How would you handle this situation? small update post #41

[Marseeya]

This reminded my of my Aunt Mary. Every year she sent me and my sister some kind of "old lady" trinkety jewelry or an adult sweater. We always rolled our eyes. Only when I was older did i discover the "big family secret"--Aunt Mary was mentally ********, living alone in a Long Island apartment. She had no children, had never been introduced to the neices & nephews. Kind of a sad life, really. I guess she sent things that she thought were pretty. I learned a lot from my family about being ashamed of "differences" and vowed to change--and now I have my own mentally ********/autistic child who is loved & cherished in my household.

Sorry, didn't mean to hijack.

Awww, what a sweet story! Poor Aunt Mary. Did you ever get to meet her?

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

but is it usual in your family for people to send anniversary cards?

we do send anniversary cards in our family. To all of our parents and siblings.

 

[ReadingBelle]

Holy crap! She sold your gifts at a yard sale without ever letting the kids wear them? That is just strange! I mean, I can see returning something if it didn't fit or the kids didn't like it, but just selling it to get the money? Not Christmas-y at all! I feel really bad for those two kids. They've been getting presents but haven't been allowed to keep them. Does this woman have other problems? It sound like her cheapness may border on compulsivity, especially if, as you say, their family is relatively well-off!

 

[mom2boys]

My first thought upon reading your post is that your SiL doesn't know your kids very well. Are her's younger than yours. She just sounds clueless as to who your children really are.

 

[Jeafl]

My first thought upon reading your post is that your SiL doesn't know your kids very well. Are her's younger than yours. She just sounds clueless as to who your children really are.

I think she is clueless in general. Her kids are 16 & 17 (girl and boy). What 16-year old girl wants cheap plastic barettes? I think she just buys a bunch of stuff on sale then decides who to send it you later.

I'm sure she got a great deal on those pencils since back to school season just ended.

 

[piratesmate]

I've had a similar situation with DH's sister. The gifts she got my kids were cheap and thoughtless. She refused the suggestion to stop "exchanging" but stopped giving gifts to DH & I. But how do you stop getting for one, when you get for all the others...especially when it's DH's family? I couldn't.

Unfortunately, she passed her attitudes to her girls. The response after opening gifts was "Eeewww!" or they'd just toss it aside & move on to the next gift without a thank-you. And hey, I get nice stuff! The other SILs were appalled - and got the same response to their gifts. They stopped buying gifts & just gave cash. I did that once - the response was "Is that all?" so that ended that.

I was really glad when my in-laws said that they wouldn't be giving gifts anymore once the kids turned 18. (My DS was the first to do so.) That got the rest of us off the hook.

Since her kids are 16 & 17, maybe you could just do something similar.

 

[jonestavern]

I have consoled my kids several times when they were disappointed with their gift by reminding them that we still love the giver, if not the gift. Sometimes you get yucky stuff, but we need to be gracious anyway.
If she has asked for mall GCs, then get that--you aren't buying for her, you're buying for the kids. Don't punish the kids because their mom is clueless. Take the high road. Your kids will learn more from you than from her.

I am one for coming right out & saying something like this:
"Oh, mall certificates, what a good idea! I'll get your kids $25.00 certificates a piece & you'll get my kids $25.00 certificates a piece, you know the same amount per child" Have a witness preferably yr DH & another family member.
Meanwhile, send her children cards for their birthdays & all holidays, not necessarily with money included, but a short personnal note, definitely. a phone call on the child's birthday, & leave a message on the answering machine--2 wouldn't hurt--if you can't speak to the child. Maintain written, e-mail & phone contact with the kids & they will learn so much & it is important to them & your children, too.
I give this advice because this is how I go about maintaining contact with my sister's young ladies. they are now in their early to mid twenties & we have very good relationships, quite independent of DSis. My DSis means well, but never sends my DS16 a birthday card or seldom a phone call & only has given him perhaps 3 gifts, ever( they were very nice gifts!). I must say she does love him, just I think kids need nore personnal contact

