How would you handle this situation? small update post #41

[mom2grace]

This is your husband's sister, right? Why doesn't he handle it?

 

[mickeyfan2]

Well, I emailed my SIL and told her my kids would appreciate gift certificates as well. Would you believe she told me she was "already done" with the shopping for my kids?

I can only imagine what THAT means...

Well email her back and tell her that you will return her kids gifts and get them GC if she does the same.

 

[Morganpics]

DH family siblings stopped exchanging gifts a number of years ago at his sister's request (no money). So, the adults draw names. We DO still give to all the kids, though. My deal is when they turn 13 they get money for their birthday in a card. No more gifts. We don't usually get together anyway, and I just abhor having gifts hanging around my house way after a birthday. Christmas (sorry, I stuck the birthday issue in there) I give a B&N gift certificate along with a SMALL item, again, once they turn 13. (Seems to be the magic age for me!) They always seem to like the gift certificate, they can get a book, music, or spend it on coffee in the cafe! Seems to work for our family. I like the ideas of the GC's, or just have the kids give to the kids (I know-you'll still have to get it). Or just say you'd like to stop exchanging gifts altogether. Once you do it, you'll find a load of stress and annoyance off your shoulders. I know I sure did with the birthday deal.

ETA: I just finished reading the posts. If the kids don't even thank you for the gifts, that's the end. If DH doesn't like it, tell him to talk to his sister. You're over it. I know I would be.

 

[Shannon G]

I've had a similar situation with DH's sister. The gifts she got my kids were cheap and thoughtless. She refused the suggestion to stop "exchanging" but stopped giving gifts to DH & I. But how do you stop getting for one, when you get for all the others...especially when it's DH's family? I couldn't.

Unfortunately, she passed her attitudes to her girls. The response after opening gifts was "Eeewww!" or they'd just toss it aside & move on to the next gift without a thank-you. And hey, I get nice stuff! The other SILs were appalled - and got the same response to their gifts. They stopped buying gifts & just gave cash. I did that once - the response was "Is that all?" so that ended that.

I was really glad when my in-laws said that they wouldn't be giving gifts anymore once the kids turned 18. (My DS was the first to do so.) That got the rest of us off the hook.

Since her kids are 16 & 17, maybe you could just do something similar.

Sorry, but if the the kids' reactions to their gifts was to complain or move on without even a simple thank you, I would NOT be buying them any giftsd in the future. And, if asked why, I would be honest - if my gifts are not appreciated, or at least accepted graciously, I will no longer give them. Period. Sounds like someone needs to teach those kids some manners, and their parents certainly aren't getting the job done. I, personally, would be appalled if my children ever acted like that, and you can bet that they would be taught,in no uncertain terms, that the behavior was completely unacceptable.

But, back to the OP, if the problem is simply with DSIL, and not the kids, it's tough, because I wouldn't want to punish the kids for their mother's thoughtlessness. I think I'd discuss the possibility of not exchanging gifts anymore, like someone esle suggested, maybe say that your finances are tight, and you'd rather cut down on the gift-giving.

Oh, and while I do believe that it's the thought that counts, as Robert Fulgham said in his book "All I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten" "People who think good thoughts give good gifts." Think about it, it's true. My DSIL is great at finding a bargain, but it's always something appropriate for the person receiving it. We exchange names at XMas, and one year she had my name, and money was tight - she gave me a little stuffed "sugar plum fairy" Eeyore. Probably less than $10, but since I'm a Disney Fanatic, and I love Eeyore, she obviously put thought into the gift.

 

[ChibiJones]

Given the age of the kids & their lack of gratitude, I'd give the money I would have spent to a charity in their honor.

And then, I'd follow up with Shannon G's advice:

And, if asked why, I would be honest - if my gifts are not appreciated, or at least accepted graciously, I will no longer give them.

 

[ElizaB39]

You've gotten some great advise so far.

As for your update: I would either email her back and tell her that since she already shopped for your kids that you and her should both start the gift card exchange NEXT year, and that you'd be sending gifts this year like her, too. That way it will sound like you two have an understanding but will start next year since she's already done her shopping.

