Thats a look at traffic and weather. And now for the news.
It was a horrific scene at the Bird Show today. Early this afternoon, hundreds of unsuspecting guests were enjoying their day at a local theme park when an irate park employee suddenly exploded into an episode of rage. The guests were verbally assaulted and forced to work in labor camps as the employee whipped and beat any noncompliant guests into submission. Police were alerted and appeared on the scene within minutes
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After returning back to the present in the nick of time, I scramble out of our vehicle and rush to the photo. Yep, there I am. In the back. Staring up at the dinosaur with my finger up my nose.
It is a finger up the nose, or am I merely looking pensive?
This is a whole lot funnier with Danny around.
Then
some little girl decides that the gift shop floor is the perfect place to plop down, pull out a bunch of dinos off the shelves, and start playing with them. I thought it was so sweet. But then, Im not her mother. The mom, after realizing what her daughter is doing, scolds her for sitting on the floor and getting in everyones way, then makes her put away all the dinosaurs.
But not before I snapped the picture.
The innocent little girl, sweetly playing with her carniverous and deadly playthings, mere moments from getting yelled at by her mom.
I skip over to the next building and look for the cheapest, least Disney-fied pen I can find. I know, I know, Im in Disney World. But the pen I use to scrawl notes about rude guests doesnt need all the frills. I just want a simple pen that writes. Which, by the way, are impossible to find on Disney property. So I settle for a $6 Mickey pen. Yes, that was the cheapest pen I could find. It had a magnetized Mickey dangling from a chain which got in my way when I wrote. But, it would have to do.
The cursed and annoying flying Mickey pen. And no, I'm not left handed.
I consult my touring plans.
Ride Kali River Rapids, it says. And then:
You will get wet. Notice the lack of the word may. Its pretty unambiguous. Which in my mind means
skip.
Whats next? Flights of Wonder. Hmmm
well, that FastPass is sort of burning a hole in my purse (read: not fanny pack), and I am outside my next FastPass window time. So Expedition Everest it is! And Im ready to get another FastPass.
I get another EE FastPass and hop in the FastPass line. Moments later and Im zooming through the Himalayas and loving life. I am loving it so much, in fact, that once I exit the building I turn right back around and jump into the Singles line and quickly walk through the ropes
and have to do a Fred Flinstone brake with my heels (sound effects, dust, and everything) because the line is filled with another Brazilian tour group with green shirts. Damn. I turn around and do the Walk Of Defeat back to the park. Flights of Wonder it is.
On the way, I saw an all-girl Brazilian group in gray shirts. What got my attention with this group was the fact that they were all female, bigger than any other group Ive seen in Disney World (easily two hundred or more), and that they all chanted and danced as they walk. They were pretty difficult to miss, if you ask me. The chanting was
bizarre. I was a little creeped out, to be honest. I hurried along to Flights of Wonder.
The park is slowly filling up. It isnt too bad, especially considering that its the middle of summer and the park is getting bombarded with throngs of tour groups. But it is definitely busier than it was this morning. The next Flights of Wonder show isnt starting for another twenty minutes or so, and the folks waiting outside begin building. People start lining up in anticipation for the show. I hang back since I know that there will be plenty of seating.
Ive encountered a couple Ride Nazis in my trips to the World. There was the Ride Nazi at Blizzard Beach who yelled at Dan for getting into his raft four seconds early. Then there was the Ride Nazi on the Jungle Cruise who berated me for stepping
over the cargo on the ship rather than
around it, despite the fact that he never told us the rules to begin with. They are the kind of people who think,
I hate my job, and you by association. Theyre a rare breed, fortunately. But if you look hard enough, you can find one wandering the property.
Meet Sue Ellen, the newest member of my Ride Nazi Wall of Fame. Okay, technically Flights of Wonder isnt a ride, but I really dont want to invent a new category for her. Although she is, by far, the meanest, nastiest, baddest Ride Nazi on this side of the Mississippi. I might even call her Head Ride Nazi. She must have a few Ride Nazi first-place ribbons adorning her display cabinet. She must keep motivational sayings on her refrigerator and bathroom mirror that remind her to:
Berate, Belittle, Be Nazi. She is probably hired to give seminars and teach at symposiums and give motivational speeches on Ride Nazi-ism. She simply put the other Ride Nazis to shame.
Sue Ellen (not her real name) is a short, wiry, 50-ish woman with ever-scanning eyes and a sharp tongue. The first thing Sue Ellen does to earn her Ride Nazi title is yell at everyone for lining up. There is no need to line up! Spread out! There is plenty of room for everyone to sit! She doesnt just instruct, she scolds us, and shes downright nasty about it, as if we are bumbling idiots rather than paying guests. The next thing Sue Ellen does is yell at the parents for not parking their strollers in the designated area
and for not lining them up in the back area. So
lets get this straight
we get berated for lining up ourselves, and berated for not lining up our strollers
got it. Thanks.
