Hubby vent-update page 13, post #189

[golfgal]

Nope, not 'passive aggressive'....
Since you say it is okay to post, and you continue to 'not see the issue' (like you just said above)
I will be more specific.
I am talking about a narcissitic/controlling/passive aggressive thing.
The 'passive aggressive' is the last on the list, and is just a manifestation of the first two.

I hate to say it, but there are many little comments I see here that truly do amount to what one would see with this person.
It truly does sound classic.

The fact that he sees only his needs and his 'security' and his need to maintain control. (not giving up his car for a moment)

The fact that he simply is not even aware of others needs... (Hey, you can just walk a million miles -THAT SAYS IT ALL. The kids can do without transportation) But, he obviously sees HIS needs and desires to always have his car, not take a bus or walk, etc...

Golfgal, I am with the others who say... If my husband even began to be so clueless and selfish as to suggest that I walk that far to work every day so he doesn't have to sit on a bus for a few minutes..., there would have to be a huge reckoning. That alone is a huge eye-opener.

Yes, a car and insurance is expensive, but that does not change the reality, that he seems to not want to be aware of, that his wife (YOU) need to get to work every day... That he has two/three teenaged/young adult children (YOUR KIDS) who will need transportation, more and more, over the next months and years...

It just goes on and on.

Look, I could be wrong...
And, I know the flames are coming.
But, I have learned a LOT about these things.
And, what I see here does seem very clear, and very classic.
Enough for me to at least post.

No, you pretty much nailed it--he is exactly that way. A lot of this we just roll our eyes and move on but we need his cooperation on this one.

What were ya'll doing BEFORE the twins got their license?

They got their license the day golf practice started. In previous years, I had more flexibility with jobs and they carpooled with other players. Well, now they are able to drive and there are only so many seats in cars for everyone that needs a ride to the course. They need to drive out there.

 

[smilie420]

I wonder how much attention this post would have gotten if a man threatened to hit his wife.....even in jest.

If my dh's answer was for ME to walk 4 miles too and from work, I'd crown him. Where does he get off with that? He's too good to take the bus, but it's okay for you to walk 8 extra miles a day? Nice. That would sooooo NOT go over at my house. I honestly don't think my husband would ever even suggest it. I hold out the hope that he's smarter than that. lol

 

[Mkrop]

What were ya'll doing BEFORE the twins got their license?

good point is this a want or a need?

I get that your job changed, but cant they still get in a carpool. Maybe your DH just thinks they can do carpools still and doesnt see the need yet like you do. Maybe he needs to work on getting them rides to see the need!

 

[Mkrop]

What were ya'll doing BEFORE the twins got their license?

I wonder how much attention this post would have gotten if a man threatened to hit his wife.....even in jest.

Take things literally too much...have you never heard of the literary device known as hyperbole!

 

[luvsJack]

They got their license the day golf practice started. In previous years, I had more flexibility with jobs and they carpooled with other players. Well, now they are able to drive and there are only so many seats in cars for everyone that needs a ride to the course. They need to drive out there.

Well, maybe he just doesn't really get why things can't continue the way they were.

I would just say to him "we have to do x, y and z tomorrow. I cannot walk to work. The twins have practice. Work it out". Let him figure it out.

 

[smilie420]

Take things literally too much...have you never heard of the literary device known as hyperbole!

Yes. Ever heard of reading a complete post? "even in jest"

 

[IdesOmarch]

Does this qualify as a "spouse bashing?" thread

But seriously he wants you to walk 8 miles to work everyday? That would be a major problem. That seems very odd to say the least.

 

[Mkrop]

Yes. Ever heard of reading a complete post? "even in jest"

Yep read the whole darn thing and think you are blowing things out of proportion or trying to stir the pot. Interesting thirs post by the way!

I dont care if the poster is male or female, I dont think anyone is really going to "crown" their spouse over a car issue, I read books and watch movies all the time where someone is going to "strangle" someone over something. I dont think the person is hanging out in the dark with rope. It is a literary device to give the impression of something "extreme" when in fact you most likely are not going that far.

I am sure there are days and moments when my DH wants to "crown" me too.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

My DH wouldn't argue about the car. We'd just get it, somehow, if we needed it.

But there's no way in heck he'd take a bus and a train every day! He hates them.

I'm sorry but I'm chuckling a little picturing you walking your four miles to work in the blustery wind, holding your coat and hat on, red, sore feet, teeth chattering, nose running. Not funny, but definitely absurd to think this is a realistic option.

 

[Hannathy]

go ahead and vent!

He is being unreasonable and selfish. sometimes I think part of the problem is we make it to easy for them. Because we( I know it isn't always the case but you always have to throw the DIS disclaimer in!) make it to easy for them as the kids are growing up. We get them to school, and after school activities. We set up the soccer car pools, rearrange the Dr appts, Deal with divvying up the car they often don't truly know the logistics and maneuvering that is done.

