How young is too young to get married?

[autumnpalm]

Recently, my DBF and I have started talking about marriage. At the moment we are both undergraduate students. He will finish up his degree this summer and I will likely not finish until 2013, possibly 2012. We both agree that we would like to finish college before getting married, mostly for practical reasons. As DBF is heading to law school in September, we should both be finishing up when I am 22/23 and he is 23/24.

My parents think getting married at the age of 22 is extremely young and while they won't forbid it, they would prefer I waited until I was older, more financially settled and had more life experience. From my perspective, I already know who I want to spend the rest of my life with and I suppose waiting a few extra years for a wedding wouldn't be the end of the world but it would not be my (or BFs) preference.

This has started to become a family issue because while my family loves BF, almost every time I bring up the future at all, they immediately jump in with their opinions. While I appreciate they only want what is best for me, the constant lectures about "young marriage" are a little bit frustrating!

I know my perspective is skewed by both age and emotion, so I'm opening this up to the DIS! How young do you think is too young to get married? What would you hope for your kids- or even yourself! Some objective opinions would be awesome!

 

[TimeforMe]

I agree with your parents. You don't know what life has in store for you in the next few years and while I can appreciate that you've found "the one", what's the hurry? My DD is 22 and nowhere near being ready for marriage. Everyone is different, I know, but I want her to enjoy not being tied down. She loves to travel and once you get married and have real jobs, it's just not as easy. JMO, of course.

 

[Ember]

I'm not sure anyone can really answer this question. Everyone will have examples of a couple who got married very young and stayed together for 50 years, or one the didn't make it 6 months... Statistically, those who get married under the age of 23 have a 70% chance of divorce, while those over 23 have a 30% chance. So statistically speaking, you have a better chance of staying together if you get married later.

I met my DH when I was 16 (he was 17), and we got married 10 years later when I was 26, having gotten engaged at 24. I know we both grew and changed a lot during our 20's, and I'm glad I waited. But as for your situation, only you know what's best for you. Best of luck no matter what you choose to do!

 

[Kewz1]

I met my DH when I was 18 and he was 20. We were married 2 years later. We celebrate our 20th anniversary June 16th.

Have we changed? Of course. But we did it together.

Kristen

 

[BCDisneyFanatic]

Recently, my DBF and I have started talking about marriage. At the moment we are both undergraduate students. He will finish up his degree this summer and I will likely not finish until 2013, possibly 2012. We both agree that we would like to finish college before getting married, mostly for practical reasons. As DBF is heading to law school in September, we should both be finishing up when I am 22/23 and he is 23/24.

My parents think getting married at the age of 22 is extremely young and while they won't forbid it, they would prefer I waited until I was older, more financially settled and had more life experience. From my perspective, I already know who I want to spend the rest of my life with and I suppose waiting a few extra years for a wedding wouldn't be the end of the world but it would not be my (or BFs) preference.

This has started to become a family issue because while my family loves BF, almost every time I bring up the future at all, they immediately jump in with their opinions. While I appreciate they only want what is best for me, the constant lectures about "young marriage" are a little bit frustrating!

I know my perspective is skewed by both age and emotion, so I'm opening this up to the DIS! How young do you think is too young to get married? What would you hope for your kids- or even yourself! Some objective opinions would be awesome!

I'm trying to do the math here, and I think that makes you 20 now? I have to admit that I'm a very different person than I was at that age, and did a lot of growing up between 20 and 25. Both you and DBF will likely change a lot in the next decade.

While I'm sure with a lot of work and love it is possible to make sure that you grow together and towards each other, the reality is that a lot of couples grow apart as they 'grow up'. I know that nobody wants to believe it will happen to them, but after watching it happen to many friends and family members it's easy to become a bit less optimistic about the odds.

Have you dated other people besides your DBF? I'm sure your family is just concerned about your happiness, and that you might eventually have regrets about making these life decisions so early.

That being said, I think waiting two more years is a realistic time frame. There is a big difference between a 20 year old in college and a 22-24 year old graduate. If you still both feel the way you do now at that point, I think that your family should respect your decision and support you.

 

[Becky2005]

I'm not sure anyone can really answer this question.

