How would you politely decline wedding invitation ?

[pandora174]

Here's the scenario. Through the wonders of faceboook I have reconnected with a lot of people from high school. Specifically my former best friend from middle school through about age 20. We then drifted apart as life took us each in different directions.

Fast forward 20 years & we chat on Facebook regularly. My friend is getting re-married. I was her maid of honor at her first wedding when I was 18. Well she invited me & my family to her 2nd wedding.

Here's is the issue. My friend started a very successful business, so she is very wealthy now & is having a lavish wedding. It's a 3 day event in Key West. Also the wedding is during my DS birthday weekend. There is no way in heck we can afford 3 days at the resort where the wedding is at. I looked online & the rooms (at a cheaper hotel next to the wedding venue) start at $249 a night & that's getting a good deal !

Initially I did not want to go into the financial aspect & just told her it was DS b-day weekend & though we were honored at the invitation we could not attend, but she has kept pushing. Giving examples of things I can do for DS such as glass bottom boat rides, hot air balloon rides, guided tours that DS would love & the hotel has nanny service so we can attend the wedding festivities

Again no way we can afford any of this & regardless it's DS's b-day & I couldn't leave him with a stranger/nanny & we probably will go to Disney or have a party somewhere kid friendly. Last night she sent me a message via Facebook asking for my mailing address to send a wedding invitation.

I haven't responded yet because I get the feeling that if I say "look this is way beyond any budget in my world" she may suggest she will pay. I don't want to hurt her feelings but even if she did pay, which I do not want her too & DH would not like the idea. Just the other costs involved, clothing, incidentals would cost more than my DS b-day party. She runs in very high circles. She doesn't have any kids so she doesn't seem to understand my reality & her reality are worlds apart. I'm planning on sending her a nice gift (within my budget). How would you get this message through ? I like her & we have a lot of history & want to continue the friendship. I am just getting frustrated as I've explained over & over about my DS b-day & she just thinks a 7 year old would have tons of fun with a nanny doing all these neat things ?

 

[kaytieeldr]

Initially I did not want to go into the financial aspect & just told her it was DS b-day weekend & though we were honored at the invitation we could not attend, but she has kept pushing.

Unbelievable. Sure, she's excited about this wedding, but she's gone overboard by pushing. Your response: "Thank you for asking (inviting us), but we can't." That's IT. No excuses. No, "I wish we could." Nothing. ANY excuse or explanation gives the other person something to 'argue' against - not argue, exactly, but every time you give a reason, they will have an alternative.

Again, repeat after me: "Thank you for inviting us, but we can't". Eight simple words. If you don't want to sound like a broken record, throw in the occasional abbreviated, "We just can't.". Ideally, though, she'll stop pushing.

 

[DWGal210]

I'm sorry you're in this position, OP. Here is what I would say (or email, whichever you prefer):

Suzy,

Thank you for inviting us to your wedding. I am touched that you invited us to help celebrate your special day. I'm glad we've reconnected after all these years!

However, as you know, that weekend is DS's birthday. We have family plans to celebrate the day, which he's excited about. In addition, with the economy the way it is, we are unable to travel at this time.

I will be thinking of you on your special day! Please keep an eye out for a gift coming your way from our family to yours. I look forward to seeing you at another time!

Regards,
Your Friend

Kinda hokey, I know, but I would be short, sweet and firm.

Good luck!

 

[onelilspark]

Give her your address, have her send the invitation. When the inviation comes, mark that you can't attend on the RSVP and send it back.

 

[MarkBarbieri]

Just level with her. She's your friend. If you can tell a bunch of strangers here, why can't you tell her?

 

[snykymom]

I have to agree with katie. "I'm so sorry but we can't attend." Nothing about DS's birthday weekend, nothing about family plans, nothing at all. "Thank you, but it's not possible." "I wish you lots of luck and love, but we can't be there."

Repeat as necessary.

 

[DebIreland]

Giving examples of things I can do for DS such as glass bottom boat rides, hot air balloon rides, guided tours that DS would love & the hotel has nanny service so we can attend the wedding festivities :

Sorry for laughing but she does sound a bit Veruca Salt-ish (from Willy Wonka ).

I know it's a tough situation but just be assertive and polite all at the same time. Send her an email but don't say "I don't think we can go" or "We probably can't go". Be very clear and say "We cannot attend." Let her know that you would have liked it but it's just not possible. Leave no wiggle room. Maybe invite her to visit you and offer to take her out for a meal somewhere nice, just the 2 of you, to catch up. Then she'll know you do value the friendship.

And say "PS: If I win a Golden Ticket I might revise my plans".

 

[MomNeedsVacay]

I disagree with some of the pp's... I think that because of the history and friendship that you and this woman used to share, you should say something more than "I can't go".