You might think that Sue Ellen is finished with all her yelling at this point, but you would be wrong. You dont earn Head Ride Nazi status by shouting a few instructions to guests. You have to work much, much harder than that. Sue Ellen proves her worthiness by roaring at unsuspecting guests who gasp! gathered too close to the handicap entrance. Keep this area cleared! Make room for folks with special needs! She is diligent about it too, as you would expect a Head Ride Nazi to be. As more unsuspecting guests arrive and mistakenly stand too close to the handicap entrance, Sue Ellen is all over them like a hungry fly to a fresh pile of dog crap.
When it is finally time to go inside the theatre, I hold my breath as I walk past her, afraid to breathe too heavy or look at her the wrong way. Once inside the theatre, I allow myself to exhale and relax a little, assuming that Ride Nazis wrath is over.
Again
you dont earn the Head Ride Nazi title by yelling a few times and then backing off a little, assuming everyone learned their lesson. No, you need to keep on folks like they were newborns in life with absolutely no idea how to get through the day without strict parental guidance. You need to remind folks who is boss. You need to take control over every situation. You need to be relentless. You need to be merciless. Like Gillian Michaels to an obese person.
The sweet little show about birds begins and this little girl in the row in front of me is having trouble seeing past the tall people in front of her. Her dad picks her up and holds her up in front of him so that her eyes are at the same level as his. In other words, he doesnt hoist her on his shoulders or have her stand on the bench or anything. She is no taller than he in this position. And it isnt bothering any of the guests behind them, including me.
But no matter. Rules are rules. And rule breakers will be punished. Made examples of. Boiled in their own pudding. Tarred and feathered and all that.
Within seconds, Sue Ellen is tapping the dad on the shoulder and loudly whispers (yes, it is possible) that his daughter must sit on the bench like a good obedient guest because shes blocking the view for the guests behind them (which they werent). So the poor little girl has to sit back down and try to enjoy the show via audio and visualize what is happening on stage. It was probably best, anyway. Kids these days dont use their imaginations anymore.
It is several minutes later and some poor, ignorant little boy in the back decides that he too cannot see the sweet little show about birds. He and I cannot believe it, even as I type this actually stands on the bench in order to see. He is in the back row. There is no one behind him.
He never saw her coming. Its probably best that way, anyway. He will be missed, that sweet child. Lets have a moment of silence for him.
[Bows head.]
Okay, moment up.
As soon as I see this boy and his illegal move, I crane my next to see if Sue Ellen has noticed too. Like I even had to wonder (ha ha, get it?). The Head Ride Nazi knows this is going to happen before the boy even
thinks about doing it. She spots the mischief maker and her eyes glow red. I thought that lasers were going to shoot out of them. In all her ruthlessness she comes sneaking up to the boy and does that loud-whisper thing that only Ride Nazis have perfected. The boy is several benches away and a whole row over but I can still clearly hear her. Sit DOWN! The people in the bleachers cannot see! The bleachers are several feet behind and I am having trouble believing that even guests on the bottom row cant see around him. I figured that she was making more visual distractions than he was. She was certainly getting my attention, more than the sweet little bird show. Speaking of which
there is a part of the show where the trainer dude brings out an eagle. (Sorry folks, this is a non-Sue Ellen-related incident.) The eagle is on the trainers arm. The trainer talks about how beautiful, stately, and endangered these birds are. They are such a majestic bird, he says. and they are something you really need to see. No sooner he says that, the eagle lifts up its tail and I kid you not projectile poops. That stringy white fecal matter goes flying out his rear end like a bullet out of a gun barrel. The trainer blushes and says, Well, we dont need to see THAT.
The rest of
Flights goes on without much fuss. Sue Ellen still prowls up and down the back, scanning the room for troublemakers and ensuring that all guests behave appropriately.
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Police were able to detain the park employee and the prisoners were released within the hour. Despite the swift response from authorities, there were two reports of casualties, and twenty or so injured. Guests were able to resume their park touring after the ordeal. The park employee is being held for questioning and is being charged with four counts of assault and two counts of manslaughter. A candlelight vigil and memorial will be held tomorrow evening for the deceased. In sports today
Coming Up: Part 2. What could be better than a plate of vegetarian lasagna?
this coming weekend, it occurred to me that your Patrick just had a birthday too. So... I wanted to wish him a belated 
. I hope yall had a fun time.
Love that Patrick is ready to carry on the family tradition 
And, goodbye again.
Hi Hucifer! 
Bye Hucifer! 
Wow, you missed your calling.
I saw this on a tv show the other day--one of those funniest video things as I was changing the channel. Holy cow, it WAS awe inspiring!
