hurt/tired dd trouble (sorry long post)

[tigercat]

I have 4 kids. 3 are here today with me and are happy to be here. One dd however didn't call, althought I would have been shocked if she had of. This dd was really hard to handle as a teenager and of course everything was my fault. Funny thing was, the others see things differently. That I was okay, but she was out of control. My dh and I did everything we could but there were times where we were thinking that we really needed special help with her. She would run away, (and the families she ran away to never let us know where she was) and us not knowing where she was, was abusive to me as well as her siblings. At one time coming after her younger brother with a knife saying she was going to kill him. Her story is that we never helped her, never did anything for her and left her out of everything. She didn't want to go on vacation with us, it seems I didn't help her learn to drive but did help her siblings. We tried everything to get her to come with us to no avail. As for the driving, with each kid as they were learning I would be going somewhere and ask them if they wanted to drive. She was no different except she never wanted to drive with me. But I didn't help her???? After sleeping around she got pregnant and had a baby when she was 17. The father was a no show. She lived at our house and I helped look after the baby so that she could go to school. I bought a lot of the things the baby needed or wanted. After 3 yrs she picked up one day and told me that she was living with someone and I wasn't going to see the child again. This after me helping to raise her. Of course after a while she needed someone to look after the child so back she came. When she was older we would take her on vacation with us, paying for everything. In order to get things she would be sent with clothes that were not appropriate for where we were and we would have to spend the money to outfit her. My dd married the man and we were told after as she was picking up her child. She had another child and I then had 2 kids to look after. I did a lot with the 2 kids and I helped my dd as much as I could. My other kids were getting upset because of how much time, effort and money I spent on her. Then when the oldest was in high school I suggested that my dd and I take turns taking her oldest to school. That did it. Her and the grandkids have had almost no contact with me. I have heard a lot of stories from my own siblings (she talks to them) about how bad I treated her. I am stupid and worthless it seems. I have been sick for 2 yrs now. However, she told my siblings that I was faking it all and they believed her. She told them that I never took the medicine the Dr. gave me and that is why I "supposedly" was sick. I was in the hospital at one point with pnumonia and the H1N1 flu in isolation. I was still faking it. My other dd insisted that she go and visit me and bring me some food as I was having trouble getting any. She did come but stayed as little as she could. That was it. Never called to see how I was. I am now afraid to open my mouth and say anything at all in her presence as everything is taken out of context and repeated to others. My oldest grandchild is now doing this as well. I am so hurt. I would like to just let this go and most times I can do that but I guess today it was hard. There is a lot more to this but this is already far too long.
tigercat

 

[darlak]

I have no advice, but I don't think you're asking for any. I just want to say that I'm sorry you're hurting. Parenting is hard. Sometimes even harder when they're grown.

 

[Planogirl]

I'm so sorry that you've had to deal with so much.

 

[catherine]

Sorry I have no words of advice, just wanted to give you a big hug Sorry that you are having to go through this!

 

[Mermaid02]