I'd throw an email her way saying, " Look, I am truly happy for you and wish I could be with you on such an important occasion. Unfortunately, there is no way we can do this right now....something like this isn't in our budget right now. I wish you all the best for a long and happy marriage! Cheers!"

 

[pandora174]

Just level with her. She's your friend. If you can tell a bunch of strangers here, why can't you tell her?

Because if I tell her she'll probably just want to pay for everything. I know my original post was lengthy. Sorry I tend to ramble but my last paragraph went into that.

Thanks for the suggestions everyone. I think I will keep it short & sweet & keep saying it over & over again. I think the more I have been trying to explain the more options she was trying to give me.

What's even funnier, we are trying to get together for lunch. But she runs a business so is very busy. So she asked me to pick the place & she'll make the time. I suggested PF Chang which to me is upscale & she said "oh it's like a chinese Chili's, I'd love to try that". She really has a good heart & wasn't being condescending just 2 different worlds. Same thing when she wanted to meet my DS for the first time & I told her I live in Homestead ( you have to know So. FL to get this) & she lives in Brickell (penthouse / ocean view) & said I've never been there (she thought I lived in the woods or a farm) I had to explain, no there are actually homes down here.

 

[DisneyBlonde]

Having a previous commitment is a typical reason to decline an invitation...and in this case, you actually have one. It's your son's birthday, and you already have plans for a celebration for him.

 

[pandora174]

Sorry for laughing but she does sound a bit Veruca Salt-ish (from Willy Wonka ).

I know it's a tough situation but just be assertive and polite all at the same time. Send her an email but don't say "I don't think we can go" or "We probably can't go". Be very clear and say "We cannot attend." Let her know that you would have liked it but it's just not possible. Leave no wiggle room. Maybe invite her to visit you and offer to take her out for a meal somewhere nice, just the 2 of you, to catch up. Then she'll know you do value the friendship.

And say "PS: If I win a Golden Ticket I might revise my plans".

That made me laugh so much ! Yes exactly, it's like another world. I send her pix of Chuckee Cheese trips & she sends me pix of dinner with actual celebrities !!

 

[Keli]

Because of your past friendship and your desire to keep it in the future I would just level with her. I'd tell you cannot afford it and that you will be celebrating your ds' bday in a much less extravigant way than she has suggested.
If she offers to pay then firmly refuse and let her know that you and your dh are not willing to accept such a gift.
It's hard to be upfront with folks sometimes but when it's a friend then I think that's the best course of action.

 

[JerseyMamaBear]

like others have said, its your sons b-day weekend and you cant go. then maybe suggest dinner out somewhere after the wedding.

 

[daisy2jae]

Give her your address, have her send the invitation. When the inviation comes, mark that you can't attend on the RSVP and send it back.

I would do this and send the gift at the same time. I'm sure if she's a friend she'll understand. She probably just wants to have all her friends and family there but has forgot others are not in the same place she is. I would be in the same spot and have to turn it down. If we could afford to go we would but the way things are with the economy we just can't make any big trips. You don't have to give her an excuse but just let her send the invite and rsvp back.

 

[Scurvy]

Having a previous commitment is a typical reason to decline an invitation...and in this case, you actually have one. It's your son's birthday, and you already have plans for a celebration for him.

I agree. If you have invited anyone to celebrate with you for your son's birthday you can also fall back on that - at this point it would be rude to cancel your son's celebration when you have already invited people, even if those people are just your family. But as others have said, you don't really have to give any explanation beyond "That won't be possible."

Regardless, she's being extremely rude by continuing to push the issue!

 

[bumbershoot]

Give her your address, have her send the invitation. When the inviation comes, mark that you can't attend on the RSVP and send it back.

This.


Though honestly, I think I'd go to this wedding if at all possible, sounds like fun!

 

[bubie2.5]

Let her send you the invite and tell her the truth, she'll understand.

 

[C.Ann]

You have already given her the reasons that you will not be able to attend.. Why is it that some people don't understand that "no" means "no"?

She would have already pushed me to the limit by now, so I would just send her the address and decline on the invitation.. If you absolutely feel like you need to explain yourself again, I would enclose a very, very short note:

"As I previously mentioned, we are unable to attend due to family commitments.. I wish you and your husband all the best.."

End of story..

 

[Disney Doll]

I'd probably be a little gentler and say "I really appreciate the invite but we have plans that weekend for my son's birthday which includes a family celebration, so we will not be able to attend. We'd disappoint too many family members here at home. I wish you and your new husband all the best and can't wait to see your wedding photos online."

Then send her a gift and be done with this. If she gets mad at you....well, youl lived without her for 20 years, you'll live without her again...

 

[princess momma]

Give her your address, have her send the invitation. When the inviation comes, mark that you can't attend on the RSVP and send it back.

Exactly. It would be rude to not allow her to send an invitation but it's perfectly acceptable to decline.

I sent wedding invitations to people I was fairly certain would not be able to attend, just to leave the decision up to them.