I agree with this statement. I was 22 when I got married, I didn't think it was too young then and I still don't think it is too young. We just celebrated our 19th anniversary. I'm not really sure where you would put us statistically though as we got married early May and my birthday is May 23 so about 2 weeks after we got married I turned 23. I'm not sure if that puts us in the 70% category or 30% category for divorce (planning on the 0% category)!!

 

[nskjerven]

I would think if family pressure are having an influence on your dession to marry or not you may be too young for it. When you are ready I think you know and it's not really up for discussion with anyone but the 2 of you.

The number 22 is irrevevant - how mature are you is the question.

 

[myhouseofmouse]

My wife and i married at 24 thirteen years ago, I agree with your thinking of at least get the schooling out of the way. After that really what is to hold you back? and why? I do understand the whole be free and not tied down thing...your in a serious relationship. You had the line: "I suppose waiting a few extra years for a wedding wouldn't be the end of the world but it would not be my (or BFs) preference." Do what's right for you and him, not anyone else. if it is part of the life you want, do it, if you don't it will still be there when your ready. That's my two cents!

 

[shannon006]

It looks like I am in the minority here. DH and I got married, drumroll please, at age 17 and 19. No, not because we "had" to. We got married because we were in love. Fast forward 23 1/2 years. We are still married, still happy, and still very much in love. We have 6 children. 4 biological sons, and 2 daughters we adopted from China. Our experience is probably not the norm. Our first married was absolutely bliss. We didn't fight, we shared all the household duties. We worked very hard, paying for college ourselves, and have always paid ourselves. I can't imagine my life any other way. Well, I would love to go to WDW more often. We usually make it every 2 years, and twice in the last 6 months. The 2nd was for our anniversary.

We have a son who is 21, just graduated college, and he will probably get married next year. Would I want my kids to get married as young as we did, probably not. DH and I were very mature for our ages, really we were. But it does depend on the person. Some people in their 40's aren't ready to settle down yet.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

I met my DH when I was 16 and he was 19. We always said that we wouldn't get married until we both finished college, had stable jobs and could afford to pay our own way.

We got engaged right after I finished college (I was 22, he was 25). We got married the next year at 23 and 26. We just celebrated our 22 anniversary earlier this month. After we got married, we decided we didn't want kids right away. We wanted to spend time as a married couple, buy a house and travel a little. We had our first child 7 years after we got married.

I think it really depends on the couple and what your goals are. There are no rules that apply to everyone.

 

[LisaNJ25]

Go with what the two of you think it right.I was 18 when I got married and DH was 23. We just celebrated out 17th wedding anniversary FRiday.

You and your boyfriend are already off to a great start. DH and I did not go to college.

 

[bigbabyblues]

I don't think there is a certain age you should reach (other than legal age, of course). DH & I got married when he was 21 and I was 20 (spring break of our last year of college--I have an Associate degree, DH a bachelors). We're still going strong 14 years later. Yes, we have both changed, but like the other poster said, we did it together.

Would it be right for everyone? No. We did what was right for us, and we don't regret it, nor would either of us change it.

ETA: None of our parents really had an issue with us getting married so young. The only thing that was said was by MIL--they would help with wedding expenses but they would not financially support us after we got married. If we were going to get married, we were going to be on our own. That was fine with us, we were both working full time and have never asked them for anything.

 

[Magpie]

I don't think anyone can make this decision for you. You have to decide for yourself.

If it's any help, I met my husband when I was 19. I moved in with him when I was 21, and we lived as a common-law couple. We got married when I was 23. It has never occurred to me at any point that I was "too young". I'm 39 now, and our marriage is stronger than ever. He's my best friend, and he adores me, just as much as I adore him.

But what was right for us, wouldn't necessarily be right for another couple. Also, I wonder if your parents are perhaps having a hard time seeing you as "all grown up"?

 

[WDWAurora]

DH and I got married 4 days after my 23rd birthday, between my first and second years of graduate school. My dad tried to convince us to wait the remaining 2 years until I was totally out of graduate school. We had dated for over 4 years, and were just ready to be together and live together, etc. (Religiously, we didn't believe in living together before we got married).

We've been married 4.5 years now, and have been through a lot together. All of our struggles have only brought us closer, and we are just as happily married now as we were at 23.

