How would you handle this?

[kdibattista]

Sorry in advance for the length.

DH and I have found ourselves in a difficult situation and we are not sure how to handle it. We are very close friends with another couple who have 2 children (6yo boy, 2 1/2 yo girl). DH is the little girl's godfather and we absolutely adore her. The problem is the 6 yo boy. Our friend's have absolutely no discipline for either of their children and it has gotten completely out of hand. I know it is none of our business and we have stayed out of it until recently but it is starting to directly affect us. We were over for dinner the other evening and he actually hit my husband, very hard, across the back for no reason. All the parents did was "say your sorry". We go over their house (and they come to ours) quite frequently for dinners & gatherings but it has become unbearable. We used to go on vacation with them but will not any longer because it is awful being around the 6 yo.

We are really struggling with how to handle this. It's also hard because we see that the daughter is starting to imitate her brother's behavior and will not be so sweet for much longer.

One one hand it's none of our business but what do we do when it directly affects us? I don't want to lose them as friends.

What would you do?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Originally posted by kdibattista
I don't want to lose them as friends.

What would you do?

After that statement you are done. You have to risk the relationship to do something. Ask yourself if it is worth the risk?

 

[Beth76]

I think it becomes your business when he starts hitting your husband. I think you have every right to say something like "I don't like it when you hit me" or "please don't do that, it hurts me". If the parents have a problem with you saying that, then it's time to find new friends.

 

[Maleficent13]

There isn't much you can do. My SO and I are in a similar situation, except it's his brother's kid. He's also six and a holy terror who gets his way about everything. He's not a bad kid, just spoiled and loud and obnoxious. The only way we've managed to deal with it is to limit our time with them. We go to functions but only stay a little while. I very rarely ever leave there without a headache. Unfortunately, we are the only ones who feel that way; his parents and grandparents think he is perfect.

I guess my advice would be continue to see them, but set limits beforehand as to what you are going to put up with and when you pass that point, leave politely.

 

[SC Minnie]

We go over their house (and they come to ours) quite frequently for dinners & gatherings but it has become unbearable.

Why subject yourself to this?

I assume that you don't have children but if/when you do is this the kind of behavior you want them around? If it were me I would not plan anymore dinners with this family. When they ask what is up tell them the truth. You might lose them as a friend but maybe it will open their eyes and they will help these children.

 

[bubba's mom]

I agree with the above poster....besides, what kid of friend allows their child to act like that?? AND, hit an adult??

 

[chyam]

If you can't explain it to them face to face then sit down and send them an email..........you say you don't want to risk losing them as friends but can you afford to let their children rub off on yours? As the children get older it will probably get worse. If you can't tell them then why don't you suggest that each of you get babysitters and go out as adults for an occasional dinner? But IMO I don't like to be around children who act like that and I wouldn't want my children to be either, since the child hit your husband like that he is probably doing it to other kids also.

 

[goofy4tink]

You must know the same people we know. This sort of thing has happened to me in the past. When 'something physical' happens, I stop what I'm doing, bend down to the child's level and say.."You know, that is NOT acceptable for you to do to me. Please don't do it again. I would hate to have to stop coming for visits, but that's what will happen if you keep hitting me!" Polite, non-confrontational but it got my point across. Last week, a friend of my dd's stomped on my foot..yes, on purpose! I looked at him, told him if he was going to stomp on people's feet in the future, maybe he should check out the size of their feet first, and then stomped on his! CHildish? Maybe, but I have known this boy for years now and that is probably why he stomped on me to begin with...too much familiarity. The parents of the little boy that hit me didn't seem to have a problem with my little 'speech', in fact they almost seemed to be relieved. I think that a lot of younger parents are afraid to discipline their kids and make them unhappy/mad.

 

[CEDmom]

Originally posted by Beth76
I think it becomes your business when he starts hitting your husband. I think you have every right to say something like "I don't like it when you hit me" or "please don't do that, it hurts me". If the parents have a problem with you saying that, then it's time to find new friends.

This is really good advice. I might take it a step further and say "you wouldn't like it if I hit you would you?". Then explain that you would never hit him because you're an adult and know not to hit people but that other children might not be so understanding.

 

[eeyore kelly]

I might take it a step further and say "you wouldn't like it if I hit you would you?". Then explain that you would never hit him because you're an adult and know not to hit people but that other children might not be so understanding.

ITA!!! I would say something like don't hit me, because I don't hit you. It hurts, and you wouldn't like it if someone did that to you.

 

[kdibattista]

Thanks everyone....

We do not have children yet so there is no issue there. We have somewhat limited our time with them but it's hard because DH is the daughter's godfather and we really enjoy seeing her and the parents.

I also should mention that we have, on occassion, taken the kids for the weekend when our friends go away or taken the kids to get ice cream without the parents and they are well behaved.... it's only when he is around the parents that his behavior is completely out of control.

It's just so hard.

Thanks again.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Hate to say it but it might be a Lose Lose situation. Many parents are very defensive when it comes to their children. Your saying something will probably be taken as a criticism/judgement (especially if you don't have kids) and then it will be uncomfortable being around them. Because even if you do say something they can't change this kids behavior overnight and now they know how you really feel about their child. (Though I agree with the posters who say you should definately correct the child if his inapproprite behavior is directly affecting you).

I know people with kids like this and unfortunately have just limited the time I spend with them. My kids aren't perfect either and I don't want to get into any tit-for-tats with anyone. So if it works and feels good, we spend time with them. If it doesn't we don't. Life's too short. I suspect there are probably others in these people's lives who don't like being around their child either. The writing will be on the wall for them (if they choose to see it).

