How would you react...Pregnant BM - update post #37

[MickeyAnne]

Hello all -
I just got the news that my cousin who is one of my bridesmaids is pregnant and due a month after my wedding. She is in her mid/late thirties and this is a now or never type thing for her. I am happy for her, I am, but I am just really not happy for me. I know its selfish, but the prospect of having an eight month pregant person in my wedding is not on the top of my list of happy things.
For one, I have no idea how they will alter the dress I picked to make it fit her very pregant bady. Its two pieces.
Another (very vain) thing is that I am concerned with how the pics will turn out with everyone normal shaped and her fully baby bumped (and with her last pregnancy, she was soooo big).
And last - we are wearing yellow!!!! Not flattering for a preggers person.
She told my mom that if I want her to step out of the wedding she will but how do I ask that of her. I want her in my wedding - and my reasons for concern are selfish and not personal towards her. I am not that type of person to be so cruel. I am just having trouble being happy about this - I can't wait for a new baby, but the timing is just not my favorite...
Any advice (no flames please) would be nice....

 

[sandybobandy]

Are you concerned the spotlight will be on her and her baby bump rather than you? (not flaming, just trying to get to the bottom of the issues)

In the entire scheme of things with the wedding, is this something that will cause your day to be tainted? As you walk down the aisle, I'm pretty sure you won't be thinking about her being pregnant. When you are dancing your first dance, I doubt you'll be thinking about how she looks in yellow being pregnant.

I guess you're the only one who can ultimately decide if this is worth upsetting yourself over.

Good luck with whatever decision you make!

ETA: You asked how we would react. If it were me, I'd be thrilled for my cousin but would be concerned that at 8 months pregnant, being on her feet for so long during pictures and the ceremony and reception would be too much for her. I would try to keep her best interest near the front of my mind.

 

[caryndisneydiva]

this is a toughie...you're right, yellow will not flatter a very pregnant body very well...personally, i think it's beautiful that you'll (possibly) have a preggers bm...but how comfortable will she be with all the standing, work etc? i'm not sure when your wedding is, but if it is in the summer, i would bet that at that point in her pregnancy, she would be uncomfortable. i have to say, if i was in your shoes, i would be very happy for the gift that she is about to be given. i would let it go and leave the choice up to her, but maybe offer her a seat in the front row, to make her more comfortable during the ceremony, this would alleviate your picture problem, at least for some of them. life goes on, and this is life right in front of you. how special would it be for you to look at that child in 20 years and show him/her how mommy was preganant with them in your wedding?

 

[Mermaid_Ariel]

Nevermind.

 

[MickeyAnne]

I knew I would come off as vain and selfish - I know that it is vain and selfish of me to even be worried about it. There was no way for me to word it so that people wouldn't see me in a negative light. But quite honestly, I am not that person that I painted myself to be - If I was, I would have asked my cousin not to get pregnant when she told me that she was trying a few months back. If I was that person, I would have called her and told I no longer want her in my party. As I said, I would never ask her to leave my wedding party because it IS about more then that. I am just looking for suggestions on ways to handle the situation. The dress is an actual problem - not just me being selfish. Pictures are a BIG deal for me - I am an aspiring photographer. Things looking uniform etc is something that I like - I am a cheerleading coach. I am not unfeeling and cruel.

But you know, we all have this picture in our heads of how our wedding will look - how the pictures will turn out - how everything will be. Today my mental picture had to change and for me thats hard. Change and me are not great pals and its something I struggled with since childhood. So no, its not about the spotlight being on her and not me - I don't need nor do I really like being in the spotlight in the first place. And no I don't think that I will be thinking about the way she looks when I am dancing with my new hubby that day. I can't pin point whats got me worried.

 

[sandybobandy]

Well that makes sense. I never got the impression you were being selfish, but of course posting something like this on a public message board you can expect someone to not agree

It's not like she'll be in every one of your pictures. Besides, as an aspiring photographer, perhaps you'll find a way to be creative with placing her in the picture where her belly won't bother you so much.

 

[hiwaygal]

I can understand how you feel about changes...and I think that maybe after you've had a couple of days to think about it, you won't see it as such a big deal.

I agree with the others about asking her and making sure that there can be some accommodations made for her if standing is going to be an issue. In all honesty, while I know your wedding day is YOUR day, she is going to be coming up on what could possibly be the happiest day of her life as well. To "ostracize" her (and I know that's not what you are really doing) could put a cloud over her happiness, and yours too (indirectly).

With the dress, I think you should go and talk to a seamstress or someone who can maybe offer some suggestions in alterations or for different dresses that would flatter her and still be something you like.

Other than that, maybe just get her a REALLY BIG bouquet to help hide her pregnant belly in your pics! Okay, that was kind of a joke, but it seems to me that a good photographer should be able to put her in a flattering light that doesn't "interfere" with your photos.