Men like solutions they don't like to talk something out. they see a problem and solve it. so I would list out the solutions to this problem and say this is the list of acceptable solutions and we are picking one, and the me walking would NOT be on the list!

I would include the costs with each one and I would make it clear that one of these would be being done so if he wants to be in on the choice now is the time.

One thing I would put in there is OK I am NOT walking but I will take a taxi for which ever part of my commute someone can't pick me up or I don't have the car/. Show him that a taxi will cost more than the bus.

Good Luck sometimes I'm sure it feels like you have 4 kids and the oldest is definitely acting like the biggest baby!

 

[Donaldswife]

go ahead and vent!

He is being unreasonable and selfish. sometimes I think part of the problem is we make it to easy for them. Because we( I know it isn't always the case but you always have to throw the DIS disclaimer in!) make it to easy for them as the kids are growing up. We get them to school, and after school activities. We set up the soccer car pools, rearrange the Dr appts, Deal with divvying up the car they often don't truly know the logistics and maneuvering that is done.

Men like solutions they don't like to talk something out. they see a problem and solve it. so I would list out the solutions to this problem and say this is the list of acceptable solutions and we are picking one, and the me walking would NOT be on the list!I would include the costs with each one and I would make it clear that one of these would be being done so if he wants to be in on the choice now is the time.

One thing I would put in there is OK I am NOT walking but I will take a taxi for which ever part of my commute someone can't pick me up or I don't have the car/. Show him that a taxi will cost more than the bus.
Good Luck sometimes I'm sure it feels like you have 4 kids and the oldest is definitely acting like the biggest baby!

I completely agree with the bolded above. Give him a list of acceptable solutions to you, ask him if he has any other suggestions, then pick one. If his suggestions are not acceptable then I would tell him so.

Most men really do not understand the logistics that goes into planning the daily family life, in most families Mom takes care of all of that and they are oblivious. I don't know why that is, but it seems to be the case for everyone I know. His having traveled a lot for work in the past probably makes him even more unaware. My DH is a consultant and I know he would have no clue what goes into the logistics of my and my DD9's week.

Good luck, and I hope the two of you can come to a solution tonight.

 

[NeverlandClub23]

How about a Vespa scooter or something like that for you or your DH to drive to/from work? Or is it a lot of traffic? Great on gas and you can get a new one cheaply (although not so much fun when it's raining but maybe you can work something else out on those days). I see both of your points, I was heavily involved in extracurricular activities when I was in high school but it was up to me to figure it out (either finding rides or having to wait for someone to be able to pick me up). Hope you come to the least painful solution!

 

[diznygirl]

OP - I think since he's being unreasonable AND stubborn, fighting fire with fire is your best bet. Taxi, rental car and quitting your job are the only solutions you have to offer. When faced with those choices it will be interesting to see what he does.

Please keep us posted!

 

[Trish Bessette]

I haven't read all the posts so sorry if this was brought up.

Does your twins have any money to buy a used car??

The comment your DH made about you walking to work was uncalled for but why should he give up his car just because the twins got their license?

When DD17 turned 16 we did get her a car but she works a part time job to keep that car on the road. I would never expect my DH or myself to sacrifice our cars just because our DD got her license.

 

[ols386]

His solution is for me to walk to work. Well, fine, that is 4 miles to work, spend 8 hours walking around on tile floors at work (working retail) and walk 4 miles home.

Well, you were planning to run a marathon later this year anyway, weren't you? It would be the perfect opportunity for you to walk back and forth to work to train for the marathon.


Seriously, I think it's silly for him to expect you to do that, especially like you said, it's 34 degrees now, and this summer I'm pretty sure it will probably be in the 80s and 90s. Who wants to jog 4 miles in 90-degree weather, and then get to work and not be able to clean-up/shower for work.

I don't see why he couldn't take the bus to work. There is nothing shameful about riding a bus, back and forth to work; and think of the cost you would save on fuel.

I think he is going to have to learn to be a bit more flexible.

 

[tlbwriter]

Why is *he* the one with veto power? He doesn't want to buy a car, and he doesn't want to share his. Tell him he can't have it both ways and tomorrow he is going to either ride the bus or you are going to go buy a car (assuming you can afford it), and he gets to decide which of those choices works better. When someone's going to act like a 5-yr old, you have to treat them like one.

 

[DaParkers]

I've gotten flamed for my views on a Man's role in a relationship, but I survived, so I'll opine on this. As a man, I can't imagine expecting my kids and wife to be inconvenienced because of my selfishness. I feel that if anyone has to be uncomfortable, then it should be me. Have my wife walk while I ride? Heck no! I'd walk, run, ride a bike or a bus if it meant she didn't have to. I would also rather my kids drive themselves instead of riding with other teens. It's about sacrifice. It isn't always fair, but that's just the way it is. Deal with it! Your wife and kids need to know that you would sacrifice your comfort for them. I've also noticed that when you display selflessness, people actually try to accommodate you more.

