How would you handle this situation? small update post #41

[Jeafl]

First of all, let me just say that my husband and I are the only ones in the Chicago area from his family. Everyone else lives fairly close to each other in Michigan.

We have 9 nieces and nephews, and we always buy them both Christmas and birthday gifts. We don't always get to their birthday parties, but I always send a gift if we can't go.

My husband's sister is notorious for sending crappy gifts to my kids. I always buy nice things for all the kids. This week was my youngest daughter's birthday, she just turned 10. My SIL sent her 2 packages of glitter pencils. It cost her $4.00 to UPS what is probably a $2.00 gift. Now, money is not a problem for her, she and her husband have good jobs. She is just incredibly cheap. She sent my 16 year old daughter some plastic barrettes and scrunchies for her birthday. Then she has the nerve to tell me to only buy mall gift certificates for her kids this Christmas.

I do not want to exchange gifts with her any more, but I don't know how to get out of it. I do realize it is the thought that counts, but I can't handle the disappointment that my younger kids feel when they see these gifts. My 13 year old son got a necklace from Avon with a plastic soccer ball on it. He has never played soccer in his life.

Is there a way to stop exchanging with them, but still exchange with the other nieces and nephews? I really don't think so. Do I start buying their gifts at the dollar store just to be petty? That really isn't me.

For those of you familiar with my bizarre MIL Christmas gifts, this woman is her daughter...

 

[Marseeya]

First of all, let me just say that my husband and I are the only ones in the Chicago area from his family. Everyone else lives fairly close to each other in Michigan.

We have 9 nieces and nephews, and we always buy them both Christmas and birthday gifts. We don't always get to their birthday parties, but I always send a gift if we can't go.

My husband's sister is notorious for sending crappy gifts to my kids. I always buy nice things for all the kids. This week was my youngest daughter's birthday, she just turned 10. My SIL sent her 2 packages of glitter pencils. It cost her $4.00 to UPS what is probably a $2.00 gift. Now, money is not a problem for her, she and her husband have good jobs. She is just incredibly cheap. She sent my 16 year old daughter some plastic barrettes and scrunchies for her birthday. Then she has the nerve to tell me to only buy mall gift certificates for her kids this Christmas.

I do not want to exchange gifts with her any more, but I don't know how to get out of it. I do realize it is the thought that counts, but I can't handle the disappointment that my younger kids feel when they see these gifts. My 13 year old son got a necklace from Avon with a plastic soccer ball on it. He has never played soccer in his life.

Is there a way to stop exchanging with them, but still exchange with the other nieces and nephews? I really don't think so. Do I start buying their gifts at the dollar store just to be petty? That really isn't me.

For those of you familiar with my bizarre MIL Christmas gifts, this woman is her daughter...

Just keep up this mantra: "It's for the kids. It's for the kids. It's for the kids." And then go bang your head against the wall a few times. Feel better?

Just look at it as setting a good example for your own kids. It truly is the thought that counts, although it sounds as if she's not putting a whole lot of thought into your kids' gifts. Is it possible that this particular SIL is only doing it out of obligation? Maybe you could bring up sometime that it's getting difficult to keep up with all the kids and you could all cut down on your gift exchanges... who knows, maybe she'd be relieved. But at any rate, I wouldn't just stop sending to those kids if you're not going to stop sending to the other nieces and nephews. That would be totally unfair to them. "It's for the kids."

 

[Hillbeans]

Honestly, there will never be a "fair" way to handle this. I would probably recommend implementing a no gift rule, because if you tell her that her gifts are junk, she'll no doubt be offended.

 

[imsorry]

I have seven nieces and nephews, and now four grand-nieces and nephews.
I send them all checks for their birthdays (including two more niece and nephew -in laws). I send them little cards for Halloween, Thanksgiving, Easter, St. Patrick's Day with small amounts of money. My DH and I spend alot of money on all of them for Christmas. (we don't have children - our brothers and sisters have never had to spend any money buying gifts)

Earlier this month it was my wedding anniversay - we did not get even one card from anyone in our family. I am disappointed, but I refuse to change who I am. I keep thinking some day they will wake up. I am continuing the traditions of their grandparents who are no longer here.