Only you can know if you're ready. I think one way to think about it is to figure out where your focus is-are you focused on the wedding, or on being married? When you can honestly say you're more focused on being married, that can be an indicator. By the time we got engaged, I didn't care about the wedding. I let other people make most of the decisions, because I knew that I got what I wanted at the end of it: to spend every day with my husband. I don't regret that at all because the wedding was one day, and the marriage is the rest of my life, and 4.5 years compared to one day so far.

Sorry, rambling today.

 

[Ember]

I thought it was interesting so wanted to add that the average age for first marriages is rising steadily for both brides and grooms. In 2000, first-time brides were 31.7 years old, while grooms proclaimed their first marriage vows at an average age of 34.3.

Only two decades earlier, women and men were 25.9 and 28.5 years old, respectively, when they got married. (This is from Statistics Canada, though they're pretty close to US stats.)

The only implication I think this has, is that you're going to be going through things, and dealing with issues your friends might not have a clue about. As you can see from the PP who married young, they're perfectly happy many years later and don't regret their choice at all. But this isn't always how it works out, and I think it's important to remember that, too. It's easy to see the answer you want in cases like this.

 

[abdmom]

I met my dh when I was 18. We dated steadily for 10 years and got married when we were almost 29. Actually, today would be my 18th anniversary, but dh died 4 years ago.

We waited until we were 32 to have our first child. Second came 3 years later and third came 7 years after that. I can safely say that we waited too long. Having children is for the young. I really wish that we could go back and get married and have children sooner.

 

[clgwli]

I really don't understand why people have to put their ideas of proper age to get married on other people.

What is too young for some is not for others. There is no right or wrong answer. But anyone who says a blanket statement of "Oh you are X age you should wait to get married" (when a legal adult) really should think before they speak.

I've seen people get married at 19 and it wasn't too young for them. I have also seen people in their mid 20s get married and they were too immature.

So there is not a one size fits all answer.

I say get married when you know you are ready, not when others try to tell you.

 

[Ember]

I met my dh when I was 18. We dated steadily for 10 years and got married when we were almost 29. Actually, today would be my 18th anniversary, but dh died 4 years ago.

We waited until we were 32 to have our first child. Second came 3 years later and third came 7 years after that. I can safely say that we waited too long. Having children is for the young. I really wish that we could go back and get married and have children sooner.

I'm so sorry for your loss. There is never enough time when you love someone. I hope your anniversary brings memories that can make you smile and that the day isn't too hard on your heart.

 

[scojos]

I met my dh when I was 18. We dated steadily for 10 years and got married when we were almost 29. Actually, today would be my 18th anniversary, but dh died 4 years ago.

We waited until we were 32 to have our first child. Second came 3 years later and third came 7 years after that. I can safely say that we waited too long. Having children is for the young. I really wish that we could go back and get married and have children sooner.

im so sorry for your loss
we met when i was 19, i was smack bang in the middle of my first degree, we planned to marry when we were 24, but had to get married a few months earlier as i was pregnant (parents wanted us to keep the original date and get married with the baby there, i insisted we were married before he arrived)
we have gone on to have 2 more kids, moved from one country to another, i have completed a 2nd degree and retrained as a teacher.
we have had very tough moments, but anything is doable if you want it badly enough.
in todays disposable society people throw thinsg away that dont work, and yes that makes me sound old at 37!!
either its worth fighting for, or you walk away...thats what my nan said to me, and she was right
goodluck with whatever you decide
tracy

 

[autumnpalm]

Oh wow, thank you for all the responses! I really do appreciate every one of them.

Like WDWAurora, we don't believe in living with each other before marriage and if I am to be completely honest, I do believe that is part of the pull. I would never marry someone only for that reason, however!

Both of my parents were older when they were married (over 30) and I do think they see me sometimes as my gangly, preteen self with braces and hair in pigtails. I do agree with them that I want to finish school, but the reason I am questioning marrying after graduation isn't because I am sure, but because their approval and blessing really do mean a lot to me! I would not want to go against their wishes and risk their developing negative feelings toward myself or BF because of it.

I hope I'm making sense! I feel like I can't quite articulate exactly what I mean but I think I'm somewhere in the ballpark.