 

[golfgal]

good point is this a want or a need?

I get that your job changed, but cant they still get in a carpool. Maybe your DH just thinks they can do carpools still and doesnt see the need yet like you do. Maybe he needs to work on getting them rides to see the need!

Not really, they are part of driving for the carpool now. There are only so many kids on the team that can drive and only so many spots in those cars. There were spots for them as riders last year because the older kids drove then-not is it their turn to drive. We have been carpooling DD for golf for 4 years now, it is their turn to be the drivers (although they can only take one person now, it is still 3 spots for other kids that they don't take up). Only 6 girls on the golf team can drive, l, there are 28 girls on the golf team.

go ahead and vent!

He is being unreasonable and selfish. sometimes I think part of the problem is we make it to easy for them. Because we( I know it isn't always the case but you always have to throw the DIS disclaimer in!) make it to easy for them as the kids are growing up. We get them to school, and after school activities. We set up the soccer car pools, rearrange the Dr appts, Deal with divvying up the car they often don't truly know the logistics and maneuvering that is done.

Men like solutions they don't like to talk something out. they see a problem and solve it. so I would list out the solutions to this problem and say this is the list of acceptable solutions and we are picking one, and the me walking would NOT be on the list!

I would include the costs with each one and I would make it clear that one of these would be being done so if he wants to be in on the choice now is the time.

One thing I would put in there is OK I am NOT walking but I will take a taxi for which ever part of my commute someone can't pick me up or I don't have the car/. Show him that a taxi will cost more than the bus.

Good Luck sometimes I'm sure it feels like you have 4 kids and the oldest is definitely acting like the biggest baby!

I did give him a solution, he rides the bus and someone drives him to the bus stop and picks him up every day--seems pretty simple in MY mind, but obviously not his. You are right though, he has NEVER had to deal with organizing carpools, taking kids to the dentist, dr appointments, etc. When was home full time it wasn't an issue. He is still thinking back to the day when they lived 6 blocks from the school and he walked everywhere. The golf course is 10 miles away, not an option especially carrying a backpack, gym bag and a golf bag.

How about a Vespa scooter or something like that for you or your DH to drive to/from work? Or is it a lot of traffic? Great on gas and you can get a new one cheaply (although not so much fun when it's raining but maybe you can work something else out on those days). I see both of your points, I was heavily involved in extracurricular activities when I was in high school but it was up to me to figure it out (either finding rides or having to wait for someone to be able to pick me up). Hope you come to the least painful solution!

Those scooters run about $5000. We looked into one for DS18 to use when he was driving to and from school. For that price I would rather have a car. We are in MN and realistically the scooter is only good from April through October here and not good at all in the rain. If I lived in Arizona or somewhere I would be driving one for sure.

 

[C.Ann]

Yes, a car and insurance is expensive, but that does not change the reality, that he seems to not want to be aware of, that his wife (YOU) need to get to work every day... That he has two/three teenaged/young adult children (YOUR KIDS) who will need transportation, more and more, over the next months and years....

Either way, the car insurance is going to go up - just by the mere fact that these kids have driver's licenses now..

What were ya'll doing BEFORE the twins got their license?

That's when this discussion should have taken place.. DD worked (and went to school) and saved her own money to buy a car before she got her driver's license.. She knew that's the way it would be from day one..

Her DH (an only child) purchased his mom's old Dodge Rambler, paid for his insurance, and learned how to do all the upkeep and repairs himself.. (Wonderful lesson! A few years later he bought the "shell"' of the Camaro he always wanted and built it into a safe, reliable - and now "classic" car..) His parents were in a position where they "could" have purchased him a brand new car - and carried all the expenses that went with it - but they didn't.. They saw it as a moment to teach him what "adult" life is all about.. Needs vs. wants..

good point is this a want or a need?

Since these children aren't working, I would venture to say it's a "want" - not a need..

I don't see why either parent should have to give up their car.. But then again, I'm "old school" about that type of thing.. LOL..

Good luck..

 

[golfgal]

I've gotten flamed for my views on a Man's role in a relationship, but I survived, so I'll opine on this. As a man, I can't imagine expecting my kids and wife to be inconvenienced because of my selfishness. I feel that if anyone has to be uncomfortable, then it should be me. Have my wife walk while I ride? Heck no! I'd walk, run, ride a bike or a bus if it meant she didn't have to. I would also rather my kids drive themselves instead of riding with other teens. It's about sacrifice. It isn't always fair, but that's just the way it is. Deal with it! Your wife and kids need to know that you would sacrifice your comfort for them. I've also noticed that when you display selflessness, people actually try to accommodate you more.

Want to take my DH out for lunch some day (I'll pay)