about HIM. You can, though, do something about YOURSELF.

Whatever you choose, I wish you the very best.

 

[Nik's Mom]

First of all, I am so sorry for your pain! I know how it feels. I have a very good friend who went through your same situation, except she had three children. After many years of the same thing, with no attempt by her DH to change his ways, she finally walked out the door. Trust me, he probably will not change. Some people are just perpetual children! It sounds like you have already had talks with him, but with no results. All I can say is, kick him to the curb sister.
Sending hugs your way. We're all here to cry right along with you!

 

[Janet100]

Stacy,
I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I've been there too. I was married to a man that did the same thing for 16 years. I would get us a step ahead and he would take us 2 steps back. I took care of almost everything. Looking back, I wish I had gotten out of the marriage sooner before we had a child. However, my child gave me the courage and strenth to go back to college and get a divorce so that my child and I could have a better life. I guess one of the worse memories (and a turning point) was that I had dreamed of taking our 6 year old son to DisneyWorld. He had never even been on a vacation. I saved and planned. On our second day we were at Epcot. My husband decided he had had enough and it was time to go. We had been there for about 2 hours. He just started walking towards the parking lot. He was going to just leave us there. He asked for half the cash that I had brought and said he would take a bus home. We were at the hotel by this time and I said no. We just piled everything into our rented minivan and drove back to Atlanta and about 6 hours. We didn't say a word to each other. That is how selfish the man was. The good news is that I went back to college and finished. Got a divorce. And just by chance, I met the most wonderful man that is now my husband. We have been to Disney twice with our son and we have an adult only trip planned at the end of this month.
I just wanted to share my story with you. I would never tell anyone else to get a divorce or stay with someone. That is a personal decision. I wish you the best and hope that things get better for you.

 

[Keebles]

I have been there...I married an alcoholic who wouldn't keep a job very long. He would go for extended periods of time and not work at all. I paid all the bills. I never saw a dime from him. He was never there for me emotionally either. He always made me feel like I wasn't good enough and that my sole purpose in life was to serve him.

I was stupid enough to believe him. I decided that I alone would take care of us. I was and am an overly giving person and thought I didn't need to take anything from him (financial or emotional). But after a while, it will break you. You cannot deal with everything on your own. After two years in therapy, I realized that I never even loved him in the first place.

I can say now that I am so much better off (I may have to work two jobs for the rest of my life, but hey, I can still get to Disney World every couple of years). I will never get involved in another relationship again because I can't trust myself not to end up in the same situation. I've been on my own six years now and couldn't be happier. But that's just me.

You need to sit down with yourself and do some serious soul-searching. Decide what it is you want from the relationship and talk to him about it. If he's not willing to at least meet you halfway, then it's time to throw in the towel because he will always get his way and you will always be miserable and a human being can only take so much of being miserable before they snap.

Having said all that, it is no use for anyone to tell you anything about what you should do. Friends and family can tell you how they think it is and should be until they're blue in the face (I left the first time based on family opinions and got back with him not a week later), but until you decide for yourself what you want, nothing will change. Once your mind is made up, he doesn't stand a chance (once I kicked him out for good, there were no tears, no screaming, just a simple "get out and leave your keys" and no begging he could have done was or did sway me). That's not to say you won't have your "bad days" and "fall off the wagon" so to speak, but like everything emotional, it just takes time to heal.

Good luck and keep us informed!! My thoughts are with you!

 

[crazelion]

Have anyone thought the job has put unreasonable job quotas on him. He finally snap and decide not to be a slave anymore to his job.

The job may of gone crazy in wanting to meet production.

These jobs today expect alot out people and keep pushing for every drop production that you give them.

I know the HomeGoods have gone crazy. That all employees suppuse to open 25 boxes a hour. Some those boxes wait up to 70 pounds. They have all females in the stockroom and expect that kind of production. They have lost there mind. There employees is quiting on them left right.

Talk to some people that work with him ask them how they like there job. You might find the real reason he quit his job.