You could get her kids the exact same things she has gotten your kids in the past. That way she cant get upset because she did the same for your kids. Just get the barrettes and hair accesories in different colors/styles so it's not that obvious. Or, different kinds of pencils---maybe those mechanical ones, or some colorful pens, or something. This could be taken either way. She "might" get the hint, or, it could just be a coincidence. Either way, she can't get upset because she does the same.

True, you shouldn't punish the kids, but if they are so ungrateful as to not ever thank you I wouldn't worry about it. If they were more grateful that would be different.

Good luck and please give an update. I have relatives like this as well. WE all know it's the thought that counts, but sounds like there is no though put into her "gifts" at all.

No, no no, she should REGIFT what the SIL has given her kids right back to her nieces and nephews. PLEASE stop the insanity!!!

I have to admint this thread has had me angry, sad, and laughing all within 20 seconds! (the seatbelt cutter comment about hoping its one gift I'll never have to use just got me )

 

[Alaska Catdog]

I would do one of the following.

1. I would wait to see what she got your kids this year and then get a similar thing. I would mail it late with an apology for it's lateness, the original package came back in the mail all bashed up.

2. Or, I would give them the gift of wonder by buying the kids a shared subscription to the National Geographic. I relish sending this gift to my brothers family. He can't complain because it's so good for his kids to have the subscription, but I'm sure he'd rather I buy them video games. (Nat. Geo is only about $26.00).

3. Or, I would donate some money in the name of her children to Hurricane Relief or some other organization (to be really mean, you could donate it to a cause she hated). I think that qualifies as a gift certficate.

I just returned from visiting my in-laws in Michigan and now I'm pretty certain they must have something in the water because I've got a SIL just like yours.
Good Luck.

 

[Rella Bella]

Well, I emailed my SIL and told her my kids would appreciate gift certificates as well. Would you believe she told me she was "already done" with the shopping for my kids? I can only imagine what THAT means...

Unbelievable! She is really a gutsy one.
Pat yourself on the back for dealing with her so considerately all these years.

 

[Jeafl]

Usually I am very confrontational...but in this case I have to ask how does your DH feel about this (is this his sister?). If he thinks what she does is odd, but acceptable and doesn't want to rock the boat, maybe you are better off just buying what you want to buy for her kids and hopefully in a few years everyone will be grown and the insanity can stop. I am wondering that if you do confront her, is it worth it. If you hardly see them maybe it is, but if it will make Christmas dinner awkward or start family problems it may be better to just take the high road. Also, even if her gifts are less than desireable, at least she makes an effort to give your kids gifts. I have had very close family members not give any gift at all, thankfully the kids were too young to know, but DH and I were very hurt....but the people are family and there is no changing that.

Yes, she is my husband's sister, and he thinks she is nuts too. Unfortunately (or fortuntely), he is a really nice guy and it goes against his grain to buy anyone junk. My biggest issue with buying them equally bad stuff is that all the other relatives there will think I have really bad taste and that would just about kill me. It's crazy, I know.

 

[MrsNick]

I really like another poster's idea about sending money to a charity in your nieces' names. So many hurricane victims could certainly use the gift, and would actually be grateful for it. And then, a gift for each of them that has no monetary value, like a box of homemade shortbread (not too hard to make, in case your a really, really busy person) which is a really personal, thoughtful and holiday oriented gift.

I did not like that your gifts were sold at garage sale without ever having been used, and that not only were you not thanked for your gifts, but actually insulted by your nieces. I mean, who says "Ewww" to someone's face who just gave them a gift? Just my 2 cents.

 

[magicfan]

I really like the charity idea then. My parents have actually done that on several occasions. How can you go wrong when you are helping someone in need? The charities my parents have chosen actually gave her a nice little card to send the recipiant. I can't remember which charities they have used. I'll have to ask them.

 

[MiakodaWDW]

I have not read all the posts on here, but I did read the first few. I sent the poster a PM with ideas about how MY big family handles Christmas and birthdays. I thought I would copy it here, in case anyone else has big family get-togethers at Christmas:

Hi,
I came across your thread randomly while looking for a post made by my friend. I did not read everyone's replies as it is after 2am here and I'm tired, so I hope my ideas were not mentioned. (Warning written after I wrote the whole PM: this is a very long message, but please read the whole thing as it took me forever to write!)