 

[WDSearcher]

If you invite them over to your house, it needs to be made clear to the kids AND the parents that it's your house, your rules. If the child hits, punches, breaks things, or does anything else that would be considered improper at your house, then you either need to punish him or stop the activity -- dinner, BBQ, card game, whatever -- and end the evening. "I'm sorry, but he just can't behave like that here. Maybe we can finish this up some other evening." And then stick to it.

If it becomes so uncomfortable to have the son visit, then just make it clear to the parents the next time you have a dinner or party that it's "adults only" and that no children will be at the event.

Hopefully it's something he'll grow out of. Or ... the parents may simply be at a loss as to how to deal with their son. There may be extenuating circumstances -- a chemical imbalance, or an illness of some kind -- with the boy that your friends may not want "publicized" to others, and they may be working on that. But either way, you shouldn't have to endure physical harm just to spend time with your friends.

 

[Madi100]

We have some good friends that have completely different views on parenting and on life. They belive that if you don't win the game, you are a loser. If you play your best, you win. So, if you lose, you should have played better. I didn't actually know that people like that were still around.

We use them as our bad example with our children We love this couple to death, and we have been friends for many years. I don't want to lose them because we differ in our thoughts. Luckily, we live four hours away from each other. I would hate to live in the same town as them and be associated with that train of thought. I woudl be embarrassed.

So, I think my advice would be to see how much this actually affects your life. If all that happens is that the children are a little rowdy and rude, I would think your relationship could make it through this. If your children start acting this way, then maybe it's time to say something.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I think I was the first to see your thread pop up!

Sent you a (long and hopefully helpful) PM!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Since you don't have kids to worry about it rubbing off and you would like to remain friends just try and be polite for now and hope that the child is in a "phase" and matures to a nice boy. (positive thinking here)

If he hits I suppose you could excuse yourself like, "well it is getting late & I need to get going because______"
Have an exit strategy ready.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Kim, we posted our replies at the same time and I see now you don't have kids.

DH and I were married for over 10 years before we had our own kids. In that time most of our friends and family had kids while we did not. Spending time with these people became difficult because we were at different life stages and sadly really didn't have much in common anymore. Conversations and activities always centered around their children and it just wasn't our cup of tea at that time. I tried hard not to judge their parenting skills, though, because I knew we wanted kids someday ourselves and wasn't sure we could do any better, LOL! (Though I did learn whose styles I liked and didn't like, etc...).

Fast forward to now, two children later. All our family and friend's kids are mostly grown and we still have two 7 yr olds. And ours aren't perfect but let me tell you I've tried very hard to do a good job. My kids do things sometimes around people who have never had kids and I cringe because I know it seems awful to them (like it did to me). But I know other parents understand. Bottom Line the kids teachers rave about how nice my kids are so I must be on the right track. But I know people in my life who've never had kids think my kids are bratty sometimes and there's not much I can do about it.

Maybe you can spend time with your friends without their kids once in a while, perhaps an adult dinner alone sometimes? (And send a special gift to the Goddaughter on birthdays and holidays)... I'd probably nix the vacations together since it just won't be pleasant. And keep taking notes so when the day comes that you have kids of your own you'll be able to eek out your own strategy. Good Luck!

 

[Pete's Mom]

I went through this with by boyfriend's son (he has custody). His son is that same age as Pete. He is disrespectful and very controlling of everything around him. If he does not get his way, he will make everyone around him miserable until his dad gives in.

Over the course of two years, I tried all different types of things to improve the situation.

First, I tried to ignore it thinking his dad would step in and discipline him. That didn't happen.

Second, I tried to very kindly ask him not to do or say hurtful things, explain to him why, and that he needed to treat others the way he wanted to be treated. He ignored me.

Third, I tried to talk to BF about. Sadly, he has become so desensitized to it that he has pretty much accepted this behavior as being the norm and has completely given up. He also became very defensive about his son even though he readily admited that his son had behavior problems.

Finally, I realized that everyone in the world could talk to him until we were blue in the face and it wouldn't do any good as long as it was not being reinforced by his dad.

Now, when he has a melt down, Pete and I leave. We don't storm off in anger, we just quietly remove ourselves from the situation. I just politely tell my BF that it doesn't looks like a good night and that we are going to head on home. Sometimes we leave within 10 minutes of arriving or we have had to get our food to go, but it's worth it. It saves us frustration on our part and also sends a signal to my BF and his son that they need to place nice if they want us to stay. So far, so good as my BF has now started to crack down on his son about his behavior.

As long as you keep trying to find the solution or continue to tolerate it, his parents are never going to do anything about it. They will slowly learn that in order for you to come over, they will need to rein in their son. Good luck!

 

[snoopy]

We have a similar situation, in our case its my lifelong friend who is a single mom and her son, who is completely out of control. I think she really would LIKE to get control, but its just gone beyond what she can do alone. She needs to seek some sort of counseling for him, and parenting classes for her. The kid comes to stay at our house and understands the rules when one of us is in the room, but the minute we turn our back its another story. I caught him saying some stuff to my kids that was completely unacceptable, and let him know that in my house, he wasn't getting away with it. Then when his mom came to pick him up, I had to tell her too. It was tough, but the kid had gotten to the point that even my own kids were uncomfortable around him -- he can be very cunning and manipulative, since this is the way he has done his mother since he was old enough to talk.

Good luck, sometimes tough love is the only way to go. Hopefully these parents can get the help they need to turn these kids lives around.

 

[Pete's Mom]

I would also like to point out that you have to be very careful about confronting a parent about their child's behavior. More often than not, most parents become very defensive and angry even if your concerns are well founded. It's like they take it personally and tranlate it into "blah, blah, blah, you are a bad parent!"