My friend's SIL has given her, as I live & breathe, a partially eaten bag of chips from a Hawaii--souvenir from their vacation!, a selection of 5, count 'em 5 teabags! (& no they weren't real 'exclusive', just 5 assorted teabags ). How do you explain to a 4 year old that auntie just thinks he'll love the real estate key chains(used! ) she's given him?
Jaime & her family have been invited over to dinner only a few times in almost 30 yrs, & for a bar-b-que there is one hamburger for each person, a small bag of chips for all 12-17 folks & she asks everyone else to bring 'sides"! May I tell you this woman lives in a home costing well over $500,000 dollars, in the mid west! I could regale you for another paragraph on this dingbat's money mooching ways! While on her own family she spends & expects others to do likewise! what a pip!
Everyone else in that family gives, handmade or store-bought, average gifts, no extravagance, just thoughtful. Even my friend's DH knows how to make or purchase appropriate presents.
The extended family--including this winner's Mom-- all just roll their eyes & swop tales at the sisters' expense! At least she has given everyone a good laugh!
Hope this helps!
Jean

 

[Daisy Duck 5]

I would say just start looking on stuff for sale for them. That way you know that you are spending less on them but their mother would never know. So really the joke would be on them.

 

[ItsonlyExperiment626]

We must have the same SIL. We would send nephews nice thoughtful gifts and she would send gifts that were cheap, but not age appropriate. Like the time she sent my 5 year old a gift for a 3 year old. MIL is the same.

 

[tinaluis]

I like the mall gift certificate idea -- tell her that's what she can do for your kids too. That should stop her dead in her tracks.

 

[EthansMom]

I would still give her kids gifts, but since they're teenagers, I would just give them money or a gift card. If it were me, I would just give each teenager $20 in a "money-holder" Christmas card. Money may not have sentiment, but you know that it will be used.

Regarding receiving cheap, junky gifts for your kids: I agree with other posters in that you should tell SIL that your kids would like gift cards also. Tell her two or three different stores for each kid so she has plenty of choice.

We have some gift givers in the family who aren't that great (one relative gives many, many cheap gifts and one gives toys that aren't age appropriate). Last year, just before we got together with family to do dinner/gift exchange, I sat down with my son (then, three) and told him that he might not like every gift he got because sometimes people buy things they think you'll like, but they don't always get the toys you REALLY wanted. I reminded him that he has to say "Thank you" for each gift (and I remind him to do this as he opens each gift). Also, I told him that if there was something he wanted, but didn't get for Christmas, he could use his Christmas money (my Dad sends $25 to each of the kids) to go buy it next week.

Honestly, last year, DS got a couple gifts he liked and many that he didn't care for at at all. We went out and bought the toy doctor kit that he had wanted but not received the following week. Silly, how these family members spent at least $100 on toys DS didn't want and doesn't play with, but didn't get him the toy doctor kit for $10 that I had told them he really wanted.

 

[MsLeFever]

Since she has requested gift certs. for her kids, why not tell her it's a GREAT IDEA and she can do the same for yours!

What a BRILLIANT solution!

 

[iggbees]

Since she has requested gift certs. for her kids, why not tell her it's a GREAT IDEA and she can do the same for yours!

i think this is a great idea as well. maybe she's just extremely lazy and gives your kids the first thing she sees? my only suggestion is to be very specific about which stores your kids want from, otherwise she may just pick up something from the first store she sets foot in, which could be a lingerie store for your 13 year old.

we have an aunt and uncle in our family who has no kids, but has always given us gifts. they usually put as little effort into it as possible and spend the least amount of money (ie. buying 2$ clothing items from stores, none of which we like) on the kids in our family. they have a rule now with my mom that they send us gift cards, which works for us! we'll get an occasional small gift or two, but most of our family gives gift cards now, it's just so much easier.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

I haven't read the replies to this thread, so if I am repeating something, sorry.

I know you feel your in a tough spot, because it is the "thought" that counts. But let me tell you, anyone who would send a 16 year PLASTIC barrettes is not thinking of her. Sorry. She sends your kids "token" presents because you send her kids gift. She wants her kids to keep getting the gifts, so she sends the garbage.