Your situation sounds very familiar! My mom's side of the family is huge: my grandparents have 4 kids, all of whom are married and have kids. The total goes like this:

2 grandparents
4 sons/daughters
4 sons/daughters in law
7 grandchildren
4 grandchildrens' spouses
3 great-grandchildren

We used to all spend Christmas at my grandparents, with some exceptions (my cousin that lives far away hardly ever came). Years ago, before there were any great-grandchildren, we used to all exchange gifts with one another. We had a problem with one of my parents' siblings and their spouse and kids. They not only bought crappy gifts, but they never said thank you, or sent a thank you note if they didn't come to Christmas and were sent gifts. One year, the family had a meeting and decided that it was too much trouble and too costly to buy everyone gifts, and there was the problem of getting a cousin or aunt or uncle something great, and getting something crappy in return or vice-versa (that particular issue was not mentioned in the meeting but it was in everyone's heads)
That year, they all decided (I was too young to be part of the meeting back then) to change the way we handled gift buying/exchanging. Each separate family (parents and kids) would have their own Christmas at home, and of course each person would buy good gifts for their parents, children, siblings, and grandparents. Then we would all meet up later in the afternoon to exchange gifts with everyone. The gift process has changed now, but the first thing we did was "dollar gifts". Everyone bought gifts that cost one dollar (from the Dollar Tree or whatever) for cousins, aunts, uncles, cousins' spouses and kids, neices, nephews, etc.) It was cheap, it was easy (all shopping could be done at the same store!), and it was fun. People still got to unwrap gifts from everyone, even if it was just a little trinket or whatever you can get from the Dollar Tree. I enjoyed that year a lot, but everyone else agreed on a different system for the following year. We have been using that system ever since. I can't remember what it's called (Chinese auction or something like that), but here's how we do it: everyone (the adults and older kids) buys one 15 to 20 dollar gift that would be suitable for anyone of any age or gender and wraps it up. When we are all together, after dinner usually, the gifts are put in a pile on the floor and everyone picks a number out of hat. The numbers go from 3 to however many gifts/people are there that year. It starts with 3 because my grandparents go first When your number is up, you either pick a new gift and unwrap it, or take someone else's gift from them and they have to pick a new present in return (or take someone else's). Any one gift can only be "taken" twice, and then it is "dead". The person who has it then gets to keep it. This goes on until everyone has a gift. Then people usually trade after it's over.
It's so much fun, good-natured arguing over the best gifts (one year the favorite was a couple bottles of wine! LOL), good family fun. We are not supposed to say what gift we bought, but we always end up doing that anyway (except one of my uncles.....he will never tell anyone what he bought!)
Now, of course this only works if your family always gets together on Christmas. Otherwise, I would say suggest to the family that there is a spending limit on gifts for non-immediate family members (a dollar would be silly b/c of shipping, so maybe 5 or 10 dollars). Say the gift has to be between 8 and 10$ or something like that, set a minimum and maximum. I'm sure you can come up with a diplomatic way of suggesting this without making anyone feel bad.
As far as birthdays, the only family members I get birthday gifts from are my sister, parents, grandparents (always money from the grandparents, same with Christmas. They always give everyone in the family money on Christmas...but they are much richer than the rest of us!), and my mom's sister (usually a card and 10 or 15 dollars). Some other aunt/uncles/cousins send me a card.
Hope my suggestions help and that they weren't already said by someone else. If your family does get together for Christmas, the "Chinese Auction" or whatever is a blast! It's really more about the interaction and fun than the gifts themselves. Plus, instead of everyone opening their gifts at the same time (and you miss out on seeing someone open their gift from you...which is my favorite part ), you get to watch each person open a gift and see if it's something you want to take from them, or open that big, interesting looking package on the floor!
I hope you work out the issues, and I totally feel you on the "cheap relatives" thing. The only thing worse than being cheap is not saying thank you, and those certain family members of mine do both.
Good luck, and early Merry Christmas to you and your family!

