how would you handle this ?

[leighe]

Don't you see that you are setting her up for FAILURE? You sound like you are daring her to do it. Which is sick. You keep saying I had rules and restrictions. Stop making it about you. She has not grow up that way. She is going from one extreme household to another. I can't be your way or the highway.

Every child is different. I have different rules for my 11 and 13 yr old. Let alone a 13 and 16 yr old. They are at different stages in their life. I don't punish them the same way either. What would work on my 13 yr old wouldn't work for my other child.

I find this ridiculous. Post a thread, ask for opinions and then try and defend your crappy oppressive rules. It doesn't matter what anyone says you are still going to do what you please. Here's a tip. Don't post a thread about your SD and think pixie dust is going to be blown up your butt when you are obviously doing harm to her.

This is exactly how I feel. Why does it matter how strict the rules were when you grew up? What does that have to do with your step-daughter? I didn't have tons of strict rules and I grew up to be, in my opinion anyway, a reasonably intelligent and responsible adult.

You sound really resentful, like you want to prove to her mother how GOOD parents parent. There are lots of good ways to parent. And most of them don't require an iron-clad bedtime or breakfast menu.

 

[hambirg]

Ok. . I haven't read all 11 pages. . .BUT none of these things. . .rules, curfews, whether she eats breakfast or not are none of YOUR business! You have zero legal authority over this girl and you are waaaay overstepping your bounds.

This girl has two parents. It is up to them to decide together what and how her rules should be. If she is coming to live with you and your husband then her Dad should be the only enforcer of those rules. . .you should really just stay out of it. You are setting yourself and this girl up for failure.

Even if you have the best intentions, which seriously I don't think that is what this is all about at all, you have no say in any of this. You married a man that has a child with somebody else. As far as THAT child goes, you have NO say. Focus on your kids.

You guys are her PARENTS not her JAILERS.

Nope! The OP is NOT her parent. She can support her husbands decisions, but she has ZERO authority over this girl.

 

[agnes!]

I don't believe you don't do that with a high schooler, my DD13 still likes to cuddle and we hug a lot. My kids know that I believe in them and that they can do anything they put their mind to.

First off, the two most important questions that occurred to me are:

Do you love her?
and...welll...I see you refer to 'your' kids...
is she one of 'your' kids too?​

In 2 years she will legally be an adult, the groundwork you are laying down now will have an affect on what type of early adulthood she will have. Yes, from your OP I am guessing that you think the situation sucks and are resentful. Y'know what? I am sure the situation *does* suck. I doubt that many of the people affected (your DH's daughter/your step-daughter, maybe your DH's Ex, you, the children that are already living in your house, the man of the house/your husband and this girl's father) actually want this change that's a-coming, but for some fairly important and unstated reason the adults in the situation or the legal system must feel it is necessary.

It is necessary, so somehow your husband and you have to make it work and make the situation one in which all the children in the household thrive. You asked for how we would handle it and that's my response.

By the way, has she ever gotten to go to WDW with her dad?

And I can't remember if you've posted about this, but if you have in the past?...starting *now*, no conversations between you and the children already in the household that could be construed as gossiping about their stepsister.

Re: Testing
*the PSAT...Sorry about this but it's too late for her to take it if she hasn't already taken it as a Junior. She cannot take it as a Senior and it is only offered one day a year (October 13th this year) with one possible make-up day (October 16th). I would check with her old high-school to see if she did indeed take it the Wednesday after Columbus Day.
*SAT & ACT...She really needs to take both in the spring of her Junior year, regardless of what the high school normally does. Many kids will score significantly higher on one over the other and many/most colleges accept both, so she owes it to herself to take both and see how she does.

Good luck,
agnes!

 

[Carly_Roach]

Hannathy and I don't agree on much too often, but I only got to page 2 before Hannathy said it all for me:

I agree !00%

I have to ask why do you hate her so much?
and what has she been convicted of?

She is your daughter not your prisoner!!!!! your tone drips of venom and hatred and so not welcoming that I want to call the girl and tell her to run now because that is what she is going to do. Their are prisons with less rules.

I predict she runs away within a month.

I agree that this girl is either going to run away, move away or gut it out for the two years she has to spend with her father and the step-monster before graduating from high school and getting the heck out of there.

I don't know what this girl has done to make you hate her so much, but I'd re-think taking her into your home. It sounds like she'd probably do better at a foster family's house.

