How would you handle this if it happened to your kid?

[momm2four]

I apologize if this gets long, but I wanted some opinions (as long as their offered kindly ) as to how you'd handle this situation.

Today, being out of school, my two oldest (6 and 8) asked to invite friends over (what's two more when you already have four? I called two kids around 11:00 am and both kids accepted the invitation to be there at 2:00. One boy (my 6 yr old's best friend) showed up right on time, the other didn't. My two oldest and the guest played for about 30 min, until my oldest noticed the time. He then kept going to the window looking for "John".

About this time 2:40 or so, "John's" mom (who is one of the sweetest ladies I have ever known) calls and says that she is out driving around her neighborhood looking for "John", but can't find him. He went to eat lunch with a little girl down the street and was supposed to be back around 1:30, but didn't come back at that time. "When I find him, I'll bring him over", she says. I tell her that he's welcome at any time, b/c I can bring him home when I take my two boys and the friend who did show up to basketball practice at 5:00.

Fast forward to about 4:45 when I have to take the boys to practice. My 8 year old was sooo sad. He kept looking out of the window and asking why "John" didn't come when he said he would. After practice we get home and there is a message from his mom. Basically it was something like this:

"Lori, I'm sorry "John" didn't come over today. When I finally did find him, he was playing with some other kids and said that he didn't want to leave and he would rather stay there than go to Ben's house. I hope Ben isn't too upset. I'm really sorry"

My son heard this message and heard her when she said that "john" made the decision to stay and play with his neighborhood buddies instead of coming over to play with him. I talked with him about not letting other people have control over your feelings (he was so sad and down about this) and that, although we would still be kind to this boy, that maybe he needed to look elsewhere for playmates (This little boy did basically the same thing to him about a year ago) who treat him a little better.

After this saga, my question is this...I know that his mom will mention this the next time we see each other (they go to the same school) and say something to the effect of "I'm sorry, was Ben too upset?" Me, I want to say "Yes, he was. He was very excited that he was going to see "John", and when he didn't come after saying he would, he was very disappointed." I think that she should have made her son come to our house since he accepted the invitation. It seems, to me, as if she's telling him that he can accept invites, but turn his back on them if something better pops up.

My husband, who is not emotional at all, said that telling her how Ben really felt won't change anything b/c although his parents are wonderful people, they don't seem to ever make "John" do anything he doesn't want to do. (He is their only child and has them wrapped around his pinky finger)

So would you tell her what you think (in a very nice way , of course) or just say "Oh, it's okay, don't worry about it"?

TIA!
Lori P.

 

[Selket]

I think your response of "my son was very disappointed as he was expecting to see John" is appropriate. It isn't too heavy handed but gets the message across if anyone is listening! I agree that if the boy accepted the invite to come over then he should have been made to follow and not allowed to go off and play elsewhere. But as you say, there isn't much you can do to control John but I think you handled it perfectly with your son and a future response to John's parents.

 

[Serena]

Just be honest. Tell her your son was expecting company and was very disappointed when they didn't come after all. I would also let her know that next time, you would rather not disappoint your son so she needs to be sure of their plans.

 

[Mr.BsMom]

I think I would answer like you... "Well, yes he was pretty upset... He waited all afternoon and never heard anything from "John"." I'm sure she'll apologize, and I wouldn't make a HUGE issue out of it, but I would definitely be honest about it. It DID mean something to Ben, so I wouldn't just brush it away like it was nothing.

Hopefully, that won't happen again and maybe Ben can invite someone different over next time...?

 

[Lars624]

I don't think that you would be wrong in sayiong that your DS was disappointed......he was & she was at fault. I would never let my DS8 change his mind after accepting an invitation & not show up as he had planned. The parent in this situation should have made her DS follow through on his first commitment.
for you~it's very tough to watch your child get hurt.

 

[Disney Doll]

I think your response is perfect. I think she should know that your son was upset, which your response indicates without being over-the-top melodramatic.

I also agree with you that perhaps you need to encourage your little guy to "branch out" a bit with different friends. John doesn't seem like a very considerate child, so probably the less exposure your son has to him, the better.

Parenting is a hard job.

 

[JenBlaze]

I also think your response to that is perfect.

I would steer DS away from playing with John, too.

 

[DISshopkeeper]

Originally posted by Lars624
I don't think that you would be wrong in sayiong that your DS was disappointed......he was & she was at fault. I would never let my DS8 change his mind after accepting an invitation & not show up as he had planned. The parent in this situation should have made her DS follow through on his first commitment.
for you~it's very tough to watch your child get hurt.

ITA. It's the "better offer" that MY kids learned early on was NEVER to be taken once you've accepted another invitation. Rude and inconsiderate.

 

[floridaminnie]

I agree with the above posters also. I also would use this as a learning experience for your son on how it feals to make a commitment to someone and what happens you don't follow through. And little Johnnie wouldn't getting anymore invites to my house.

 

[pirateofthecarolinas]

I would let her know that Ben was disappointed and that you wish you had known John wasn't coming so Ben could have invited another friend over to play.

John would not be invited back to my house until he first invited Ben to play at his house. The ball is in John's court. If you don't hear from John then he really isn't interested in being friends with Ben. It was rude of the mother not to make John fulfill his commitments.

Lori

 

[FreshTressa]

I'm sorry, we have had a similar thing happen here to. It is so sad to see them peeking out the window every 10 minutes only to have the mom call hours later and cancel.

I'm sure I wouldn' t hear the end of it if I did that to them!