I have 4 kids. 3 are here today with me and are happy to be here. One dd however didn't call, althought I would have been shocked if she had of. This dd was really hard to handle as a teenager and of course everything was my fault. Funny thing was, the others see things differently. That I was okay, but she was out of control. My dh and I did everything we could but there were times where we were thinking that we really needed special help with her. She would run away, (and the families she ran away to never let us know where she was) and us not knowing where she was, was abusive to me as well as her siblings. At one time coming after her younger brother with a knife saying she was going to kill him. Her story is that we never helped her, never did anything for her and left her out of everything. She didn't want to go on vacation with us, it seems I didn't help her learn to drive but did help her siblings. We tried everything to get her to come with us to no avail. As for the driving, with each kid as they were learning I would be going somewhere and ask them if they wanted to drive. She was no different except she never wanted to drive with me. But I didn't help her???? After sleeping around she got pregnant and had a baby when she was 17. The father was a no show. She lived at our house and I helped look after the baby so that she could go to school. I bought a lot of the things the baby needed or wanted. After 3 yrs she picked up one day and told me that she was living with someone and I wasn't going to see the child again. This after me helping to raise her. Of course after a while she needed someone to look after the child so back she came. When she was older we would take her on vacation with us, paying for everything. In order to get things she would be sent with clothes that were not appropriate for where we were and we would have to spend the money to outfit her. My dd married the man and we were told after as she was picking up her child. She had another child and I then had 2 kids to look after. I did a lot with the 2 kids and I helped my dd as much as I could. My other kids were getting upset because of how much time, effort and money I spent on her. Then when the oldest was in high school I suggested that my dd and I take turns taking her oldest to school. That did it. Her and the grandkids have had almost no contact with me. I have heard a lot of stories from my own siblings (she talks to them) about how bad I treated her. I am stupid and worthless it seems. I have been sick for 2 yrs now. However, she told my siblings that I was faking it all and they believed her. She told them that I never took the medicine the Dr. gave me and that is why I "supposedly" was sick. I was in the hospital at one point with pnumonia and the H1N1 flu in isolation. I was still faking it. My other dd insisted that she go and visit me and bring me some food as I was having trouble getting any. She did come but stayed as little as she could. That was it. Never called to see how I was. I am now afraid to open my mouth and say anything at all in her presence as everything is taken out of context and repeated to others. My oldest grandchild is now doing this as well. I am so hurt. I would like to just let this go and most times I can do that but I guess today it was hard. There is a lot more to this but this is already far too long.
tigercat

Is she mentally ill? It sounds like there is something going on besides the fact that she's just mean.

I'm sorry- but your other kids know the truth and I'm sure they love and appreciate you!

 

[libraryfreak]

First, hugs to you. When your kids do mean things or are bad, we as parents always blame ourselves. Where did we go wrong? What should I of done differently? But when they do great things, we put it on them "He's so smart/hardworking/etc", instead of telling ourselves "I did THIS right." Its a no win situation. We take the blame but never the credit.

You should go for counseling. Do you have a Tough Love chapter in your area? It really helps to talk to others in your situation. Do you have friends that would give you an honest opinion as to how they see the situation? Sometimes there is a dynamic going on that can be seen by outsiders that you do not see. As bad as it sounds, maybe you should cut relations with her and concentrate on your other kids?

I wish you luck.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Is she mentally ill? It sounds like there is something going on besides the fact that she's just mean.

I'm sorry- but your other kids know the truth and I'm sure they love and appreciate you!

I thought the same thing. She just does not sound right in the head.

HUGS to you.

 

[FredinFL]

I'm sorry, she sounds like a manipulator and sounds like she has some kind of mental problem to me as well. For your siblings to believe her without talking to you or seeing you is awful.

 

[luvsJack]

When I first started reading I thought you meant a teen ager, this is a grown woman with grown (or almost grown children)!! --am I reading this right?

Well, I am surprised that your other children have not told her off!

I agree that there must be some mental illness here. Someone should suggest she get counseling. But, for you, you have to get past this and realize that its not your fault. Whether she is mentally ill or just so self centered that she refuses to see the truth--its NOT your fault. You have gone above and beyond for her and her kids.

I know she is your child and you will never stop loving her, but you have to get to a point of knowing that this is all on HER not you in anyway.

 

[handinpocket]

There has to be much more to this story but......no good can ever come of a parent going on a Walt Disney World message board and telling the whole community that her daughter is a slut, psycho, horrible parent and basically a worthless human being.

 

[GinnyEmma]

I am so sorry. Life is so not right sometimes.

 

[Rora]

I must ditto what some of the PPs mentioned. It sounds like your DD could be suffering from some form of a mental illness.

to you and your family, as well as to your DD who needs it big time.

 

[cabanafrau]

There has to be much more to this story but......no good can ever come of a parent going on a Walt Disney World message board and telling the whole community that her daughter is a slut, psycho, horrible parent and basically a worthless human being.