 

[JRLINK3]

Would you be having the same feelings if your bridesmaid was overweight? Would that ruin your pictures too? Pregnancy is beautiful and I think that it needs to be celebrated not hid. Sorry! Either which way the end is the same...you'll be married and she'll have the baby. Now either you can have cherished memories of her being there or memories of the hard feelings that you caused by asking her to sit it out. Dresses can be altered and mended or a stretchy belly front can be inserted. I think that it's horrible that you would even think about not including her after you already asked her!

 

[MickeyAnne]

Would you be having the same feelings if your bridesmaid was overweight? Would that ruin your pictures too? Pregnancy is beautiful and I think that it needs to be celebrated not hid. Sorry! Either which way the end is the same...you'll be married and she'll have the baby. Now either you can have cherished memories of her being there or memories of the hard feelings that you caused by asking her to sit it out. Dresses can be altered and mended or a stretchy belly front can be inserted. I think that it's horrible that you would even think about not including her after you already asked her!

I have said a few times that I an NOT thinking about asking her to sit out of my wedding - she said she would if I wanted her to and I do not want that. My problem is in the change in the situation not in the situation itself. If she was pregnant when I asked her then this wouldn't be a discussion because I would have come to grips with it and planned for it. I would have picked out completely different BM dresses so she would look like the rest of them and feel comfortable. I would have been able to make better choices. Because this was sprung on me 6.5 months from the wedding (everything has been ordered and settled on), and I wasn't fully expecting it, its throwing me off. Unless she wants to sit my wedding out, she will be in it. I am not good with change and this is a change for me.

 

[MickeyAnne]

Maybe a pic of the BM dress would help you all to understand my dilemma.
This is the top and bottom and they will be in pale yellow with a white sash where the bowe is. I LOVE the idea of the bm's looking the same but I do not know how they can alter this dress. My feeling is that the pick ups will not flatter a pregnant body. I will have to just deal with her dress having to be different but that will take some time for me...

 

[Swmhc]

I am sure if you went to the store where you ordered the dresses and explained your dilema, they would know just what to do with regards to her gown. I am sure they have this happen frequently. Afterall, we all start planning far in advance and pregnancies do happen. I bet they have something that will coordinate just fine.

My aunt was pregnant during my parent's wedding and she refused to be in any photos. To this day, 45 years later, this upsets my mother. My aunt passed away over 20 years ago from cancer, and my mother doesn't have those photos to remember her, just the "space" where she should have been in the family photos. Find a way to come to grips with it for your sake and for that of your cousin. If you are less than thrilled, she will sense that and feel unwanted.

My biggest concern would be, if she is traveling much of a distance, her doctors may not allow her to travel that far into a pregnancy...whether it is flying or driving.

HTH

 

[sunsh1ne]

Maybe a pic of the BM dress would help you all to understand my dilemma.
This is the top and bottom and they will be in pale yellow with a white sash where the bowe is. I LOVE the idea of the bm's looking the same but I do not know how they can alter this dress. My feeling is that the pick ups will not flatter a pregnant body. I will have to just deal with her dress having to be different but that will take some time for me...

i think that the dress bottom will be fine. and also the top may be unconfortable. i agree i wanted all my bm to look the same. but if she onlyhas a diffrent top maybe that will help. good luck i am sure everything will work out.
keep smiling!

 

[dmslush]

Could a seamstess not just move the white sash/bow up to give an empire waist illusion? That would be more flattering to her pregnant belly and the also keep her in the same dress?

Change is hard, and I understand that.. but you also need to look at this situation this way: You will want to treat her with as much respect and caring as you will want to be treated when you are pregnant. You would not want anyone to give the impression that your pregnancy 'ruined' their wedding. And trust me, in 20 years, you are not going to care that she was pregnant in the photographs, you are only going to care that your friend was there with you.

 

[Kristen14]

I dont think you're selfish at all. In fact, I know exactly where you're coming from. My MOH is due 7 days before my wedding... she told me a week after we picked our date! There was no way I'd let her sit out, so I picked my dresses knowing that she'd be pretty big. My only worry is that she'll have to have a c-section and wont be able to come!

I can understand that you're frustrated, but I agree with Swmhc... the gown place has probably had this dilema before. If not, call a seamstress and ask how to alter the dress to fit her. Nobody will be looking at her... all eyes will be on you, so just make your BM as comfy as she can be. Good luck!

 

[WDWAurora]

Honestly, I've been there. But-I was honestly happy about it from the start. I was excited about having a new neice or nephew, although she was afraid I would have your reaction. She lost the baby. Trust me, what you're feeling doesn't comar. It was terrible. I would give anything to have had her in a different dress, or whatever, to save her and her husband, and their older son, from that sorrow.