 

[carlamouse]

My ex-husband was my first love. He was my first everything, which made it hard for me to realize he wasn't exactly my ideal. My ex used to quit jobs often. One year he had about 10 different W-2 forms from all the jobs he had that year. I could never count on him for health coverage, so I always made sure I kept a job with benefits. Eight years my senior, he married me right after I graduated college. We then moved 500 miles away from my nearest friends and family, so no one could hear me scream. 2 weeks after our marriage, he told me it was a mistake. I should have had it annulled right then and there. Instead, I tried to make it work because I loved him madly. Less than a year into our marriage, he gave me a back eye. I left for a month, but then I moved back in because I just couldn't let go. Fast forward 4 more years...while fighting, he knocked me over while I was still holding our then 10 day old newborn daughter. As I lay there on the floor still holding the baby, I finally had taken enough. I called the police, they took him away, and I got out. My family drove 500 miles to help me move, and I haven't looked back since. That was 4 years ago. I am now a single homeowner, and have a promising career as a budget analyst for my state government. And fortunately, my daughter had no ill effects from the prior events and is now a thriving 4 year old.

Look, I can't tell you what to do for your situation. All I can say is that when you are with someone who is miserable, they will tend to make you miserable too. As they say, misery loves company. Just make sure his misery doesn't become your misery.

 

[crazyme5kids]

Tell him how you feel! Make him sit and do the bills with you. Make him do the housework with you. He probably has had someone do for him all his life. It sounds like he went from mommy to mommy/wife. Stop being a martyr! You are his wife not his mother.

 

[dana0069]

This is not the place to be asking for advise on this.
Reverse the situation...would you want someone saying to your husband "kick her *** to the curb" or "ship up or ship out" or any of these other so well thought out brilliant suggestions?

try a marriage councilar or something?

don't listen to what other people have to say, especially on this board, or you will find yourself divorced.

 

[Took]

I agree with dana0069. Get to counseling. If he won't go, go without him. That's where you need to find answers, not here.

Good luck to you.

took

 

[crisi]

Originally posted by crazelion
Have anyone thought the job has put unreasonable job quotas on him. He finally snap and decide not to be a slave anymore to his job.

The job may of gone crazy in wanting to meet production.

These jobs today expect alot out people and keep pushing for every drop production that you give them.

I know the HomeGoods have gone crazy. That all employees suppuse to open 25 boxes a hour. Some those boxes wait up to 70 pounds. They have all females in the stockroom and expect that kind of production. They have lost there mind. There employees is quiting on them left right.

Talk to some people that work with him ask them how they like there job. You might find the real reason he quit his job.

If this were the first time he had done this, if he were helpful around the house, then I'd think maybe this job was at fault and his employer was being unreasonable. But since this isn't the first time and he doesn't help around the house and doesn't choose to be aware of money matters at all, I'm guessing it isn't a series of bad jobs and unreasonable requests from his wife to take out the trash, but a real issue on his part.

And Dana - yes - if I were posting here that my husband was irresponsible to this extent, cheated on me, beat me, was so selfish, I'd want people to tell me what they thought - or I wouldn't bother posting. After I got out of my situation, the people who were my friends and stayed my friends and have been the most valuable to me for twenty years, are the ones who spoke up while I was there and after. The ones that didn't care enough to speak up, didn't stay my friends for long - not because I kicked them out of my life, but because it turned out we didn't care enough about each other to bother to keep up contact. I don't know PneumaticTransit, she can't call me a friend, but I feel an obligation to pass on my experience and the good that my friends did for me in the situation. I never left - he did. But when he did, it was my friends who were all pointed out how bad the situation had been that helped me move on quickly.

 

[DiznEeyore]

I'm so sorry for your situation, OP!!

From what you're saying, it sounds like your hubby has it made -- you do everything for him!! From his point of view, why should he change? My best friend's parents were in this *exact* situation for 25+ years, until her dad died this past year. It was totally co-dependent and very sad to see her mom (a sweet, loving lady) allowing herself to be put through all that.

Counseling would definitely be my only advice; it could help you figure out where you want to go from here.

Good luck -- I hope you can find happiness whatever you decide to do.