Tell her you enjoy "personalizing" the gifts for her kids, so you won't be sending gift certificates. Or you can tell you you would like the same for your kids. She can send your kids gift certificate also.

 

[LuvN~Travel]

So, do they make $5.00 mall gift certificates? Because to me that is about what she only wants to spend on your kids. Just give what she asked for, but don't blow a wild amount. I've seen relatives like that, and sometimes you have to get the point across anyway you can. And, I believe her kids are definitely old enough to get the point!
Kim

 

[DisneyKT]

Why don't you do the same thing and ask her to only buy mall gift certificates for your kids.

I have a brother who sends awful gifts to my DD also very frustrating. Good Luck

 

[arminnie]

I would give each child a $5 gift certificate (more than she spends on yours.)

Then I would add a note saying that I had also made a donation to the Katrina Victims (or charity of choice) in their name. I wouldn't do that to a 5 year old, but teenagers are old enough for this.

 

[Rella Bella]

Last Christmas my SIL sent a note in her C-card saying that the enclosed picture was 'the only gift they'd be sending that year'. We've always exchanged with her whole family but that's fine, what bothered me is that our son is still young enough to feel bad about not getting anything from them. I thought, he loves them so much, and he's 8! Would it hurt her to just send him a little something...
Now after hearing about your SIL I think... maybe NOT getting a soccer necklace is okay!!

As for your situation... loved everyone's idea of saying "fine get my kids a mall cert too" EXCEPT... if she as cheap as it sounds like she is
How do you KNOW she'd even let the kids spend it??
I think in the long run it's a good thing for us to have to explain the actions of others to our own kids... it makes them think about how they want to treat people. And you want your neice and nephew to know/remember the same thing when they grow up... SO

I'd find a 'teen store' that has gift cards that can't be exchanged for cash... somewhere she couldn't buy anything she'd like for herself... then spend what you consider the appropriate amount for a gift. And write a note on the card about how much you want them to get something THEY enjoy.

Remember.... it's about the kids...it's about the kids!

 

[ReadingBelle]

As for your situation... loved everyone's idea of saying "fine get my kids a mall cert too" EXCEPT... if she as cheap as it sounds like she is
How do you KNOW she'd even let the kids spend it??

This is a very good point, especially since your SIL has been known to sell off presents in the past. Getting the kids gift certificates that can only be used at one store (one they would like) seems like the best idea. Also cards that can't be converted to cash, even for change (so she won't have them buy a $1.99 item just to get the cash from the rest of the card). I know that sounds ridiculous, but given what I've heard about this woman so far, I am not ruling anything out!

 

[minkydog]

There are of course, other people less fortunate who could use a gift (toys for tots, angel trees, etc). We have done both: done Christmases where we buy for a family in need or other times where each kid will draw a name for a cousin and they get a gift for that person. This year I want to go back to the charity mindset and get gifts for kids from Hurricane Katrina. There are several families in my community and a small "town" of people set up in a nearby city at a state park campground. So there are plenty of people to help.

This is what we have done for the last several years. We all live hundreds of miles apart so drawing names doesn't work. So we each choose a charity to give to and we send something small to each child. I send cash to any kids over 12, usually a $20 taped to the back of a box of candy canes or other candy. The younger kids don't really "get" the concept of money--they'd rather have a small present. Sometimes I send each family something, like a game or a wreath. My sister in WA cans everything from her organic garden, so we will get jellies and canned apple pie filling--yummy! Another sister loves to bake different kinds of cookies, so we'll get an assortment of Christmas treats from her. Another sister sends a picture of her family. Last year, my brother bought me a roaster He didn't know what to do...

In the past we have given diapers to a local homeless shelter with a high population of under 2's. We have made sandwiches, collected food ,given toys to hospitalized children, and "adopted" an angel. My sisters give to Salvation Army, Heifer Project, and Operation Christmas Child.

This year we will probably give small things, and then donate to hurricane relief, since we have family and friends in Katrina's zone. My brother has asked that we give him baseballs and gloves to take with him to Venezuela when he visits his fiance at Christmas--those kids really don't have anything. My kids always get into the spirit of Christmas when we shop for others, even if it's only putting cash in the red kettle.