 

[wvjules]

*nevermind*

If you can't say something nice......

 

[maxiesmom]

Hannathy and I don't agree on much too often, but I only got to page 2 before Hannathy said it all for me: I agree that this girl is either going to run away, move away or gut it out for the two years she has to spend with her father and the step-monster before graduating from high school and getting the heck out of there.

I don't know what this girl has done to make you hate her so much, but I'd re-think taking her into your home. It sounds like she'd probably do better at a foster family's house.

I agree with the both of you.

I can't help but feel you are punishing your DSD for some reason. I honestly think you need to step back and look at everything you are doing. You sound more like a prison guard that a parent.

 

[postage stamp]

I have a spare room opening up on Dec. 1st. Tickets from Manchester are only $134, You can send her to live with me In Seattle.

You asked what people would do, well I'd send her to live with someone else if she's as terrible as you've made her out to be. It doesn't seem like you care at all about HER just about how she's going to effect YOUR life. Which is just sad.

 

[DWGal210]

As much as I'd like to think our comments are helping, I doubt they are. She had her mind made up before posting. Perhaps the thread title should be changed.

OP, please take the advice in the spirit it's given. If you only want to hear from people who agree with you 100%, you'll have to start your own message board.

 

[okeydokey]

The most important thing to do for her right now is NOT to cut her off from her friends. They are her lifeline and what is keeping her sane during this difficult time in her life. Let her talk and text and facebook with them when she needs to with just necessary restrictions (for me that is not during dinner and not at the expense of schoolwork. As long as the work is getting done, she should have leeway with the communication).

Eventually she may make friends from her new school and contact with these friends will be easier if you let it be. Teenagers are social creatures, they NEED their friends.

 

[postage stamp]

Double post!

 

[lovin diz]

here is my advice:

Let her choose her bedtime...DD14 doesnt have a bedtime, but when she is tired, she goes to sleep...sometimes at 9 but usually no later than 10..If your dsd starts falling asleep in class, make a rule...just because i fall asleep at 830 doesnt mean she has to...

as far as the curfew thing..do like we did with my step son..ask what the friends curfew is, then say, well if they come pick you up, then be home in time for them to be home by their curfew.

Im sure you bring your dd 13 places with friends...Do the same thing for your dsd. one night if they want to go to the movies, you offer to bring them...

I cant imagine not having a cell phone...you say phone reception is bad..Do you have a cell phone?? could you find reception if necessary?? Your dsd will find reception, and right now--her friends is all she has, and taking them completely away--she will rebel.

Let some of those friends spend the night..order pizza...Get to know them....

Get on facebook yourself and friend her...dont worry about being sneaky by having her password...

THere are ways to parent, where the teen thinks you are being a "cool" parent, but you are really watching them.

 

[JulyGirl]

In my experience, the kids who ended up getting in the most trouble (teen pregnancy, drinking, drugs, shoplifting, etc.) were the kids from the strictest families. Not all of them, of course, but a good many of them. There comes a point when teens feel a need to rebel. Those with the least amount of freedom, have the most reason to rebel.

I think with your SD, her rules may need to be different from the rest of the kids. Think of how she will feel going from no rules to a list of rules for every occasion of the day. It's almost like you are setting her up for failure. I think you really do care about her and your methods may be coming from a good place, but please put yourself in her shoes.

 

[pyrxtc]

funky

 

[PaulaSB12]

Holy Crap!

Exaclty are there any other family members aunts, uncles grandparents because this girl should not be moving in with you its going from one abusive family to another, even foster care would be better than this.

 

[LovableGluttons]

What does her father think about this?

She's his child, not yours.

Is he also the biological father to your 13 year old? I'm just wondering why he'd father a child with such a young girl, then do it again only three years later?

Your kids would be okay with the rules you have if that's all they have ever known. Your husband's daughter wasn't brought up under those conditions.

She's 16, she's old enough to be treated with the respect she needs. If you and her father let her know how your household is normally run, she can try to for her lifestyle into it. She's also old enough to know what's too much for her.

OP, you have a tremendous opportunity with this young lady. You could potentially be a great friend and trusted confidante. If you force these things on her, you will ruin any future relationship she has with her father, her half siblings, and you.

I'd make her father handle this and just be an unbiased sounding board for both of them as they work it out.

 

[ols386]

Ok. . I haven't read all 11 pages. . .BUT none of these things. . .rules, curfews, whether she eats breakfast or not are none of YOUR business! You have zero legal authority over this girl and you are waaaay overstepping your bounds.

