how would you handle this situation? parenting issue

[Briar Rose 7457]

I think I already know how I'm going to handle this situation with my duaghter but wanted some feedback anyhow...

dd is 11, and in 6th grade. she will be 12 in July, but the party will be in June. she's making up a guest list, and I'm a little surprised by two of the names on the list.

dd had two very close friends in elementary school, but things changed when the girls got to middle school this year. dd was having some "issues" with the other two girls. I think they might have worked out their problems if left alone. but then the other girls became friendly with a girl dd didn't like, and things seemed to escalate. at first dd blamed the new girl, but after awhile she began to realize her "friends" were willing participants in what was going on.

I won't go into all the rude and nasty things these girls did. the highlights included:



-- sending dd nasty and obscene instant messages

-- creating screen names similar to dd's, then sending messages to her friends pretending to be her, trying to get the friends angry at dd

-- actually sigining on to dd's screen name -- she'd inadvertently given them the password when they were still close friends --
and trying to make trouble with dd's friends

-- stealing things out of dd's locker

about a month ago dd decided she'd had enough of their behavior, and decided to hang out with other friends.

so I was very suprised to see dd include these two former friends on the guests list for her birthday.

I'm pretty sur I'm going to let dd make the decision on whether to invite them or not. but i'm not entirely comfortable with that decison. what would you do?

 

[kild]

I would suggest the possibilty of excluding them from the list. Talk to her and see what her thinking is on it.

 

[dzneelvr]

I'd keep the lines of communication open and just honestly bring up that you are surprised to see the names of XX and YY on the list after all the incidents that have happened. Ask her What's Up? depending on what she says, you'll have to determine if you have final override on the guest or let them stand as she wants. She may feel like she has to invite them to stay "cool" or she may just need some parental advice that it's ok not to invite them if they make you feel bad.
Something that I do is to remember back if/when I was in the same situation and how I handled it AT THAT AGE. As parents, we tend to think we were as wise then as we are now--but we weren't...and growing up has to have some painful mistakes along the way....we can't "handle" every conflict that comes our kids' way, not matter how much we want to save them tears.

Sorry, but there is not single right answer. It all depends on the relationship you have with your DD and how she wants this to go.

We're raising a DS - 16 and a DD -14 and it's always interesting!

bottomline: DON'T LET THIS NEGATIVELY IMPACT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH HER

 

[Sandy V.]

I agree that it's a good idea to talk to your daughter about your surprise about the inclusion of these two on the guest list. She may be thinking (in an 11-year-old's way), "Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer." Maybe she thinks that these two would "hassle" her if they weren't invited. It would be interesting to hear her reasoning.

It is so tough as a parent when other kids treat your kid like crap because MOTHERS NEVER FORGET. My 16 year old daughter and 14 year old son have "acquaintances" that we've known since they were 5 years old that I will NEVER forgive for some really nasty thing said or done years ago to my "baby"! (I keep this all to myself or rant privately to my husband - never to my teenagers about it).

Best of luck in resolving the situation, and I hope you have a wonderful party.

 

[antbritt]

Briar Rose,
I am totally having a similiar situation with my DD . She had all her friends form Elementay school end up in differnt (wht they call) HOUSEs . But basically the school is quite large and they do this to simulate it being smaller so you are in a separate area all together. So any way she never saw her friends any more and made new ones. The only thing is that the so- called NEW girl happens to have come from our old town and My DD and her had maintained somewhat of a friendship since Kindergarten. So with that in my this New girl has spent the whole year treating my DD poorly. Any way my problem is not only whther to invite her to the party or not but it will be didfficult to not invite her as she and my DD have the same Birthday!1! So they will both be having parties and the same kids will probably be invited to both kids parties. |
She has also taken to very NASTY Ims and backstabbing Same as you the screenname problems. I finally did interven as far as that goes and I made sure my DD understands not to give her password out to any one!!!
So hang in there maybe they will come and it will be fine and if not call their parents to pick them up!!!

 

[BrerMom]

Just a thought - might her good friends want these two invited so they could confront them, or something similar? I think I would gently try to find the motive for the invitation. Some kids are under the impression that if a kid agrees to come to a party, they are indirectly agreeing to be nice to the hostess from that point on. Adults know differently.

I know you're reading Queen Bees and Wannabes, too. I had to laugh at the author's suggestion that if all possible, invite the entire class. Whose class could possibly be that small? She did suggest limiting the party to all of one group. Maybe you could use that - are all the girls in one class together? an organized group together?

 

[Briar Rose 7457]

I didn't think my dd was lone in this.

I let her handle the locker situation herself. she decided to go to the schooll office and get a new locker and not give out the combination.

as for the internet stuff --I discussed it with her and let her deal with it ...until one of those little darlings signed onto dd's screen name. seems my dd has my screen name in her buddy list. the little darling went through the buddy list and started IM'ing people, pretending to be dd. boy, did she get a surprise!

that was my breaking point, and I very reluctantly called the little darling's mother. after that, all the internet abuse stopped.

 

[Briar Rose 7457]

Originally posted by BrerMom
Just a thought - might her good friends want these two invited so they could confront them, or something similar? I think I would gently try to find the motive for the invitation. Some kids are under the impression that if a kid agrees to come to a party, they are indirectly agreeing to be nice to the hostess from that point on. Adults know differently.

I know you're reading Queen Bees and Wannabes, too. I had to laugh at the author's suggestion that if all possible, invite the entire class. Whose class could possibly be that small? She did suggest limiting the party to all of one group. Maybe you could use that - are all the girls in one class together? an organized group together?

there are 350 kids in dd's grade. there are 50 on her team. most of her friends are NOT on her team. the two troublemakers are, though.


that book is a great guide, isn't it? but not always practical.

 

[HaleyB]

I think it is a positive thing that the IM stuff stopped when you called the mother. I would let your daughter decide in the end, but make the rule that they make even a slightly nasty remark and they are gone. The party would give you a good chance to observe their interactions with your daughter.

 

[Princess_Aurora]

Is it possible that they've made up??? I remember being that age and yelling and hating and making people's lives as misserable as you can when you're 11. It would last about a week or two...maybe longer depending on what started the arguing, but then we would end up friends again. My closest friend today is someone I kept fighting with all through middle school.

 

[Jenn Lynn]

Maybe she wants a chance to get them away from the 'other' girl and have a talk with them. And to see how they are towards her without the girl around.

Also maybe she misses them, the friendship, etc. and is trying to reconnect. I would commend her for taking those steps and being the bigger person.

I also think you should voice your surprise over the girls names on the list and try to find out what the motivations are.