 

[browneyes]

I think I wouldn't invite "John" to come over and play anymore. I'd also tell his mom that Ben heard her message and got his feelings hurt.

 

[iamsorcerermickey]

I think that yes, you should let the mother know exactly how you and your son feel.

Also, I would take a close look at what you wrote:

"They don't seem to ever make "John" do anything he doesn't want to do. (He is their only child and has them wrapped around his pinky finger)"

This is a child who is 8-9 years old and already tellling his parents what he will and won't do and his parents are allowing this??

His mom couldn't find him and had to drive the neighborhood looking for an 8 -9 year old?? He has that much free reign that he can just take off--whenever he feels like it?? Do you want to have to drive the neighborhood--to look for your son when he is over there--because the mom has no clue where the boys are??

What is he (John) going to be like when he gets older??

Are his parents going to put their foot down or let him have his way all the time??

Do you really want your DS hanging around with a boy like this when he is older??

In my opinion, I would think twice about this friendship.

 

[snoopy]

It's the "better offer" that MY kids learned early on was NEVER to be taken once you've accepted another invitation. Rude and inconsiderate.

Yup, a big no no in our house too.

 

[mcnuss]

Your response is perfect (although I slightly resent the remark about the kid being an only...good manners do not depend on the number of children we have...). I am more concerned that the mom did not know where her kid was than anything else, to tell you the truth.

My DD has a "friend" like this (she is 9) and we've used it as a springboard to discuss fair weather friends; this kid told DD she was inviting her to her birthday party and then never did. It's a hard lesson, but a good one to learn early. Soon your DS will recognize on his own the ones who are worth his time. He'll also need to address this with the child if he wants to play with him again, this is not your role. In the case of my DD's "friend", when she now mentions inviting DD over, DD will say "Pls. don't tell me that you're going to do that until you really mean it." She tells me she says it very light heartedly, and I can see that it's her way of protecting her feelings.

Don't you just wish you could make all these social lessons easier for your kids?

 

[Desnik]

I also think it isn't wrong of you to say that your son was dissappointed. I think as soon as the mom knew he didn't want to go to your house it was her responsibility to call you and cancel. I seem to be in the minority thinking that her son shouldn't have to go to your house if he doesn't want to. I don't force my DD to go play at a friends house if she doesn't want to go. I do understand that he said yes but people even kids do change their minds!
If this really bothers you(and I think every mom would be bothered seeing their child upset)then don't invite this kid over anymore. I also think this is a good way to teach your son that sometimes things and people will dissappoint him. Unfortunately this won't be the last time one of his friends dissappoints him

 

[Pete's Mom]

It's okay if he changed his mind, I mean really, if she FORCED him to go he might have sat at your house all day with Ben and WHINED about having to be there and not play with the other kids. How would that have made Ben feel?

BUT....she should have called and said that John was not going to be able to make it so at least Ben didn't sit there all day waiting for his friend to show up. That's inconsiderate, but honestly, some parents just don't stop to think.

If she mentions it to you, I would say, yes, he was disappointed because he waited all day. Then suggest to her that the next time a play date is set, if things change, to please call and let you know so that you can plan something else for Ben, perhaps invite another friend over.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Your question is how would you handle this?

When all this was "new" to me I did handle it poorly. Now that it my dd is almost a teenager I think I do pretty good.

Since your son is 8 I would bow out and not say much to the "mom". I might say something like yea wish he could have came over. I learned my lesson that I should not speak for my kids with this kind of stuff. Esp. with my girls. They fight one minute and make up the next.

I would focus on my kid and say thats how "John" is. Over time he will decide how to handle things with friends. I am more of a "wait and see" what your son does and then follow his lead. Let him mull it over a bit.

{HUGS} for your son!

 

[KristiKelly]

I agree that everyone has the right to change their mind, but I agree more that if you make a commitment, you stick to it (or at least let the other person know, so they're not sitting around waiting). Those parents are setting a bad example for him and they are also showing other adults that they are not reliable. When I worked, my boss asked a few of us to work on a Saturday and he would pay us double time, I said "yes, I'll be there", well Sat. morning came along and I really didn't want to go - shopping seemed much better to me - But, guess what? I went to work because I said I would be there. I know that work & play date are 2 entirely different things but I made the commitment and had I been raised like "little Johnny", I probably would've called in sick and maybe gotten fired. You learn your morals/values @ an early age, and I don't think his parents are doing him any favors by letting him do that. I also would never depend to much on the parents for anything either, if she couldn't pick up the phone & call to let you know he wasn't coming - she doesn't seem very reliable either. Yes, I would tell her politely how it hurt your son's feelings. I hope your son doesn't worry over this too much.

 

[momm2four]

Thanks for all your replies. I agree with the ones who posted and said that Ben needs to rethink his friendship with this little boy. I have always thought this child was very self-centered and spoiled, but Ben loves to play with him (They were best friends through preschool until last year, then they didn't see each other as much b/c of having seperate recesses and lunch times)

I think the problem is that, even though he and Ben do have a great time when they are together, the neighborhood boys he plays with are older (like 10 and 11) and I think the pull of the BIG boys was a bigger draw to him than coming over to our house.

You guys are so kind to have answered and given your opinions. It was a big help just to have an outlet to vent to Ben is fine now. His class went on a field trip to our Science Theater this morning and we sat together and had a ball!

Oh, and I certainly don't think that all only children have no manners. My comment was that he was an only child and that he has his parents wrapped around his finger. I simply meant that with him being their only child, these particular parents have centered their entire universe upon him and what he wants to do. I'm sorry if it sounded as if I meant otherwise.

Thanks again!
Lori P.