I would probably still send the kids something - it's not their fault their mother is so cheap.

 

[NMAmy]

Earlier this month it was my wedding anniversay - we did not get even one card from anyone in our family.

I'm just curious, imsorry, but is it usual in your family for people to send anniversary cards? The ONLY people I send an anniversary card to is my parents or if the anniversary couple are having a party to celebrate. I've never received an anniversary card from anyone but DH.

To Jeafl: I remember your MIL gift stories and it sounds like her daughter takes after her! I'd just keep giving the gifts--your nieces and nephews haven't done anything to deserve punishment, it's their mom. My aunt used to give us kitchen towels for gifts when we were kids. My mom would shake her head but continue giving my cousins regular gifts. I mean, what 9 year old doesn't want a nice kitchen towel?

 

[imsorry]

I'm just curious, imsorry, but is it usual in your family for people to send anniversary cards? The ONLY people I send an anniversary card to is my parents or if the anniversary couple are having a party to celebrate. I've never received an anniversary card from anyone but DH.

?

Yes, my sister was actually upset with ME one year for sending an on-line card instead of one in the mail. This was after her daughter's wedding - which also cost me a small fortune.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

What a situation!

Seriously my dh would blow a gasket, pick up the phone and tell off his sister. So I wouldn't have to do a thing.

 

[experiment626mom]

I would keep sending the kids gifts, but I would spend less money on them than I did in the past. Not dollar store, but just something small and inexpensive.

 

[ReadingBelle]

If you want to keep giving gifts, the best thing to do is to start buying them less nice things. Like experiment626mom said, not the kind of crap your SIL is sending, just something less pricey. Another alternative is to suggest that you exchange one nicer "family" gift. We've done this with some relatives -- send a game, DVDs, etc. that the whole family will enjoy together. Maybe your SIL could work up the effort to send one nicer gift. I doesn't sound like your kids would be too upset about not getting individual presents from them.

 

[minkydog]

I do not want to exchange gifts with her any more, but I don't know how to get out of it. I do realize it is the thought that counts, but I can't handle the disappointment that my younger kids feel when they see these gifts. My 13 year old son got a necklace from Avon with a plastic soccer ball on it. He has never played soccer in his life.

Is there a way to stop exchanging with them, but still exchange with the other nieces and nephews? I really don't think so. Do I start buying their gifts at the dollar store just to be petty? That really isn't me.

...

There is probably not a good way to "get out" of this situation--unless you're okay with starting Family World War III. We have a similar situation with our families--my brother never buys gifts for my kids, one sister buys cheap stuff, and SIL buys totally inappropriate gifts(like a Batman belt for my DS14--as if...) or she regifts to us things other people have given her. I have consoled my kids several times when they were disappointed with their gift by reminding them that we still love the giver, if not the gift. Sometimes you get yucky stuff, but we need to be gracious anyway.

If she has asked for mall GCs, then get that--you aren't buying for her, you're buying for the kids. Don't punish the kids because their mom is clueless. Take the high road. Your kids will learn more from you than from her.

 

[Kirby]

I have been in sort of the same situation. We've always given to our neices and nephews for birthdays and Christmas whether we were there or not. On the other hand, some of my in-laws only have given to my kids if they were here. I even have one SIL who would say, "Tell James (or Carol) a present is in the mail" and it never arrived. It got to where I would just not say anything because I hated to see the disappointment on their faces.

Once my neices and nephews became teenagers, I began giving checks for birthdays and gift cards for Christmas. It's what they preferred anyway. I just set a limit on what I would spend. Their 18th birthday is the last one that they receive a check from me. And we do a gift exchange for Christmas now.

One nice thing is that my neices and nephews, to this day, talk about how we always remember them on their birthdays and now anniversaries. I always send a card to let them know we are thinking of them.

 

[minkydog]

My aunt used to give us kitchen towels for gifts when we were kids. My mom would shake her head but continue giving my cousins regular gifts. I mean, what 9 year old doesn't want a nice kitchen towel?