As someone trying desperately to conceive right now, I don't see any way to take your post but selfish. I am not trying to flame you at all, I promise. Please just consider the many, many sides to this. A good seamstress can fix the dress, but it may not be 100% the same. Honestly, no one will notice, or care.

I don't see how yellow is bad for the pregnant person, either, but that's just me.

I'll end it with a recent story. I went to a wedding in Sept. with a pregnant bridesmaid. She looked beautiful, and all the happiness just fit, if that makes sense. I can't imagine it any other way.

 

[MickeyAnne]

Well, I am going to the bridal store tomorrow to ask the seamstress there what we can do with this dress. If they can't salvage it then we will have to order some of the fabric so that we can have someone make her a dress in the same color. This is what she and I decided on when I spoke with her before to congratulate her. She asked several times if I was okay with all of this and each time I said yes its fine but we need to deal with the dress situation ASAP. I asked her if she felt comfortable with how much she would be doing that day and so late in her pregnancy - she said she was getting flip flops which is what I want everyone to wear any way. It will be fine - but I am not going to lie about the fact that its hard for me to accept. I just wish I could have known earlier so I could have picked an empire waist dress for everyone so that she would look like a part of the group - which in the end, is what really matters to me. Not only because I like the look of uniformity but because I don't want HER to feel that she stands out.

 

[alauniira]

I understand how you feel. TWO of my BMs are now pregnant and both are due right before the wedding and now can't come to Disney at all. So I am down from 5 to 3. And they are both my best friends so I am happy, but also so disappointed that they won't be there. Sometimes I feel selfish too, but I guess thats normal.

 

[MickeyAnne]

Honestly, I've been there. But-I was honestly happy about it from the start. I was excited about having a new neice or nephew, although she was afraid I would have your reaction. She lost the baby. Trust me, what you're feeling doesn't comar. It was terrible. I would give anything to have had her in a different dress, or whatever, to save her and her husband, and their older son, from that sorrow.

As someone trying desperately to conceive right now, I don't see any way to take your post but selfish. I am not trying to flame you at all, I promise. Please just consider the many, many sides to this. A good seamstress can fix the dress, but it may not be 100% the same. Honestly, no one will notice, or care.

I don't see how yellow is bad for the pregnant person, either, but that's just me.

I'll end it with a recent story. I went to a wedding in Sept. with a pregnant bridesmaid. She looked beautiful, and all the happiness just fit, if that makes sense. I can't imagine it any other way.

I have thought about that several times today. God forbid something happens to this baby - I would feel terrible and none of this would matter. I want nothing but the best for her and I am so happy that she finally decided to give her son a sibling. But I feel like I have a Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde in me. The smart and sensable side that tells me I should simply be happy for my cousin and I should just roll with this - and the emotional side of me that is just focusing on how this effects my wedding day. I am at war with my own feelings and I don't like myself when I panick about such pointless things - but I suppose we all have two sides.

 

[dakcp2001]

Wouldnt it be nice to have those pics of your wedding day with her in them? Im sort of shocked at what you said, you know how it sounds. I mean you admitted that it was vain in your post. Are all your bridesmaids the same exact size? Im not getting the whole thing of the pics not being uniform? The way you stated it does sound shallow to me,you are more concerned about how the pics are going to look rather than having your cousin be a part of your special day. Your wedding day is special because of those you celebrate it with. I am sure you are not that mean of a person, I think you are just panicking, once it sinks in you will see things in a different light.

The person before that suggested having the dress be more of an empire waist, I completely agree, that would look cute on someone with a baby bump. The dress can definately be altered to fit her, and she wont look BAD, she will look pregnant. Maybe if its that unflattering, she could choose another dress made of the same material and color? Now, please dont be offended, but most bridesmaids dresses are unflattering on most figures anyway. No one style of dress will look good on everyone, nor will every color.

I think you should directly ask her if she wants to be in the wedding still.You might be getting all upset when in fact she might be hoping you give her an out. Being 8 months pregnant, would she be able to stand up for the whole ceremony? Ive never had a baby so I am clueless, but I imagine she would be more comfortable sitting down in a comfy dress with comfy shoes on. She might want to sit this one out.

 

[MickeyAnne]

My bridesmaids run the gamet from itty bitty teenage bodies to mature post baby bodies - no they are not all the same, and no that does not bother me. I was able to pick a dress that did flatter them all though. I brought them each one on one to make sure they liked and felt comfortable in the dress before I made the final decision because I didn't want them to feel pressured by the others as we females often do. I took real care in making sure they looked and felt pretty in the dress we decided on. Quite honestly, I am not even a big fan of the dress we decided on - what I did like was that they were all the same and looked nice. Now one will stand out as a different dress. Eventually, it won't bother me.