I didn't see that in her post. I did see a mother's hurting heart, relating what I think is the story of her undiagnosed, untreated, mentally ill child, which is now furthering itself in the next generation. I sure know I don't want to invite trouble to my own doorstep by being smug about the fact she chose to put it out in cyberspace.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I'm sorry.

It definitely sounds like she has a mental illness which would make it hard for her to control some things (and maybe impossible without the right tools). I'm guessing at this age she's probably resistant to counseling, but it might help if her siblings suggested it.

We all look back and think of things we should have done, but for whatever reason didn't or couldn't at the time. In case her children (or other grandchildren, etc) start showing the same signs/behavior, I'd definitely suggest counseling while before they turn 18 (when you have no say in it anymore).

 

[luvsJack]

There has to be much more to this story but......no good can ever come of a parent going on a Walt Disney World message board and telling the whole community that her daughter is a slut, psycho, horrible parent and basically a worthless human being.

That same train of thought could be said for most anything that is posted on this board.

Maybe she just wanted to talk to someone outside of the situation?

 

[tigercat]

First off yes she is a grown women. She has grown and changed in her behaviour as soon as she got pregnant. She really has tried hard to parent her children. I have been proud of her for changing her life around and she is very intelligent. I have tried to tell her how proud I am of her for her persuits over the years. She has a small business that she started and has worked hard at. She is working full time now. She just seems to have a different idea of anything I have done. I would really love to have the same relationship with her as I do the others but it just hurts that I don't think she will ever let it happen. One of my kids has talked to her but she has her own ideas. She is not a slut or a horrible parent. Her children are good kids that don't do drugs, sleep around and get good grades. I think the things she did she has made sure her own hasn't done. She has always been very strong willed and has had a mind of her own. Sorry for posting this as the intent had been more sadness on my part. I am proud of her for what she has accomplished and for her smarts. She is still married to her dh and they are very stable. At the time I was not upset with looking after her kids. I love them and was happy with the time I spent with them. I am really not sure what happened to have this happen and really have no idea how to get out of it. Right now just letting things go and hope that in the future things will get better. I will concentrate on my other grandchildren for now. Thanks for all your hugs and yes I wasn't asking for advice and I am in couselling.
tigercat

 

[LuvOrlando]

I am sorry you are hurting but did you realize that in your entire original post there are some things you didn't say. You didn't say you love her, or miss her, or complement her at all, all you did was give a list of why you think she should love you and why you are entitled to be mad at her.

It could be time has worn you down, and you are just licking your wounds. If you still love her then just love her no matter where she is or her circumstances and make sure you tell her, for yourself. There is no such thing as wasted love between a parent and a child

I just realized an overlap between your second one and this. The second post is more complimentary. It is good that you are in therapy over this feel better

 

[robinb]

{{Hugs}} I hope that you come to terms with your daughter and I am glad you are in counseling. It will help you move in the right direction and get over your heartache. I think that you will have to look forward in your relationships with your kids (ALL four of them, not just the problem DD) and not dwell in the past. Mistakes have obviously been made on all sides but it's how you move forward that will make the difference.

 

[Disney Doll]

My DH has 3 sisters, 1 of whom is like this. To hear her tell about her childhood, vs. how the my DH and his other 2 sisters talk about their childhood, you would think that 3 of them were raised in one house and the other one was raised in another house.

Sorry you are sad, but sometimes we just have to come to an acceptance of things in life, even if we do not like them. Family things are always so hard because there is always so much "baggage".

and Happy MOthers day 1 day late. You should be proud of how you have raised all your children. Even the one who is the problem child is doing a good job with her own family so she must have learned something from you!

 

[rie'smom]

I'm sorry you're in pain. It must have been so hard on Mother's Day not to be acknowledged. Sometimes there's a child in the family that for some reason just doesn't see things the way they really happened. It causes a lot of stress and heartbreak.