This reminded my of my Aunt Mary. Every year she sent me and my sister some kind of "old lady" trinkety jewelry or an adult sweater. We always rolled our eyes. Only when I was older did i discover the "big family secret"--Aunt Mary was mentally ********, living alone in a Long Island apartment. She had no children, had never been introduced to the neices & nephews. Kind of a sad life, really. I guess she sent things that she thought were pretty. I learned a lot from my family about being ashamed of "differences" and vowed to change--and now I have my own mentally ********/autistic child who is loved & cherished in my household.

Sorry, didn't mean to hijack.

 

[SpecialK]

Since she has requested gift certs. for her kids, why not tell her it's a GREAT IDEA and she can do the same for yours!

 

[ReadingBelle]

Since she has requested gift certs. for her kids, why not tell her it's a GREAT IDEA and she can do the same for yours!

I hadn't thought of this, but it is PERFECT! Your kids would be much better off picking something they like from the mall than receiving strange sports-related jewelery.

 

[LMC]

This is exactly why I would stop the gift exchanges! If my kids are having to be consoled by having their feelings hurt by a family member then it's better to change things. There are always going to be people who treat other people as though they are lower class and "they'll be happy to get anything". An easy way to bow out of this arrangement is to tell everyone that finances are tight and you can not possibly do gift exchanges for everyone this year. Now, if everyone wants to draw names then you only get a gift for the neice/nephew that you drew. This only works when the family spends part of the holiday together. If you are not going to see any of them, then no problem. There are of course, other people less fortunate who could use a gift (toys for tots, angel trees, etc). We have done both: done Christmases where we buy for a family in need or other times where each kid will draw a name for a cousin and they get a gift for that person. This year I want to go back to the charity mindset and get gifts for kids from Hurricane Katrina. There are several families in my community and a small "town" of people set up in a nearby city at a state park campground. So there are plenty of people to help.
I wouldn't have a problem getting out of this situation but you may not be as outspoken about things as I am.

.... We have a similar situation with our families--my brother never buys gifts for my kids, one sister buys cheap stuff, and SIL buys totally inappropriate gifts(like a Batman belt for my DS14--as if...) or she regifts to us things other people have given her. I have consoled my kids several times when they were disappointed with their gift by reminding them that we still love the giver, if not the gift.

 

[Jeafl]

I probably should have mentioned that her kids are 17 & 16 year olds, so they are not small kids. Also, even when I hand them gifts and stand right there, thery have never once said thank you.

When they were little, I used to buy them a really nice outfit and then a small toy. That SIL told my other SIL that she always liked the clothes I bought them because they got her a GOOD PRICE AT THE GARAGE SALE! She never even put the kids in the clothes because she wanted to make money off the gifts I bought.

 

[Keli]

There's no way to make this fair (although I do like SpecialK's suggestion) because cheap people always find a way to be cheap. If I were you I'd continue giving to the nieces and nephews and know in my heart that those kids realize that Aunt Jill and Uncle ____ care a lot about them.

 

[jbdreamer]

Since she has requested gift certs. for her kids, why not tell her it's a GREAT IDEA and she can do the same for yours!

I agree! You may also suggest a dollar amount for B-day and Christams gifts. By setting some rules, it may become a little more fair.

My family has set B-day gifts for kids at $25. For chistmas, we all exchange names and give one nice gift, and give everyone else a $5 gift. Then everyone is happy, and no one is left out. And you are not left broke.

In the end you have to tell yourself, your are not exchanging gifts with her. You are sending gifts to your nieces and nephews. Don't punish them because their mother is cheap.

 

[DVCJEN]

How about suggesting all the kids draw names and set a price limit? That way everyone isn't buying for everyone and there is a set spending expectation.

 

[disykat]

Since she has requested gift certs. for her kids, why not tell her it's a GREAT IDEA and she can do the same for yours!

That's what I was going to say too! It will either point out the inequity to her if the amounts are drastically different, or you can wait until hers arrive to sneak a peek at them and send the same amount to her kids.