This girl has two parents. It is up to them to decide together what and how her rules should be. If she is coming to live with you and your husband then her Dad should be the only enforcer of those rules. . .you should really just stay out of it. You are setting yourself and this girl up for failure.

Even if you have the best intentions, which seriously I don't think that is what this is all about at all, you have no say in any of this. You married a man that has a child with somebody else. As far as THAT child goes, you have NO say. Focus on your kids.




Nope! The OP is NOT her parent. She can support her husbands decisions, but she has ZERO authority over this girl.

I think some of the rules the op has laid out are too much for a 16-year-old, but it is her business to a certain point. The DSD will be living in her home, and if the dad works a lot of hours, and the op is the one at home with the DSD (in the father's absence), then the op does need to be involved.

I think the op and the father need to agree on the rules, and from what the op said earlier, it sounded like they had discussed it and were agreed on the rules, which again, I think are a bit much for the age of the DSD.

I don't think it's fair to say that it's none of the op's business and that she has no say at all in it. When it's your home and your family, you need to at least have a voice in the whole process. I do, however, think it's up to the father to take the lead on whatever the rules end up being, and enforcing the rules. But as many pp's have already said, I think the rules that the op has mentioned so far, are a bit much for the age of the dsd.

 

[pyrxtc]

ticklish

 

[Hannathy]

Cell phones don't work up here very well and until she is out in a car on her own, she doesn't need one.

We do not provide allowance or vehicles. She has to get a job to pay for it all herself. All of our kids will.



It is going to be a give and take relationship.

So which is it you give them money or you don't? you seem to change your tune an awful lot.

She is going to have a phone or not?

And as everyone who has actually has older teens has told you THEY DO NOT call the house phone. your SDD will be an outcast and never know what is going on.

all I see is your SDD giving where is your giving?

 

[PatsMom]

One thing I forgot to mention when I dragged my daughter from the city to the mountains of New Hampshire. I tried to be very sensitive to the fact that I removed her from a support system of friends at a tough time in her life. She is a smart girl and she made some smart choices in new friends but it took a while. During that time, I did things like drive 75 miles to our old city to pick up a friend on a Friday night for a weekend get together. Then I would drive the friend home on Sunday. I think that support helped her take her time in choosing new friends and helped her take up with a great group of kids.

I cannot imagine telling a 16 year old that her two choices on Halloween were trick or treating (way too old for that) or staying home to hand out candy. Most high schoolers would be at some type of Halloween party for kids their age. It only takes a phone call to add a driver to your policy so her not being able to drive your cars doesn't fly as an excuse. It sounds like she will be a total prisoner of your willingness to shuttle her around. How is she going to get a job if she doesn't have transportation to get there since you are so remote?

And giving money "sometimes" based on your whims seems kind of mean too. Until she finds a job, how does she know what to plan for? We worked out an allowance system. First we figured out what school breakfast and lunch cost - that was our base. Then I added on an amount for what I figured we were saving in gas not driving her around to help her pay for her gas. Then I added $20 per week for spending. She could blow all the extra or she could save up for something special. If she really wanted to save up a bunch of money, she could even make PB&J sandwiches to take to school and hang on to her lunch money. Result is she is now at college and great at budgeting her money. How are they ever going to learn if you don't give them a chance.

 

[Carly_Roach]

I love her very much and she knows this. She has gotten to go with us to WDW twice, once the very first time we went and another during a week that we all had the same school vacation. that was 5 and 3 yrs ago. She actually mentioned yesterday that now that she will be living with us, she will get to go when we do. I have already priced out the cost of adding to her to our possible trip to DL next year with just my DH and I and bringing her too. we have also already talked about driving down to Fl during April vacation and staying with my Aunt and hitting the stuff around her for the week. 7 beaches within 20 minutes of her house on the Gulf Coast. Sounds like heaven to me.

A 17 y/o with a 9:30pm curfew, a year of living under "I don't trust you" rules, no communication with anyone that wasn't already pre-approved of by you, then spending a week with you and your elderly aunt where there are 7 beaches within 20 minutes of a house that she's not allowed to leave unless she's cleared all details with you first? Um...sorry. But that wouldn't have sounded like a heaven to me at 17.

I don't think I want to hear anymore. I'll pray for her that she manages to keep everything together until she's graduated from high school and can begin life over again.

Unsubscribing.