I wanted to share this with everyone, because the "Chinese Auction" and dollar gift ideas are so much fun, and make big family-gift buying so much easier and less expensive. And the fun of the "auction" is more pleasing to me than getting cheaper gifts from everyone, that I probably won't like anyway! Like I said, the fun is in the activity more so than the gift you end up with. I personally preffered the dollar gift idea b/c I like buying gifts for people, and I just took my list of family members' names to the Dollar Tree, and was able to pick out something special for each person. I had all the joy of "it's the thought that counts" gift-giving, and spent under 30 dollars total! Some gifts were pretty nice, like a cute little decorative box or candle holder for my aunts; some were fun (I bought two ridiculous "umbrella hats" for my two uncles that are very silly....silly referring to both the hats AND my uncles). I'm sure they probably ended up in the garbage put the picture I have of the two of them wearing the hats with their arms around each other is priceless! They were two people I had no idea what to buy for, so it was just fun. Plus it's fun giving and receiving lots of gifts, even if they are only a dollar. It's fun to unwrap them and see what someone picked out for you with a dollar limit!

thanks for reading!

Mia

 

[Tuffcookie]

In this case I think that I'd level with her. Tell her that you are surprised that she's telling you what to get for her kids, but you can't do the same for your kids.

I like this idea!

TC

 

[Mermaid02]

I'd ask her what she got my kids and tell her that you want to get her kids the same thing, since her gifts are always so "thoughtful and generous" and gift cards are so "impersonal" Then again, I'm a witch.

 

[taximomfor4]

We have some AWFUL gift-giving in our family. For my 18th birthday, my stepmom gave me, I am not kidding, a JAR OF PEANUT BUTTER. Fresh out of her grocery bags. Not wrapped or anything. That is now a family joke.

In our family, everyone gets a gift for every child (under 18)...like $5 gifts....maybe a book or $5 blockbuster giftcard. There are a few family members (my younger sis) whose child gets gifts from everyone, but she NEVER has bought a single gift for any of the other kids. We all follow my now-deceased grandmother and leave no child out. So we all still buy her son a gift too.

We also do a drawing for adults...you draw a name, and buy that person a $25-$50 gift. My stepmom (Peanut Butter Woman) gave one of my sisters a little lipstick holder (you know, with a teeny mirror on it) with lipstick already in it, and ALREADY USED. EWW. And she isn't the only one. My mother in law is TERRIBLE at picking gifts. I mean TERRIBLE. My kids, last Christmas, were 2/5/6/11. They are, I must say, quite good at accepting the gifts graciously nonetheless. 2x/year my kids and I go through their things and bag up items to donate. Those yuckier gifts go straight into the donation bags, and my kids feel good that they have something to donate.

Beth

 

[MelindaKiah]

Okay, this is not a fun situation by any means. But I can say that if you don't come up with something that you are satisfied with, this will be ongoing and, trust me, I've been there, you don't want this type of thing to be neverending.

I DO agree that this is "for the kids"...why should her kids suffer because she's cheap (or whatever you want to call it). By the same token, this is "for the kids"....YOUR kids!!! Why should your kids suffer because she's cheap??

Personally, I would ask her what she got your kids...saying something like they are getting so picky, or their tastes are changing so quickly. Tell her you don't want the gifts to be unused or unwanted..that would be a terrible waste of money. Since she's cheap, she should relate to this!!! Then if the gifts are terrible, I would say you know what...I'd be more than happy to return them, and give the kids gift certificates for the same dollar value so they can pick out what they want. I'm having a hard time myself this year, as they're getting older.

I wish you lots of luck!!!

 

[Rella Bella]

Or, I would give them the gift of wonder by buying the kids a shared subscription to the National Geographic. I relish sending this gift to my brothers family. He can't complain because it's so good for his kids to have the subscription, but I'm sure he'd rather I buy them video games. (Nat. Geo is only about $26.00).

This is a really great idea!! Nat. Geo might be a bit extreme... although it is a great mag.
But how about choosing a mag you think the kids would enjoy! It wouldn't be too hard to find out what they're into. They get something they like every month & also to remember Aunt & Uncle really thought of them and what they'd like. Not much to mail either!